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Old 06-04-2010, 03:22 PM   #1
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Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Hello.
My name's Helen.
I'm new here and don't quite know what to do. My life has been changed in a heartbeat and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I've been married for 12 years to James. We decided against children as we both have great careers and enjoyed our lifestyle the way it was with a lovely home, a nice car each and holidays together several times a year.

Almost 2 months ago James went off to work as usual at 8am. I was working from home that day and at around 11.45am two policemen came to my door to tell me there had been a car accident and to cut a long story short, James had died at the scene.
The shock almost killed me there and then and I honestly felt I could have collapsed and died on the floor in front of them. But then one of them told me there had been a passenger in the car with James. A woman.
I have since discovered this woman was James's lover. She was also killed instantly in the crash. I met her husband 2 weeks after the accident and he told me he knew about the affair and it had been going on for over a year.

I can't get my head around it. James was a wonderful husband and I never suspected he was having an affair. I feel so stupid and like I didn't know him at all. I'm so angry with him for dying and even angrier at his affair. If he hadn't been sneaking off with her instead of at work like he was supposed to be then he'd still be alive.

I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be the dutiful grieving widow but I feel nothing but rage and even hatred for him most of the time. I feel like my insides have been torn out and whilst I'm missing him so much it hurts, I'm not sure who it is that I'm missing. Do I miss the man I thought he was? I don't know the man he turned into and I feel so confused. Everyone says I should be grieving and trying to deal with things but I just don't feel anything considered to be "normal". I just feel so betrayed.

At his funeral everyone was crying and looking at me like I was some terrible person for looking back at them the way I did. I know how I looked. I looked at them like they were fools just like me.
How could I not see the deception?
How could I not have known and how am I supposed to grieve for someone I'm so mad at?
He's not even here for me to confront him about it and I feel guilty for wanting to ask him all the questions he isn't here to answer.
I just can't grieve for him when I'm so angry and I don't know how to overcome that anger.
It's all come out that he died with her and the pity is overwhelming and making me feel ill. I know everyone is trying to offer support but I don't know how much more I can take. Everyone is killing me with their sympathy and I just want everything to stop. The one person who can do something about the situation isn't here anymore.

How am I supposed to deal with all this? How can I forgive him when I have so many questions I'll never know the answers to? And how I can grieve for him if I can't get past the anger? Who is it I'm supposed to be grieving for? Does he even deserve my grief?
I feel so terrible for feeling this way. Even in spite of the affair surely as his wife I should feel something for my husband? After all, he was faithful - so far as I know - for more than a decade.

Please help. Anyone with any advice or knowledge of a similar experience - and I kind of hope no one does for their own sake - please help me. I just don't know where to start.

Thanks.
Helen.

Last edited by anybodyoutthere; 06-04-2010 at 03:24 PM.

 
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Old 06-04-2010, 04:50 PM   #2
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Hello, Helen,
I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of the husband that you knew,and you loved. I am sorry that along with his physical body, from the accident,
you have lost the chance to confront him, ask your questions, and either forgive him,
or not. You have been totally robbed of that opportunity. It's no wonder that you are
burning with rage.
My advice to you is to get some short term therapy. You need an arena where you
can get everything out, be heard, and be helped. In the meantime here's is what I think that I would do. I would write out every single thing that I wished I could say to my
husband. All of the questions, and all of the feelings. Don't worry about how long this takes, just get it all out. Then I would find something of his that he loved (and is yours
now) and break it. Just destroy it, and get your anger out. You deserve that. Then,
I would write another letter. If possible, a love letter to your husband for all of the good years that you acknowledge that you DID have together. You need to get all of your different emotions out so that you can journey through this terrible tragedy.
Don't let ANYONE dictate to you how you "should" be feeling. Your situation is so
rare and incredible, no one dare tell you that you should be grieving in a different, more pure, way. You would if the means of your husband's death was pure. It was not.
I am so sorry for your pain. My heart breaks for you. There is nothing like needing
closure and being totally unable to get it.
\ God bless, Sue

Last edited by Administrator; 06-17-2010 at 08:51 AM.

