Wow, It certainly sounds like you have been through so much in the past few years emotionally. Your dear Mom as well. It is so good that you have been there for her so often and have supported her wishes. It's hard to please everyone all the time. It is impossible. Always someone will be unhappy. Your Mom sounds like she was a strong, brave woman right down to the end.
By your preserving her memory and being a good example to your children you are doing wonders in her legacy no matter what any one else thinks.
Your brother did the best he could with his situation at the time with the last exc assignment he had handled. He is responsible for his own choices and will still be. However things turn out, eventually, will be managed by whoever involved. It seems unfair, lots of things are. You will get through these times. You will be a better person, wiser, stronger and closer to those most important to you. If your brother decides to lighten up, he may be one of them close to you?
Personally, my source of strength, because I can not rely on my own, is filling my spiritual need. Asking questions, finding answers about who, how, why, when, where, are so important.
My Grandmother died February 13, 2011 and her husband on August 22, 2008. They were both 77 at the time of their death, I was both their Personal Care Taker so they could stay at home. My Grandpa died of Skin Cancer (even had to lose an ear) and my Gram died from a fall from Feb. 11, 2011 but she had Rhum. Arth. and COPD (not from smoking but because she was crippledfrom the RA). Each day has been tough but I take comfort knowing I was there for her as much as I could possibly be.
Anyway, she had 7 kids
(4 girls and 3 boys)
she left 1 girl in charge as exc and 1 boy as back up. The house is in a reverse mortgage (a 3 family and two floors are family occupied)Let's just say, there was tension after their Dad died, it just flooded back, plus. The three boys and one girl pretty much side against the other 3 girls, blah blah,..then never mind the 30 other grandkids and 25 great-grandkids
She left a note that said the 4 girls are in charge of dispersing the household goods, except, I get first dibs, sweet? I know. It's been a busy few weeks and I am wiped out!
Take comfort knowing you were there for your family. YOU were. Don't worry about who wasn't. Please take your time time and grieve as long as You need to. Take care of your basic needs, sleep just enough, drink water, eat healthy and move around as much as possible.
Hope your days get brighter and brighter.