When I was sixteen my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. Through treatment, she went into remission and did really well for about a year. During this time, she married my step dad and we moved into a house together. During a checkup, it was discovered that her cancer had come back, bad. She had to have surgery in which part of her colon was removed and she had to have a colostomy. After that, it went downhill so quickly. It was horrible. For reasons I don't know, she wasn't able to be at a care facility and was stuck at home. She was so sick and in so much pain. At the end, she just stopped taking her chemo drugs and was over it. In the last month, she was in horrible pain and barley conscious due to all the morphine. She died six months before I turned nineteen. She was only 53. That was the most horrible time I have ever experienced.
I have so many hang ups about my mom. I feel guilty about so many things. The week before she died, I went to New York with friends because I couldn't be there anymore. The morning after I got back, she died. I got to say goodbye, but not really. I said goodbye before I left, but she wasn't really there. During the time she was still 'there' and able to talk, she was in too much pain or surrounded by people taking care of her that I never really got to talk to her one last time and tell her I loved her and I was grateful for everything she did for me.
I also feel guilty because I wasn't a great teenager to get along with (who is?). But I just think I could have helped so much more.
I miss her so much. It will be two years in February. Thank you for listening.
I'm sorry for your pain. I have some similar issues- my father died of thyroid cancer when I was 8. I barely had a chance to know him, really. I have tons of mementos, but I wish he'd left me a letter or a video or something.
I'm 37 now, and it still gets to me to think of him and how much I miss him, how much I've missed not having him in my life.
There are, however, a lot of things you can do to move on to the point where when you think of your mother your thoughts are happier. Here are some ideas I have for you, I'm sure other people will have suggestions as well.
1) Make a happy scrapbook that includes photos of you and your mom together, places that you went together that made you happy, memories you have of her, birthday cards she may have given you, stuff like that.
2) Journaling your thoughts and feelings. You have to work through the pain before you can be happy again and it sounds like you have some real guilt although my guess is that your mother would never hold any "difficult teenage years" against you. Write down how you feel- maybe even write your mom a letter telling HER how you feel. If it makes you feel better, burn it after, but writing it out can be cathartic.
3) Consider counseling or a grief support group, or keep posting here on Healthboards where people can offer support and you can remain anonymous.
There's other things that can help with grief indirectly. Prayer, exercise, meditation, yoga, social connections (friends), church groups, hobbies, etc.
I hope you start to feel better. Remember, you're not being disloyal to your mom to stop grieving. I don't think anyone who's passed on would want the people left behind to grieve for long. I think the best thing you can do for your mom and yourself is allow yourself to be happy.
The Following User Says Thank You to EagleRiverDee For This Useful Post: rocarl6686 (12-17-2010)
So sorry to read your story. I lost my mother six months ago, she had gone into hospital here in England for a routine operation, a kidney biopsy which should have been really simple. She had 4 heart attacks they brought her back 3 times but the fourth was just too much for her and she passed on.
I received a phone call to get to the hospital quickly but arrived 30 minutes too late, she had gone. That is something i keep thinking about but i couldnt have driven any faster as i would have been a danger to other people.
I always think of mum everyday, christmas and new year was very difficult for us it was hard to celebrate.
Best thing you can do is remember those treasured times you had together and keep thinking about her and if you believe in angels as i do, when you feel troubled, scared or down call on her to help you, it has always worked for me. Best wishes from England. Godbless
I am in the same shoe as you. I felt guilty too as even though I know my mom is suffering from cancer, but I never thought she is going to leave us so soon. I still see her everyday, talk to her, gossip with her, watch tv with her and so on. But one day, when i came home frm university, she can barely recognised me as I've found out later that she does not have enuff oxygen going to her brain. my dad and i quickly send her to the hospital and even that time, it never crossed my mind that i am going to lose her. I feel so guilty as there are so many things that i do not get the chance to do for her. How i wish she is here to talk to me, listen to me and give me advices once again. I miss my mom and i want her back. I cry myself to sleep every night and this pain does not get any better.
