It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Death & Dying Message Board
Post New Thread   Reply Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-07-2012, 12:29 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sparta
Posts: 2
stillhurting HB User
How Long should I grieve?

It has been almost 3 years since the death of my husband. Some days I feel okay, others I feel like my world has come to an end and I don't want to go on. I think about my husband a lot and talk to him even though he is not here. I still carry pictures of my husband with me and keep his ashes on my dresser. I met a man and began dating him, at first he was very supportive and helped me through some of my issues but now he just tells me that I am not normal, claiming that I cant have pictures of my husband or that I shouldn't keep his ashes and that I just need to get over him.. Have I really lost my mind? How long should I grieve? Am I not normal?

 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2012, 05:52 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
slenderella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 1,002
slenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

You're normal. There is no set time limit, to grief. My suggestion to you is to dump the guy, and go see a grief therapist. I think you'll find it extremely helpful.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we can get "stuck" in our grief and need a professional to help. Don't delay.

blessings, Sue

 
Reply With Quote
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 06-13-2012, 04:08 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Chrissy26's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: new york
Posts: 237
Chrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB UserChrissy26 HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

He probably assumed you'd move on from your husband's death and just be with him all happy like nothing ever happened. Now he's not being as supportive because he simply can't handle the fact you're still in love with your husband and it seems as if this man finds your deceased husband a threat. I think you're better off without him since he can't STAY supportive.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve and definitely no set limit. If you still carry his pictures, that's fine. If you have his ashes, that's fine. The whole purpose of having someone cremated is to have their ashes. And you shared a life with him. You have every right to want to keep his pictures out around the house. If no one can understand that and accept that then there's no point in being with them. Basically you're keeping his memory alive and it's completely natural to miss him the way you do. You are most definitely normal.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2012, 05:05 PM   #4
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 25
carys2011 HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

Thank you for sharing. I think your behavior is incredibly normal and I hope he did not make you any way feel it is not. I was on this message board to post about a different health problem but saw your post and wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug.

I think I would do exactly what you are doing. My husband and I have been together since I was a teenager and I don't know how I would cope without him. 3 years still sounds like it could be too early for some to start dating.

Do you have a good support system?

 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-31-2012, 09:05 PM   #5
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 4
Gentle Breeze HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillhurting View Post
It has been almost 3 years since the death of my husband. Some days I feel okay, others I feel like my world has come to an end and I don't want to go on. I think about my husband a lot and talk to him even though he is not here. I still carry pictures of my husband with me and keep his ashes on my dresser. I met a man and began dating him, at first he was very supportive and helped me through some of my issues but now he just tells me that I am not normal, claiming that I cant have pictures of my husband or that I shouldn't keep his ashes and that I just need to get over him.. Have I really lost my mind? How long should I grieve? Am I not normal?
You have not lost your mind, you will grieve as long as you need to and you are very normal. For what it's worth I was 44 when my husband died. My love for him did not die with him....sometimes I wish it had...:-( I dated for four years but couldn't get over the loss. There are some of us who never remarry and there is nothing wrong with that. We all deal with grief differently and no one has the right to say "get over it". It has been many years for me and I still miss him, have photos of him in my home and talk about him with our children. As for the men I dated, I soon learned they were not what I needed and dumped them. Dumping can be done gently so I recommend that if you feel things are all wrong.
You have my deepest sympathy.

 
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Gentle Breeze For This Useful Post:
Rubidubi (09-06-2012)
Old 08-31-2012, 11:19 PM   #6
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Babylon NY Suffolk County
Posts: 20
jdny33 HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

No one can tell you how to feel. There is no wrong or right answer. You miss your husband. You take as long as you see fit. Do not let others tell you when your supposed to be done.

He must of been a great man!

