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Old 02-07-2004, 12:50 AM   #1
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Talking This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Hi guys...I'm sure by now most of you have seen me somewhere, but had an epiphany in the bath tub and had to write....at least I finished washing my hair!!! LOL....K-first of all, everyone's also going to get a dose of my goofy side, that will be apparent all too soon.....

I think we need some positive stuff on this board as well. Just because we are fighting depression doesn't mean that we don't have our good moments and we need to dwell more on our positives, than our negatives.

So, here goes. Not too long ago, I was so far down I couldn't see up and didn't want to die, but almost did. I am a happy person who also happens to suffer from severe depression. Somewhere along my little journey I realized that I have a choice in how I react to what happens in my life. I still fight depression, but no longer the victim mentality that followed me everywhere.

I also used to be hard on myself for what has happened to my body, physically, mentally, medically and spiritually....I couldn't find positive if I tried. For a time I wouldn't see the glass as half full or half empty...I would dump the sucker out and complain that I had to wash the dish!!!! What a way to live. One day, I woke up bound and determined, I would find something happy about today...as it happens, my first slice of happy was, as many have read, having a clean bowl and spoon! WooHoo, ready for breakfast, the day's starting out great.

I fought the process of looking for the bad while trying to find the positive. The more I felt good about life, the more I felt bad about the good being used up on me...it should go to someone who deserves it.....then it hit, each and every one of us deserves happy. It is not a guarantee that life will go your way, but it's a guarantee that if you choose to, you will find happy or create it where there is none. That was the beginning of my heart starting to beat again.

I still struggle with my downs but they no longer floor me, nor do I choose to dwell on the negatives. There is a positive for EVERYTHING...even the most painful of experiences. I used to feel I was my illness, not a person with an illness. I used to think, If I can say my medical problems out loud that I was adjusted to them and had accepted them. It hit me that neither was true when my mom tried to convince me that I was nutty and would pay to commit me...in my fighting for her to believe me, I realized, I didn't believe me. I knew I had Grave's disease..which turned hypo and I had narcolepsy with a few other twists. But I let people create so much doubt in me that I didn't even believe.

When you don't believe, you can't accept, when you can't accept, you can't move on....it's that simple. It doesn't mean accept that life sucks, it means accept that your life can be wonderful still, just different. It's been said that what does not kill us makes us stronger....not IMO...it's not what happens but how we choose to handle it and what we take away from it.

This seems to be overwhelmingly common...it knows no bounds, religion, looks, intelligence, race, sexual orientation...it's totally non-descriminating! It's the belief instilled in so many of us that we are not allowed to be ourselves and that somehow we will never attain that perfection so we should just start digging our graves now. We need to stomp that thought process into the ground! Being "just me" is just fine and truth be told, wonderful!

I am not defined by my illnesses, life events, past traumas, social status, but how I live my life and what I learn from the hard times. I just would prefer not to be so stubborn....sometimes I learn a little slowly and have to repeat some painful processes...gotta start learning the first time around.

I have moments in my life that make me cringe when I look back on them, yet would not change them...they are usually what most profoundly changed me. One that stands out is that I used to bully a certain boy in high-school and kept it up because those around me thought it was hilarious that I could pop off at a moments notice and was unflappable when it came to insults. That's my mom in me. What changed that was when I found out that this boy had been sexually abused and was constantly beaten by his father. I bawled for hours. I was in welding and asked him to walk into the shop with me....I'm sure he was terrified at what I was going to do to him...sick and wrong...I know...I was teary eyed when I told him what I had found out and asked if he would forgive me for being so awful and that he would not only never have to worry about being on the recieving end of me again, anyone from here on out who came at him would have me to deal with...which as most of you know, the shorter the woman, the meaner she is!! This is true to me....

Anyway, that's just one of my not-so-glowing moments. But the lesson, invaluable. Things that you hide in your life are usually no different than those around you, only thing is, some people have the courage to admit their faults. Have you ever felt so awful about something in your life just to run into someone who blurts out all your secrets, but they're talking about them??? Not only are you relieved that you're not alone, but your not a weird duck, either.

As for those who look down on you, realize that most people who look down on you are doing so to keep from looking in the mirror. Most issues they will pick on are issues they secretly dislike about themselves and don't want to face it....so they point it out in others. In a sick way, it's their way of validating that they're okay, it's just at the risk of someone elses feelings. They will one day look back at that time and cringe at their less-than-glowing moment. It will happen, but that doesn't mean you have to be their welcome matts, hoping they'll change....let them figure life out on their own.

