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Old 03-24-2004, 02:51 PM   #1
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I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Guys, I don't know where to start with this, what to say, or how to say it. I just know that I long to feel just a little happiness and pride... two feelings that almost completely escape me. I've lived my life up to this point fairly well, considering the circumstances, but I fear that I may not be able to keep on going much longer. I ask that you hear my long-winded spiel out and offer any wisdom that you can.

Well, I guess my problems began when I was around 8 years old. For whatever reason, I was frequently feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. I think the problem stemmed from my relationship with my father. He just always seemed unhappy with me... I felt as though he was ashamed of me or something along those lines.

I started doing badly in school and lost my will to do most things that kids my age were doing. My mother was always very supportive of me, and assured me that she loved me more than life itself. She assured me that my father loved me just as much and that he frequently spoke well of me and that he didn't hate me as I thought he did. I think now, in retrospect, that she wasn't being completely forthcoming with my father's true feelings in the hopes of protecting me.

She would then go speak with my father about what I had told her and I would secretly listen in. He would become VERY angry and call her stupid for buying in to my petty bullsh*t. He would call me things like "A good for nothing, crybaby, as*hole" or "piece of *****" or "Mother*****er." She would of course assure me that everything was fine, and that my father loved me, and she would evetually berate me for not making an attampt to forge a relationship with him, all at the confused young age of 13 years old.

It got worse, they would fight every morning and he'd rant and rave about what a worthless scumbag I was (Mind you, he'd never say any of this directly to me, but rather he'd generally ignore me) I was failing school and wanting nothing more than somebody I could just talk to. He would beat me up sometimes, if I spoke out of line with him, or if I got in a fight with my sister, he'd come and beat me pretty bad... he'd get VERY violently angry.

I can recollect countless images of his 6'3" 250lb frame towering over my puny little body with his teeth gritted, yelling profanities at me with such force that he couldn't help but haze my face over with his spittle. He'd typically only hit me with an open hand or squeeze my little arms with his giant fist leaving fingernail cuts from each of his fingers along my bruised arm. There had been a couple occasions where he was so mad that he'd actually punch me with a closed fist, but not many.

I remember going to school every morning wondering why I was such a loser dipsh*t assh*le who kept putting my family through this. Ironically, all the things he had been calling me over the years, I was calling myself in my own head. I slowly began to hate myself and I became more and more antisocial.

I had perhaps three or four friends at highschool, and the only things we really had in common is that we hated ourselves and we did drugs. I was always under some type of punishment, typically for getting bad grades or for talking back to my parents. I evetually reached a point where I became self-destructive and I didn't really care anymore. I was using drugs almost all the time... marijuana, LSD, Extacy, and Cocaine were my most common excursions.

I never enjoyed Cocaine like so many others seemed to, but I was quite enamored with marijuana, LSD, and Extacy. I took them because for the first time in my life, it seemed, I could actually laugh a little and see things from a different perspective. Up until this point in my life, I felt like such a little little little person... I was completely ashamed of myself and I couldn't so much as hold eye contact with anyone.

I was quiet, introverted, and wishing with every fiber of my being that I could be the opposite. Ironically, during my many sessions of pot smoking, I slowly began to recognize my faults that kept me from making friends and attracting girls. In a matter of mere months I almost completely changed my personality and became this confident, funny guy that people seemed to love... but the pain was still there, and rotting at me.

I pushed myself with all my might to fix myself, so I could be happy and enjoy some of the things this life has to offer. I quit using drugs completely, I began working out, and I took some technical training courses. Over some time, I got a job doing consulting, improved my physical image, and managed to turn myself into a very respectable individual.

I thought that maybe if I had money, an active social life, and a nice car that I could be happy...

...how naive I was.

Considering I'm a 24 year old guy with the background I have (That being one of drug abuse and a failed schooling career) I manage to make over $60k a year, but the emptiness is still there. During my push to further my career, I started becoming alienated again... forgetting why I was doing all this again.

