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Old 01-27-2012, 04:25 PM   #1
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theartist66 HB User
Miss my Hubby

I've never been one to air my problems online but I felt that maybe just sharing this might possibly ease my pain.

I am a gay man. My boyfriend was a married man who had been separated from his wife for a long period of time. He was a very hard and private man, but soon after we began dating I found him to be the most caring and tender person I had ever known. He was 20 years my senior but the age difference had no bearing on our relationship. We were equals. He was mine and I was his. His family was in Europe while he lived and worked here in Canada.

I lost him in October after a lengthy illness. Its been the hardest thing I've had to go through. We lived together for 10 years. He was not well due to a bad liver. He almost died on me once in 2009 but he recovered. Later that year he headed back to Europe to be with his son who was going through some bad mental issues. He came back to me in 2010 for 3 month stint but left again due to more complications with his son. We were in constant contact by phone every two weeks. He was getting set to come back to me in 2011 after his doctor's appt., but sadly he did not overcome his illness. I received a phone call from his ex-wife who told me he had expired in October 2011. I was so distraught and alone as we were both closeted. His family knew we had a special friendship, but we had never come out to anyone. I had 2 very close friends I was able to confide in and they were of great help to me, but it hurt so much that for the most part, that I had to go through my grief alone, mainly due to the fact that I'm not strong enough to show to my loved ones, who I really am. I cried daily in private, thinking there would never be a replacement for this wonderful man. I thought of him all the time, just wishing for a chance to communicate with him, either in my dreams or from a vision but sadly no connection came. Christmas time came and I was able to focus on being with my family. I thought I was getting better. Now I find myself feeling the hurt just as much if not more than when he first passed away. When I first received the news of his passing, I began a daily journal sharing whatever thoughts I had but finally stopped in December. I think I need to start my journal again just so he knows that he is in my heart and will forever be in my heart. He was my first and only love.

I just wanted to share this little story in hopes that maybe I could help someone with my thoughts and to know that one thing in life connect us all, and this is the fact that we will meet again with our loved ones. I truly believe that. In the meantime I will cry and try to heal some more.

Thanks for listening
Brian

 
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Old 01-30-2012, 12:51 PM   #2
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Re: Miss my Hubby

Brian, I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for your loss. Keep journaling,
and keep reaching out.

blessings, Sue

 
Old 01-30-2012, 08:11 PM   #3
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Re: Miss my Hubby

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how hard it is to be in the closet, it sucks doesn't it. Maybe, the best way to honor his memory and your's of him would be to come out? I know it is so scary but maybe it is time? Start writing again, and talking to a professional might help.

Again I am sorry for your loss.

All the best.

 
Old 02-16-2012, 01:07 PM   #4
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Dohna HB User
Re: Miss my Hubby

Quote:
Originally Posted by theartist66 View Post
I've never been one to air my problems online but I felt that maybe just sharing this might possibly ease my pain.

I am a gay man. My boyfriend was a married man who had been separated from his wife for a long period of time. He was a very hard and private man, but soon after we began dating I found him to be the most caring and tender person I had ever known. He was 20 years my senior but the age difference had no bearing on our relationship. We were equals. He was mine and I was his. His family was in Europe while he lived and worked here in Canada.

I lost him in October after a lengthy illness. Its been the hardest thing I've had to go through. We lived together for 10 years. He was not well due to a bad liver. He almost died on me once in 2009 but he recovered. Later that year he headed back to Europe to be with his son who was going through some bad mental issues. He came back to me in 2010 for 3 month stint but left again due to more complications with his son. We were in constant contact by phone every two weeks. He was getting set to come back to me in 2011 after his doctor's appt., but sadly he did not overcome his illness. I received a phone call from his ex-wife who told me he had expired in October 2011. I was so distraught and alone as we were both closeted. His family knew we had a special friendship, but we had never come out to anyone. I had 2 very close friends I was able to confide in and they were of great help to me, but it hurt so much that for the most part, that I had to go through my grief alone, mainly due to the fact that I'm not strong enough to show to my loved ones, who I really am. I cried daily in private, thinking there would never be a replacement for this wonderful man. I thought of him all the time, just wishing for a chance to communicate with him, either in my dreams or from a vision but sadly no connection came. Christmas time came and I was able to focus on being with my family. I thought I was getting better. Now I find myself feeling the hurt just as much if not more than when he first passed away. When I first received the news of his passing, I began a daily journal sharing whatever thoughts I had but finally stopped in December. I think I need to start my journal again just so he knows that he is in my heart and will forever be in my heart. He was my first and only love.

I just wanted to share this little story in hopes that maybe I could help someone with my thoughts and to know that one thing in life connect us all, and this is the fact that we will meet again with our loved ones. I truly believe that. In the meantime I will cry and try to heal some more.

Thanks for listening
Brian

 
Old 02-16-2012, 01:20 PM   #5
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Re: Miss my Hubby

Hi Brian,

I just read how you were feeling and I wanted you to know you are not alone. I too lost my sweetheart two yrs ago. I thought I was the only one who was thinking about how i wish my sweetheart could talk to me in my dreams and or give me a sign, although I have not had any dreams that I recall since his passing until about a year or so ago. I thought that was weird because I thought about him every minute of the day everyday and then after a year I had a couple dreams and I remember one where he came to me in my dream and said I love you. That was all I could remember, I was so happy,I knew he was ok and happy. I have had some signs that made my day. It's strange because I would hurt so bad missing him and as time passed I would start to feel alittle better then I would start feeling really sad,depressed and hurting inside like it was yesterday. I quess that is part of the greiving process I'm not sure. I still think of my Scott every minute of the day. I think I always will. Hang in there and whenever you are feeling blue please talk with us on this site. We have to try and move forward and take one day at a time. Try to be around good family and friends,keep busy. This is what I'am doing to stay sane. Hope to hear back from you. Take care we are here for you.

Dohna

 
Old 02-17-2012, 12:58 AM   #6
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Re: Miss my Hubby

Quote:
Originally Posted by theartist66 View Post
When I first received the news of his passing, I began a daily journal sharing whatever thoughts I had but finally stopped in December. I think I need to start my journal again just so he knows that he is in my heart and will forever be in my heart. He was my first and only love.
Hello Brian,

If there is an afterlife(which I believe exists)then he is still aware of your feelings.More often than not,we tend to lose a loved one and either wish we told them we loved them more or a similar endearment.

He's aware of your suffering and as he has transcended to another place,I believe he would want you to know that all will be right with him and that you need to take care of yourself.

Out of sight(under these circumstances)doesn't equate to out of mind.

If you do begin your journal again,please remember to do it for you,in his memory....i'm almost sure he would've wanted it that way.

With the utmost respect
Phoenix
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Old 05-17-2012, 11:59 AM   #7
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Re: Miss my Hubby

The other day, when the phone rang, I assumed it was my husband telling me he would pick me up from work, instead it was the police who subsequently came to my work place to tel me my husband's hearthad stopped, and that he had died. I was with my husband for over 40 years, and my heart is breaking with this loss. my daughter and I are completely distraught, and for the first time in my life, I am alone. He had no assets nor life insurance, and i am scared. but, more than that is the intense, overbearing grield i feel over his untimely death, where i never got to say goodbye, or sorry for things i did. i know time will help, but my anxiety is through the roof, and i miss him terriby. any ideas on how to cope?

 
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