It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Death & Dying Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-23-2012, 02:23 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Posts: 5
Knytt HB User
Not as I imagined it

Hello, all. I've been coming here for a little while now, but I've only just now created an account. To give a small background, I'm in my mid twenties and I don't have a particularly large amount of time left. (Several months, perhaps.) The "why" isn't important, I don't think -- not anymore. I've had medical care on this issue, and there aren't any more options. I think that surprisingly few things continue to matter when you receive the news.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm talking on these boards. I think I might want advice. See, I haven't... really... exactly... told very many people, despite knowing for some time myself. My co workers don't know, because, well, I work many hours there and perform nearly every important task there myself. I find myself feeling upset when I think about suddenly leaving a pile of work for everybody else to perform. I've told my roommate, under the express condition that he stops trying to do nice things for me. I've never enjoyed being waited on, not even when I was very young. Very, very few other people are aware of this, though.

Now here's the big one that's leaving me a writhing pile of guilt. I haven't told my parents. I think that under normal conditions, I could. By "normal conditions," what I mean is that my mother is dying of cancer. I can't bring myself to put this on my father while he already has so much going on. I know, intellectually, that he needs to know. But emotionally, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure how he'll react. He's the type who enjoys putting on a tough exterior, but I know that when my mother isn't around these days, he's a complete wreck.

I'm sorry for the long-winded thread. I suppose I was tired of keeping everything basically to myself. I don't believe in God or any type of higher power, so I'm not looking at my remaining time as a beginning, but as a definitive end. This leaves me wanting to reach out to people a little bit more. I'm hoping that the more anonymous nature of talking about this online will help me make some decisions in the near future (as I'm not very good at taking advice from others in person).

Well, sorry again for the long thread, thanks for your time, and I must say that from what I've seen, this is a very friendly and helpful community.

 
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Knytt
859006057 (06-03-2012), Phoenix (05-24-2012)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-23-2012, 02:33 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Chester, VA
Posts: 1,755
noevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB Usernoevr HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

so sorry this is happening. I can't type much just had shoulder surgery but didn't want to read and not answer. Is there someone else in the family your father can lean one once you tell him or tell them together (besides mom of course). I would definitely try to spend as much time w/ him as I could, I think he would appreciate that. wish I could type more. cj

 
Old 05-23-2012, 02:43 PM   #3
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Posts: 5
Knytt HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Well I certainly don't want you typing a lot if you've had shoulder surgery! Thank you for your well wishes, though. And to answer your question, yes, I have a brother, who is quite well. I'm sure that your advice is completely right in every way -- it's just difficult. I don't really like being the bearer of bad news, and, well, news doesn't really get any worse than this for most people. But I know that you're right. Thank you very much for your advice! (And don't feel bad about not typing much!)

 
Old 05-24-2012, 03:49 AM   #4
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,862
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knytt View Post
I haven't told my parents. I think that under normal conditions, I could. By "normal conditions," what I mean is that my mother is dying of cancer. I can't bring myself to put this on my father while he already has so much going on. I know, intellectually, that he needs to know. But emotionally, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure how he'll react. He's the type who enjoys putting on a tough exterior, but I know that when my mother isn't around these days, he's a complete wreck.

.
Hello knytt,

I totally respect you for sharing this with us,as I know it couldn't be easy to do so.

I know your father is taking care of his wife(your mother) and the two of them would probably be distraught if they were privy to your condition.

Please imagine,if you will,not telling them and leaving them to grieve for you.
I can see them knowing that you probably did so to protect them but it doesn't change the fact that they would be one of the last to know.

I would seriously consider speaking to your father in confidence,away from your mother.

If your mother has a nurse,then may I suggest going on a drive together and once you reach the destination,sit down with him and explain the parameters.
Family is should to be there for one another in good as well as bad times.

If the shoe were on the other foot,do you think that your father would open up to you?
Would he be inclined to tell your mother,knowing her present condition?
=============
To be quite honest with you,there is no opportune time to tell them and keeping this bottled up may do more harm than good.

Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 05-24-2012, 04:07 AM   #5
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Posts: 5
Knytt HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

I suppose, horrible though it may sound, that I was hoping I'd outlive my mother so she wouldn't have to be told. I don't want that on her mind right now. A year ago, I would have said that my father would be strong enough to be able to handle this, but after the transformation I've seen him go through as a result of my mother's condition... I don't know. He's just barely keeping it together enough to handle everything on that front.