I started smoking pot again so that I could have just a little joy in my life. I had just one friend, no girlfriend, and nobody that would talk to me... so I was probably lonely. Basically, I'd wake up every morning, I'd go to work for 8-12 hours (Depending, I was a consultant) I'd go straight to the gym and work out for two hours, then I'd go home to my apartment where I lived by myself and cooked come dinner dinner. Then I'd smoke some pot while I watched TV so I could lighten my mood, and it worked.

Over time, however, the empty feeling inside me grew and grew... I hated myself more and more and I didn't know why. I was still gravely afraid of what others thought of me, and assumed that everyone I met thought I was a big joke.

I've always had a tight grip on reality, I know how irrational my fears are and can't make sense of the unhappiness I'm feeling. A while back I saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with ADD and got me on Adderral. The Adderrall seemed to help a ton! I was much happier, I could focus much easier and I could make quick decisions and cut out all my impulsive behavior, but I saw it as a crutch.

I eventually became very angry with myself and my inability to confront my father and make things right between us, since that's what I think I want the most, but I'm not sure. I'm just not sure where this feeling comes from, but I wish with every ounce of my being I could wake up one morning looking forward to my day and feeling good about myself, instead of hating myself and not believing in myself and dreading the moment I have to actually crawl out of bed and dress myself.

These psychologists just want to hop me up on all sorts of pills rather than help me face my problems. The Adderrall worked for me, but I found that I was becoming dependant on it, and that whenever I didn't take it there was absolutely NO joy in my life whatsoever, almost to the point of wanting to die.

I feel like I've been running from my problems all my life like a coward. I'm incapable of sharing with someone how I truly feel. All the people I know from work don't know me, but rather the "fake" me that I engineered to have people like me.

I tell lies about my life and my past so people won't think I'm a freak... I mainly lie about my antisocial lifestyle and tell people that I'm going out and dating girls when in actuality I'm not... I just sit all alone and get high wishing my life could be better.

When I actually do go out, I don't enjoy myself and I deeply envy all those I see that are laughing and having a good time. I'm lost... I don't know where to go from here and I fear that if I wait any more I won't be able to keep these feelings hidden any longer.

Like I said, I have a terrific job making really good money, and I fear that I'll get fired from my job because it's getting harder for me to perform. I think I need to talk to somebody but I don't know where to go, or who I can trust.

I have full medical benefits with my job, so I suppose I could go see a counselor, but what should I look for? How can I find someone that's good and who can really help me? All the last doctors and psychs. I've talked to don't seem interested in my problems at all and simply want to medicate me, but I know that all that will do is delay my breakdown.

I need to understand myself better and why I'm always feeling so unfulfilled and maybe then I can understand how to confront all of my issues so that I can have a clear conscience.

Of course, maybe I'm just weak, deluded and completely lost in my miserable little world... but I'd do anything to be able to feel real joy. I mean, I'm a very physically attractive and successful 24 year old guy and I haven't felt so much as the soft kiss of a woman (Besides my mom) in over 4, maybe 5 years.

I feel like my life is slipping away, and no matter how much material success I achieve, I'll always be this sad, scared, lonely, and desperate little boy.

Please help. I'm sorry this is so long and difficult to follow as it took me more than one sitting to write. I hope that at least someone will be able to show me the way.

Last edited by illmatix; 03-24-2004 at 06:07 PM.

 
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Old 03-24-2004, 03:32 PM   #2
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possum HB User
Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Firstly, I've read the whole post.

I fought my doctor (a GP) about going on anti-depressants again, but everything else does not work, so I'm trying ANOTHER anti-depressant after two failed attempts. Each time I wouldn't go to the doctor about my problem for years. Now I'm in my mid 30's, seperated, and broke after pouring all my money into R&D on a project, but I am beginnig to get some hope for the future (even though I don't have a job and my qualifications are outdated).

As for issues with your father, you may have to face the fact that there may be something wrong with him and you'll never patch things up.

