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Old 09-10-2010, 05:11 AM   #1
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My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

Hi, sorry to go on but my Dad passed 7 weeks ago, he went in for a heart bypass and repair to his aorta which everything went fine except they damaged his vocal cords so he had troouble swallowing food and drink as it went into his lungs, he had surgery to repair this but nurses still were feeding him even though it was still going into his lungs. He passed 3 weeks later to blood clots but deep down i think it was due to his lungs. They called me at 1.30am to say he had been taken back to ICU which he already had spent 17 days in there, they sedated him as he was struggling with his lungs and they said it can wait till the morning, i then got a call at 7am to say he had deteriated, when we got there they were doing CPR and we never got to say goodbye. I had to go through him ringing me in the middle of the night as he asked me to come get him or he would be dead before i got there. With all this i was driving everyday into see him heavily pregnant a hour each way, i ended up giving birth 9 days after he passed which i was due on his funeral, it makes it so hard as he will never get to meet his grandson.
I went to councilling which made me feel worse, any advice from someone who has been through the same thing as me would be good as we were soooo close, it hurts so much

Last edited by stayin alive; 09-10-2010 at 02:09 PM.

 
Old 09-13-2010, 07:30 PM   #2
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

How horrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. Greiving takes time, but with the birth of your new child (congratulations) you are feeling more overwhelmed than most. On top of all that ... you might have some post-partum depression complicating things. You might want to talk about your ob/gyn about that.

Forget about the details of your father's death for now. Remember his best times, cry and greive over what you've lost. Focus on your baby ... does he remind you of your Dad in any way?

Once YOU feel stronger and more stable, then you can delve into the medical stuff and investigate futher if you feel the need to do so.

(((hugs))) to you. Just try to take it one day at a time.

 
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Old 09-14-2010, 07:25 AM   #3
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

I am SOOOOOOO sorry for the loss of your dad.i can relate 2 you as i recently lost my dad also.PLEASE excuse me if i ramble but i want you 2 know my dad's story also.my dad died from stage4 melanoma.he fought with me sooo hard about getting treatment 4 it as he believed in "DIVINE INTERVENTION" which meant he had the belief that GOD would make him better or he was't going 2 take him until it was his time 2 go.he simply refused 2 go 2 the dr.i moved in with my dad for the 6 months of his life.i have 2 sisters,1brother and none of them stepped up 2 the plate 2 help me take care of him.the cancer was on his face(it started out about the size of a pencil eraser and then he had a place on his back about as big as a quarter).of course the places kept on growing without any medical help.he thought between me{i used 2 work 4 a dr)and GOD that we could make him better.2 make a long story short the pain he was suffering from and the size of the growth it had went all the way up 2 his eye i had 2 intervene against his wishes and have him put in the hospital.he was REALLY mad at me 4 doing it but i knew it was the right thing 2 do.he was there 4 about a week when he asked me 2 take him home 2 die so i did.he was home 1 day and night before he passed.during the night that he was at home he was coherent for about 3 hours(i was alone with him)and we had some of the best conversation we had ever had in my entire life.he knew he was home and he had forgiven me 4 the hospital ordeal.i told him i knew he was suffering and that it was ok it was time 4 me 2 let him go that i would be ok until i saw him again.he passed in my arms at lunchtime the next day.he had known he was going 2 die at christmas because he had me to make all of his obituary plans while he was still alive so that they would be EXACTLY as he wanted so of course i made them which was one of the hardest things i have ever had 2 do.my father passed i 4n april.i miss him SOOO much and i NEVER thought i would miss him more than my mom but i do.i lost my mom in 1992 when i was only 26 so sometimes i basically feel like an orphan on this earth. i DO know how bad it is 2 miss your dad and my heart goes out 2 you SOOOO much because not only did you lose your dad he never got 2 see your baby i can't even begin 2 imagine what that feels like.PLEASE just know i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and you can write me ANYTIME i WILL answer you back as soon as i see your post.until next time TAKE CARE!!!!

 
Old 09-14-2010, 02:33 PM   #4
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

Oh wow, your story sounds so familiar to mine, but it was my mother. I was about 36 weeks pregnant and came down with preeclampsia and had to have an emergency c-section. Well at the time she was with my son and nephew.. my daughter was placed in NICU due to TTN, and we were all worried, but my mom finally got to hold her when she was a week old. She came home shortly there after, and the day before my daughter turned 2 weeks old, my mother called my sister and said that she didn't feel good and needed EMS called. My sister called them, and then headed to the house. When she got there, they were preforming CPR on my mother in the driveway. They finally got a pulse back after 45 minutes, transported her to the hospital, they said they thought she was having alot of mini heart attacks, and that she might have had an allergic reaction, and needed to transfer her to a specialty heart hospital.

