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Old 03-18-2004, 12:53 PM   #1
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Man Apart HB User
Unhappy Someone please tell me whats it like,

Whats it like to be feel alive. I think you can die more than once. I feel like ive died a hundred times. I'll never get a chance at life. Life won't give me a chance. I can't sit here and say I did the absolute best to better my life. But who can when you feel nothing inside you. You heart is empty, you mind is lost, you hope is fading and I think I lost any and all ability to even feel happy. I wish I knew what it was like again. Could someone tell me.

I have 2 moods. Numb and miserable. I just bought a new car, and the car company my father works for had it cleaned and tuned up, no charge. Really nice car. I couldnt even get excited about it. And it just frustrated my father. He thinks im being ungrateful or something. No dad, I love you, I like the car, I just dont like my life right now. Hard for me to get excited about a car. I NEVER GO ANYWHERE. I wish I knew what excitement felt like again. Just that intial feeling of surprise. I wish someone could tell me.

What is it like to have a social life and friends. Man it must be incredible to be able to call people and go out to places. Resturants, sporting events, malls. Just hanging out, enjoying each others company. I wish I was enjoyable to be around. Im more just a circus freak. Why would anyone want to take the freak to the circus. I went to this pizza place and waited for my order at the counter. There was a female worker there on the phone. I couldnt help but hear her conversation for the fact that she was being about as loud as a bull horn. I guess when you have such a perfect life and perfect existence you'd want to shout it out too. She told her friend she would call her after practise. I guess she plays a sport for her school. And they were talking about prom. And making plans for going to a basketball game. And then she said the killer word. "My boyfriend." I sat there, and I just heard enough. My pizza was about 10 mins away from being ready, but I had to just get up and leave. Mt. Anxiety was about to erupt. I paid 14 dollars for that pizza. I never got a chance to eat it.

You know the biggest thing Id like to know is how does love feel. What on earth could that be like. I always try to imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning and just have that special person on your mind. Btw, Im so sick of these eharmony ads. Compatability my butt. You only need 2 things to be compatable to everyone person of the opposite sex. Being physically attractive and/or money. Funny how money improve your looks too. Yeah the green goes well with everything.

Ill never be able to experience that. And its such a vital necessity for living. To share you life with someone. Of course I dont go anywhere. If I have to do things alone Id rather not do them at all. Cos anytime I even try I just get reminded of how alone I am. What is it like. I never felt that before. Ill never feel that. I dream it all the time. At least I have that. What does it feel like to hold someone you love. What is it like to be held? I know its cheesy, but I want to know, i want someone to explain it to me. And I want to hear it from different people. Cos its different to everyone. Just want to hear everyones experience. Ill turn off my jealousy and envy meter for one day just to hear it from you guys. It wont be as bad hearing it from people I know deep down deserve it.

Like for instance, how muh does it supress your depression? What does kissing feel like? How does it make you feel to see that person smile. What does it do to you inside to hear that person say "I Love you." How does it change your life? When you become content with that person and the intial excitment wears off, how do you maintain that love? And the biggest of them all is what is the wedding day like. And what is it like to have that first child. Oh man....:'(.....lol, I have imagined a moment like that so many times. Having a child. :'(. Cos its truly something you both share. Because that child is apart of both of you. Just having a part of me live on. Living, breathing, just a life you and that person created. The ultimate responsibility.

I dream of that day. I dream alot. Sadly I dream of days that will never come. But my dream keeps me alive. Ill never live to see any of this. Ill never be loved. People ask me why I feel this way. And I tell them the samething I always say. Ask God. He knows. Cos God created me into something noone can love....:'(..... I hate myself so much. I guess I understand why noone likes me. I hate myself. Every fiber of my own being, I hate me. My life... My curse.... I was denied the ONE thing I could not live without.

