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Old 10-15-2010, 01:46 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 81
jamesinUK HB User
asking for a friend, her dad died and now has to care full time for her mother

Hi, part of this question isnít for this section but i hope someone can offer some advice.

A friend has recently lost her father, which she is finding very difficult to deal with, there is also an added issue which she now has to deal with. Her mum is also pretty poorly, she has mental health issues as far as i know, she finds it hard doing a lot on her own, although her mum used to do some things, since the dad died she seems to need everything doing for her, my friend also said her mum wonít accept that he has died.

Her mum isnít eating much at all, and wonít go out or do anything by herself, she also says a lot she wants to die.

My friend has had to quit her full time job to look after her mum not 24/7, which is a big blow to her, plus one of the biggest issues is my friend hasnít gotten over her dad and needs time for that and feels pretty helpless about everything, to make things worse her family arenít being much help about it all, i suggested she needs full time care and she said the family would disown her if she done that.

I asked her to go to her gp and ask what she can do and the gp said you will have to care for your mum and didnít offer any type of help.

So my question is in this section how can my friend cope with everything and the death while everything else is going on, is there anything she can do for help for herself?

I guess the other question is is there any help at all for her mum, i know this might be the wrong section for this, but its too closely related to the issue of her dad, bearing in mind the gp hasnít offered anything and she feels her family will disown her if she gets some type of carer.

Any advice would be welcome.



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Old 10-16-2010, 02:30 PM   #2
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 81
jamesinUK HB User
Re: asking for a friend, her dad died and now has to care full time for her mother

anyone please?

Old 10-18-2010, 12:18 PM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 24
arogerskid HB User
Re: asking for a friend, her dad died and now has to care full time for her mother

Originally Posted by james_uk View Post
anyone please?
James, I understand your concern. Your friend is facing an extraordinary challenge. Although I don't live in the UK (but in Texas) some things may translate to your health services.

If at all possible to see a mental health professional without a physcian's referral, your friend should RUN not walk to such a service. If a time delay is inherit in such an appointment or she is unable to get a required referral, I would recommend calling a hospice group in her area. Even though her mum isn't a hospice client, they may have seminars, workshops, a grief support group to join or referral capabilities that could help both ladies. A minister or social worker from the health service or local hospital might be another option/resource. Even asking the funeral home director about how to access grief counseling services may be fruitful.

Communicating with or joining a caregiver's support group can be a big help. She may need to find respite (temporary adult daycare) help to attend meetings, seminars, or just to sleep soundly for a well deserved nap or movie.

This poor lady has given up and your friend needs help in caring for her as you have rightly discerned. She cannot change her mother's outlook without the help of mental health professionals.

Does the UK have a pension or subsidy system that would give your friend some income for taking care of her mother?

Your friend is fortunate to have you aid her search for help.

God Bless all three of you!


Old 10-18-2010, 04:39 PM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 80
dan49 HB User
Re: asking for a friend, her dad died and now has to care full time for her mother

Originally Posted by james_uk View Post
anyone please?
This is indeed a tough issue. I really feel for your friend. I was left in pretty much the same situation caring for my mom. No one there, but me. I agree with the previous post. I also live in US in Texas so I do not know the UK system.

I would hope there would be some type of either goverment or private help that she could apply for. As far as Hospice I do understand (plus it seems that she is a good daughter ) families do not always undertand the task of the cargiver as your friend is. It is very hard. She might have to make a tough decision as I did. It is not easy but sometimes the only way.

Maybe as a friend you could help say one day a month or a few hrs a month so she can get out. I don't know ur situation I had a few friends that would help out once in a while.

I thank you for being her friend she needs that now.

May God watch over you all.

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