 
Old 06-05-2010, 02:38 PM   #3
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Hi Sue.

Thank you so much for your reply and the very good advice.
I dug out my husbands golf clubs today and successfully destroyed them all. It did make me feel better for a while but then I had to clean up the mess I'd made and that dull, festering black ache in my chest crept back. I know it's way too early to expect it to go away yet but I just wish it would fade a little bit. That ache is so powerful that I'm aware of it every hour of the day and I even dream about it when I manage to sleep. Because it's so overwhelming I can't think of anything else and it's blocking my ability to think clearly about the things I need to be thinking about. Everyone keeps telling me that life goes on but I don't even know where to start.

I spent over and hour this afternoon twiddling James' wedding ring around in my palm. I tried it on every single one of my fingers and marvelled at how big it is compared to mine. His hands were huge and when he held my hand it was always lost in his. It feels terrifying to know I'll never have that again.
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and whilst I've no intention of jumping, I feel that if someone came up behind me and gave me a shove I wouldn't resist.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal. Far from it in fact. I just don't feel anything that seems real. It's like I'm underwater if that makes sense. Everything is slow and blurred and out of focus.

I'm seeing my GP on Monday as I feel I need to be referred to a counsellor or something like that to help me along the path to wherever the hell it is I'm supposed to end up. He knows the story and is sympathetic. I saw him the week after James died and he said to come and see him the second I felt I needed him. I don't know what I need but I know the stuff I'm feeling is a force bigger than me and I can't make it alone. Not yet anyway.

The thing that bugs me the most is the tidyness in the house. I had a big cleaning spree about 10 days ago just to keep busy. James always drove me mad leaving a mess everywhere he went. Clothes, shoes, magazines, his gadgets were all over the place. His stuff was a like a trail of breadcrumbs! Seeing him all over the house was killing me so I cleaned everything away and now it's even worse. Like he almost never existed and whilst his messiness drove me mad, now I'd give anything to be nagging him to pick up after himself. I tried scattering his stuff around again last night to try and trick myself into thinking he was still here but I can't leave crap around the place with his... what's the word? Panache? And waking up to see his short on the floor makes me think he's still here for a few moments each morning and when I realise he's gone it just makes me feel worse.

I can't win!
I feel like I need to do something to break the cycle I'm in. I'm sure if I could cry and sob to within an inch of my life I'd feel I was getting somewhere but I can't squeeze a drop. I've tried blocking out the affair he had and wish I could force myself to look at our wedding photo's in the hope it may stir some emotion but I can't do it. I'm not ready. In my rage I almost threw the album away but managed to stop myself before I did somthing I regretted.
If only James had had the same self-control huh?
The Other Woman's husband, Adam, is having a hard time too from what I understand. He has 3 children to think about so I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for him. He doesn't deserve this and I'm angry for him and his boys too.
I'm so full of anger I may never feel anything else in my life and that scares me. I've never been an angry person before and had no idea I was capable of feeling this way.

I'm so sorry for rambling on like this. I just seem to be stuck for words when anyone asks me how I'm feeling and yet when I sit at my pc at the end of the day it all comes flooding out and I can't seem to stop it!
Someone tell me to shut up and pull myself together.

Sue. Thank you for the offer of a private message ramble. I may take you up on it if that's ok. I can't talk to my family or friends right now. I know they mean well but they either tell me James made a mistake and he loved me (it doesn't feel like he did right now) or that I should just forgive him because what's done is done and I can't change things now.
My in-laws are so embarrassed about what their son did they can't even look me in the eye at the moment. I've tried telling them it's not their fault but they're grieving as well and I don't have the energy to deal with my own feelings never mind comfort them. I also feel bad that all they do is cry at the moment and I can't show any emotion. The guilt is unbearable yet I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. It's all such a mess.

 
Old 06-05-2010, 02:52 PM   #4
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

I don't think I have anything of use to say to you, just wanted to let you know that you have my sympathy, for your loss and the horrifying discovery that came with it. I wish you well on your journey through the grief. In my opinion, you are handling things well so far and are open to more help. That is all good.

Take care!

