Hi there......I cannot really relate firsthand but can from seeing my own mom grieve the loss of my younger brother who died 18 months ago. He had a long rare illness and my mom was so distraught about losing a child before her time came.
I think that was her greatest concern, that she would have to see him go before she did.
I can't even describe the pain I saw in my mom amongst my own during the time he was in Hospice....with my brother there were many times we were called and told "it was time" and he pulled through so that when his time actually came we were as unprepared as the first time.
The only way I can come close to imagining what it must have been like for her was what Mary must have felt when she laid by the cross as they crucified her son.....having to see what was most precious to her suffer and leave this earth before her.
My mom dealt with the loss of my brother much like Mary did with such love, strength and unbelievable grace.
Unfortunately, only 9 months later we lost my mom to biliary cancer. She had never been sick in her life, walked 4 miles a day and they found her liver enlarged. She told us New Year's Eve and by March she was gone.
She left us with the same love, strength and grace. Such a GREAT loss for my dad, my other brother and I.
I know that if she were still here she would want to comfort you and tell you that she understood and try to help you through.
I wanted to post to tell you that you are not alone. Although I don't quite understand what it's like to lose and adult child, I do know the pain of losing two very special people in my life within a short period of one another.
I would recommend that you do post here rather than self-medicate. It is good to let out your feelings rather than holding them within.
If you haven't done so, I have found that journaling my feelings and writing to my brother and mom really helps.
Also, if you can find a bereavement group of others who have lost loved ones that may help as well.
My mom often shared with me how difficult it was to find somebody who understood her loss because it just wasn't right for a child to go before a parent and that many people didn't understand that.
I would imagine that you are feeling much the same.
If I can help in anyway, I would like to even if it is to just listen.
Tell us about your son and what you loved most about him. Talking about him will help you keep his memory alive....the memories I have of my mom and my brother are so wonderful and there are so many that I hold in my heart which help me through the difficult days.
I hope that you find some peace and comfort in knowing and believing that even though your son is no longer here, so long as you honor him by living your life the way in which he would like you to, you are keeping him very much alive by doing so.
Do you have other children?? And how are they doing in terms of grieving the loss of their brother.
Grief is a journey, everyone makes it at their own pace.
Give yourself permission to grieve and be gentle with yourself.
Let me know if I can do anything else to help and hopefully others will come here to help you through the difficult times at night as well.
May God comfort you and bring peace to your heart in knowing that your son is in the Palm of HIS hand.
Love and gentle (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory