I just got call from one of the places I applied a job for. It was kind of sudden and I was surprised cos I basically wrote off that I would work there since I found out the hours were seemingly a little much for me. I will go from basically being in my house all day to trying to work 2 jobs, 10 hours a day. Their part time positions arent available. I woke up this morning in alot of pain mentally.(bad weekend, very very bad). Just really hurting and tears in my eyes. Feel like someone is squeezing my brain. Choking me. I think Im progressingly entering into one of my annual morbid depressions where Im just completely debilitated mentally and physically. And I dont know how to stop it. Ive never known how.
I get this call this morning at like my worst and now I have to sit here all day and decide whether or not I will be able to take the job. A public job, a morning job. But a fair paying one I could use. I have to sit here fish for any positives I can obtain in a sea of negativity inside my head. I know im not ready. Far from it. But I dont get many oppurtunities like this. My father pulled alot of strings to get this job for me. Hype me up and my computer skills and how smart I am to those people. And the people havent even talked to me on the phone yet. As if I dont feel bad enough now I have all this pressure on me. I have the weight the pain of trying to force myself there, past the fear, trying to keep my hand in a blazing fire of anxiety and hope I can deal with it and not quit in a week. Or not go at all tomorrow and bear the burden of dissapointment from my father, my family and myself.
The job I already have is ok but its just peanuts compared to what I used to make. Im grossly underpaid cos my boss decided he needed a 4% increase on his own 6 figure salary. Im good at budgeting but, I dunno. I just hate when Im down to my last dollar every single week. What would I be working for. I have no life. Why do I need money for clothes or gas, I never go anywhere. I never enjoy the money I have. I never do anything with it. Cos I cant. Cant go anywhere, cant do anything. Dont even enjoy doing anything anymore. NO LIFE, NO FRIENDS, NOONE SPECIAL, NOTHING! Go to work and bust my butt so I can come home to nothing and noone. Working and saving money for what? For what? lol. I have NO future. You know who is always home for me. Who I can look forward to seeing everyday. My only 3 friends. Depression, anxiety and anguish. Depression never misses a day. Anxiety drops by conveniently whenever I try to do anything worthwhile to improve my life. And I can always depend on it anguish to be there for me every lonely night.
Ugh. I can remember 8 years ago, I was 17 I applied for a job at a grocery store. I felt the exact way I did then that I do now. I went and worked there for 30 mins. 30 minutes and I had to call my dad cos I was so nervous and riddled with anxiety I dropped someones jar of pickles, i was misplacing peoples food, they were coming back in the store telling me they didnt buy this or that. I always think about that day. Cos it symbolized the beginning of my social anxiety and agoraphobia which has lead to the nightmare I am living today.
Funny how history repeats itself. Theres really no way out of this. Im completely doomed. Im like gone. I just dont realize it yet. Im fighting the inevitable fact that my life is over and probably has been for a long time now.
At some point of my life. I got stuck in a spider web. Its funny cos whenever my therapist asks me to doodle on a piece of paper, in all my pictures theres a web. Or a spider. And for 10 years, Ive been struggling and fighting and struggling and scared. But now I see the shadow. The big dark shadow. Just, so big. The spider has returned to his web to collect me. I cant move anymore. Im too afraid to even struggle. I finally see him. I think I finally see my destiny. His web of depression has held me for so long. I almost feel a sense of relief itll finally be over. He salivates from the fear I exude. I see hell in his eyes. It is at this moment. When I lose all hope. I find no reason to struggle or fight anymore. Why should I try anymore. Why should I work again, why should I try to go to school, why should I lose weight. Why should I try to find someone special. What can I do now that I havent tried in the last 10 years. For ten years I have been stuck in the same place. Thats the worst thing about being caught in a web. You get caught and everything stops. Your life ends there. Its already over. My life ended 10 years ago. I hate myself so much because I squandered my own life. Thats why the spider can leave his web, thats why he can sleep peacefully while you struggle. Thats why I have no friends. Noone cares. Noone will dare come near his web. Thats why the spider is so patient. He knows, there is no way to escape his mighty web of misery.
oh manny, what can i say! first, DON'T think you are stuck in this spiderweb with nowhere to go. if anything, this phone call about the job should be proof that you have somewhere to go, something to look forward to! i know it will be extremely hard for you to face this job with your social anxiety, but think of it as your first step in a few direction. if you take this job, maybe you'll met new people. maybe you'll make new friends. and who knows, maybe you'll even meet ms right! i know it sounds really far fetched, but you have to get your hopes up about something, otherwise your three friends of depression, anxiety and anguish will never go away and you won't be able to make new friends with new, more happy emotions!