 
Old 06-05-2010, 04:43 PM   #5
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

I think one thing that you should know is...there is no "normal" when it comes to grieving, and no one else has the right to tell you how to grieve.

You have every right to be angry. Who wouldn't be? You didn't know about the affair, the affair is what took your husband away, and he's not even here for you to be angry with and yell at about it. You need closure, and it's not there for you to get, because he is gone.

Your grief, feelings of betrayal, and your anger are all feelings anyone ought to expect you to have. Give yourself a break. You ARE a grieving widow. Just because you aren't grieving exactly like someone else thinks you should-- who gives them the right to make that decision for you?

I think eventually you will forgive your husband, not for him, but for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the shock of what you found out. Those are terrible things- and it sounds like you are being very strong. I'm glad you found us here, and hope you'll post any time you feel like talking.

 
Old 06-05-2010, 06:43 PM   #6
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Hi,

I've never been thru this but I do know someone who has lost someone recently and they are angry just because they passed and left them. Maybe part of your anger could be that as well I'm not sure but I agree you should probably talk to someone. I think I would need to.

I would definitely be p-off for having the affair, don't get me wrong. You didn't get to yell at him for that, didn't get to call him a sorry you know what or any of those things most of us would get to do. I'd still be mad at 2 months, yep, sure would. Eventually I think you'll grieve. You've just been thrown an extra step in the process so to say.

Keep us posted. Make that appt w/your PCP as soon as you can. You're not gonna get thru this step until you can talk it thru with a professional I don't think. ((((HUGS))))

CJ

 
Old 06-08-2010, 06:44 AM   #7
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind thoughts. Every one of them is appreciated.

I saw my GP on Monday. When I first sat down there was a long silence from us both as there didn't seem anything to say. I know he can't take away the pain and the waiting list to see a bereavement counsellor is about 6 weeks. It's an avenue I have to take but at the moment I can't see anything helping the way I feel about what's happened. My GP offered some antidepressants but said it's a short-term thing to help me get through the next few months until things start to seem a bit more normal - whatever that it - and I can face things again.

I saw Adam (The Other Woman's husband) yesterday.
I phoned and asked him if he could meet me for a cup of coffee in town. He thought it a bit odd at first and I suppose it was but I needed to ask him what he knew about the affair in an attempt to try and understand things more. He agreed after some gentle persuasion.
I knew I had to handle it with as much sensitivity towards him too as he's in the same boat as I am but he has children to think of too. I'm just all over the place and I need something to focus on. I just don't know what it is yet!

I just wanted to know as much as I could. It was obvious it wasn't a subject he wanted to talk about but I managed to get quite a lot out of him.
James and Karen were having their affair for well over a year. Adam says they met in a bar and from what Karen told him it was an on/off thing as they apparently felt guilty and hadn't deliberately wanted to hurt anyone - didn't do a very good job, did they? - but it seems at the time of the crash it was very much "on".
Adam said he found out about the affair through a friend who saw James and Karen kissing in a pub on Dartmoor - small world it seems - and when he confronted her she was full of remorse and it all came out that as a full-time housewife and mother of three she was feeling taken-for-granted and all the usual stuff that goes with it. Adam, not wanting his marriage to be over, fought for it and seemed to win, at first anyway. But, with the financial climate the way it is and him having to work every hour there is to keep food on the table and a roof over the family head so to speak, she soon wandered back into the arms of James. Adam said he knew things had started between them again but he was loved Karen and his boys and decided the only way to keep them all together was to turn a blind eye.

James was always a flirt. I just always thought it was a harmless one and I never imagined he would stray. My best friend says when her husband cheated she couldn't forgive him as she couldn't get the image of her man with another woman out of her head. I'm the exact opposite. I can't imagine it in a million years and I even asked Adam if he had a photo of Karen on him so I could see her. I was hoping it may conjure up an image of infidelity and it may help me with my rage and even push it to boiling point. I'm hoping if it comes to that point I might feel some relief and move onto another phase of moving on.
I looked at her and felt nothing. No rush of hatred. No nothing.
I just feel weird. She seems like every other woman on earth. Average. And that's part of what annoys me. If she had been exceptionally beautiful or rich, I may not feel so angry. I feel James put our whole life together in jeopardy and it wasn't even worth it. I know that sounds horrible to his lover but I don't care. I don't owe her any kindness as she certainly didn't show me any when she was messing around with my husband.