I personally don't like therapists, but there is one thing I will consider trying called CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy) which I believe could help you aswell. If you have a good income, this will allow you to "shop around" for a good therapist.

Make certain whether you actually have ADD (i.e. get a second opinion) as taking the wrong medication is almost always counter-productive even if you think they are working. If you feel a health care professional is not giving you the attention your paying for, go see another. There are many good doctors out there, but you have to find them.

 
Old 03-24-2004, 04:58 PM   #3
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Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Wow, I think I just read my life story. Well except for the physically attractive bit. Actually my problems at home did not compare to those that I had at school. My father is actually perhaps the most significant person in my life despite some of the dissapointing actions I discovered about him and my sister. I remember oneday he and my mom had a huge fight and he was about to leave and I jumped into the car and he sped off and I was trying to convince him not to leave. He told me, son you dont know who your mother is. If it wasnt for me you wouldnt be alive. I said I know dad, I know. He said "no son you dont know because your mom tried to kill you when you were a baby. I stopped her." From that day forth I could never see my mother the same way. I dont know what actually happened or what lead her to whatever she did, I never was really given specific details but just knowing it tarnished her in my eyes. And the recent events involving my father who I held as my sole role model and someone who i looked up to has tarnished him also. I know how the actions of parents can severely affect that of their children, we seem to suffer the consequences.

Oh man, what can I say. Im basically you without the looks and the great job. I think its safe to say that the abuse your father inflicted upon you is a major source of what your going through right now. Your been dealt a great deal of mental abuse. And youve never properly healed. So now these huge scars you carry with you, trying to cover them with money, materialistic things, cars, your job, your physical features, and anything you think will make you happy. Everything you were lead to believe should make you happy. But your not.

I read a book written by a 44 year old man whose father burned his arm with a Iron. Poured hot grease from a skillet on his back because he was playing near the stove and his father wanted him to move. Abused him daily. 44 years old now and he says hes still healing and perhaps always will. Thats the unfortunate thing about it. But if you heal properly. And be able to accept that scar instead of trying to hide it from everyone. Wear it more like a badge of honor and survival. Come to terms with it. It is not going away. Your past is your past. It is what has lead you to this point. Now you have to come to a point where you have to face and accept what has happened to you, know that its not your fault. You were a child. Just a innocent child much like I was. Hurting. Unloved. So you found things to suppress your feelings with drugs and etc. Thats understandable. Right now you should suppress it with acceptance. And above anything you should never be angry at yourself for not being able to confront your father and "make things right." I dont know what you mean by making things right, but I dont know if you can ever make things right with such a indiviual. Cos it seems to me he may be incapable of even comprehending the amount of damage he has caused you.

Your not a coward. I do not believe that someone that comes to this board and expresses themselves like you have is a person I think as a coward. It takes alot to do what youve done openly. Your not weak. I dont care how strong a man is or how many muscles he has or how big he is, give him a taste of what you and I and many on this board is feeling and he will crawl up in the fetal position and beg you to take it away. Its debilitating, I know.

Sit down oneday and think about what you want out of life and the things that will make you happy and not things that you see others have that makes them happy or what youve been told should make you happy. You determine that and find that out for yourself.

You cant run anymore man. Thats what I did for years. Theres no answers that way. Theres no hope, theres no freedom from the misery. You have to go into a burning building and take back your life. I agree with possum, you have the advantage of being able to afford a quality individual and proper medication and proper help needed for your specific problems. Find someone you can connect with. You will know when youve found the right person. You will feel it. Because everything that person will say to you will make sense and that will help you get better internally. CBT, group therapy, etc. You have alot of options. You have a sack full of potatoes. Overflowing. Its time to empty it out. Dont run from yourself. The more you try to create yourself into someone your not the more your killing who you really are inside. I did the same thing. I used to tell people I was out all night at clubs when I was home alone, and I had a bunch of girls, when ive never had a gf in my life, and I used to try to change the way I talked and acted. It didnt work and it never will. I have accepted myself on the inside. And I like me. I like who I am on the inside.... The outside is another story. :/

Ill be honest, I felt a small stroke of envy when you said your physically attractive. Your chances of recovering are much greater than mine. Im not so fortunate, even if I did workout alot. lol. That is something you can definitely work to your advantage. Youll really be able to thrive once youve really dealt with your issues exstensively. Just trying to give you some extra encouragement.