I think that, if the roles were reversed, he'd confide in me, and then in the same breath, make me promise not to tell my mother. (I'm assuming she's still dying in this alternate reality.)

I can't help but think that if flying cars, moon cities and cryogenic freezing were all perfected back in the fifties, this would be a non-issue right now. Of course, I'm also assuming that the week after I... how do I put this delicately... become a bloated corpse, the funeral precession will be hovering over the ground like a Star Wars movie.

You've probably picked up that I'm one of those people who deal with issues with sarcasm. All my life -- nothing new there. Thank you for your advice. I think I may drive out there and talk to my father the next time my mother is out of the house.

Or I could do it right now. I'm fueled by pure insomnia lately, and that doesn't even make sense. (I haven't slept in sixty hours, you see. Under other circumstances, this might bother me, but lately I just use it as an excuse to get more done.)

 
Old 05-24-2012, 04:24 AM   #6
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,862
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knytt View Post
I think that, if the roles were reversed, he'd confide in me, and then in the same breath, make me promise not to tell my mother. (I'm assuming she's still dying in this alternate reality.)


You've probably picked up that I'm one of those people who deal with issues with sarcasm. All my life -- nothing new there. Thank you for your advice. I think I may drive out there and talk to my father the next time my mother is out of the house.

Or I could do it right now. I'm fueled by pure insomnia lately, and that doesn't even make sense. (I haven't slept in sixty hours, you see.
Knytt,

What concerns me about your reply is that you state being awake for 60 hours.This places a strain on the psyche.
I am not sure if driving will be the best idea at this point in time.

Respectfully
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 05-24-2012, 04:36 AM   #7
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Posts: 5
Knytt HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Thank you for your concern -- but no, I have no intention of driving until I can get at least a FEW hours of sleep. This whole situation is oddly liberating. In the past, I may have had reservations about the possibility of, say, sleeping pills. Now I'll look at something like that and think to myself, "I can't possibly see how that matters anymore."

Please don't misconstrue. I'm not looking for dangerous situations to place myself in. There's really no point! And I'm certainly not staying awake this long on purpose; it's actually driving me quite mad. Though I suppose being driven mad is, at least, not dull.

Honestly, thank you for your concern. I'm not very good with acting serious about serious situations in front of others. I thought of a dozen ways to make that last sentence into a joke in the time it took me to type it. But, um... no driving, and no overdosing on medication, so nothing to worry about in THAT regard.

 
Old 05-24-2012, 04:43 AM   #8
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,885
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

I have just read through this thread, and I am very sorry that so much is piling up on you. Just a thought...have you thought that by telling your dad now, it gives you the opportunity to help him come to terms with the loss of both you and your mother. You sound as if you could be a huge support for your family. They are going o lose you, and that is awful. You have a real gift to give here. Let them support you and you can support them. When my brother died, it was gut- wrenching, but he came to acceptance and we talked and it gave me the strength to support him and made the grieving easier to bear. Sera

 
Old 05-24-2012, 05:02 AM   #9
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
Posts: 5
Knytt HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Seraph -- I'm sorry about your brother, that must've been difficult. The thought had occurred to me in regards to my father, but I've also had the thought that it may be too much for him to deal with. He's very good at hiding his emotions, especially around people who are "responsible" for his current mood. I'd constantly worry that even if he seemed fine, he'd secretly be collapsing from the inside out.

I know that he does this -- it's not an invention of my mind. But I do wonder if I'm over-exaggerating it in my head out of guilt. Yes, I said guilt. Nothing that's going on right now is my fault (minus not informing him), but I tend to always find a way to be the guilty party. I've got several types of diagnosed mental illnesses rolling around in my head for about ten years or so. This is off topic, but truth be told, my divorce last year has been overriding my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and tranquilizers.

Meaning I've thought of suicide quite a lot, but never acted on anything. Probably the reason why I haven't completely changed my life over any of this. (Ha ha, take THAT, mental instability. Looks like I won, after all.)

I'm trying to internalize the advice that you and Phoenix are giving me. It's difficult... both because it's a difficult situation, and because I'm just a wee bit sleep-deprived. But I do thank you for it, and believe me when I say that I'm thinking all of it over. Thank you.