 
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Old 03-18-2004, 02:31 PM   #2
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Hi Man Apart...Yes, your problem is you don't like yourself...and if you can't like yourself enough to care about yourself, then you will never be able to care about anyone else...Have you been treated at all? Do you go to therapy? Have you talked to a doctor...Most of the people here have felt what you are feeling...I understand what you mean by having two feeling Miserable and Numb....Before I got treated for my depression and anxiety, I had three feelings ....Irritable, and Miserable and Panic..You need to get treated, hopefully by therapy first, and then maybe medication. And you need to ask God for strength, and encouragement...If you've tried therapy before and it didn't work, go somewhere else...You don't have to feel this way...You asked what all those things felt like...Well, it feels like you have no more weight on your shoulders, when your depression goes away...Its the only way I know how to describe it...You stand taller, you look younger, you smile, you walk faster, you hold your head higher, you hum to yourself, and your heart sings along....you feel like being around people and doing enjoyable things....I NEVER imagined I would ever get better as I suffered depression from my early teens, I am 25 now, 24 when I first got treated....Please go get treated, and visit this board often...The people here were a great support to me about a year ago, when I found this board, and also decided to do something about my condition (I was eventually diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, though I know I had social issues too)...Now, I hope to be able to do the supporting.....God Bless You and ::::a hug from me to you::::
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Old 03-18-2004, 03:05 PM   #3
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Man, Mannely, Manny, Man, Man, Man.... Well, we have to give Man Apart some credit for trying, because he has been to several types of therapy and has tried different forms of medication. He's trying. Man, I wish I had an hour or so to type out my response, but I have to be somewhere in 15 minutes. Just hang on Man Apart. (I hope you don't mind me playing around with your username so much. So many delightful variations!) Hang in there. Hang on tight.

I'm wishing and praying that you will find all these wonderful things that you want. But even though it's so hard and I know you have been through so much, we have to try to find a way to change your outlook around. You know how my husband noticed me? Not because I was pretty. Heck no. In reality I'm really rather scary looking. It was because I had a good attitude. People are attracted to a good attitude. It's much more complicated than that, but unfortunately, I don't have time to go into length right now. I'll be back in a little while. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up so much.

 
Old 03-18-2004, 05:22 PM   #4
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

So you want to know what it's like Man Apart? I'm not going to lie. With the right person it's wonderful. It's everything you've imagined. But those brief moments are so fleeting. I stopped sharing a room with my husband a long time ago because the magic went out of our relationship. So for a long time I have been doing without- (he and I both). I don't care. I still have my fantasies. Most of the time my fantasies are soo much better anyway.

You keep looking up at this great big mountain you have to climb and you give up before you get started because it just seems too hard. But what I'm trying to tell you is you have to take it one little step at a time. When you least expect it, good fortune is gonna sneak up and bite you right on the behind. When you least expect it.

Just keep a good attitude. Here's what I mean by that. When I lived alone in that basement apartment (just me and the cockroaches- and an aquarium of fish that died), sometimes I wanted to say, "God, why me?" But I kept counting my blessings, no matter how few there were to count. If I had to live for a week off the same pot of rice with lentils, I thanked Mother Nature for giving me that sustenance. I thanked Mother Nature for giving me a car I could drive to get around- even if it was on it's last legs and looked like it just crawled out of the junk yard. I thanked Mother Nature for keeping a roof over my head and a blanket on my bed to keep me warm at night. I thanked Mother Nature for giving me a stereo and some paper and watercolor paints to keep me from going crazy on those long lonely nights. I concentrated on those things- really focused on them. And when my apartment flooded, I thanked Mother Nature that I could stay at my parents house temporarily. Then when my car did break down, I thanked Mother Nature for sending someone my way to offer me a lift so I could get to work. I cried sometimes. I felt sorry for myself deep down, but I never forgot to count my blessings no matter how flimsy they became, and you know what? People are attracted to a good attitude. Because one day, I got home and found my now husband's voice on my answering machine asking me out for a date. I was jumping all over the place! Then I got knocked up, was nearly forced to have an abortion, tried to starve myself to death, forced the man to marry me and maintained an unhappy marriage for 5 years and here we are today. But the story doesn't end. It keeps going around and around.

You have got a lot of love to offer and when you finally meet that girl, you're going to treat her so nice, aren't you? But how is she going to find you? What will you be doing when she meets you for the first time? I think that you keep thinking that you're going to find all of these things and then that will make you stop being sad, but it's the other way around. You have to stop being sad first. You have to build yourself up. Capitalize on your strengths. Accentuate the positive attributes that you have. Downplay those things you're less confident about. Show people what a punk you are. (I mean that in a good way).

It's like this, I wake up some days and say to myself, "I'm going to really try to work with my positive assets today and make myself look good." (Yeah right, just try you pathetic looser). So I do everything I can. I shower, I deodorize, I moisturize, I pluck, I brush, I blowdry, I mousse, I make-up, etc, etc,etc,etc,etc... I spend two hours, and then I look in the mirror and say, "it's just no use, no use at all," so I decide, "o.k. I'm a punk today. Yeah, I know I'm scary. What's it to you? I'm also a bad ***. So you better stand back." Now that happens about 95% of the time. So do I go around acting like a punk? No not really. That would be laughable. But in my mind, in Genaland, it's admirable to look the way I do. In Genaland, if you look like a messed up bum, that's a good thing. The more asymmetrical your hairstyle the better. This whole alternate reality, it gives me the confidence I need.