Just give yourself time. Try different methods of help your comfortable with and be as open and honest as you can. Dont feel ashame. Nothing to be ashamed of. Itll help you in your quest to liberate yourself from your past demons.

 
Old 03-24-2004, 08:44 PM   #4
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Wow... first off, I gotta thank you guys for hearing me out. It really helps just having someone understand. And, honestly... just putting my feelings down and organizing them for the first time instead of dodging them in my head. I guess people can judge me or learn from me here... but at this point, I just want to make my life better.

I really can't help but feel ashamed. I'm ashamed of my whole life and the wasted opportunity I feel like I had to enjoy my life. I feel like I really have no reason to be sad... and that I'm weak for not being able to make the best of what I have. I missed countless open opportunities to engage in what could have been truly rewarding experiences.

The whole physically attractive thing has done nothing but alienate me from everybody even further. It's just a mask I wear in public. People who meet me when I'm not putting on an act think I'm this egotistical ***** who looks down on everybody. When nothing could be further from the truth. I stand in utter admiration of those who can live their lives happily... no matter their circumstances.

I don't know... I just think that I want to confront my dad. I just want to tell him everything that's on my mind, and lay all my cards on the table... but I've just never been able to. It's something I hoped to do back when I was in highschool. But somehow I was always too afraid to ever say anything.

Now it seems, as the sorrow grows and my memory gradually washes away,(Thanks in part to the continuous barrage of marijuana smoke) I'm forgetting what I even want. I don't even know what I really hope to achieve! Part of me wants to scream at him...to confront him and let him know how bad he hurt me and how much I hate him for it. But this other part of me wants to apologize for being a bad son and somehow mystically forge this loving relationship with him out of one that's been awkward and bitter for so long.

Man Apart, you told me to think about what I want out of life. I've been thinking about that alot, lately. But, no matter how hard I try, I just don't know. I don't know, and it kills me. I *think* I want lots of money, a big place, and freedom to do whatever I want... but I dread achieving all that and more only to discover I'm as empty as I ever was. Or even worse, I lose all ability to push myself any further and wind up a burned out, broke, and sad old man, with nothing but entangled, fragmented and painful memories to torment me. I know I can't let this stop me... I can't hide any longer.

I guess that's what I'll do then... seek out a counselor through my healthplan and roll the dice. If I don't like him, I'll just move on down the list. I've just gotta find out what I really want before I drive myself into the ground.

Man Apart, thanks alot bro. I think you have every bit the chance of getting better as I do. Don't think that being good looking is all that special, I used to be really ugly and goofy looking before puberty so I knew what it was like on both sides of the fence. I've learned a valuable lesson through all that in that some women may openly respond to looks, but it's truly the substance of one's character that arouses women.

 
Old 03-25-2004, 09:21 PM   #5
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

I agree with possum. Give CBT a try. I got involved in a cbt group last summer and learned how to retrain my brain through the simple exercises they taught us. My anxiety level is way lower than before. The tools teach you how to keep your thoughts from getting you all wound up and miserable. The two books we used in my group are really really good and I would recommend them both highly: Been there, done that? do this! By Sam Obitz and Mastery of your Anxiety and Panic-Third Edition by Michelle Craske and David Barlow which focusses on panic disorder which I also suffered from, but have not had a single attack since the group

 
Old 03-26-2004, 01:57 AM   #6
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

I read your entire post also. As for your father, the need to confront him is in you, but have you considered how badly it may go & how that would affect you even more?
It sounds like he may suffer from some type of mental illness, such as depression with anger management problems in there too. So, you are not confronting someone who is going to give in & say "yes son, you are right". You will probably get what you have gotten from him your whole life.
Some things cannot change & he may be one of those things. I think you need to find happiness within yourself without using the past & him to get there.