What is wrong with me?! Why don't I feel anything which even resembles a normal emotion?
I've written James a letter just as a form of therapy to get things of my chest but I just feel guilty for hollering at him for doing this to me and then not even having the decency to live long enough to explain himself.
I feel like I'm this awful, monstrous, terrible person for feeling like a victim and wanting to feel better at any price.
What's wrong with me?

Last edited by anybodyoutthere; 06-08-2010 at 06:49 AM. Reason: poor spelling

 
Old 06-08-2010, 09:16 AM   #8
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Nothing is wrong with you. Look- when our minds become overwhelmed, the emotion center can slow down or shut down entirely, until a time comes that we can deal with that has happened. It's a self-preservation thing in our brains. I become totally numb when something really bad happens. I'm an extremely emotional person, so I think that's probably best for me. I think that is what's happening to you. The emotions WILL come. And they WILL hurt. Right now your brain is processing things and it needs to do that. This is a lot to process.

Please don't beat yourself up or put expectations on yourself for how you're supposed to grieve. Everyone grieves and deals with stuff differently, at our own pace. Give yourself a break- you need one.

(((Hugs)))

Dena

 
Old 06-08-2010, 11:05 AM   #9
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Hugs from me, too. You remind me of myself. My brother died suddenly in less than savory circumstances in 2004. I could not rest until I had exhausted all avenues of finding information surrounding his death. I found it a way to keep from going crazy and I see it now as it was an important part of processing the grief, because I'd suddenly realize that in my subconscious I thought that if I figured it all out, I could somehow "fix" it and we'd have some kind of "do over." Crazy, I know, but that's how my grieving brain and spirit worked.

Now several years later, I've resolved things (I think.) I still find myself overcome with grief and sadness at times, and suppose I always will, but the good parts of my brother's life are what are now in the forefront.

I of course COMPLETELY understand there is a difference between a sibling and spousal relationship, but I just wanted to relate to you that what may seem crazy on the surface all plays a role in the grieving process.

After my brother died, a stranger on a message board told me, "Take care of yourself, as grieving is very hard work." Never has a statement been more true.

MORE hugs!

 
Old 06-13-2010, 07:06 AM   #10
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Just remember that the feelings you are having are yours and yours alone. No one should be telling you how to feel. I know that your must have some that are all over the map. I definitely would recommend a support group, maybe an online support group can get you through until your appointment with a bereavement counselor. As a fellow widow, I can tell you that others cannot possibly understand the anger, hurt and disappointment you feel. You need an objective, non-biased party to look at the situation and advise you as to how to deal with all the emotions you are having. First of all, I advise and urge you to take care of yourself at this time. You are vulnerable in this period and I would not want you to make yourself more sick. Some say not to make major decisions for at least a year, which seems to be good advice. Trying to stay busy and occupied seems to help with the grieving process. I do know that some churches/organizations do have support groups that meet and that may be something that you want to explore. Sometimes having someone that has been through a loss is helpful in that they can understand some of the thoughts and feelings you are having. I know that may help with the loss but to deal with the discovery of an indiscretion in the marriage and the shock of that revelation in additon to the loss of lives, may take a different type of counselling. I would contact my local mental health facility (some regional ones are income based fees) and ask about counselling (maybe even someone who specializes in couples therapy) for the other loss you have felt.

I do hope that you can find a comfortable area to seek out guidance. I know that losing one's life partner is devastating, I can't imagine the feelings that are haunting you now. I just want to say I feel for you and I do hope that time will ease some of your pain.

 
Old 06-14-2010, 12:32 PM   #11
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Thanks again for all your replies and support.

I'm all over the place. It's not even the fact James is dead that I seem to have the biggest issue with. It's that I didn't know him. How can I grieve for a man I didn't know? The anger is overwhelming and I hate anger, it's such a destructive and useless emotion. Anger gets you nowhere but it's all I'm feeling.