about this job. i dont even care what kind of a job it is or what you would be doing, but i seriously think you should take it. it seems like your dad worked really hard to get this for you, and i would hope you wouldn't want to let him down. if you do take the job, your dad will be so proud of you! and us on the boards will be proud of you! (at least i know i will). if you have other people believing in you, maybe it will help you believe in yourself. also, you said yourself that you could use the job and the money. who couldn't use the money? so what if you don't have anything specific to buy with it, it's always good to have that extra security in case anything happens. and if you want an idea of something to buy with the extra money from your new job, take my therapist's advice and buy yourself a really big, fluffy stuffed animal. i know it sounds silly or stupid, but it will give you something to cuddle and hold at night when you are alone. i know i'm looking forward to going out and splurging on my own stuffed animal.
so just think about it. like gena said, you do have options, and no matter what, you have your friends on this board to help you through every decision you make. hang in there and let us know if you took the job or not!
[Quote] think for just one moment you need to close your ears and stop listening to everyone else and just listen to your heart for a second. Whenever your heart starts to ache, Its giving you your answer.[Quote]
Now, just for one minute, let's put that spider out of your mind. Pretend that option doesn't exist for one minute. Look at the options you do have. Those are your options. Nobody is going to die if you say no to the job. Nobody is going to die if you say yes to it.
I know. I know. Im sorry. I wish I didnt post that today. It was just completely emotionally driven. Im fine. Ive been here before. I know itll get worst before it gets better but this is something I periodically go through. Like a earthquake. Some of small some are medium, and some are massive. And this breakdown im having is like a 9.5 on the rector scale.
Im sorry. i always fear posting cos im perhaps the most negative person on this board. I cant see past the dark. And I dont want to affect anyone negatively. Im not going to hurt myself today or tomorrow or anytime soon, until I can truly say I gave myself a chance and did everything I could to regain my life. So dont worry. Please. Im, just simply. Hurting. I deeply apologize if Im spewing my negative venom all over this board. I just have to release what I feel. Like releasing the pain inside. I dont mean to dump. Im going to make it a effort to be more positive and not so defiant. But sometimes I just cant help it ...:'( I just want someone to know how I feel.
We will figure it out- exactly what is your bliss in life. It will come in time. If you take the job and fail, you can still do other things in your life after you explore the inner you and find your bliss. If you take the job and succeed, you can still work on finding your bliss at the same time. You can leave that job in the future if you want to. If you turn down the job, your father will be irate, but you’re a man. You can survive it. Tell him you need some time to find yourself. If he doesn’t like it, you can do what I did when I was 20- leave home. Take whatever measly job you have to to pay the rent and continue to search for your inner bliss.
Weigh out the pros and cons. Write a list of all the pros and a list of all the cons of taking the job. Assign points to each. Add everything up and see which choice weighs most heavily.
Whatever you do, you need to see that there are things you can do, choices that are yours alone. You’re not really trapped.
You don't have to apologize at all. That's what we're here for. I feel better- if you're having an emotional breakdown- if you do share it. At least then, I know where you're at, and I can offer the support that is needed.
It gives me peice of mind to know that if you are having these thoughts, you won't just keep it inside and let it eat away at you. It's important- if you are having any irrational thoughts- that you get them outside of you where you can deal with it.
congrats on deciding to take the job! i'm sorry if my last post seemed pushy or anything. i just reread it and realized that it was extremely pushy in trying to convince you to take the job. but i'm so glad that you did decide to take it! and don't worry, no matter what, we are here for you. if it works out or if it doesn't, we are behind you every step of the way. we're your biggest fans, your biggest supporters, and that's what we're here for!
I just read a lot of your posts. I agree with the other posters, you are a very intelligent person. I would love to have your writing ability.
I'm sure making the decision on whether or not to take the job was difficult.
I definatley think you did the right thing and I wish you the best.
I started school a few months ago and honestly didn't think I would make it. I've had problems with anxiety, depression, and panic. I felt like I was going crazy and didn't see how I would continue going to school. I'm very glad now that I kept going and I think it is actually helping with the depression and anxiety. It's getting easier. At first, I just had to make myself go but now it's getting better.
Man Apart, it's good to hear you're going through with it. I'm getting ready to go back to work full time for the first time in a few years. Having had too much time on your hands is probably a factor in the way you are feeling. Just a word of advice. I hope you look at this job only for what it is, a job. Please don't start to get social expectations up or focus too much on the way you think coworkers perceive you. That could get in the way of the real reason you are there. I've done that to myself too many times before and only learned the hard way by quitting jobs I should have held on to.