Come on guys....Happiness is ours, take it, know you deserve it, and no one has the right to take it from you. You don't need to hide who you are, it will only serve to surround you with people who are also hiding, will never get to know you and may not share the same beliefs as you....you need to allow someone to know your heart and you'll find a better class of people.

Keeping your hurts hidden will only keep you in pain, put them out there and you'll find that not only do you start to heal, you will help someone else heal that isn't strong enough to put their hurts on display. You may be the one who causes someone to say...OMG, I'm not alone or weird.

Not all have walked in the same shoes, yet many of us have learned the same lessons through different experiences.

I may not be the brightest lightbulb in the box, but dang, SOME DAYS I SHINE!!! Everyone does. A smile is usually the fastest way to be a bright light bulb!! You'll not only brighten your day, but someone elses.

Please people, post and let me know what your positive times are and then use this thread to keep coming back to, continue to post your positives and re-visit it on your bad days. It will make you feel better. It does me. I am a cracked egg, some days hard-boiled....but I'm easily entertained!! Makes house bound life a lot easier!!!!! If I could get those freakin bouncy/smiley guys to work, you'd see one of those bouncing frogs right now!! He's a stud and makes me smile. It takes so little..lol....can someone explain to me what the deal is to get them to stick to my paper??? I click on one and the dang page pops to the top and doesn't leave any hoppers on it. I'm blonde and computer wise, I'm Forrest Gump, so please make directions user friendly.

I hope this finds all of you well, and please post. Yes I do realize that I look like a complete nut, but I'm not hiding my nut-factor any more......Angel
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Old 02-07-2004, 07:26 AM   #2
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

You got the right attitude and I am happy for you. It sounds like you are winning the battle against this terrible disease. I have battled depression all my life and I try to stay positive to. I have good health, a good job and other things that would make people on the outside wonder why I have a problem. I have read many books on depression, especially positive thinking books and they have helped to some extent.

I have been open with my depression. Nobody in my family wants to hear about it. They are other family members that have the problem to but would never admit it in a million years. It make me feel good to talk about it, but I don't have anybody to talk to. If I bring it up to my family they changed the subject so fast my head spins.

You are right, we have to stay positive. I look around and see people much worse off than I am. Yet, they seem happier. I do have good days, but a lot of them I am just getting by. I have always been able to function. I do thank God that I have never got as bad as some of the people on this board.

I have heard the expression happiness is a choice. That is not true for some people. There are people who dwell on the negatives and need to change there way of thinking. I was that way years ago and have changed that way of thinking. But it is still a battle. It just keeps wanting to come back. I can be having a good day and for no reason get depressed. It's like something clicks in my brain. Then I will fight it with positive thoughts. I have tried to figure it out, why does that happen but I have no control over it.

I have tried therapy, antidepressants. The antidepressants either don't work or I get a side effect I can't live with. Reading this board helps. One thing for sure, we are not alone. This disease affects so many people.

The easiest way to cheer yourself is to cheer someone else. I have tried this and it does work. Of course when you are down it is hard to do. Action does not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. We have to at least try.

 
Old 02-07-2004, 08:16 AM   #3
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

For the smiley faces you simply have to type in the correct series of characters to make them show up where you want them. The bouncing green guy, for example, can be brought up by starting with a colon, typing bouncing then closing with another colon . All you really have to do is click on the smileys to the right and they'll automatically type the series you need to make that char appear.
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Last edited by Lectus; 02-07-2004 at 08:18 AM.

 
Old 02-07-2004, 11:18 AM   #4
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Bravo, Angel77!! I absolutely loved reading your post. You have just said what I have been feeling for such a long time .

I wholeheartedly agree that we have to be ourselves...no apologies . As one woman said on a movie that I enjoyed watching, "You just have to be yourself or you'll burst", you have to make yourself, imperfections and all, available to people or else you will never truly be happy.

Like you, I have also found that when I remove my social mask (that I am constantly hiding behind ) I feel so much better. It is at this point that I feel like I can truly reach out to people. It's wonderful! I feel so confined when I have my social mask on. It feels great to take it off and show people my real face.

Thank you for this beautiful post . I will be back to post my positive moments which are becoming more plentiful.

Colleen

 
Old 02-07-2004, 12:41 PM   #5
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Re: Let's be honest. Life isn't fair for everyone!

