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Old 11-06-2010, 04:08 AM   #1
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Question Sudden death of my husband.

On Sun., Sept.19th/10, my husband passed away in my arms. We have been married for 18-1/2 years and for 12 of those years he has suffered major lung problems...not from anything that he had or was doing to himself...ie: drinking too much or smoking too much. I suppose all I really want to know from anyone is whether or not you know of anyone dying without any cause? After his autopsy, the coroners have not been able to find any C.O.D. (Cause Of Death) and this is not sitting with me very well as even though they didn't know why, they still released his body to the funeral home where he was cremated 10 days later. Meaning, that there is nothing they can go back and look at. He was to be 62 this Dec. I live in Canada, (Vancouver), where he underwent a single lung transplant in Mar./07. Although he recovered incredibly well, this was to become the beginning of many problems and had he made it to Tues., Sept. 21, he was scheduled to re-enter the hospital for his 30th time! It was getting that he was in need of hospitalization every 4-6weeks to have a bronchoscopy done as he kept getting fibrous growth in the area of the lung/bronchial tube area. Before I go into this any further, I will just leave it at this and see who responds based on what I have written to this point. This is extremely difficult for me as anyone who has lost a spouse can tell you, but because he died in my arms, in our bedroom, after 17 mins. of CPR while on the phone to 9-1-1 knowing that he was already gone, I am beating myself up in what it was that I missed. Why did I not see anything prior?

 
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Old 11-06-2010, 06:14 AM   #2
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

I cannot answer your medical question, but I CAN tell you this. It was not your fault.
Your husband was obviously not a well man for many years. You are a loving, devoted wife who misses him and wishes you could have done more. I understand that. But please, don't blame yourself. Your husband is resting in peace now, no more tests, pain, or hospitals. Now is your time to grieve and miss the man you've loved for so long. Please don't add unnecessary guilt to the mix, as your loss is already hard enough for you.
You have done nothing wrong, there was nothing you could have done.

 
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Old 11-06-2010, 07:51 AM   #3
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

I agree 100%. This isn't something that you need to blanket yourself in guilt with......you need to grieve and from what I read your husband was a very sick man who required a lung transplant. After procedures there are complications that can arise, there are risks such as blood clots, scar tissue and many other factors that could go undetected on an autopsy.

So....rest assured that there really wasn't anything you could do, that your dear husband didn't suffer very long and died in your loving arms where he felt loved and safe.

I know that you long to have him with you but be comforted that he is at peace, no more tests and bronchoscopies to worry about.

I lost my little brother a little over a year ago at 46 years old and my dear mom 9 months later.

I miss them terribly, I am still mourning their loss as is my dad and my other brother.

It isn't easy but there are so many wonderful memories that help me along.

I am sure that you have plenty of those too.

Give yourself permission to grieve your loss. Everybody does it at their own pace.

Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) letting you know that you are not alone.

Love ~ Ivory

 
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Old 11-09-2010, 04:49 AM   #4
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chiclet View Post
On Sun., Sept.19th/10, my husband passed away in my arms. We have been married for 18-1/2 years and for 12 of those years he has suffered major lung problems...not from anything that he had or was doing to himself...ie: drinking too much or smoking too much. I suppose all I really want to know from anyone is whether or not you know of anyone dying without any cause? After his autopsy, the coroners have not been able to find any C.O.D. (Cause Of Death) and this is not sitting with me very well as even though they didn't know why, they still released his body to the funeral home where he was cremated 10 days later. Meaning, that there is nothing they can go back and look at. He was to be 62 this Dec. I live in Canada, (Vancouver), where he underwent a single lung transplant in Mar./07. Although he recovered incredibly well, this was to become the beginning of many problems and had he made it to Tues., Sept. 21, he was scheduled to re-enter the hospital for his 30th time! It was getting that he was in need of hospitalization every 4-6weeks to have a bronchoscopy done as he kept getting fibrous growth in the area of the lung/bronchial tube area. Before I go into this any further, I will just leave it at this and see who responds based on what I have written to this point. This is extremely difficult for me as anyone who has lost a spouse can tell you, but because he died in my arms, in our bedroom, after 17 mins. of CPR while on the phone to 9-1-1 knowing that he was already gone, I am beating myself up in what it was that I missed. Why did I not see anything prior?
Hi, i am not a spouse but i am a daughter which i have gone through simular experiences.
My dad was 64years and went into hospital to have heart surgery which went ok but they damaged his vocal folds so everything he swallowed went into his lungs, and he already had heart surgery 10years ago which damaged 1 lung so he only had 1 lung functioning.
I can understand where your coming from because i could see my mum going through everything cause i took her in to the hospital daily while i was heavily pregnant plus taking my 2yr old with us too.
We never got a autopsy but now i sort of wish we did, because nurses were feeding him when they were not supposed to so everything was going into his lungs. We too got a phone call to say they had started CPR but when we got there they were still doing it then we never got to see him.
It was the worst day of my life and now i support my mum so much and the other thing is i promised my dad i woud look after my mum which she is going ok but if there is anything i can do for you or if there is any advice for my mum please let me know.
I too beat myself up saying "what if" or think of if only i did something else. So you did everything you could you dont need to go beating yourself up.
Thankyou Amanda

Last edited by stayin alive; 11-09-2010 at 01:08 PM.