Hey there, I lost my mother in 2008. It was 5 days before i turned 23. She had type 1 diabetes all her life and battled so many health issues related to it. In a way I got used to her not being well, going in and out of hospital for different things. But she was still just my Mum - and looking back I wish I had been there for her more and tried to understand how she was feeling, even though she never really spoke about it she was so strong and just wanted to be like everyone else.
She had so much thrown at her but always got better. Kidney failure, 6 yrs of dialysis, kidney transplant, double below knee amputation, kidney cancer. In 2007 she had a kidney removed as it was cancerous ( she only told us a few months later that it had been cancerous). Then in early 08 she had trouble taking a deep breath and after weeks of tests it was found she had cancer in the lining of her lungs. And kidney failure. They couldnt do anything as her body was too weak from the transplant to handle any chemo etc.
They told us 6-9months but it was only 5 weeks, it was so sudden. She went into hospital to get the fluid drained from her lungs - which she'd had before. I didnt go and visit her, she was inthere for 3 days and i didnt go. I know one night i had a bad day and was in a horrible mood, i was so stressed out by work and everything going on with Mum and i didnt want to put that on her.
Then the next night i was going to go after work, but my sister said she wasnt very good so i said well shoudl i go tomorrow. So i was going to go tomorrow. But she died over night. My Aunt, sister and Dad had all spent a few hours with her that day, but i wasnt there. I replay that over and over, how i would have changed that day. I could have gone after work, later that night after coming home from shopping for my birthday present with my sister. etc etc. my sister said she had been on morphine and was floating in and out, but still i wish i had just gone and sat with her.
It is so hard. I always thought i would have got a chance to say good bye. That we would have had warning.
She was always so sleepy and did not look well, i couldnt talkto her about how it was terminal, otherwise i felt like it would make it more real? And it was just too hard but now in hindsight i wish i did. I wish one of would have just started talking and just gotten it all out. I wish id cried with her and hugged her and taken days off work, i wish id helped her more without her having to ask. Now its over its so much easier to think i could have done this that and the next isnt it?
Sorry this is really long and im going on about myself, but darling you're not alone and i also keep crashing and going back and analysing every single teenage rage, argument etc and regretting things, wanting to change things.
It's normal, and you just gotta forgive yourself. Every mother/child relationship is not perfect, gotta think of the good times and try to forget the bad.
The following user gives a hug of support to Znky: EagleRiverDee (07-28-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Znky For This Useful Post: EagleRiverDee (07-28-2011)
First I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear about your mom. It must have been so painful to see her so sick. I'm sure your mother knew how much you love and cared for her. I think at one point everybody is a pain as a teenager. Most people just get to make it up as adults, but unfortunately you didn't get that chance to be with her through adulthood.
My mom passed away last year from pulmonary fibrosis at the age 55. She was healthy one day then all of a sudden she had to be on oxygen all the time. She didn't even smoke. My mother was so amazing. I was a pain as a teenager then when I was fifteen I got pregnant. She was the only one there for me. I feel horrible about certain things I didn't do, but it is something I just can't change.
Don't beat yourself up. Think about how your mom is at peace and in a beautiful place, and she is always with you. There are something’s that we just can't change- I know it sucks. Even if you would have never left her side, you would still feel like you didn't do enough. Remember, you will get to be with her again one day. God Bless you and your family
I lost my Mom in 2002 and even though its been 10 yeras since her death I miss her something terrible every waking hour. My Mothers death came unexpectedly not that its any real comfort.
She had been dead in her condo for 9 days before my Husband and I went there and found her. I will never forgive myself for not checking on her sooner although it wouldnt have saved her.
At least if I had checked on her sooner she wouldnt have begun to decompose right there in her bedroom.
I've been living with the guilt of that for the past 10 years now and I will say this much it dosnt help anyone or anything. Your only going to hurt yourself I should know I've been doing it evey day since June 17, 2002.
So please take it from one who knows your feelings of guilt are only going to hurt you. Your Mom knew how much you loved her and how greatful you were. There are some things that dont need any words to know.
Moms know alot about those kind of things no questions asked.