A good couselor or cbt as the others have said is a great idea. Please do not misunderstand the one that prescribed you meds. Many of us with depression have to take meds, sometimes it is chemical imbalance & cannot be corrected by just therapy. Since you say you feel that you have been unhappy since around 8 years old, it may be chemical imbalance depression. I know I've been this way since young childhood too. I am just glad that I found out about meds & that there was something to help me finally enjoy things in life.
I don't feel that the meds that we are prescribed "hop us up" as you say. They are not like " marijuana, LSD, Extacy, and Cocaine" that you describe you have taken. They are to correct an imbalance in our brains, not make us high. I don't know any person who has been on anti-depressants that say they make them feel high. They can level things out, also help to keep you from dwelling on your past & other problems that you have mentioned. Whether you choose therapy or meds or both, they will definitely help you more than you going home & smoking Marijuana on a regular basis.
Also, I'd like to suggest that you do a search on the net for symptoms of depression & also read about the disease depression. It was very helpful to me to find out all I could about it once I was diagnosed. Good luck.

 
Old 03-26-2004, 07:08 PM   #7
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

CBT, CBT, CBT I hope you give it a shot and I like the Obitz and Burns books best!

Billy
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Old 03-27-2004, 11:30 AM   #8
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by illmatix
I've always had a tight grip on reality, I know how irrational my fears are and can't make sense of the unhappiness I'm feeling. A while back I saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with ADD and got me on Adderral. The Adderrall seemed to help a ton! I was much happier, I could focus much easier and I could make quick decisions and cut out all my impulsive behavior, but I saw it as a crutch.
Hi illmatix. I, too, have read your whole post. Please don't take this the wrong way, but what's so bad abt a crutch if it's needed? If you had a broken leg, would you consider a crutch to be a bad thing? I don't think so! If you were diabetic, would you consider taking insulin a weakness? I don't think so! Sooo, how abt getting the doc to give you a refill on the med that helped you so much? Good luck! Fox

 
Old 03-27-2004, 06:08 PM   #9
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Wow, ou sound like a really neat person!! I too am a SURVIVOR of childhood abuse, albeit, a different type, I have 4 children to 3 different fathers, never married. Apparently I am attractive, but I dont see that. I know I am a failure, I hate my life, dont think much of Motherhood, and have relying on pills for 7 years now to keep some sense of reallity. Medication should go hand in hand with counselling! You do have some very deep issues about your loser of a father, it wasnt your fault he was a piece of cr**. If you saw a man treating a child like that, say next door, what would you think? He was just a weak bully. You have done well for yourself, unlike me. And at least this offers you some security, but your possesions cannot love you and support you. It sounds like you are scared to get close to anyone because you have an abnormal view of love - after all, you were told that your father loved you, but how can that be if he treated you the way he did? You are behaving very responsibly by not carrying on the cycle and having a family of your own right now, and until you get sorted this is not a wise idea. (trust ME, I know!)Its time to be selfish and cry like a big baby for your lost childhood and innocence, and learn about love and caring and healthy relationships, from an experienced counsellor. Ihave learne a lot, but, well, we are all still learning right?!

 
Old 03-28-2004, 10:13 PM   #10
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxbluff
Hi illmatix. I, too, have read your whole post. Please don't take this the wrong way, but what's so bad abt a crutch if it's needed? If you had a broken leg, would you consider a crutch to be a bad thing? I don't think so! If you were diabetic, would you consider taking insulin a weakness? I don't think so! Sooo, how abt getting the doc to give you a refill on the med that helped you so much? Good luck! Fox
Nice note Foxbluff and excellent job illustrating your point
I hope he listens to you!

Billy
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Old 03-29-2004, 11:53 AM   #11
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by billy7772
Nice note Foxbluff and excellent job illustrating your point
I hope he listens to you!