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:40 AM   #5
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

reading this is so sad. so sorry for your loss. i can't even imagine how it must of felt for you to have your husband die in your arms. i agree with the others he had health problems honey it wasnt anybodys fault its just one of those things i guess. you did your very best to save him and he knew you loved him. please don't blame yourself fill my your mind with many happy memorys and the good times to make you smile or even laugh like if you 2 did something funny together. don't fill your mind with guilt and self blame i am sure your husband wouldnt want you to feel this way. sending my love to you and your family x

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:17 PM   #6
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stayin alive View Post
Hi, i am not a spouse but i am a daughter which i have gone through simular experiences.
My dad was 64years and went into hospital to have heart surgery which went ok but they damaged his vocal folds so everything he swallowed went into his lungs, and he already had heart surgery 10years ago which damaged 1 lung so he only had 1 lung functioning.
I can understand where your coming from because i could see my mum going through everything cause i took her in to the hospital daily while i was heavily pregnant plus taking my 2yr old with us too.
We never got a autopsy but now i sort of wish we did, because nurses were feeding him when they were not supposed to so everything was going into his lungs. We too got a phone call to say they had started CPR but when we got there they were still doing it then we never got to see him.
It was the worst day of my life and now i support my mum so much and the other thing is i promised my dad i woud look after my mum which she is going ok but if there is anything i can do for you or if there is any advice for my mum please let me know.
I too beat myself up saying "what if" or think of if only i did something else. So you did everything you could you dont need to go beating yourself up.
Thankyou Amanda

 
Old 11-15-2010, 02:25 PM   #7
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Hi Amanda:

So sorry for your losses. I am not really "in a place" (mentally0 right now to delve into this further with you, but please know you are in my prayers. I just have one question please...my husband's body was released for cremation after only 7-10 days (?) without them finding a Cause of Death (C.O.D.) I have a sister who has been a nurse at a small hospital in the USA for over 20+ yrs. and she says that there are no states whatesoever that will send a body to be cremated without knowing the C.O.D. This is what has been so disturbing to me. He went within seconds (minutes) in front of me...and no-one can tell me why. I live in Canada and, as of yet, have not Googled this. What are the laws in Australia?

In sadness,
Karen
PS (I have an e-daughter in Adelaide for the past 8 years, now an e-grandaughter as well. Isn't the internet great?)

 
Old 11-17-2010, 09:16 PM   #8
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Chiclet-So sorry for the loss of your husband. There was nothing else you could have done. You mentioned your concern with not knowing how he died since he has been cremated already. 25 years ago I lost my dear husband very suddenly. He was 21. He was not sick or a smoker, drug abuser or heavy drinker. The medical examiner was stumped. He called me numerous times in the following weeks with questions. Finally three months later they figured what happened. He was born with a heart murmur that never gave him any problems. Not one. But he ended up with a viral heart infection. They guess it happened when he had a dental procedure awhile before died. He should have been given antibiotics during the procedure but wasn't. Even though you don't have an answer right now don't give up yet. Some tests take weeks to get results back. They might have already done them and are waiting for the results. Take Care P

 
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Old 11-18-2010, 11:25 PM   #9
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.



Hi P: Thank you so much for your kind reply. Just one problem though, as my husband (Ian) was a 3-1/2 yr. single lung transplant recipient (Mar.'07) he underwent more tests than I think we both had acquired to that date all put together. The Transplant Society in Vacnouver, Canada is very well-reknowned around the world. We were very lucky to have been selected. Yes,they just don't gve transplants to anyone. Meaning that you must have the desire to live, a strong support base, a spouse or family or caregiver that will be there always. Plus a million other things, including heart testing. And becuz I have no idea what you know about transplants, allow me just to say that what it really all boils down to is that they are NOT going to be wasting an organ on someone, say, who is going to con't. to drink, or smoke, etc. Makes sense, ya? It's alot of money and time put into that one patient for, at the outside, so far, of 15 years. Becuz Ian was on all the usual anti-rejection meds, whenever he went back into the hospital, they always put him in a "clean room" as he had little to no immune system. Catching anything , even a cold, could mean his death. From the day he first collapsed 12 years earlier to what would turn out to be, unbeknownst to us, our final night together, his heart was always his saving grace. It was and always had been very strong. And I know that this all can mean diddly. I have spoken to 2 coroners, one involved, one not, so far, and even tho they have already released his body back to the funeral home and his subsequent cremation, they, and I, agree that his heart was not the culprit.

