The pain is still so deep. I don't know how I can feel so much pain and sadness, yet feel numb at the same time. My father had a rare long disease (Interstitial lung disease) he never smoked and was hiking mountains into his late 70s and walked daily until a week before he passed. I think what is hardest for my mother and I is that it was so sudden. My mom had to call an ambulance during the early morning hours, he was taken to the hospital, admited to the pulmonary ICU unit and passed two days later. The day he died, he knew he was dying and told my mom and I and I was able to get my kids to the hospital (my husband brought them) and my brother and his wife came. We were able to say a proper goodbye and had an opportunity to each tell him how much we love him and how grateful we were for him. The Chaplain also said a prayer, which was nice.
The thing that gets me now is the emotional part. I miss him so much and it causing me to be a bit emotionally distant from my husband and kids. It isn't intentional, it just feels like that and I know they feel it. I can't remember the last time I really laughed with them. I just feel like I'm going through the motions - like part of me is missing.
To top it off my mom just found a radiologist report from November that showed the severity of the disease. He kept it a secret from us - it was like he was trying to protect us (which is the kind of person he was - never complained) and he just went on with his life like normal. I would ask to go with him to his appointments with his Pulmonary specialist, but he told me it was unnecessary. I just feel like we all leaned on him for so long, why didn't he lean on us and allow us to support him? I feel so sad that I didn't know how far his disease had progressed. I was feeling very uneasy about it - especially once he went on oxygen in June, but he didn't seem to want to worry me. Now, looking back there were so many signs. I feel so guilty - like I should have pushed harder to at least let him know I was there for him.
No one should go through the fear of dying by themselves and that first radiologist report showed how dire his condition was.
I just don't know how I will ever resolve myself with any of this. I miss him so much and I know he wouldn't want me feeling so guilty and dwelling, but I can't help it. I also know he wouldn't want it to affect my own family - which it is (because they are going through their own mourning and loss - they were all so close to him) and I know I seem distance and it doesn't help them.
Any thoughts? I'm not sure how to reach resolution with this.