 
Old 05-31-2012, 01:21 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Rochester, NY USA
Posts: 957
sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

As a mother of two twenty-something sons, I would rather know than to 'be protected.' I would want to share so much with you, stories, time. To be deprived of the opportunity to say goodbye would be more devastating than being told. The idea that you are thinking for others in this regard may seem kind, but you are also depriving yourself of some special moments with your parents. Your mother is in the same position you are in. Yet she probably had no choice in keeping it silent. It is your decision, but if you pass and your parents were never told, that would make the hurt worse. I wish I could give you a very heart-felt hug right now.
__________________
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to sawbuck44 For This Useful Post:
red65 (08-03-2012)
Old 05-31-2012, 01:38 PM   #11
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Youngstown, Ohio, USA
Posts: 6
Gardentherapy HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Knytt, As a parent who has lost both of her children (one would have been 30 and the other 32) I whole heartedly urge you to share with your father and brother your condition. I know you indicated that you don't want anyone to 'wait' on you, you sound very independent. You don't want to worry anyone however they are your family, they have shared your life with you and can be there to offer support and love now. I know no one gets out of this world alive but I'm not sure I would want to know ahead of time. It has to be so hard for you to deal with this, go to work and hold everything inside. I know you are not a religious person however I am and will keep you in my prayers. It's the only thing that has kept me going since my youngest passed at age 7.

 
Old 06-03-2012, 09:51 PM   #12
Junior Member
(male)
 
Inquisitive1too's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere In, MI USA
Posts: 27
Inquisitive1too HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

I believe a type of 'soul' exists beyond the body; perhaps in the form of something similar to an electromagnetic field, much like the information stored in the brain that is comprised of who you are and your memories in the shape of an indestructible electrical field.
(Hence the belief of an eternal existence beyond the flesh.)

It is for this very logical belief that I feel the death of your physical body won't be the death of 'You'. And assuming upon your passing you come to find out such an existence, uhh, exists... How might you expect you'd feel overlooking your still-in-flesh loved ones and seeing them more distraught from not knowing an not being able to prepare?
My guess is you'll be kicking yourself.

And just to leave this idea with you to float around your head:
All across this world exists people with currently unexplainable abilities to foresee that which has yet to come, to look back into that which has already happened and to even have access to information which was only shared between a flesh and non-flesh individual - all cases being knowledge/information in which they could not have possibly ascertained without the means of a currently unexplainable ability.

The Bottom Line?
Every last one of them (those who truly possess these abilities) state, unanimously, that there is an existence beyond the flesh... and a means to communicate between both existences.

I would hope, for your sake and your family's sake, that you consider these ideas because aside from the healing abilities such an understanding would possess... it also helps to keep a means of communication open (perhaps even beyond the flesh?).


As for you - I wish you the best and without a doubt hope that you miraculously make an unexpected or unexplained recovery.
I wish your family the best of health (including your mother).
And I wish your loved ones all the help they *may* need in the future if current events take a turn for the worse.
Grief can be overwhelming and that's a feeling I wish on no person.

I pray your situation takes a turn for the best - even if nobody can explain how or why.
Best of wishes to you and yours.
__________________
Balance and faith! Every negative thought must be balanced with an equally yet opposing positive thought. I pursue clarity and acceptance, equally with action, change and growth- respectively.

 
Old 06-04-2012, 12:58 AM   #13
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Wellington Florida
Posts: 18
Green1233 HB User
Re: Not as I imagined it

Wow. Heartfelt my prayers go out to you and your family. The news you must share with your parents is one that im sure no parent would wake up to wanting to hear. But you must tell them. You must put into considereation. Would you rather them wake up and find out that you passed away or be prepared for the worst. Just insure them that the time you had with them was well enjoyed. That you love them and you will see them in a better place. Im litterly crying after reading what you typed. I hope that you condition whatever it may be takes a turn for the best and you dont have to pass at such a young age.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Mom has lung cancer charles38 Death & Dying 6 06-09-2008 06:31 AM
I lost my father stasis4 Death & Dying 8 04-27-2008 12:23 PM
I can't sleep perfectsoul21 Death & Dying 2 03-20-2008 07:12 PM
Is This Normal?? Squelchie Death & Dying 5 05-14-2007 11:07 PM
Good book if you have a fatal disease michael178 Death & Dying 1 03-24-2007 11:58 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:51 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!