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Old 01-03-2004, 12:34 PM   #1
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wannabehotguy HB User
Narcissism may be the cause of depression.

Hi guys

I've been reading some books on narcissism and that seems to be the reason why a lot of people seem indifferent or even hostile towards me. There are a lot of answers in the books I've been reading. Here is a list: Verbal self Defense by Lilian Glass, Why is it always about you? and Trapped in the mirror.

Also I can be rather perfectionistic when I am under stress, I tend to be expecting most people to respond in the way I want them to. But some people tend to be indifferent, irate and bored with me most of the time with small interludes of peace and calmness. Believe me it is really annoying to be around people like that. The thing with my Dad is that he is a narcissist and their problems are so complex and putting it to memory is even harder for me. When I deal with him or people that are like him I have to remember all this stuff I read in the narcissism books. It is a lot to remember and the thing is the book advices that if the person is way to difficult to talk to even for an hour then the experts recommend to find yourself a second family or another best friend or UNcle or whoever. Meaning just be on the look out for people who are genuinly interested in you and are NOT narcissistic. The books I've read explain in detail how that can be a difficult task because there are many people who have narcissistic character traits and others who are even worse and have a personality disorder and or psychosis.

The problem with these people is that once we open our mouths to talk about ourselves and it could be about anything. The narcissistic people will almost instantly become envious . Can you imagine how destructive that can be on a talented child or a person seeking advice or validation from a BEST FRiend or family member. One sign of envy is inappropriate flattery from the other person and believe me you will feel it and it comes across the wrong way. Unless you are blind to it (be on the look out for those people who flatter) they are most likely jelous or worse ENVIOUS of you and I. Envy means they are actually planning out a scheme of getting back at us for being successful or ambitious (they get envious for almost any little thing so becareful). Another indicator of a narcissist was if you feel your boundaries are being invaded and it could be subtle or direct. Be on the look out and the book advices to be extra cautious and see very little of that person because they are most likely a narcissist.

The reason WHY we want to steer clear of these people is because they are going to everything in their power and it even requires lying, making up stories, and what the experts call "magical thinking". They can pretend they know everything that you are talking about and put on a superior face and in reality they don't. Well that is only the annoying parts. If we get to know a narcissist well, and we disagree or bring certain relationship issues to their attention they can blow up with rage, sabatoge us, find some way to humilate us , and then they will make up a story of how and why they are so important and grandiose compared to us and other people. The worse part is when they use physical violence to control us. My Dad still does this and it makes me sick. Believe me I've decided to unplug from the relationship so that I won't put up with his tyranical delusions anymore. There is no use reasoning and or talking with him because he will find any way even SUBTLE ways of telling me that I am wrong and I will always be wrong and he is always in complete control of other people and his own life and he has no remorse or compassion (of course).

Another problem that the book brought to my attention is that as narcissists age they become increasingly paranoid. There older or old age DOES NOT take the edge off or make them calmer. IN fact they become more accusatory and paranoid. So if you think your 30 year old narcissist husband or wife will get "more mature" without therapy believe me he will not, by 35 he or she will be more on the alert and more paranoid and more apt to making up stories of people who are out to get them or people doing bad things behind their back.

The books also mentioned that a lot of times depression and anxiety are underlying symptoms of narcicism and that therapists and psychiatrists often want to treat Just the symptoms and NOT get down to the real issue. The experts mentioned that it is imperative that the narccissits work on their flawed self instead of working on just depressive symptoms.

 
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Old 01-03-2004, 01:01 PM   #2
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stolie HB User
Re: Narcissism may be the cause of depression.

Wannabe,

What you wrote is interesting, but I think it may help more perhaps to turn the critical eye upon ourselves rather than others. I suffer from the same problem you do in conversations, but I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps it's because I'm a narcissist. Why is it always about me? Clearly it's unrealistic to believe that everyone we interact with is a narcissist, so if so many people are having an unfavorable reaction, maybe it is us who are caught up in overanalyzing and personalizing things that probably have nothing to do with us.

As you stated, narcissism can be thought of as a cause underlying much depression and anxiety. Also, narcissism can result in a feeling of paranoia - which also seems to fit (at least me) to a tee, always believing others are silently critical of me, or interpreting their body language as a rejection of me. I know you've probably heard the old cliche, "I'm okay, it's the rest of the world that's sick." Now honestly, what are the odds of that? Maybe we need to relax and then people will relax around us.

 
Old 01-04-2004, 12:04 PM   #3
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wannabehotguy HB User
Re: Narcissism may be the cause of depression.

Stolie,
That is exactly a great point. The books I've read have completely encouraged going into therapy with a therapist that will work with the narcissist. And I've read what the therapist has to help with and it is a lot of complex and difficult pyschotherapy. It goes beyond the basics of self esteem and it gets real complex.

I believe I do have some narcissist characteristics and I'd love to work with that in therapy. I've brought it up to 3 therapists and they seemed really weary about working with me on it. One flat out told me that "he could not help me" he said it over and over like a broken record...boy did I feel pathetic. One characterestic of a narcissist is that they really do have a flawed personality. I did a whole lot of research and said to myself ya know I think I have a flawed personality I can really relate. Because I've done many things to myself that are violent and really terrible and my therapists have insisted that there is nothing flawed about my personality and they refused to work with me on it. IN the books I've read on narcissism and personality disorders it says that in order to heal and recover it is sOOO very important that the person comes to acceptance and works on his flawed personality and of course so much more to it.

Another point is that if we are the people-pleasing type narcissists we tend to have some compassion and empathy and are easily drawn towards self absorbed apathetic narcissists who we think will fill in our "missing Directions to living the good life". And then we get ourselves into a whole lot of frustration and rage etc. And the cycle really never ends unless the person goes into good therapy and persists with it.

 
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