This is my first post, and I'm looking for a way to get my feelings off my chest, so I can be strong for my dad. This year has just been in the dumps, from the begining. I have had two miscarriages, my brother has been put in jail, and my father has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.
They say god only gives you things you can deal with, but I am honestly begining to believe he's punishing me. With my first pregnancy, when i miscarried in Feburary of this year, it was hard to deal with , but figured it had happend for a reason and god decided i wasn't ready to be a mom yet. The second miscarriage happend in late August, I started to doubt that this was happening for a reason, and was merely just for someones amusement.
After honestly begining to fill like I was healing and finally dealing with my emotions of losing two pregnancies, my mother calls me to tell me my oldest brother has been put into jail, for robbery. Yes I know this is his own fault, but I still worry and care. On top of that , two days later my dad decides to tell my mom he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in Feburary, and the doctors told him he had 12 months give or take left. He declined treatment, because he wanted to live his life to the fullest and not be bed ridden by therapy. He just decided to tell my mother because he feels that his life is coming to an end. Hes started to talk to people that arent there, and if you leave him alone in the room he has full blown conversations with himself. Hes starting to go in and out of reality it seems, and has started puking blood often. He refuses to go to a hopsital because he says he doesn't want to die there, and wants to be home where he belongs.
My father doesn't know us kids know about his position. It hurts me that he wouldn't want to tell me, and on top of that hes been not speaking to me since early July for reasons unknown. I love my father and it hurt me that he stopped talking to me without telling me why, and now he is terminally ill and still doesn't want to tell me. Hes allowing me to come over now, but doesn't speak much to me when im there. He cries and asks for help, but when i ask him what he needs he says he cant say. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im mentally drained, I feel like im at a breaking point. I dont want to tell him i know, and i want to be strong for him, but its hard when im there and all he does is cry and ask for help, but then wont tell me what he needs help with. Right now all im doing is trying to be a comfort, touching his hand telling him i love him, that im here.
Since all this happend, I honestly don't want to go to my parents house anymore. I guess i feel like if im not there, its not real. And even when i feel like i should go, i can't phsyically get myself to get up and go. I feel helpless.
Well thats all I want to say right now. Thank you for listening, and any suggestions or anything like that are more than welcome.
Hi...you have had it tough..the crying with you...sounds like you are in depression and rightfully so. I bet that your father has known he has not been well for sometime and I don't know your DAD..but sometimes people feel like pushing people away will make it easier on them than putting them thru what they are about to go thru. Like his cancer...he might have known he was ill and didn't want to put the strain on you after everything else you are going thru. Now is not the time to just let things be as they are. I know that it is hard for you to go over there and that you are suffering yourself from heavy depression. I would talk to him..tell you that you love him...tell him that its ok if he doesn't want to burden you with his problems and that you don't mind because he is your DAD...and you are going to be there for him no matter what. I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like he has much longer to live...with throwing up blood. You said it hurts you that he doesn't want to tell you he is sick...he is trying to PROTECT you..don't be hurt...Go along with him...let him have his belief that he is fooling you....go give him a big hug as soon as you can and tell him that you have noticed that he isn't feeling well and you want him to know that you love him no matter what has been transpiring between the two of you lately. Honestly, from the sounds of it...I wouldn't be surprised if he passes within a week or 2. I'm so sad for your sorrow and all the pain you have been throu this year. And at stage 4...please don't be angry with your Dads choice.its highly unlikely they would have been able to cure him and he is right...he probably would have been worse off...it would have prolonged his suffering...and yours.
I'm so sorry...He cries and asks for help...he doesn't know what he wants...he just wants to feel safe and loved so that he can let go. If you or someone can just sit with him..hold his hand...love him....you will be helping him....God its sad....my thoughts are with you.
The Following User Says Thank You to Misssty For This Useful Post: asdnn1 (11-22-2010)
Thank you for your insite. After reading your reply I got the strength to go over. I gave him a huge hug, and told him I know he hasn't been talking to me, but I love him no matter what. He asked me why I would love him, and I said because your my father silly. It was actually a really nice night, we sat and watched old home videos and looked at pictures, and just chatted as a family. He told me my mom made him go get more tests done, and I asked well why would you need tests dad(acting like i have no idea whats going on) and he replied he didn't know LOL. I understand hes trying to protect us, and I understand why he would push me away, I'm his only daughter, so I understand why he doesn't want to hurt me. Other than that he slept about 95% of the time i was there, and when he was awake he was figitting with pain I hate seeing him like that, but refuse to say I know anything until he tells me. If he never tells me so be it, I'm just going to try and spend the time I have left with him.
Thank you so much for your insite again, sorry for rambling. Its nice to be able to let it out though.
I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU...AND SO GLAD YOU FOUND THE COURAGE To do what you did. I'm so glad he isn't going to pass with secrets...because even thou he is NOT telling you...he is NO LONGER HIDING. Unbelievable strength and maturity it took for you to do what you did! Yes, anyone can give you insight and support...but YOU TOOK the steps you needed to take. You will have no regrets....love him, let him love you...and that is a GIFT. We all have to die....I'm sorry your Dad is going now...but, I'm glad that you are able to share these precious moments with him. Take care of yourself in between.