so my mum was a strong, brave, happy woman and when i think about it i just can't figure out how she, of all people, got herself to do it. she had very traditional views; she never went to work and cared so much for her children and she was the type of person who would never do something which may harm or hurt her children, which is why this whole things strikes me so bad. i keep telling myself that something must have been seriously wrong with her, which led her to killing herself, maybe she was depressed or something, but see, my mum didn't believe in depression. she just gets on with things and wouldn't kill herself over small things.
the afternoon/evening before she died (i was 10), she had a massive row with my uncle (her brother). to be honest i don't remember it much, but even before that they used to row a lot. that night it was like walking on ice. obviously when my mum was angry, none of would dare to do something silly and it was one of those days, but it wasn't only anger, from what i remember she was also upset.
the following day everything was as usual. she saw him off to work, saw us off to school. it's odd, but that day, me and my sisters decided to go to the library after school. when we got home it was about half past 5 and only my little brother(aged 2) was at home. we asked him where mum was and he said he didn't know. all we knew that she picked him after school. my parents' bedroom was locked (we always lock master bedrooms when no one's at home), and we'd assumed that she went out. shortly afterwards my dad came home from work and he was downstairs, talking to my brother and my sisters and i were upstairs.
i remember i was just walking into the bathroom, (it was right next to the bedroom) and i was about to shut the door when i heard my dad cried out loud god's name from the bedroom which he had unlocked. i found out later that my little brother had given it to him, even though he told us he didn't have it (another slightly odd thing). i remember at that moment, i was like "he's crazy" but then at the same time i was kinda scared. my dad hardly ever screamed like that. now thinking back, he actually sounded truly hurt. my sisters ran to my dad, so i did the same. when i went in... well my mum was hanging off the fan. her face was plastered in my mind for the past few years but now it's starting to fade...but i remember...the shawl she had used to hang had really suffocated her. her tongue was sticking out of her mouth and her eyes were wide open. it was as though something had cut her midst doing something and she was shocked herself. my dad soon got her off and i just remember her being on the bed. her body was stiff. my sisters were all crying, but me, i couldn't cry. i don't know what is wrong with me, but i remember forcing myself to cry and now i can't believe i did that. my mum had just died and i wasn't even that sad about it! how could i not be?
so then my older sister called 999 and then there were paramedics around and for some reason i clearly remember them coming downstairs (we weren't allowed in the bedroom) and saying, "she passed away". i guess i knew that anyway but maybe i just had some hope in me. soon there were relatives around and all sorts. everyone was trying to comfort us but i wasn't even sad. i enjoyed that people always came around and i doubt i ever shed a tear. that night also i remember when the paramedics allowed people to go see my mum a few people at a time, my dad told me to go upstairs. but you know what? i didn't. i did not want to, it's not because i was sad or anything i just didn't care i guess, and now i regret it. so much.
the next day i woke up quietly as people were staying over, got into my uniform and was literally about to leave to go school when my uncle stopped me. i remember playing ball with my cousin, playing skipping with my other cousins, hanging out in my front garden, going to corner shops and stuff with my relatives who had come from abroad.
and then came the funeral. even on that day i hardly cared. i remember my mum's sisters and parents crying as well as all these other relatives who i didn't even know. i remember seeing my mum. and i hate to say this, but i remember thinking she looked horrible. i'm such a horrible, ungrateful child. she looked all shrivelled up but at the same time bloated (we had to postpone the funeral by a week or something because my grandparents took long to come from oversees). and that was the last time i ever saw my mum.
i used to sometimes dream that my mum hadn't actually died; that in fact she just got a divorce and that i do get to see her again. but then i woke up and was like "oh". i hated telling people that she was dead, i'd even lie and cover, so people don't pity me. and i know that that is pathetic, but i still do it. now i'm 16 and i've learned to admit that she's dead, but i can't say that she committed suicide. when people ask me how she died i just say she was ill and when they ask what do i mean ill, i say i don't know.
i've learned to move on and get over it when i feel really sad, but there's just that one question bugging me which always stops me from putting my mind to rest. why did she do it? surely it wasn't the fight with my uncle because they'd rowed tons of times before that and she'd never resorted to suicide. did she not think about my dad? about my sisters and brother, who was two when she died? about me? did she really not care about us? did she just think that my dad would take care of us and that's it, easy?
anyway, since i hadn't told anyone my mum committed suicide, and quite frankly i don't think it'd make a difference if i do, i just thought i'd write it all down. i justed wanted a little rant, and sorry that this is kinda long, but i've got it all down now.
The Following User Says Thank You to tana1995 For This Useful Post: sarah373 (09-17-2012)
I am very sorry for your loss and I know it is the most difficult pain, but I do feel that you are a strong person which is great. More likely, something was bothering your mom constantly in her life, but she did not say it to you guys. One day she decided to end that problem by commiting suecide. You should be positive and move on in your life. Everything that happened is over. You have a long way to go so don't let these negative thoughts effect your life.
I feel your pain. Even when you say you couldn't cry and you blame yourself for this, you were full of pain and disbelieve... Hard to expect something like this may happen to your loved one, even for adult, but for a child whose mom choose such a horrible way to leave this world is just beyond imagination. I probably would have same reaction and tears would come later... Everyone is different. You don't blame yourself ever, this is not your fault, this is not something you choose to go through. Your mom did.
Why? Sweetie, adult world has a lot of ups and downs, not easy. Some people stronger than others, they can go through hardships with a smile and some people can't go... I personally dont think this has something to do with your uncle, I think your dad may open your eyes on this situation later in life, he maybe afraid you are too young to understand. But when you grow older, you ask him questions and hopefully he will cover all the answers for you. In order for you to go on and not to feel guilty and wondering WHY? you must get all answers.
