Thank you for the thoughtful response. I have been thinking about your words since reading them the other night. You brought me back to some reality when I was losing it. This phrase is what I especially found helpful:
Allow yourself to experience the good,with the bad...
That was the reminder to me that I had lost the balance. I have some great memories of my cousin. They are good and worth thinking about. The bad... the estrangement between father and son.... well, I don't own it at all. It was between them, I don't know the whys of it, and maybe it was necessary.
Balance. That is what I had lost sight of in this.
The images of my cousin dead in the house for two weeks... well, I have thought and focused on that to try and figure out why it has been so hurtful to me. I think, in the end, I felt hurt for him that that was how his life ended and he just lay there. But the truth is, he lay there dead. He was beyond knowing or caring about the days that passed during this time. He had moved on at the moment of his death. I believe that through faith and know that my cousin has long believed that to be a truth also.
Oh, I am still sad, very sad, about his passing but have learned in the past years how to grieve and acknowledge grief. I know the grieving is not over yet. However, the anger has passed. I can let the anger go, I think, because it is really not mine to be angry about. I let it out, I have faced it, now understand more about it and can let go.
You have been a great help, my friend. It's like you blew some kindness into the midst of my turmoil. Funny, I wrote that post impulsively and once I had hit that "submit" button, I really questioned why I had let loose and felt kind of dumb about the whole thing. Today, I see it was a good thing.
Thanks for the kindness