When I was in High School, there was a guy who was a real bad ***. He was really cute too- until he blew himself up with a pipe bomb. He lost several fingers, a thumb, an eye, and severely scarred his face. He still had girls trying to get with him. One of my friends just adored him, she was hanging all over him- it didn't matter. He still had the confidence. That's a true story.

I don't know how comfortable you are talking about what it is about your appearance that bothers you so much, but I know I'm really sensitive about my own stuff. As for me, I have a nice assortment of facial moles which have surfaced over the years. When I was in High School, a guy I was sort of dating actually told me he liked that about me because it was like looking at a constellation of stars. Ugh, please! I also have dark circles under my eyes (probably from being part Italian). So to remedy these things I use make-up, make-up, and more make-up. I have cow-licks everywhere. I can always predict what the hairstylists are going to do... give up. On top of all that, I'm very short and small boned, so I don't carry excess weight at all well. You wanna talk about strech marks, I'm the freak.

When I was a little kid I was real cute, like Punky Brewster. Not any more. Isn't Nature cruel? It's cruel, but I just have to laugh, because it's hilarious when I think that if you took a little film of my life and showed me little parts of it some day, maybe at the end of my life, I would just say, "I can't believe it!" and I would just be on the floor laughing. Sure there are some parts that are really not so funny. But some of it, oh, it's just so pathetic! But that's what we do in my family. We laugh. We always try to slant everything in a funny way.

This appearance thing is a major hang-up for you. There has got to be something we can do to both find a remedy to some of the things that bother you, and help you find a new way to think about it. Then you can start thinking about how you're going to get a girl.

 
Old 03-19-2004, 10:33 AM   #5
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

All the ugly people I know find people to date. There's more than one person out there for everybody! I'm beating my brain up trying to think of an exception! You need to tell me "what's so ugly" about you. I mean, so far all I can come up with is that you might have two heads...and I'm not even sure that would keep you from finding somebody. Please answer...

 
Old 03-19-2004, 01:10 PM   #6
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Yeah, most people aren't exactly supermodels and they almost all manage to find mates anyway.
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Old 03-19-2004, 02:15 PM   #7
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

BethyM, hi. Im glad you responded. I dont get many replies so it is much appreciated to hear from you. Yes, I do go to therapy and I have been treated for depression. Right now I voluntarily took myself off my medication. I cant deal with the side effects and nausea, and i havent felt any significant benefit from them. As for asking God for strength and encouragement. I have. Many times. Im not holding my breath that Ill ever see any of it. But, Im glad your able to obtain good support from this board. Hope to hear more from you in the future.

Gena, Genie, Beenie, GenaBeens, Genie in a bottle. I can play with your name too missy. I dont believe your scary looking for a minute. Your too sweet. Your husband is a lucky man depsite how he has taken you for granted lately. Your husband had to be physically attracted to you. There is just a small minority of people in this world, and I mean the entire world, that actually put personality, morals and attitude infront of looks, body, and, money.

If its everything I can imagine it to be then I truly know I wont be able to live without experience at least a part of it. When you say the magic left the relationship. It has to be more than just him dissapointing you and being more disrespectful to you. You lose a sense of physical attraction towards that person. You start to really know that person deep down and perhaps lose alot of mental attraction toward them too. You can grow apart in so many different ways.

Gena, I would be so much more incline to have and maintain a good attitude if I knew for sure it would be all I need to get through in life and find happiness. I feel like Ive added all my blessings. And the total comes to zero. I can see if it was my fault that im living this way. That all of this, all of my suffering, and my current living condition was because I lead myself down this road, I dug my own hole, then I wouldnt be able to complain. And I would be appreciative of whatever I had. But when you grow up and have ever dream of yours crushed to pieces and you are left with nothing, no direction, no goals, no emotion. And being embedded with mental issues, depression, to compound that is even worst cos I cant barely get to a point where I can start over and just try to salvage what little life I have.

I am sorry you had to live in such harsh conditions. I know that feeling all to well. Many nights I had to sleep on the floor with my sisters. Feeling stuff crawling around me. We not only had cockroachers, but mice. lol. But fortunately we were able to afford better places to live and we finally bought a home 4 years ago. A really nice house with a swimming pool and stuff. Very clean area. I havent seen a roach years. lol.