It's nice to hear talk of being yourself but I just don't see this mentality being practiced anymore. I remember there had been a time (up until about the early 80s) when being your genuine self truly was acceptable for most people. Then something happened to the culture where unwritten rules of conformity to such things as fashion and specific ways of behaving became a requirement to be accepted by others. Today, it's gotten way out of control. I always have and always will be myself and I honestly believe that's one reason why I'm all alone. Combine that with my lack of looks (something today's society treats as though it were some disease) and you have a prescription for solitude. I define being one's self not only as letting your genuine personality show at all times but also not blindly bandwagon jumping or conforming when it comes to such things as using current trendy slang terms (or internet lingo), having a cell phone glued to your head, tattoos, military haircuts, wearing a baseball cap, blurting out that meaningless "How ya doin?", owning an SUV, acting insensitive, limitimg the subject matter of conversation only to sports or pop culture, etc, etc, etc. Don't conform to such norms and it's as though you don't exist! Just be yourself? Not anyore.It's more like "fit in or f@#^ off." I understand this isn't a posiive post but I'm probably older than most people here. And who says reality always has to be positive? Just saying "be yourself" is one thing but really practicing that concept is another story.

Last edited by isolated one; 02-07-2004 at 12:44 PM.

 
Old 02-07-2004, 01:36 PM   #6
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Yeah, we got anal retentive!!! I know coal turns to diamonds under pressure, but this is rediculous!! When you wear a mask too long, you don't even know who you are and you become disconnected from life in general. You may appear happy, but you mold yourself to fit the group of people you're with at the time and once that initial happiness fades, you go back to being lost because you don't know what you really want.

I'm not a good conformist, I'm not politically correct...if somethings funny, it's funny! I make jokes about being disabled, fat, narcoleptic, short, blonde, female, whatever, all the time. If people can't laugh at themselves, they'll crack! That's why insurers don't cover mental health!! It's the main problem overwhelming society today.

My favorite epiphany is...one of the women's mags said "Be happy with yourself at any size!!" Guess what??? A flippin size 2 on the cover...what message does that convey?? Hey fattie, buy this, we'll tell you some great things in words but show you our double standard in pictures. Not a single real sized woman in the article. If the saying is true...Real women have curves....then I'm as real as they come!!!

Practicing it is a different concept, however, even if you don't feel it at first and keep trying to act the way you want to feel, it will fall into place. I found this to be true for many. If you're miserable, you wear it on the outside, people avoid you and you stay in the vicious cycle of misery...color outside of the box and smile, even if you don't feel happy. At first, I felt like the biggest nut and was so scared about what people would think of me...a few may have thought I was a cracked egg, but the response I got was overwhelmingly positive!! Many people thanked me for smiling so much and rubbing off on them. Haven't you ever been around someone miserable while you're happy??? If you're around that too long, you too become miserable.

My favorite example is the nun on Sister Act, played by Kathy Najimmy...it was all but impossible not to love her and crack a smile when you saw her dancing at the bar, singing so high your ears wanted to pop and talking about her chosen profession..Flight stewardess or nun...Peanuts anyone??? I love her and I love what she stands for...this is me..no appologies, I'm beautiful, I'm not a size nothing, and I'm fine with me.
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Old 02-07-2004, 03:08 PM   #7
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Thanks for that nice reply, Angel. I can already sense that you are a genuine individual and it's quite refreshing! Where are the people like you in every day life? Anyway, I know I'm obviously a "glass is half empty" type of person and I understand how too much of that can be a turn off. Maybe it's because we tend to look at the distant past with a selective memory, more for the good than the bad but I still hold the belief that there's been a drastic change in social attitudes. Angel, I'll bet you really would have liked coming of age during the era in which you were born. I was 15 in 77. I can't say I was happy by any means because I had been already feeling that general sense of rejection. Even being so different though, I still managed to find my own circle of friends who truly accepted me. Maybe it's because we didn't have MTV, video games, cable tv, or other brain washing methods today's youth is exposed to. I would dread having to be a teenager today! BTW, have you ever seen the movie "Dazed and Confused"? It was made in the 90s, however it does a fantastic job of showing what youth really was like in the 1970s. It seemed everyone at that time had some place to at least "fit in".

 
Old 02-07-2004, 03:41 PM   #8
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

I don't know if the movie sounds familiar because I've seen it or because I am dazed and confused!!! Like I said though, we all need to take back our self-esteem from the media blitz of phoniness and general b.s. People wonder why anorexia and bulemia are so prevalent, all they need to do is flip on the t.v....people of normal size are told they're fat, people slightly overweight have now become obese and those who are morbidly obese can only find help they need by allowing the media frenzy to be involved in their lives while they cut out the side of their house and weigh them at the horse vet....it's sick.

