This isn't a subject that I talk about too often but I am at the point of seeking advice because I don't want to feel cold hearted.
My Father passed away on June 16, 2011. This was one day after my mother and his 30th anniversary and 12 days before my birthday. I am 22 years old and I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did at his memorial service. However, since then, I haven't cried as much as I would think a normal person would. I love my dad sincerely, don't doubt that, he was the one that taught me how to drive a 5 speed, play a guitar, and overall was just the wisest man I knew. Now he's gone. He had Malignant Melanoma that hit him in November 2010 and took his life by June.
I watched him go through the worst pain he has ever gone through and I used to sit there and watch him sleep thinking he would pass away at any moment. Now, my parents lived in KY while I am located in NC. (about a four and a half hour drive) I was leaving work constantly just so I could go spend the night and spend time with them. I did this about twice a week from April until that day. I sat with my dad numerous times and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him as my father, but I feel, still, like there wasn't enough said. When they came to visit in late November 2010 he told me and my brother that all he wanted from his two boys was to see them marry good women and he wanted a grandchild. Well, my brother was engaged to his long time girlfriend about a month after him saying this, and me and my wife found out we were pregnant in January.
I don't know why I'm even telling this story because I lack encouragement to even speak about it.
I just wish there was more that I could do. I still talk to him while I'm driving to and from work (40 min drive one way), I listen to Johnny Cash songs and think about him sitting next to me singing along with me, I just still have this lingering feeling that he's going to walk through my door and hug me and kiss his first grandchild.
We wound up having a perfectly healthy baby girl and passed along the middle name which me and my father already shared.
Like I said in the beginning of this, I just feel like I should be more sad than I am. I mean, I'm relieved to know that he is away from the suffering that he was in, but I just don't know how to convince my inner self that he's not coming back. I'm only 22 and I have an entire lifetime ahead of me that he won't be there for. My brother is 26. My dad was 58. This just really sucks and honestly I don't know how to cope with these things and convince myself that this is a reality and he's really not coming back. I know I will see him again after I pass, but that just seems so far away.
I also don't know how to talk to my mother about these things. I mean, she was with him for 30 years and now lives in the apartment below mine. We talk about daddy all the time and mention "well, dad loved this..." or "this was daddy's favorite meal..." etc. But I just don't think that reality has ran it's course yet. I'm afraid of allowing it to honestly. I don't want that hurt riding on my shoulders right now. With so much going on right now i.e baby, planning a wedding, being involved with a church worship team, working almost 50 hours a week on top of all of that!? I don't know how to do it.
Also, please don't think that there is a lack of love for my father. I love him dearly and always will. He was the perfect parent in my eyes. He was always there for me when I needed him and never left me in my times of need.
I think it sounds like you are going through the normal grieving process. You don't have to cry to grieve. Your father hasn't even been gone a year yet. Give yourself and your Mom time. I think it's great that you "talk" with your Dad and honor him by listening to music he loved. It's all part of dealing with a loss of a loved one. He's watching over you and sees what is happening with his family. I agree that you will see him and all of those that precede us and in the meantime get on with your life and make him proud.
I'm so sorry for your loss and know a little of how you feel. My mom died when I was 12 years old so you had your dad a little longer than I had my wonderful mom. I think if you could find the time to go to a grief support group and talk this out with others who know what it is like to have lost someone special. It takes a lot of steps to go through grief and everyone is so different. You have a beautiful daughter and you can share your dad and pictures of him with her one day. You need healing and hope to carry on for your dad and your family. I wish you the very best. Sometimes being too busy delays the grieving process.
I think you are very compassionate and brave to share your loss with this forum. We understand and feel for your loss. Some people don't want to talk about death and dying but it is a reality. You did the best you could while he was alive and that is all one can do for a loved one. You don't have to cry and carry on each day. Sometimes you may cry when watching a movie, which I tend to do but my mom has been gone for over 40 years and I still miss her and wish she was here with me. You are alright. There is no right or wrong why to express our feelings, they just are and sometimes they are up and sometimes they are down. Your mom will deal with her loss in a different way. Some people like my family never spoke about my mom after she died and I felt guilty mentioning to anyone about her. I still talk to her. Find a group you can share your good and sad feelings with if you can. God bless.
The following user gives a hug of support to renko: slenderella (03-03-2012)