roommate died of cancer
hi everyone. my shrink recently suggested that i find a support group of people who have been similar things to share my experiences, strength, thoughts, and failings as i go through the grieving process. so here's my story.
five years ago, my college roommate battled with cancer. she stayed hopeful and strong throughout everything...losing her hair...surgery which removed her left eye and cheekbone...everything. she wouldn't drop out of classes even though she could barely walk. she had sarcoma and died of it. while we were living together.
so about me...i'm an active, healthy 25 year old. i was the opposite of my roommate. she knew who she was...she was strong, determined, and hopeful. i didn't. i was a college kid who didn't know what she wanted. i didn't know where i was going in life (heck i still don't) and i feel like a failure. all my roommate wanted was a live to be a mom. she wanted a family...and she would have had one. she was one of those people that just lights up the room when she walks in. everyone loved her.
i feel so guilty about how i handled things. about who i was. i should have been around more. i should have taken her to chemo. i should have gone to class with her and watched movies with her on the days she just couldn't get out of bed. but i didn't. i pretended like everything was normal...like she was a normal, healthy roommate...and like she would ask if she wanted me to treat her differently. i wasn't strong enough to handle what she was going through and couldn't accept what it meant for me. i failed.
i went into research to make up for this...to try and find a cure for something so that someday someone else won't have to go through what she did...and the people in their lives are spared these feelings.
i don't even know what i'm asking by posting here. i'm not dying. i failed as friend. i'm on antidepressants because apparently i have PTSD from being a failure. how pathetic is that? i know that i need to get to a point where i forgive myself for how i acted and acknowledge that i'm a different person now, but that's a very hard place for me to get to.
so to everyone out there who's stronger than me...i commend you. you're doing your best with an awful situation and just being there i know means the world to those in your life. please don't make the same mistakes that i did. every moment counts. every moment is precious and won't last forever. when things are difficult and avoiding the situation seems like the easiest answer...just remember that eventually you won't have the option of being there for this person...and with every fiber of your being you're going to need to know that you were there when you could be and you loved with all your heart.