If I could make a really polite request and I hope no one is offended - I think it's a wonderful thing for those who find it a comfort. But the mere mention of God and religion makes me feel even more angry and whilst I hope no one is offended by that I cannot help the way I feel.

Hugs to everyone.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-17-2010 at 08:46 AM. Reason: none

 
Old 06-14-2010, 02:08 PM   #12
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Anybodyoutthere-

I'm glad to see you came back. Have you noticed any changes in how you feel? It seems like before you were mostly numb, now you are angry? That seems like progress, really. I know it's a bit of a cliche but they say the grieving process is "Denial, anger, mourning, acceptance" (I think) and so if you have moved to anger I would think you are making progress. And you're right- there were aspects to your husband that you didn't know at all. Although- that may be true of anyone we know, to a point.

 
Old 06-17-2010, 08:05 AM   #13
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

Good morning Helen,

What a story! I'll try my best to give you my best advice if you're still seeking some.

His infidelity behavior was very ugly, and just like you said, if he were on his way to work instead of committing adultery, he'd more than likely have a chance at being present on this earth.

If he were alive and you asked him everything you needed to, do you think you'd get an honest answer? Probably not. I'd just follow his lying ways either way. Some things are better off unknown.

You may find it hard to be dealing with his death in an angry way, but it sounds a lot easier to me to deal with it that way than in a grieving helpless way. I’d rather be angry for the sake of getting over it quicker and a little easier, than feel like I'd rather die because life isn't life without your greatest loved one here living it with you.

I understand your pain. In time it shall mellow out. In time answers won't even make a difference. He loved you, regardless of his actions. Men are different from women. He loved you. That's all you need to be hanging on to, not the fact that he was cheating. That's a done deal; nothing can be done about it. Just know he loved you enough to hold it back from you, considering your feelings.

Good luck
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Last edited by Administrator; 06-17-2010 at 08:45 AM.

 
Old 07-15-2010, 11:25 AM   #14
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

As a complete psychological layman -- I think what you're faced with is trying to process not one, but two, horrible life altering tragedies at once. No wonder you felt weird at the funeral, you weren't ready for that step yet, you were still reeling from the discovery of the affair. It's too much for you to try to process alone. I second the sugestion of a therapist to help guide you through the two greiving processes you are going through now.

I'm so sorry for everything you have lost.

 
Old 07-27-2010, 04:20 AM   #15
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Re: Husband Died In A Car Crash But He Wasn't Alone.

That is such a terrible tragedy! I can't even begin to comprehend how you might be feeling. To lose your husband so suddenly would be a huge shock but to also find out that he was having an affair would make things very complicated. I can't imagine the different emotions you must be going through.

My parents lost a very close friend in a freak accident over 8 years ago (lets call him Steve). He literally woke up early 1 morning and died at 7.30am on the same morning. Steve went to visit his neighbour because their dog had got out. He went to return him and stayed for a coffee. After that, he rode his motorbike down his driveway (they lived on a big property and worked on it aswell, growiing fruit and vegetables). He got to the road and didn't look when he drove across (the road went through their property). A 4 wheel drive hit him and he died instantly. His wife was with him shortly after this and the other neighbour tried to revive him but it was too late. He also did this for the wife's sake and because he felt that he needed to try CPR, even though he knew he was already dead. Steve's neighbour blamed himself (the one whose dog he returned) and he said if he didn't visit him that morning, he would have driven across the road earlier and not been hit by that 4 wheel drive. Of course, nobody blamed anyone for this accident, it was nobody's fault but it was such a terrible tragedy. However, Steve didn't have an affair while he was alive so I guess its not really the same. Steve's wife took flowers to his grave every single day for a long time after he died, this was her way of grieving. Even after 8 years, I still remember that terrible day like it was yesterday.

I can't really offer any advice as I have never experienced anything like that before. I agree with another poster on here about going to counselling. I also think that remembering the good years that you had with your husband might help, as it would be so hard to know just how to grieve in this situation. My parents said that after Steve died, they tried not to think about the 'what ifs' of that situation. They also said that they couldn't turn back the clock. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes I wish that we could all live forever.

 
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