Billy
Wow! You've made my day! Thank you. This is the first time one of my replies has been rewarded with a bouncing something that looks like a cheerleading frog!

illmatix, please keep posting & let us know how the new job is going.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 05:49 PM   #12
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxbluff
Wow! You've made my day! Thank you. This is the first time one of my replies has been rewarded with a bouncing something that looks like a cheerleading frog!

illmatix, please keep posting & let us know how the new job is going.

Fox-
Now you have made my day in returen by being so thankful


I'm sure you will receive plenty more of them on here too

Take care!

Billy
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Old 06-01-2004, 07:00 AM   #13
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Illmatrix, you need a good councelor. I'm having trouble finding the same thing myself. I reluctantly went on antidepressants and yeah, they make you feel somewhat better but you become aware that the issues are still there and usually you're just ignoring them. There is a considerable amount of damage that has been done to you. When something traumatic happens to you especially during those "weird early teen angst ridden years no matter what's going on" it can stick. I lost my mother at 14 and spent years feeling like this sad little girl who just wanted to talk to her mother. It was holding me back, making me feel bitter. My father is and always has been emotionally unavailable. I finally had my outburst one day at him. I told him he only cared about superficial things and screamed at him for never being a "real" father. At first, I felt really guilty. And he was really confussed. I don't know if my message ever sank in with him, but on some level I felt better, satisfied. I have a friend who was sexually abused by her father when she was a child. She went to him on his death bed because she knew it was her last chance. She let him have it. He stole her childhood, gave her undescribable baggage, this sounding familiar? Okay, now having said that I feel that there's some bit of sympathy for people like my friend's father and yours. To think that someone comes to a point in there life that this behavior is acceptable. They are both very sad people. Life failed them in some way. It's very likely that your father was verbally and physically abused himself. This was the norm for childhood in his disturbed mind. I'm a teacher in an inner city school system. When something happens to a student and I become aware of it, I feel a hatred for humanity that I never new existed. Not to mention what's happening in Iraq. I have to remind myself that these people don't understand right and wrong. But before this kind of sympathy (and I'm not saying you will or should ever understand him) can happen. I think that you, illmatrix, need to get MAD. You've got to get it out. Stop hating yourself, hate your father, he was a jerk. Maybe once you establish this you can begin a healing process. And by all means, don't allow him to continue ruining you. He has wasted enough of your time and energy. Don't allow him to take you down any further, he's just not worth it. And I'm proud of you for coming as far as you have. You sound like a very strong person.
Sorry this responce was so long, I tend to get passionate about these matters.

 
Old 06-02-2004, 08:25 PM   #14
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Well.. its strange to read the exact things i go through. Your post affected me alot. Most of the time i hate life. I force myself to go out and have "fun" which usually means smoking alot of pot and getting drunk. If i find a girl itll be a one night thing. Most I cant stand, and the ones that I like alot I find that I cant keep them around for fear of seeing ME. the me that hates myself and does not want to wake up tomorrow. The thing is, the only thing i have is tomorrow. If there was a terrorist attack (god forbid) or any other drastic event, id hate to miss it. Thats messed up thinking I guess looking at it. Anyway, docs put me on meds and I feel like i will have to be on them forever just to feel the blank slate i feel now which is little better. At least when I felt bad i felt SOMETHING. I'm trying to get alot of excercise now and try to change things around like that. I'm weaning off the drugs and alcohol and trying to do something new. there has to be something better around the corner because I've felt the bottom already. It HAS to be better one damn day. That's all i hope for. Just keep in there. Theres alot of people who actually care . Even if you don't know them face to face.

 
Old 06-16-2004, 11:49 AM   #15
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Re: I'm losing my will to keep on going... where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by janesblues
Illmatrix, you need a good councelor. I'm having trouble finding the same thing myself.
Hi Janesblues-
Try and find a good CBT specialist. Many universities offer CBT programs for little or no charge
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