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Old 10-09-2012, 04:55 AM   #1
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Scared of losing a loved one

My Dad passed away in Aug after losing a 5-month battle to stroke barely 3 weeks after I got engaged. He first suffered a massive stroke in April that took away his ability to express (talk, write, type), to identify things (e.g. he would pick the remote control when we asked him to identify his watch), to swallow (he was fed through a nasal tube) and his ability to move his right limbs.

I was very close to Dad and he was really happy about my soon-to-come marriage, planning celebrations and making guest lists.

After the stroke, everything changed. I watched my Dad (my strength, my mentor) cry helplessly and get frustrated/ depressed. We nursed him back, by constantly being with him, caring for him, getting him daily physiotherapy sessions, talking to him, encouraging him to talk. His doctors told us that his recovery was amazing. He was able to say a few words, he could eat and swallow food and he had started walking and moving his right hand again.

All was going well till Dad suffered another stroke in Aug (massive bleeding in the brain). He slipped into coma and passed away 4 days later.

The most frustrating part about this was to watch a person you love so much deteriorate like this. He was a gregarious person who had lots of friends. He was into social work. He loved to joke with us. He always took us away for holidays. After he had the stroke, I have the most heart wrenching images of him in my head. Like when he managed a half smile (since his right side was affected). Or when he kept trying to tell me he was hungry and I couldn't understand till he got up, limped to the kitchen and picked a dry piece of bread. Or when he was hospitalized during his last few days, with so many tubes and bandages plastered to his face. I watched him pass away right in front of me.

And now, I obsess about keeping my family safe. I call my sister all the time. I worry about mom. I worry about my fiance (he lives in a different country presently). I freak out when they don't respond to my calls. I always fear the worst. I don't want to lose another loved one.

Can someone talk to me about this?

 
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:55 AM   #2
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Re: Scared of losing a loved one

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Originally Posted by wonderwalk View Post
My Dad passed away in Aug after losing a 5-month battle to stroke barely 3 weeks after I got engaged. He first suffered a massive stroke in April that took away his ability to express (talk, write, type), to identify things (e.g. he would pick the remote control when we asked him to identify his watch), to swallow (he was fed through a nasal tube) and his ability to move his right limbs.

I was very close to Dad and he was really happy about my soon-to-come marriage, planning celebrations and making guest lists.

After the stroke, everything changed. I watched my Dad (my strength, my mentor) cry helplessly and get frustrated/ depressed. We nursed him back, by constantly being with him, caring for him, getting him daily physiotherapy sessions, talking to him, encouraging him to talk. His doctors told us that his recovery was amazing. He was able to say a few words, he could eat and swallow food and he had started walking and moving his right hand again.

All was going well till Dad suffered another stroke in Aug (massive bleeding in the brain). He slipped into coma and passed away 4 days later.

The most frustrating part about this was to watch a person you love so much deteriorate like this. He was a gregarious person who had lots of friends. He was into social work. He loved to joke with us. He always took us away for holidays. After he had the stroke, I have the most heart wrenching images of him in my head. Like when he managed a half smile (since his right side was affected). Or when he kept trying to tell me he was hungry and I couldn't understand till he got up, limped to the kitchen and picked a dry piece of bread. Or when he was hospitalized during his last few days, with so many tubes and bandages plastered to his face. I watched him pass away right in front of me.

And now, I obsess about keeping my family safe. I call my sister all the time. I worry about mom. I worry about my fiance (he lives in a different country presently). I freak out when they don't respond to my calls. I always fear the worst. I don't want to lose another loved one.

Can someone talk to me about this?
i totally understand your pain and what you're going through. i lost my father when i was 27 and i guess you could say that i also lost myself. i developed panic disorder six months after my fathers death. we were very close even though i was his major challenge out of 4 daughters. years down the road, i lost several pets and since i had no children, they were my children. my mom finally talked me into moving to another city (where she lived) and in the 8 1/2 years that i lived there, i lost 2 uncles, my mother, my stepfather and 3 more pets and i took care of all but one of them since he had a wife. i have now moved back to my home town, hoping that i could bring back some kind of happiness in my life. i suppose i've become kind of numb to most things now. this is what i've learned...we can't control everything that happens in life. everyone dies at some point...bad things happen and we have no control over any of this. what we can control, is our own happiness, how good we want to live our lives and what we can do to help and teach others in our lifetime. please don't live your life always worrying about, "what ifs", because all of those "what ifs" will wear you down and affect your health. you can't cling on to family members because you want to let them live their lives to the fullest. be modest and check in with them, but let the chronic worry go. i know...easier said than done. your fears, are your fears and you can't let that interfere with your family living their lives and you can't let that interfere with you living your life. see if you can find information online about the "90/10 principle". also....an excellent book that helped me understand why things happen is called "a new earth" by eckhardt tolle. please don't think i'm being cold or harsh, what i'm trying to do is help you from being what i was for most of my life. i'm so sorry that you had to lose your father so young in life, like i did, but please, just remember yesterday, live for today and dream of tomorrow. try to think of the good memories with your dad when he was healthy, instead of focusing on all of the heartaches in the end. he is no longer suffering and i'm sure he's watching over you.

 
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:44 AM   #3
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Re: Scared of losing a loved one

Thanks, boobootwo.. I have read one of Eckhart's books 'The Power of Now'. Books do help me find solace (currently reading Conversations with God)... I know Dad is no longer suffering and I thank God for that. It killed me to watch him slip into coma. It was one of the worst things... not knowing whether he could understand me, hear me... I didn't know if he was in pain. I try to be practical about this and think hes not in pain anymore. But I just miss him so much. I think I am this scared because we were having a good time, with the marriage preps, when luck took a cruel and unexpected turn. You are right, I will not be able to cling onto my family forever. I just want to gradually get over with being obsessed like this...

 
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Old 10-25-2012, 06:36 AM   #4
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Re: Scared of losing a loved one

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Originally Posted by wonderwalk View Post
Thanks, boobootwo.. I have read one of Eckhart's books 'The Power of Now'. Books do help me find solace (currently reading Conversations with God)... I know Dad is no longer suffering and I thank God for that. It killed me to watch him slip into coma. It was one of the worst things... not knowing whether he could understand me, hear me... I didn't know if he was in pain. I try to be practical about this and think hes not in pain anymore. But I just miss him so much. I think I am this scared because we were having a good time, with the marriage preps, when luck took a cruel and unexpected turn. You are right, I will not be able to cling onto my family forever. I just want to gradu***y get over with being obsessed like this...
time heals pain. eventua l ly...it won't feel so much like pain anymore....just very fond and happy memories. you're stronger than you think you are and you do have angels...always remember that. don't be afraid to contact me anytime you want to chat...okay?

Last edited by boobootwo; 10-25-2012 at 06:40 AM. Reason: corrections

 
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