I knew a teacher in our school who was so loved by all students; one day she didn't come to work and we heard she took her own life. She had wonderful life, she had so much to live for and all of a sudden this... And only b/c she found out that she had 4th stage ovarian cancer. See, most people would try to fight it, but she couldn't and preferred to go this way instead of prolonging her misery.
You mentioned that you had a good mom, she would never hurt her kids. What surprised me is the fact that your 2 years old brother was left alone while she was in her bedroom. Kind of strange for a mom to do that. I understand your curiosity - who wouldn't want to know details? Someone in your family must know the truth and I am sure one day you will know it all. Your mom could tell you she doesn't believe in depression, but this doesn't mean she didn't have it.
Many people, even severely depressed, don't want to go on medication, they in denial about their health issues. Personally, take it from a person who is involved in medicine, I do believe that your mom could suffer from depression; most suicidal patients have some type of mental/psychological issues.
Just know that every experience in life make us stronger; unfortunately you had to go through such a scary and tragic event too early. But I am pretty sure you are a strong person and can be a great support for your siblings and even dad. Just please, don't blame yourself for being a bad or ungrateful child. We all deal with grieve differently and if you don't cry, doesn't mean you don't suffer inside your little soul...
I am so sorry for such a terrible loss and especially about the many feelings and confusion that comes with having a suicide happen to a parent. I have also had a loss like that and all I felt was anger toward this person. This was not a parent but a dear friend. I think suicides are sometimes an act of momentary desperation and not something that had been planned for a long time. My friend who commited suicide was very ill with depression. He had planned his end for a long time. I have had to come to terms with his solution to the pain he suffered.
Your Mum, sounds like she had a huge argument with your uncle, became so enraged, she probably wanted to hurt him deeply. If she just could have waited until the next day.... her anger may have subsided enough to forget suicide as a way to get back at your uncle. I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. It is something that never can go away because it is what it is. Your mum loved her children but sadly, had a terrible argument and went through with what she thought was a solution to make your uncle pay. May God bless you.... this is a huge burden for any person but especially one so young.
Being a person who has walked on the wild side,if you will,maybe I can shed some light on a most terrible tragedy.
People will try to do for others,day in and out and there comes a time where the psyche questions life-altering questions.A person analyzes how they were raised and if it had any impact on the way their children were raised.
It goes deeper than that and if you would like to know more,please pm me,as a few of my metaphorical bandages seem to need tending to.
I'm sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you hold some type of resentment. Maybe you're upset with her for taking her life. The way you talk about it, how she left everyone behind, makes me think you're angry at her for not thinking of you guys and what she would cause when she ended her life. It's natural to feel that way and it's only been 6 years. I think at 10 years old it's a little difficult to actually wonder why someone dies, let alone why someone takes their own life. You may have not understand what suicide meant exactly. But being that you're 16 now, it's all hitting you and you're just wondering what would make someone who loved life and cared about her family so much, actually want to kill herself. But keep in mind, just because she committed suicide doesn't mean she wanted to. It could've been a rash decision at the last minute. Not thinking straight and so upset about something that she didn't see a way out nor did she even care at that moment. Or it could've been planned because maybe she was suffering from something and chose to keep it from you guys because she didn't want to upset you all. She probably knew you guys looked up to her and saw her as a strong and brave woman and she didn't want to let you guys down so instead of talking about her feelings, she just let herself go. Anything is possible when it comes to suicide and the thing that sucks is we can never ask them why. I think in time as you get older you will understand it better and maybe even come to better terms with her death. God bless you and your family.
What ever the reason of this tragedy, you are talking to someone, you are reaching out...What I do when I have confusion or lack of understanding, I ask God to show me, (in prayer), just talking like you do with anyone else, God will hear your prayer...Whether you believe in God or not, just try it...Just make sure when you talk to God in your own way, know that he created us and that sometimes we don't get answers immediately...We sometimes have to wait awhile for answers...God might put someone in your life today, tomorrow, many years from now...But if you seek the Lord with your heart, he will open the flood gates with answers for your mind and heart...Since God knows our hearts, he has perfect timing and when he thinks it's time for your questions to be answered, BOOOOOOM, before your eyes, there will be alot of relief...What you must first know, your Mum had great dispair, she had no were else to go, consequently the result was tragic...In life we all must understand it is very hard to live a good life, and do all the tasks of raising a family, supplying food, water, shelter, home, very stressful...You need to just be a growing person, without this kinda thing on your mind...when you say the (Our Father), one part states that we should, (forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us), what that means is that you might want to forgive your mother, if you need to...It's a relief valve for you and your mother...As it says in scripture, (what is bound on earth, it's bound in heaven), its a way of letting your mom know through God that you have forgiven her for leaving you too soon, and that she can move on in her heavenly realm...Can be at peace with our living GOD....your mother though it was very tragic of her death, is at peace and you should be too...your mom wouldn't want you to dwell on this subject...What I always say when I have a trial in my life...I sit there, maybe in a chair and ask God what it is he wants me to learn...In God's time he shows me, whether it be a friend, neighbor, someone at work...something will happen and your heart will feel peace...a peace that I can't explain..only God can heal your broken heart...we live in a society of political correctness, meaning people are afraid to say some things because it's not the norm...I am not that way...just to let you know, I am married, have a beautiful wife of 26 years, have three grown kids and I am expecting next month my second grandson...I am there for ya...my prayers are shooting your way for a very, very successful life of love, forgiveness, and faithful ness to God first and family...God Bless