I was shocked when I asked my doc what I should weigh for my heigth...5'NOTHING and about fell over laughing when he said 130lbs!! I thought, no way, Celine Dion is 5'10", 118lbs and all the newspaper could say was, "look at the pouch in her belly.' Come on folks!! That's her uterus!! It has to be somewhere!!! I see what they portray and it drives people to look like the pixie sticks I listed above and they are made to feel bad because they achieved the "hollywood" weight and now they complain because they look anorexic.

It's stars that are out there now saying, so what if I'm considered fat, I'm not changing me for nobody! Drew Barrymore has been very vocal on this issue and flat out stated that girls weren't meant to look like little boys, they were meant to have curves....voluptious used to be a great compliment, now it seems to be used as "well, she's hot, but got some extra padding."

I am trying to live the way I've stated above and yes at times it's hard and sometimes impossible. But each day brings a new chance for me to practice what I preach and I pray that others will also keep trying. One day, if we each keep trying, even if the world doesn't change it's views, we will be happy in our own skin. I always tell my husband I'm not fat, I was just born in the wrong era.....remember the pics of naked women, real boobs, round tummies and meaty legs???? It was a sign of prosperity that you could afford to be well nourished...I would have been the QUEEN!! Fine by me.

Please, everyone who reads this, drop a line, tell me what you think and post any and all positives you experience in your day to day life and every day miracles...they are there, just look. Then when you have a bad day you will have not only your own personal reminder of how good life is at times, but others and you can draw from that happiness.

Gotta run, I'm soooo excited! I'm going to the mall! Holy cow! I have been housebound for nearly 5 months now and been to Wal-mart 4 times and out for Christmas two times....so as you can see, this is a big deal in my world!! Hot dog, headed for the public, kids and hubby just got haircuts and are adorable, just washed my service dog, now I got to showere again.....words to live by....never wash your dog after you showered and before you leave the house!!! I'm trying to conserve water....maybe next time I'll shower with the dog!! LOL Gonna run before my narcolepsy catches me, I'm fine once I leave, in fact quite funny at times if it kicks in, in public, but if it gets me before I show my Aries horns and hubby won't want to take me!!!

TTFN............lets get some more positive on this board before I get back!!! Big hugs and angel kisses...........Angel.
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Old 02-07-2004, 07:19 PM   #9
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Angel77,
I can see where you're coming from on the body size/body shape front. Our society has blown it out of proportion. Though there are some reasons to be concerned about being extremely overweight (such as higher risk for heart disease, diabetes, etc.), we have taken it too far the other way...WAY too far . As you pointed out, voluptuousness used to be a sign of fertility, good health, and wealth. Now it's a sign of disease and decay *sigh*.

As far as models that are seen in today's magazines, I have come to the conclusion that, given our current economy, perhaps designers are trying to cut the costs of materials, etc., and one of the many ways that they do this is to find models that won't use up much clothing material *LOL*. It sounds strange, but you never know. I have actually suspected this for quite some time...

Well, I'm glad that you're going to the mall. I hope that you have lots of fun while you're there . Buy something that you will enjoy.

Colleen

 
Old 02-07-2004, 08:06 PM   #10
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

I know a "man of today" isn't supposed to say this but I also don't understand all the messages we are being sent about women, saying that "thin is beautiful." My heart goes out to the young girls who have been conditioned into thinking these tooth pick models are the image of beauty. If you go far enough back in the media history in the 20th century, there was a period where slightly plump women were the definition of beauty. I happen to agree with that. I'm not saying underweight women aren't beautiful but something's very wrong with the one sided message we're now being bombarded with. It's not healthy in the emotional or physical sense. BTW, I wish they could open up a McDonald's next door to Paris Hilton's house.

 
Old 02-07-2004, 09:12 PM   #11
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Hey kids....back from the mall!!! WOO HOO!!! Had fun but even better, found a 40.00 bra for 5 dollas!!! Hot diggitty! They don't make them that cheap in my size. If I let the suckers out I could mop the floor!!! Haven't seen my feet in years! At least not without doing the hokey pokey!

I was also shocked that the people in the mall were nicer to me and my service dog than the people at Wal-mart! I didn't have any of the senior citizen geschtapo (sp??) chasing me down for medical records!! They were soooo nice. The security guards checked on me each time they saw me. They wanted to know if I was doing well and if I needed anything. They were all so nice! My poor hubby though, he got stuck with the kids!! HEHEHEHEHE My toddler is a terror! He looks like Stitch on Lilo and stitch and acts like him...he's a hellian but with the best of intentions! He's a big reason I don't go in public w/ my kids...stress triggers cat and narc attacks...don't need to be on the floor, semi-conscious and semi-awake....although, one of the security guards was cute! LOL Okay, now I'm getting rotten.

