I am writing on behalf of my mom and myself. My father was dianosed with a tumor in the brain May 2009. He had surgery and they felt they got it all. They knew that it was cancer and there was a primary source which they later found came from the lungs. He started his radation treatments in June. He was in and out of the hospital various times for different things. He just kept going down hill from there. Sept. was his last hospital stay when he decided enough was enough. No more treatments. My moms birthday was coming up and he wanted to be home with her. The doctors gave him 2 yrs max. So we all sat down and talked about it and he came come home on hospice. When he came home this is all that was wrong with him, another tumor in the brain was found and he has clots in the lungs. The doctors also said it was in the bones as well. In Nov. My parents moved in with me and my family, so I am able to help with his care. Mom and I are his primary caregivers with hospice coming in once a week. Right after he got here hospice had told us he was showing signs that he only had 2wks to live. So we got prepared told everyone what was going on. You know make all the final arrangements. That was 3 months ago and he is still hanging on. But he has gotten worse he started having seizures in Dec. Last week we really thought it was his time to go. He is now bedridden, has no strength anymore, his apptipite has decreased alot and was not talking at all, would look at you like he didn't know you or as if to say help. Then Sunday its like he bounced back and was talking and trying to get out of bed. His eating hasn't changed tho he still barely eats. But I just know that mom and I are on this roller coaster ride that doesn't seem to stop. Honestly I wish it were over. He is in pain and to sit and watch him become the shell of man he is now is so hard. Mom and I are not in good health oursleves. But she made a promise to him, for him to die at home and thats what we are doing. He's out of it most of the time. Sees things that aren't there, when he does talk nothing makes sense, he gets agatitaed alot with us. We are giving him all the meds hospice has gave to him, but even at times they don't seem to help. We are trying to be strong as best we can and Know God will take him when it's his time. But how much more should he have to endure and suffer before he does go? We have already told him that we will all be fine and it's okay for him to go. But he still keeps hanging on. And I guess we will never know the answer of why he is. When he does I know there will be a feeling of relief, is that wrong to feel that way?
Tuesday we found out the cancer is everywhere and that is why he would scream out in pain whenever we would touch him. So they have uped his morphine now to every 2 hrs. He doesn't eat and barely drinks. Last night he was grabbing at the blanket like he was trying to hold on to it for saftey. It's so hard to know what to do for him. It's like having a newborn baby again. You do your best to keep them happy and comfortable, But is that enough and we really can't ask him, cause we really don't know how much he understands when we do ask him, due to the tumor eating away is brain. My mom is worried that he is scared and wondering what he is thinking. Does he feel all alone. We try to reasure him we are here. But once again does he understand what we say. We feel so helpless not knowing what to do for him. I know our time with him is limited and the end is near. We just hope he is not suffering. Thanks for listening, it does feel good to let this all out.
Dawnie, I am so sorry to hear of your father's illness. I know this has to be a difficult and trying time for your family. I know that one has all sorts of emotions when dealing with a terminally ill family member. One tends to feel lost as to being able to help that person. I know that helpless feeling as I lost my husband to cancer. I would not feel embarrassed as to your feelings of relief when the time comes. It is a relief to know that the person you love is in a better place. I do know how hard these days and nights can be. I pray for your family's strength at this time. I will keep your family in my thoughts.
Thank you Gold for your kind words, I am sorry about the loss of your husband. I do know what it is like to lose a close member of my family, Almost 14 years ago I lost my sister as well. But with her it was quick and I didn't have to watch her die. To me I think this is so much harder, to watch the man I looked up to just wither away is really tough. And to watch my mom fall apart at every turn is even worse, she trys to be so strong and all but I know it's not easy for her. My mom is sick herself with COPD and she has put her illness on the back burner in order to take care of him. I am scared though that once he passes she will soon to follow. This all has taken so much out of her. He is worse and the nurse said yesterday, if he makes it through the weekend they will be surprised. Thank you again Gold and you take care
it will be over soon. Dont rush it. I just watched my mom pass on Tuesday. It was ugly. Get morphine for him. just love him. go with the flow. If he is not eating or drinking much it is just a matter of time. It too wanted mom to pass.. it was so hard but now am feeling guilty because I felt that way. I miss her terribly. The pain is overwhelming.
PS My mom passed of COPD... that is the worst way to go. She lived with me 4 years. Dad passed from COPD and heart disease.
music and the bible.. that is what I had with me on the last day.
Last edited by PATRIOTSUE; 02-05-2010 at 05:23 PM.
My Father's journey on this earth ended tonight at 8:30 pm. He is now on his journey with the lord and are very happy he is not suffering anymore. He finally did go peaceful. Mom and I are holding up so far. But he is now at peace. Thanks all who wrote.