The next day was a long one, and finally the neurologist came in and said that she was brain dead and there was nothing we could do. So we decided to take her off life support. And she passed away.

I am still in shock, and have lost about 40 lbs, and just so upset. I love my mother more than anything. I keep waiting for the days that get better that everyone tells you about, but I'm just not there yet. So I feel your pain, and know that you aren't alone!

 
Old 09-17-2010, 02:59 AM   #5
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

Thankyou so much to all of you who replied, it just feels so hard because he was only 64 years old. All stories helps me a little.

 
Old 09-17-2010, 03:14 AM   #6
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkerbell45 View Post
I am SOOOOOOO sorry for the loss of your dad.i can relate 2 you as i recently lost my dad also.PLEASE excuse me if i ramble but i want you 2 know my dad's story also.my dad died from stage4 melanoma.he fought with me sooo hard about getting treatment 4 it as he believed in "DIVINE INTERVENTION" which meant he had the belief that GOD would make him better or he was't going 2 take him until it was his time 2 go.he simply refused 2 go 2 the dr.i moved in with my dad for the 6 months of his life.i have 2 sisters,1brother and none of them stepped up 2 the plate 2 help me take care of him.the cancer was on his face(it started out about the size of a pencil eraser and then he had a place on his back about as big as a quarter).of course the places kept on growing without any medical help.he thought between me{i used 2 work 4 a dr)and GOD that we could make him better.2 make a long story short the pain he was suffering from and the size of the growth it had went all the way up 2 his eye i had 2 intervene against his wishes and have him put in the hospital.he was REALLY mad at me 4 doing it but i knew it was the right thing 2 do.he was there 4 about a week when he asked me 2 take him home 2 die so i did.he was home 1 day and night before he passed.during the night that he was at home he was coherent for about 3 hours(i was alone with him)and we had some of the best conversation we had ever had in my entire life.he knew he was home and he had forgiven me 4 the hospital ordeal.i told him i knew he was suffering and that it was ok it was time 4 me 2 let him go that i would be ok until i saw him again.he passed in my arms at lunchtime the next day.he had known he was going 2 die at christmas because he had me to make all of his obituary plans while he was still alive so that they would be EXACTLY as he wanted so of course i made them which was one of the hardest things i have ever had 2 do.my father passed i 4n april.i miss him SOOO much and i NEVER thought i would miss him more than my mom but i do.i lost my mom in 1992 when i was only 26 so sometimes i basically feel like an orphan on this earth. i DO know how bad it is 2 miss your dad and my heart goes out 2 you SOOOO much because not only did you lose your dad he never got 2 see your baby i can't even begin 2 imagine what that feels like.PLEASE just know i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and you can write me ANYTIME i WILL answer you back as soon as i see your post.until next time TAKE CARE!!!!
Thanks so much for relpying to me, how old was your dad? It is soo hard because i used to take my dad for all his appointments and my 2.5 yr old son would also come. I promised my dad i would look after my mum which im doing but its hard to be normal. How are you feeling? Its just such a hard life! Thnkyou for talking to me

 
Old 09-17-2010, 04:23 AM   #7
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

I thought I would add the perspective of a senior citizen. My husband passed away in 2006. Of course I grieved and cried a lot for a long time . . . still do when I get melancholy. My mother and father both passed at 58 and 64, respectively. It was different when my husband passed . . . he was 65, traveling overseas and was cremated there. Somehow I faced my own passing with new clarity. This life always leads to death. Many of my friends are much older than I and sometimes it feels like I'm always going to "Celebrations of Life". It's okay. I can understand the father who awaited divine intervention. You were his angel. It's sad not to get to say goodbye . . . my husband was a world away! My children and grandchildren love me and we always say, "Love you, bye." on the phone or when leaving. It is truly a miracle what we humans can survive . . . and what awaits us on the other side! I tell them I'll come back and let them know if I can. May the wind be always at your back. An old Irish proverb

 
Old 09-17-2010, 10:53 AM   #8
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

I'm doing as good as I can but I still miss him SOO bad its just so fresh and a lot of people think once the service is over that everyting goes back to normal and it does not.Thank you for answering me and stay in touch. TAKE CARE until next time...