Anyway, I see your point. I do. I should be thankful I wasnt born in some 3rd world country where I really have no chance. But you know. Back when I was young and my family was at our poorest. That was the happiest time in my life. It didnt matter to me. Cos I had friends. My family was closer than we ever were. We had each other. Even if we were living in a cave, we had each other. I had friends that actually liked me and we could go outside and we had fun all the time. I would trade all of this if I could go back to the days where my family was closer. I would trade all of this if I could have friends again. Ok, maybe im selfish. I know i sound selfish right about now. But none of the material stuff means anything to me. I just cant really be thankful for these things. I got a swimming pool i havent gotten in in 2 years, I have a brand new 2002, beautiful car i just bought, I dont care about it. Thats what my parents dont get. Just cos my house is a lil bigger and my car is a lil better and we can eat a lil more food doesnt necessarily mean im going to be happier. Especially if I cant share any of this with anyone.

I can adapt with my enviroment. Most human being can noone matter where your born. I cannot adapt with being lonely and depressed 24/7. I may not be living in poverty physically. But im definitely living in poverty mentally. And it has driven me to the mental state im in. I dont care who you are or where you were born, rich or poor. If you dont have your mind, you truly do not have ANYTHING.

I would treat my girlfriend/wife like a queen. The little things that keep relationships strong would be 2nd nature to me. She would NEVER have to complain I wasnt being affectionate enough or sensitive or understanding or generous or loving. Part of my joy would be to fulfill her life and her needs. To make her happy. Unfortunately it doesnt matter cos noone would ever be attracted to me. Too much of your self worth in this world is determined by what you look like. So of course I dont really matter to anyone. If your average looking or really attractive, you can interest people, you can develop a sense of value. People would be interested in what you had to say.

Its funny how the more attractive you are, the funnier your jokes seem to be, the more smarter people think you are, the more "fun" and "exciting" you are to be around. If I had a attractive face and body with my exact personality, sensitivity, conscious, and level of compassion, morals and care I have for people. Id be Mr perfect. lol. Well maybe not that great but, Id be a cool guy. The funny thing is. If I had someone in my life right now that would make life worth living id instantly become superman. Cos then I would have all the incentive I ever needed to create a better life for us to share. I dont have any incentive right now cos all life has ever lead me to believe is that im going to be lonely and depressed forever.

How can I try to put myself in college and save money and plan for a future Im not sure I have. I know im not going to be able to live this way much longer. The only reason im alive right now is because im trying to hold on long enough to see if there is something God, mother nature, life or whatever has to offer me. Is there something or someone that can come into my life to make my life worth living.

My apperance. lol Well, no im not really comfortable talking about my appearance but i promised to be open and honest on this board so its fine. I dont like revealling my ethnicity mainly moreso than how I look. I actually sent a picture to some people I met on here and the reaction was mixed. One person told me I was insane, the other said I was ok, not bad. Um, i dont have acne or scars or moles or anything of that sort. It is just the absolute worst collection of facial features you would ever see. Truly just monsterous. I do have slight skin discoloration. I never complain about being fat cos I dont have to be fat, its something I can always change.

Another thing is, Ill never settle for someone who im not attracted to. I could be with one particular young lady right now who is actually quite pretty. A little overweight but shes attractive in my eyes physically. But shes is about the most abnoxious, unlady-like person ive ever met. She has a aggressive attitude, ill tempered, swears every other word, smokes weed, and the one thing i dislike more than anything else is she has a tendancy to put alot of other people down. But she claims to just be enamored with me.

Um, the best way to describe how I look. I can give you a visual of someone famous. There are 3 people that come to mind if you are aware of them. A small version of Shaquille Oneal. A slightly thinner version of the late rapper Notorious B.I.G. And a comedian named Cedric the entertainer. Now I dont look exactly like them, cos they all look normal. Im more the abnormal version. But its the closest comparison I can make.

Foxbluff for obvious reasons I dont like the word ugly. I seldom use it unless im describing myself or someone elses personality. Id like to believe that God made everyone equally and he did not create any one to be ugly in anyone elses eyes. But of course thats not the way it is. Maybe on some other planet. Dont beat yourself up trying to find a exception. There isnt one. In a perfect world inner beauty would hold more value than outer beauty. Trying to find a example of someone beautiful with someone you deem ugly would be like trying to find a example of dogs and cats living together in a house. As ive said before. There are two worlds. The beautiful one. And the ugly one I live in.

 
Old 03-19-2004, 03:43 PM   #8
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crossbow
Yeah, most people aren't exactly supermodels and they almost all manage to find mates anyway.
Yeah most people arent super-ugly as well. lol.

