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Old 05-08-2011, 08:59 PM   #1
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My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

This is my first time posting on a thread or a board, or whatever it's called, but I'm desperate for someone who may understand what I'm going through. My ex-husband was a severe alcoholic, needed a medical detox every time. He was in treatment 4 times and his dr. gave him meds to self-detox at home as well. In Nov of 2009, I found he'd taken 111 vicodin in 9 days, plus ambien and klonopin. We were together for 18 years and I'd dealt with it the entire time, but our kids were getting older (they are now 8 and 11), so I told him I needed a divorce because I didn't want them waking up to find him dead.

The divorce was ugly and he lied to his family about the reason for it. He called me in Sept of this year drunk and suicidal. I drove him to tx and the kids and I visited every weekend. His mother and sister were mean to him, his mom told him not to come home for his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's, so we had him over for the holidays.

He relapsed again about 4 weeks ago, and I texted him to say he needed to call his sponsor. The last contact we had with him was that Friday, when he and our daughter spoke. By Sunday, he still wasn't returning phone calls and I was getting worried so I went to his apartment. He was dead. It was horrible. The kids don't know what really happened, I just tell them I don't know why Daddy died. My son is so ANGRY and my daughter just holds it in. I have such guilt for not seeing how badly he felt (no job, mom and sis were horrible, kicked out of school for relapsing, divorce, etc).

At one time we were best friends, and I have an ache in my throat as I type this, just thinking about how alone and depressed he must have been feeling, to take his own life. I hate that the boy I married is gone, forever. I hate that I'm stuck dealing with the kids emotions and having to stuff my own feelings of guilt. I'm so ANGRY and BEYOND sad that he is gone. I never stopped caring about him, I always worried about him but I had to put the kids first. Our divorce became final January of this year.

When we drove up for the service, I found out his mother was telling everyone I killed him, and his sister drove to his apartment the day after we buried him and took everything out of his apartment, even the toys my kids left there to play with. Today is Mother's Day, and for some reason I'm super emotional today. Probably because every Mother's Day he would bring me breakfast in bed, I just realized that. It was always the same, an omlet and coffee.

I miss him so much, I never realized how good it felt just knowing he was there. I was so ****** at him the last time I saw him, because he wasn't paying any child support. He came to the house to drop the kids back off and I wouldn't let him in the house. I just took their stuff and he left. He had a huge smile on his face, as if to say, "can't we just be friends anyway?" I will never forgive myself for that. I miss him and I wonder where he is now. I hope he's at peace but my faith tells me that suicide is a sin against God. He was so depressed and lonely, I find myself praying to God to make an exception for him. Has anyone out there gone through this? Please give me some answers!

Last edited by iyinc; 05-08-2011 at 09:02 PM.

 
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:48 AM   #2
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Re: My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

So sorry for your loss you still cared alot for him and you did right for putting your children first. What a sad time for all you guys. What did he do to end his life? and did he leave a note to say why?

Hugs
x

 
Old 05-09-2011, 02:59 PM   #3
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Re: My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

iyinc,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel guilty, but there really wasn't anything you could have done. You tried, many times, to help him, but he needed to help himself. He was unable to do that because of the damage done to his psychological health by his family and other circumstances, I imagine. When someone is mentally ill, which is what addiction is, and takes their own life, I think God understands the suffering and that it wasn't done in malice against Him and they are forgiven. You will see him again one day...a whole person, without the troubles and addictions that so plagued him on this earth. Be at peace knowing that he is no longer suffering. Be sure to get some grief counseling for you and the kids. Be sure they understand that "Daddy" was sick and that's why he's gone. Don't let his family destroy your kids too. I would do my best to avoid them and never let the kids be alone with them. I wish you well

 
Old 05-09-2011, 03:50 PM   #4
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Re: My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

iyinc,

My heart goes out to you, your words clearly shared the depth of your emotion. I only hope our words will take a bit of your pain away, and I speak from the bottom of my heart.

It was his disease you hated, and it was his disease that took him out of his pain. I just lost a dear and talented man to alcohol, and we have to remember the disease takes the mind and the body. His soul is free now, and it is his soul that you love. Please do no blame yourself for his death.

He died of the disease called alcoholism. It is just as much a disease of cancer, diabetes, heart disease...and it is fatal. The manner in which he chose to end his life were his own. That decision was his own.

I wish there were something more I could say or do for you. I will promise you that I will be here for you, as i am here everyday...to respond to your posts. This is a good place for you to get support from very caring and supportive people who regularly devote their time to comfort others like yourself. I am sure you will receive many responses, with all of us trying to find the words in which to convey their sorrow and empathy for you.

I can put myself into your shoes very easily. We all have something to learn from your story.

I encourage you to seek help from a professional in grief counseling, with your children, in time. For now, I would hold your children close to you, and make sure you let them know that you are all in this together, you will overcome this tragedy together. That is exactly what this is, a human tragedy. It is not anyone's fault, it is the process of a disease.

For now, I will sign off, but I will be following this story and watching for your responses. I know that the process of writing can be very freeing, and I hope you find a bit of that freedom from putting all you feelings out, where you can be assured that no one will judge you, or hurt you. We are so sorry for the reason that you are here, but am happy for that fact that you have chosen us to help you in your time of need. I only hope we can help.

Hugs and love to you and your children
janet

 
Old 05-10-2011, 09:34 PM   #5
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Re: My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

I am just checking back to see how you are, please let us know how you are doing...I hope each day gets easier for you.

 
Old 05-10-2011, 11:46 PM   #6
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Re: My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

Sorry for your loss. Your husband had a disease. It wasn't your fault, and you do need to protect your children. I have a brother who is two years older than me, he also suffers from this disease. It has been hard on our entire family. My choice has been to stop talking to him, and stop letting him hurt me or my children. You did all the things you could to help him. Please seek greif counciling for yourself and your children. Together you can heal from this. Be open and honest with your children. And though you have to be strong for them, it's alright to let them know your hurting as well. God bless you and your children.

 
Old 05-12-2011, 04:32 PM   #7
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Re: My ex-husband killed himself 3 weeks ago, I need HELP!

I too, hope that each day gets better. It is good to have good people around you , and talk about your feelings with someone who will listen .



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