Death of a friend
I don't know where else to turn so here goes:
I received the terrible news a week or so ago. A man that I once loved very dearly and was engaged to at one time was killed in a traffic accident. He was killed on impact. He and I dated years ago when we were both in our 20's and eventually got engaged. Our relationship was very passionate and intense which is both wonderful and awful. Along with the strong love, also comes strong disagreements. We were together 5 yrs but split up because we just couldn't see eye to eye on some very important issues. We split up but remained good friends.
I married a few years later to a wonderful man that I am still with. Almost 16 yrs now. My friend eventually married and had beautiful children with his wife and though we only saw each other from time to time, (we lived in different states) we still remained friends and we were both happy with our lives and our spouses. I was fortunate enough to see him last year and enjoyed our time together. That was the last time I saw him.
I can't seem to get my arms around why I am taking his death so hard. I will always have a special place in my heart for him and will always cherish the past, but why can't I stop thinking about him and how sad I am for his family? I dearly love my husband and do not have any romantic feelings for my old friend, but I am devestated by his passing. I don't know if its guilt because we didn't stay together (I broke it off with him) or what. Until his death, I never thought about him like I do now. I am just so very sad and I can't seem to shake it.
I haven't met his wife, though she was kind enough to tell mutual friends it was alright for me to go to his memorial service which I did attend with my husband. I would have introduced myself to her, but there were just too many people there. I know she must be a great person and I know he loved her very much. My heart break for her as she has young children to care for now by herself.
I just don't know how to pull myself out of this fog. I can't believe he's dead and I will never see him again.