Dawnie, my brother-in-law is also dying with brain cancer where the primary cancer was in his lungs. About a year ago, he had his left lung removed, part of his aorta, and small part of his esophagus. Just four months ago he found out it spread to his brain. He had the largest tumor removed, but still has two that are inoperable. Yesterday he had an emergency MRI on his neck and spine because they believe it has gone to his spine. I am going to see him and my sister next week. They live in another state. We have to wait to find out the MRI results until Monday 2/15. Going to be a long weekend. They also gave my bil one year, two at the most. Who knows how things will change once we find out if it has spread again.
I watched my dad for two months in the hospital – all the while thinking he was coming home – wither away. He had lots of health issues but the main one was COPD. I slept there for three nights during what was to be his last week with us. The night my brother and sister said “we’re staying, you go home and get some rest” is when my father passed.
It sounds like you and your mom did everything you could for your dad. You were able to help his last wish come true – to die at home. We did not have that option. Once we knew he wasn’t going to make it – it was too late to set everything up.
Keep the thought that you were there for him. Even though he couldn’t express it, I’m sure he felt it in his heart. I think the worst part about all this is that we are not sure we are doing enough or what we are doing is the right thing. We’re human, we do the best we can with what we know. I had to be the one to tell the nurses if my dad seemed like he was in pain, because he couldn’t communicate anymore. I always wondered if I read him wrong and they gave him morphine when he didn’t need it. When he was reaching out with his good arm and mouthing words with his eyes closed – maybe it was an experience he was meant to have and I told them to give him morphine. He was still after that.
I really didn’t come on here to tell you all about my family, just wanted to let you know I can feel where you are at right now. The only way you can get through is One Day At a Time (ODAT – that’s what me and dad would say to each other).
I’m sorry about your sister and that your mother is also in bad health. We can go through a lot more than we think we can because frankly we just have to. God Bless and take care.
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.
My heart goes out to you to at this time. I lost my dad on Wednesday last week - not even a week has passed. He was taken into hospital on Tuesday evening and gradually got worse and worse - his liver was failing and they didn't know why. He eventually went into cardiac arrest - they got his heart beating again after 20 minutes but by that time he was only being kept alive by machines and drugs and wouldnt survive on his own, so everything was turned off and he passed away.
We are waiting for the post mortem results. I felt so helpless to see his body just get worse and weaker, and for the liver failiure and subsequent infection to take over his brain and completely rob his life. I lie awake at night haunted by the images of him so ill in that hospital bed - restless and unwell and most probably very scared about what was happening to him.
I am 22, and feel like life is very hard to cope with at the moment. I hadnt expected to be burying my dad at this age. He was only 59.
The days immediately after were one of the hardest things i've ever gone through, but since then things are getting a little brighter each day and we are glad that he is not suffering.
Take comfort in your friends and family, and know that there are people out there that are going through the same thing.
hi, my mum inlaw (mum to me), passed in jan this year, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the beginning of jan this year, we only had her for 2 weeks after her diagnosis before she passed and its the hardest thing i've ever had to go through, before she passed and i literally mean days, she had a lease of energy where she chatted and we had some "normal" time, this was on the weds, on the thurs she got weaker and slept more but she was still with us, on fri we got a call saying she wouldn't be with us much longer, this was a tough day as she was moaning alot, grasping for her blanket, very fidgety, her brain was shutting down and she kept shouting "hot" so we had to put on cold flannels to keep her comfortable even though she was cold to touch, her eyes had rolled back into her head, on saturday she was on alot of morphine and was basically in a coma or so it seemed as she was no longer fidgety and she was lay perfectly still, her breathing seemed shallow but stable and her eyes were still rolled back into her head, alot of family came to visit her that day, i went round at around 4pm, at 4.50pm i was with her on my own so i decided to chat telling her how much i love her and reminiscing, i know she could here me as she kept raising her eyebrows to acknowledge what i said, i noticed her breathing had changed and was getting shallower, basically you could tell this was it, we was losing her, i shouted dad as he was upstairs and we said our goodbyes, and that was it...she had passed, its the most heartbreaking thing i've had to see and it was so quick, i believe she chose to die with me at her side as you wouldn't believe the amount of family that came to see her that day, and she chose to be with me when it was quiet, and for that time we had together at the end it'll rank with the one of the most cherished times of my life, its right up there with the birth of my children and i'll always be forever grateful to her for giving me that time...love you forever lynne x
please take comfort that he is an angel watching over you and he is in no more pain, my thoughts are with you, godbless you and your family, take care of yourself and each other (((((hugs)))))
Last edited by claste; 02-27-2010 at 01:14 PM.
Reason: missed abit
Hi, it seems to "crass" to say "thank you" for sharing your story but at the same time there are countless people going through the same thing you and and reading someone else's feelings and emotions that I can relate to is, well, theraputic in a sense that I'm "not alone" in how I feel.
This is my 2nd stint watching a family member not only pass, but pass within less than 2.5 years of each other, both of cancer (first mom colon, now dad lung).
My dad is currently in a hospital and has been for over 2 weeks. His lung cancer went into remission, or so they said, at least from the neck down. They had to perform radiation on the brain, as there was a spread there. They made it seem as though the radiation wasn't going to be "that" big a deal; I expected the chemo to ultimately take a bigger toll.
