Anxiety over Death
Hello Everyone! I've dealt with anxiety and depression for years, since I was about 17. I'm 33 now. I've been on and off medicines for years. I'm currently off and overall have been doing better than I ever have. I've learned so much about myself and handle myself better than I used to. I'm trying to be more social but I'm my own worst enemy and obsessive thinking has always been a battle. Usually it's "I'm fat! Do I look fat? Will I be alone forever?" This has happened before but for the last week or so I've been obsessing over something bad happening to my family. I think about my mom, dad, or brother dying and how my family will just fall apart, including me. We are a small family and have had some issues through the years. My brother controlled my family for a long time and my parents just appeased him b/c they didn't want him to lose his temper. We've come a long way but I'm having a hard time watching my parents getting older, both in their 60's. I know that's not old but I can't get these thoughts out of my head. My brother and I are complete opposites. He is always out and about, not being able to sit still. He has issues but never addressed them. I think b/c of watching him in and out of relationships for years, I'm more introverted with greater fears of taking risks. He lives a fast paced life and I know many of his friends have drug/alcohol issues. Deep in my heart I don't want to think he is taking anything. I hate writing it but I visualize him dying in an accident. My dad is so dependent on the rest of the family, never driving. Both of my parents have health concerns. The thoughts of death just play over and over in my head, actually making it hard for me to catch my breath. I think it would be easier if I went first so I don't have to cope with losing them. I feel when I lose one of them, I won't know how to live life for myself. That as a family, we will not know how to move forward together and indendently. Mom or dad living without the other. The thoughts won't stop. I'm sobbing writing this just wanting the thoughts to stop. I have Xanax on an as needed basis. I took it a little while ago. I should also say I have a great therapist but I can't stop my mind. Please help!!!!