I was ready to put up a fight...
I was all set to battle cancer. I am a strong woman. I have raised 3 beautiful children by myself. I have fought (and won) many health battles. So when a doctor tells me "there is no treatment to recommend" I don't know how to feel, or act. Giving up (or in) is not in my nature.
I am to believe that in this day and age, there is no surgery, medicine or treatment for the huge liposarcoma that thickens my middle, and has sent nodules to my lungs and is squeezing my kidneys. There has already been a "meeting" with my physician, two surgeons and onacologist.
I am a relatively healthy 54 year old woman, but I am starting to have difficulty walking, bending and lifting. I do not feel like I am dying. My family is all mixed up, and behaving strangely.
I have seen a lawyer to get my will and other papers in order. I have cleaned out my closets. I have sat down with each of my children, to choose any treasures of mine they wish to have.
I don't know what else to do. I am having trouble feeling. My husband is sweet & caring, but quiet and somber. My son hardly ever drops by anymore. My girls want to help with everything, and want to know how I am feeling.
How do I feel?
I really wish I knew.
I have not joined any "groups" at the cancer center yet. But I think I feel guilty because I am not in much pain & am not going through all the tortures that most of the terminal patients are.
I told my friend that I wish the surgeon would just try to chop this thing out of me - even if it would put me through all that pain and yet be unsuccessful. At least then, I could go down fighting.
She was not supportive. But there must be more in my shoes. I realize this cancer is rare, but there must be many dealing with similar circumstances. Is this how our elderly feel as their bodies deteriorate? I can tell you this. It is neither easy, or simple.