 
Old 09-23-2010, 06:45 AM   #9
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkerbell45 View Post
I'm doing as good as I can but I still miss him SOO bad its just so fresh and a lot of people think once the service is over that everyting goes back to normal and it does not.Thank you for answering me and stay in touch. TAKE CARE until next time...
Thankyou for being understanding, i dont have anyone around me to talk to who has lost their Dad so it feels like no one understands or would know how it feels. how long has it been now since your dad passed? This weekend it will be 9 wks and it feels like the day it happened still. I can understand what you you mean about your siblings not doing much, i feel i was the one constantly doing everything such as driving everyday to see him for a month (which i am greatfull as i got to see him) but being heavily pregnant was hard and it felt like i had to tell the nurses how to do their job. So how do you cope? Thanks Amanda

 
Old 09-23-2010, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

My dad has been gone for a year and it still seems unreal. NOBODY mentions him anymore unless I bring him up. I have two sisters and one brother and they did absolutely NOTHING and I'm the youngest of course like I said I WOULD not trade my time with him for NOTHING!!! I was with him by myself when he passed,he passed at his home and my siblings didn't come until AFTER he was gone. Even though its been a year I still call the grief hotline I got this number from the funeral home. I also go to counseling monthly its my therapist I see for mt depression but he REALLY helps me a lot talking about my dad too. The grief hotline has suggested I go to grief meetings but I just don't feel ready for that yet. I won't lie to you there are still days the grief is so overwhelming I cry until I just can't cry anymore. I think that one thing that bothers me the MOST is NOBODY seems to not want to talk about him since he's gone and that REALLY gets to me. So I guess mainly I try to take it one day at a time and to concentrate on the good times but its stii HARD! Feel free to write me ANYTIME. ROSE

 
Old 09-27-2010, 02:57 AM   #11
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

SO sorry for ur dad...
but you have to strong for your baby....
i emotional but, your baby will give you strength as your father give...
your father was alway with think like that.
all the best my firend.

 
Old 10-11-2010, 01:44 AM   #12
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

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Originally Posted by tinkerbell45 View Post
My dad has been gone for a year and it still seems unreal. NOBODY mentions him anymore unless I bring him up. I have two sisters and one brother and they did absolutely NOTHING and I'm the youngest of course like I said I WOULD not trade my time with him for NOTHING!!! I was with him by myself when he passed,he passed at his home and my siblings didn't come until AFTER he was gone. Even though its been a year I still call the grief hotline I got this number from the funeral home. I also go to counseling monthly its my therapist I see for mt depression but he REALLY helps me a lot talking about my dad too. The grief hotline has suggested I go to grief meetings but I just don't feel ready for that yet. I won't lie to you there are still days the grief is so overwhelming I cry until I just can't cry anymore. I think that one thing that bothers me the MOST is NOBODY seems to not want to talk about him since he's gone and that REALLY gets to me. So I guess mainly I try to take it one day at a time and to concentrate on the good times but its stii HARD! Feel free to write me ANYTIME. ROSE
I feel so sorry for you to have to go through you being by yourself with your father at the time of his passing, at least he had you there with him im sure he would of appreiciated it.
The doctor put me on antidepressants and i tried councilling but i couldnt stand it.
And your right no one seems to talk about him anymore, even though im constantly thinking of him, my whole life has changed so much.
My mum will mention him from time to time but she has admitted she doesnt like talking about him which is really hard.
Thanks for listening just felt like talking about my Dad cause i miss him so much.

 
Old 08-05-2011, 12:34 PM   #13
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

I was pregnant with my son when my dad passed in 1981. He was due to come home from the hospital that day but fell off the hospital bed and lay on the floor till the nurse found him. He was already gone. I still get angry because I was told not to cry (it would be bad for the baby) Since my son was my first I ignorantly listened and didn't grieve. You need to feel all your emotions whether by yourself or with others who won't judge you. Be angry, cry, scream. Just let it all out and not just once but multiple times. Do not answer to anyone. I know ppl say time heals all, but only you can determine that!

 
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Old 09-03-2011, 04:56 AM   #14
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

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Originally Posted by mijacons View Post
I was pregnant with my son when my dad passed in 1981. He was due to come home from the hospital that day but fell off the hospital bed and lay on the floor till the nurse found him. He was already gone. I still get angry because I was told not to cry (it would be bad for the baby) Since my son was my first I ignorantly listened and didn't grieve. You need to feel all your emotions whether by yourself or with others who won't judge you. Be angry, cry, scream. Just let it all out and not just once but multiple times. Do not answer to anyone. I know ppl say time heals all, but only you can determine that!
Hi, i all just sounds so familiar, i too was pregnant with my son and i cant stop having dreams, the nurses say he is fine and can come home.
You too must feel so ripped off, it just isnt meant to be. thankyou so much for replying to me, but i still just dont know how to stop crying for my dad, i miss him so much, its fathers day tomorrow and that is soo hard. Thankyou once again for talking to me.

 
Old 09-03-2011, 04:59 AM   #15
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Re: My Dad passed, i dont know what to do

Happy fathers day dad to the greatest father in the world, i love you sooo much, i miss you more than ever i wish you were here, all my love forever amanda

 
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