 
Old 03-19-2004, 03:52 PM   #9
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

I never said I had to be a supermodel. Im not vain. Most supposed "supermodels" arent really that super to me. This isnt the case of me wanting the whole cake(looks and body wise). If I had just a few crumbs, my hunger would be cured. I just wasnt blessed in that way. I remember asking a friend of my sister, how was she able to stay in shape and continue to look so young. She said she never works out. She was just "blessed". She told me if she didnt have her looks she wouldnt know where she would be. I told her, I know. You'd be me.

 
Old 03-19-2004, 05:14 PM   #10
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Man Apart, you mentioned something very positive which makes me beieve your situation is not as bad as you may think. You said there's a woman who is attracted to you. ...... QUOTE: But she claims to just be enamored with me. ........ However, there are qualities about her that turn you off and you choose not to bring the relationship to another level. But don't ignore the fact that there's another person who finds you attractive! I have it worse than you. I've never even had the experience of having a woman I'm not attracted to being attracted to me, not once. Man Apart, your situation is not hopeless. You've just given us the proof. Now think of all the potential women out there you could meet and you will understand there are other women who will find you attractive. You need to start focusing on this very positive thing you've now mentioned and let it motivate you!

 
Old 03-19-2004, 05:23 PM   #11
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Please tell me that's not what you said to the woman!!! You're not as much of a Man Apart as you think..LOL...though I do like the name. You could have just responded w/a big grin and added "You would still be beautiful on the inside." This would have most likely made her feel real good about herself &, thus, abt you. It would, also, leave her w/the impression that you're a great conversationlist. Funny how that works...

 
Old 03-19-2004, 05:29 PM   #12
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

Yeah, isolated one, I caught that too!!! So, Man Apart, how did that pretty-on-the-outside-only girl get past that "monsterous" mug of yours? I mean, really!

 
Old 03-19-2004, 06:01 PM   #13
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

There's only one world. It doesn't require one to be attractive on the outside in order to develop values. I've never met a boring attractive person that I thought interesting. Lots of dogs and cats live in the same hse. You had friends as a child, you can certainly have friends now. I know what 2 of the men you spoke of look like and I think I can picture B.I.G. Sooo, you're not ugly. Being overweigh doesn't bother you but it's bad for your health and possibly bad for the way you see yourself. Go on a diet like most everybody else has to! I think you would feel better if you did. I think you started out here saying that you've gone off your meds due to nausea. Well, certainly there are other meds that can help and not make you sick!!! You're such a bright young man. It's hard for me to believe you would just sit there and suffer! I totally agree w/you that material possessions don't bring happiness. Neither, however, does being attractive. You need to start making changes in your life in order to start feeling good abt who you are. Nobody can give that to you. Is this too harsh? Am I banned from the brd?

 
Old 03-19-2004, 06:56 PM   #14
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

lol. Thanks guys. No Foxbuff, your not banned lol. You didnt say anything harsh at all. The situation with her is not as what you think. Im skeptical of any girl who shows any interest in me. There is always a agenda. And your right, life doesnt require you to be attractive to live a healthy fulfilling existence. That is unless your content with living it alone.

I want to respond to everything you guys said but have to get a few winks in before I go to work. Just wanted to say thanks. Oh and excuse me for being off topic but, im looking at probably the worst movie I ever saw in my life, called children of the corn: revelation. lol. Its so bad its actually funny. Man, I would be such a great writer/director if I didnt have 5 years of my education shaved from my life. Oh man what is this lol, there a woman being attacked by killer seedweed. And theres this Mulder, Xfiles looking detective guy on the case who has the uncanny ability to walk pass every clue. And I think the director needs to go a lil easy on the fog machine lol.

Ok im sorry. Its just funny. I have to find ways to crack myself up somehow, not make myself completely oblivious to laughter. Anyway you guys have a great day and all and thanks again for the replies.

 
Old 03-19-2004, 08:03 PM   #15
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Re: Someone please tell me whats it like,

So what's the agenda of this girl who shows interest in you? And from what you just said, there have been other women who've shown interest in you as well? I think you're starting to paint a better picture of your life, the more you post and express yourelf. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm now getting the impression that the actual problem may be that you're afraid of having a relaionship with a woman, not only because of the new experience of taking such a risk but you also could have developed some false notion that you don't deserve it, for some reason. This pattern of thinking may have become more unconscious and replaced with what you think is a more obvious way of protecting yourself. You're one of the most genuine people on this board and it seems so unfair to hear how your life is, when it doesn't have to be that way.

 
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