 
Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2012, 10:03 PM   #7
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Melborne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1
BrianTD HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillhurting View Post
It has been almost 3 years since the death of my husband. Some days I feel okay, others I feel like my world has come to an end and I don't want to go on. I think about my husband a lot and talk to him even though he is not here. I still carry pictures of my husband with me and keep his ashes on my dresser. I met a man and began dating him, at first he was very supportive and helped me through some of my issues but now he just tells me that I am not normal, claiming that I cant have pictures of my husband or that I shouldn't keep his ashes and that I just need to get over him.. Have I really lost my mind? How long should I grieve? Am I not normal?
The maddening thing about grief is that its not linear...people talk about the "first"...the first birthday first Xmas first anniversary but you can gear yourself up and survive those very painful milestones and find that the "second" of all those is even more intense and then the third and (for me now after a 40yr monogamous soul-mate marriage) even the fourth is painful. I have found that a grieving heart plays cruel tricks....you yearn for intimacy and affection but when it comes to you you back away because it comes with such intense memories of the one you have lost ...this is hard on you of course but its very tough on a new partner, however sympathetic, because there are no right or wrong answers, no "normal" only the "new normal" that dawns with every new day.
It's very hard, maybe impossible , to empathise with anothers grief...I used to get quite impatient myself with a friend who I thought was being "self-indulgent" and should be "getting over it moving on" etc etc Its such a tough gig being in love with a ghost and I've got no idea how its going to turn out but forums like this at least should at leatst re-assure you that you're not mad, not abnormal, and not alone. My best wishes and thanks for sharing

 
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to BrianTD For This Useful Post:
Gentle Breeze (09-06-2012)
Old 12-25-2012, 10:01 PM   #8
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
beendeadfor7yrs HB User
Re: How Long should I grieve?

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillhurting View Post
It has been almost 3 years since the death of my husband. Some days I feel okay, others I feel like my world has come to an end and I don't want to go on. I think about my husband a lot and talk to him even though he is not here. I still carry pictures of my husband with me and keep his ashes on my dresser. I met a man and began dating him, at first he was very supportive and helped me through some of my issues but now he just tells me that I am not normal, claiming that I cant have pictures of my husband or that I shouldn't keep his ashes and that I just need to get over him.. Have I really lost my mind? How long should I grieve? Am I not normal?
Hi ,
first of all,thank you for sharing this on here.I,myself,have lost both my kids and my mom on the same day, eight years ago,and i STILL am grieving...There isnt a pre-determined length for this.Everyone is different,also i tend to believe the closest you were to the person,the more important(the longer) is the grief.Everyone's process is different.

Nobody is entitled to tell you what to do or how you should react.I have learned over the years that ''skipping'' some steps in the grief's process isnt a good move.I too have had people telling me ''life goes on'',''time to start thinking about myself'',etc... Someone told me only a few months after the drama that i should get rid of my kids's toys,that it was time for me to let go,and it would be a good step in the right direction...I was on so much drugs(medecine) i didn't think much of it and gave away the toys...I can say now it was quite a bad move to do and i still regret doing it.I feel like i got rid of a part of them at the same time ...At the funerals,my family made the arrangements without consulting me much.Keep in mind i was highly on medications hence the reason i couldnt do it myself.I wish someone would have asked me if i wanted to keep their ashes because i would still have them by now.

You are PERFECTLY normal.Take your time,there is no rush,follow your gut feeling.As for the new boyfriend,well,he should understand that your husband was a big part of your life,memories over the years don't just dissappear when the person dies.Also,he knew the ''deal''(your situation) since the start,if he cannot deal with it anymore,or if you feel as ''a burden'' to him,just leave him.You deserve someone who is caring,understanding,patient and that will accept you as you are.

Maybe(just maybe) you are just not ready yet to get into a new relationship.Maybe it is where you ''skipped'' a step in your grieving process...

make time,for time...

XX...

P.S. English isn't my first language,i apologize in advance if some parts might not make much sense.

 
Reply With Quote
Reply Reply




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (7), MSNik (5), slenderella (5), rosequartz (4), renko (4), Ivorygirl (3), rudiraven (3), beth468 (3), writeleft (3), EagleRiverDee (3)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1006), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:29 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!