I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but his health went downhill drastically toward the end of the radiation and even more so afterward. He essentially became bedridden, throwing up, not eating (and when he did, throwing up), not doing anything that he used to do... I was so worried for him. He lives in my home with me and I am an unmarried parent working full time... Eventually he got so sick that I told him I HAVE to call an ambulance...he HAS to go to the hospital. That was on 2/10.
Today he is in a long term care facility and in less than 3 hours I'll be meeting with a hospice rep to sign papers to admit him to end-stages hospice. This is surreal...I just can't believe it.
But like you, I'm watching my father suffer and I KNOW that he would NEVER want to linger this way; he was the definition of a provider, "tough guy" and "man's man." For HIM, not me, but HIM, I want to get that best and worst phone call I can get - that he's passed. Like you, I will be relieved. What's more, I already feel a relief for myself, selfish as it is, that he's not in my home anymore as I always wondered what my daughter (who's only 6) and I will come home to. My daughter has experienced a lot as a 6 year-old that I at 36 have a hard time coping with...
Anyway, I'm rambling.
I hope that everyone in this thread who shared their feelings/stories with you helped you to realize that you aren't alone in your feelings and that you and your mom did all you could do for him.
Thank you Saw, Ding, Claste and Pittsburgh, all of your kind words has helped my mother and I alot.......
SAW, I am so sorry that your sister and brother-in-law have to go through all this. It's hard when older people go but it's such a shame when something like this strikes someone so young. As you know my sister pasted as well and she was only 26 and left behind 3 small boys. That was 14 yrs ago. And it still is hard without her. But we see her everyday in her boys who are young men now. And the funny thing is she always wanted a girl and she has one in my daughter, My daughter was born a yr after she died but I swear she is my sister reincardinated. And I am sorry about your dad as well. Saw can I ask how bad does the COPD get at the end? That is what mom has and I heard it gets extremely bad.
DING, I am so sorry to hear of your dad passing and honey it doesn't make it any easier no matter what age you are when you lose a parent. I am 35 and a mother of 4 and still was like a child when my dad passed. It's 3 weeks today and we all are still numb at the loss. Every little thing sets one of us off in tears, Mostly my mom though. And that is the hardest part to watch right now her going through all this. And I know how you feel about losing your father at a young age my father was only 58. Too young if you ask me.
CLASTE, I know what you mean when this cancer starts it happens fast, like if its some new strain or something. From the date of dad's dianoses to the date he died was 81\2 months and they gave him 2 yrs max. Dad had a few months off and on of times where he was "normal" but most of the time he was pretty much not himself. And the week before he died was bedridden and not responsive at all. He had no way to tell us anything, except I know he could hear us cause of his eyes. The last 2 days before he was in a coma like state. The day he died we made it comfortable for him, played music for him all day, he loved music so much. And kept telling him it's okay to let go and be with the lord. That we would all be fine here. Thirty minutes before he died we thought it was gonna be over, we stood there for a while with him and said well maybe not yet so we sat down to eat supper and I looked up to check on him and he was gone. So just like your mother-in-law , my father waited till we weren't standing around him , but we were in the same room with and it was quiet. Your exactly right to want to cherish that moment all with all the other wonderful ones in your life. Because as hard as it was to have him here at home at times, I wouldn't have changed it for anything. We will all cherish that time we got to spend with him.
PITTSBURGH, I know what ya mean with the radiation dad had 15 treatments on the brain and 15 on his lungs and thats why he decided to quit it because he went through the same thing your dad did. And he got worse during and after. But none of it helped. And don't think of yourself being selfish cause you didn't want him at home with you and your daughter. Everyone makes decisions that best suit them. Even though I have 4 kids myself and wonder if having my father here in my home to die was the right decision. Honestly I wouldn't change it because they got to spend more time with him here at home then if he was in a care facility. Don't regret anything you have done because if you do then it won't help in your greiving and then to move on.
Thank you to all of you have wrote, it has helped alot in my greiving process and am trying to start the healing one. I am trying to be strong for my mom but I also know I need to have my time as well and take care of me. And having all of you here to help me is such a great blessing.
No it`s not wrong to feel that way.I lost my son in 2007 and my mom got really sick after that,so sick she was ready to go and we (my dad and I)were ready for her to go to Heaven.We hated seeing her that bad,the day she died I went to her home to see her I had know idea how bad she was(my dad kept it in well) I would call and dad said she didn`t feel like talking,so that monday I went to see her and started to cry, I knew in my heart that she wanted to go,so I crawled in bed with her and held her,she was holding on to help me raise 2 granddaughter`s,I said to her "ILove You Momma"please let go and go on to Heaven,Please don`t worry about me and these girls we will make it, about 3 minutes later my Momma went to spend "life" with God. Yes I miss her so much but I know one day I`ll see her and my son again.So please don`t feel bad about your thoughts,you will see him again.(if he goes) God may have a plan for him to stay around for along time.Just love your Momma while you have her and he`ll see that and be very proud.