My legs were getting weak and almost dropped me a couple times....it was hilarious! You should have seen the looks I was getting! People weren't sure what to make of me....walking like I was wearing lead shoes, my dog jump alerting and me telling her that I was okay....not sure if they thought I was nuts or just extremely bored! Most people though, stopped to talk to me and Phoenix and one little boy just ran up and hugged her. She was a bit mad at me though because I forgot her treats! She always gets a treat when she alerts and was expecting one. I only had one biscuit in the bottom of the purse, by the end of the day she would still alert and then glare at me like I was just awful!! LOL If you could have seen it....my dog was chewing me out!

Anywhoooo, how's everyone else doin' today??? I'm glad to see so many posting already! It's great! Just watch, the whole feel of the posts will start to change. Even when people post, it will still have a ring of negative with their positives...give it time and you'll see so much positive, it won't even be funny! See ya all soon!
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Old 02-08-2004, 10:59 AM   #12
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

I woke up today laughing. I can't remember if I have ever done that before, but it felt really good. I think it was due to having a good day yesterday and talking to someone, and laughing. Whatever the reason this is the only positive thing that has happened to me for a very long time.

I didn't mean to break the woe is modern woman for feeling fat thread, just wanted to increase the positive note.

P.S. I have never gone out with a skinny girl/woman. I like the curves too much.
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Old 02-14-2004, 10:42 AM   #13
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Ok, kids....I fell off my pony (quite litterally) and it took me a bit to catch the little sucker....but back on now and ready to hear more about everyone's positive for the day.....Hey, check it out, it's starting to sound like Frazier Crane...I'M LISTENING!!! LOL Okay, we all know I'm a little twisted, now don't we???? But, that's part of my charm!

So, the new positives I've learned are::::::: People at the mall are nicer to me and my service dog than the people at Wal-mart!!!
...My dog has learned to alert on my cataplexy attacks!! WooHoo!
...My husband brought me home the sweetest Valentine's card, even a day early, a heart shaped cake and he even wrote in the card this time!! (if you've read some of my previous posts, somewhere, you'll know that this is rare for him. He doesn't like putting it into writing, so he'll spend hours finding the right card and then underline all the parts that say what he wanted to say!! Silly, I know, but he's so cute when he does it....makes me feel like the first time in grade school when someone gives you a Valentine!)
...I had the funniest narcolepsy attack the other day....I was walking out of the bathroom and my oldest son thought it would be hilarious to scare me...well, my cataplexy kicked in and I about hit the floor. After that the sleep attack started and I stayed in a constant state of confusion and was easily startled.....here comes the fun part...I was laying on the couch when my Great Pyrenees (huge, all white dog) jumped up to check on me....I about came out of my skin!!! I don't know what the heck I thought I saw, but I was headed somewhere towards China!!! My kids and hubby got the biggest laugh! I was dying laughing, once I calmed back down. I can't explain why, but this disorder deffinately gives a new view to things!
...I have left the house two times in two weeks!!!! My one girlfriend came and got me to go to Wal-mart..we stopped off at ShopKo and I haven't been there in years! I found Nike's on clearance for 7.00!! And they still had Christmas stuff...90%off...woohoo, more tasetful Christmas decorations!! If you knew me when we first got married, this would make sense. I had the ugliest ornaments, nothing matched, no nic-nacs, nothing.....well, almost 10 yrs later, after christmas sales and the dollar store.. I have it all! For under 100.00!!
...I found another narcoleptic in the same county as me and her narcolepsy was also caused by a head injury! That may not sound like good news to some, but it is for two people who have very few who understand them!
...I adopted out a wolf to a lady who just lost hers and a rottweiler to a lady who was almost killed by her ex-husband....they love them!! They are soul-mates on four legs!

I know there's more, but the brain fog has kicked in and have a few more posts I need to drop by, so I'll write more later.

Please, lets hear more on this line. I think it's important for people to understand that just because we suffer from depression doesn't mean we can't enjoy happiness when it's present.
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Old 02-22-2004, 11:48 AM   #14
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Thanks for your post angel...When I read about the lightbulb it made me smile... Can relate, sometimes feel like a low watter lol.

 
Old 04-12-2004, 07:29 PM   #15
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Re: This is me..no appologies..life on a positive note.

Just found this and had to bump the sucker! We need the light....someone finally turned my light bulb back on. So, lets hear it people. TTFN.
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