I just got back from the interview. I dont want to talk about it. Just glad I can relieve that part of my anxiety. Unfortunately the other parts are clinging onto me. I do think getting out of the house more will be helpful. Coming out of my shell so to speak. But im still a ugly caterpillar. And I dont want to come out until im a ugly butterfly. I wouldnt be able to survive in the world looking and feeling the way I do now. Everyone likes butterflies. Moreso than a caterpillar. I still have a ton of weight to lose(40 lbs), I still need to see a dermatologist, and I have yet to get myself motivated enough to get in the weight room.
Thats the problem with my depression. It puts me at a stand still for too long. Forces me to deal with it in ways that will hamper my progress towards getting healthier mentally and physically and prolonges my struggle. I often dwell about the fact that Ive been battling my weight problem for 10 years. Ive wasted hundreds on pills and diet plans and drinks. I actually intentionally put on 20lbs so I couldnt get approved for gastric bypass surgery cos they told me 275lbs wasnt big enough. lol. I used to be 314lbs, I somehow got myself down to 198lbs 2 years ago. Then it catapulted back up to 280lbs literally within 6 months after that crippling rejection I got, now im at 240lbs. I did it once I can do it again. I just forgot how I did it the first time.
*sigh* I have no motivation. Nothing to strive for. I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel. If I did id be sprinting towards it. Im just running around in the dark, hoping i see a light. Im running out of time. I just dont care anymore.
and if you want an idea of something to buy with the extra money from your new job, take my therapist's advice and buy yourself a really big, fluffy stuffed animal. i know it sounds silly or stupid, but it will give you something to cuddle and hold at night when you are alone. i know i'm looking forward to going out and splurging on my own stuffed animal.~frinkle
LMAO. Did I mention Im a guy? lmao. I know Ive been humbled and reduced to a wimpering depressive lil child but I do have to keep some credibility of my manhood viable. lol. Its bad enough I do that with my pillow, pretending Im holding my wife or girlfriend.(duh im pathetic.) But i could never go buy a stuffed animal. lol. Ok that made me laugh. I needed that. lololol. Im sorry im sorry. I dont mean to laugh, I know your just being sweet as you always are. And I thank you and Gena for your kind words. I dont know where id be if I didnt have you guys at least. I had other friends on this board I was interacting with daily and somehow I was even able to squander them.
I dont want to talk too much about this cos ill get emotional. And its way way too personal and embarrassing. lol. But, I did have a lil gray stuffed rabbit I used to carry around with me eeeeeverywhere. I was laughed at when I took it to school when I started Kindergarden and 1st grade. I can remember my first day of school vividly. I remember in the hallway when my mom was leaving I said hey mom, see ya later alligator and she said, after awhile crocidile. And I waived the lil bunny paw bye to her.... im already tearing up. lol. ... Anyway, I went into the room with my lil rabbit and, the teacher had took it from me and i started crying. Then she gave it back and the students started laughing and picking on me. I cried in the classroom just uncontrollably. The teacher was passing out a sheet of drawing paper and I think i shook my head no cos I didnt want to draw and she slapped me...:'(........ Im sorry I need to stop there. I wish I could slap that old hag back.
Um anyway I remember so many nights I used to sleep with that lil rabbit. He was my best friend. I had him for so long. He was missing one eye and just all scruffy, my mom wanted to throw him away lol. Then I had no choice to when our own dog chewed him into pieces. I remember I begged my mom to sew him back together, and she tried. :'(. She was working on him like she was performing surgery. lol. And she kinda put him together a lil bit and I remember carrying him around for a week and he tore apart again and I took him back to my mom and she told me to throw him away and she would buy another one or something but of course it wouldnt have been the same. And so she threw him away. I was so mad at that dog but I got over it cos I started liking the dog more. lol. I just thought Id share my sad life. Another sad moment in the life of me. Ahhh I have so many precious memories. Sorry i couldnt hold back the tears. My childhood memories rips me apart very very easily.
The friends and significant people in my life are few and far between. One of the most pathetic moments I ever had was when I was in 5th grade and I gave this one kid my lunch money everyday if they would be my friend. Cos noone else liked me. I made that kid rich that year. lol.
Oneday..... oneday. Is there a life ahead of me worth living. One that can justify a horrific childhood. Am I still living because I believe that day will come. I dont know. God owes me 25 years. I dont think there is ever a experience or accomplishment that could ever justify being raped of your childhood. But maybe if I could oneday be blessed with my own family. If by some stroke of luck I was fortunate enough to ever see that day. I could could find peace. I could finally sleep easy at night. Because, I would make sure my child would have every single thing I never had growing up. I would love them with every ounce of my heart and my soul. Protect them with every fiber of my being. Then I think Id be able to let go. I wouldnt feel so haunted. I could once again walk with my shadow.