I was kneeling in front of him as he sat facing me, and I watched him for signs of everything. And tho I'm not God, 2 days after the nite he passed he was scheduled to be re-admitted to the hosp'l for his 30th time in 3-1/2 yrs!!! and I could NOT find anything that looked out-of-sorts with him that night and we were having a conversation while I finally decided to get the cordless phone (2 steps away) to call 9-1-1. It was that instant when I had my back to him that he crashed to the floor. I believe he was gone before he hit the floor. Doing CPR on on your spouse while you wait for help knowing that it wasn't necessary (he was already blue) and to this day I play that reel over & over again in my mind trying to see what it was I missed. This is where you understand, P, and I thank you for it, that there is nothing I should be beating myself up over from all that happened that night. But you also know, P, that these are merely words, and no matter how smart or not you may be, you will understand when something is so blatantly futile...but you still give it all you have and more.

And to lose your husband when he is only 21 is unthinkable, especially since he took such good care of himself. I am so sorry for your loss. Even after all this time, that will always mean something and that teeny-tiny little niche in your heart will never be replaced. I don't know where you live, but in Canada, apparently, the Coroner is God. I know in the USA no body can be released from a coroner back to the family or funeral home until there is a C.O.D. (Cause Of Death). My sister is a nurse over 20+ yrs. in WA State and all her inquiries have brought her back to me with this news. In Canada, I am still having a hard time just finding out what the laws are!!! So you had to wait for 3 months...my God. Tomorrow will be 2 months for me without answers, and if they can't find any, they are out of luck, as he is nicely packed in plastic inside this beautifully sanded, white pine 8" x 8" x 7" box. My problem is that there is no reason for him to have been released without a C.O.D.!!! I don't really wonder the "why" so much as I do their lack of caring about his final wishes. One was to be donated to the University of BC right next to the Vancouver General Hospital (it is a teaching hospital) into the Anatomy Section and my biggest fight with the coronoer wanting to do an autopsy was becuz they don't accept bodies that have had surgery up to 3 months prior to death. I even had his Power of Attorney over Body but it didn't do me any good. I would be curious to know, wherever you are from, what the laws are in bodies being released without a C.O.D. As Ian had so many things wrong with him stemming from the transplant, they should have just picked one thing and called it a day, relased him back to me where I would be a ble to grant his biggest wish. I am very saddened and incredibly confused by this whole mess it takes up most of my daily energy. I know, I know. This is all wrong, but it's ony been 2 months, or 8+ weeks or 61 days.

I'm sorry I have written so much, and it is the first time that I have been able to speak any further than I did in my first Post here. I guess you just set something off inside me and made it possible to say the rest. Have my shoulders come down from being up around my ears from all the stress?...no...but you somehow, perhaps even innocently, have got me thinking in a different way, and for that I give you many hugs and thanks. We each have our own separate journeys, you have suffered longert han I, but at the same time, you have had more time to move on and I hope you have found love again. That's all any of us can hope for.

Still sad and tearful,
Karen in Canada













Quote:
Originally Posted by painfulneck View Post
Chiclet-So sorry for the loss of your husband. There was nothing else you could have done. You mentioned your concern with not knowing how he died since he has been cremated already. 25 years ago I lost my dear husband very suddenly. He was 21. He was not sick or a smoker, drug abuser or heavy drinker. The medical examiner was stumped. He called me numerous times in the following weeks with questions. Finally three months later they figured what happened. He was born with a heart murmur that never gave him any problems. Not one. But he ended up with a viral heart infection. They guess it happened when he had a dental procedure awhile before died. He should have been given antibiotics during the procedure but wasn't. Even though you don't have an answer right now don't give up yet. Some tests take weeks to get results back. They might have already done them and are waiting for the results. Take Care P

 
Old 11-18-2010, 11:59 PM   #10
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Hi, i am really sorry i do not know the laws as iv'e never looked into it, my Dad is the first person i have lost around me so i have never had to deal with anything like this before. thankyou for replying to me and my heart goes out to you it would be so hard to have a loved one pass away with you in the same room let alone doing CPR. I really hope you can get answers i wish i could help you more. all i know it does help the tiniest littliest bit just to talk to anyone as the people around you do not fully understand what you are going through. My Dad passing has changed my life incrediably (sorry about the spelling) if you need to talk even about anything, im here

 
Old 11-19-2010, 12:37 AM   #11
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Thank you so very much again. And now, as I go on the journey that has been laid out for me since his passing and I find myself stumbling anywhere along the way, I will definitely come back and look you up. I don't expect it to be easy. Good luck in your life and much love and happiness as well.

Sadly confused,
Chiclet

 
Old 11-19-2010, 01:40 PM   #12
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Re: Sudden death of my husband.

Hi - To me it seems that you both must have been so used to the hospitalizations since his lung transplant that this kind of thing became "normal" to your lifestyle. It is not normal to have to go into the hospital that often...those were the signs. You did not do anything wrong...nor do I think you could have done anything different. Losing someone after that long of a life together is so tough. But it sounds like you did love him with all you had...and for that you shouldn't have any regrets. I'm sure he knew that if there was ANYTHING you could do to help him you would have..and anything that he needed while he was going thru his journey..I'm sure you gave him.
I hope that you find peace with yourself...there was nothing you could have done.
So sorry for your loss.

 
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