You don't have to reply to this thread, nor even read it if it's not interesting. I'm just posting this to explain why I had such a bad day, because I mentioned it on a different thread, but didn't want to go into details about it there.
I found out today that a certain job fair I have been waiting patiently for for the past year is not even going to happen this year. It's all about budgeting and lack of positions. What this means to me is that I may have to move myself and my two young daughters out of state. I tried and failed to get a job in my field last hiring season, so I did other things for a year in hopes that this new hiring season would be better. I can already see it is going to be worse. So I may have to go where the jobs are.
My husband (soon to be ex-husband) hardly makes enough money to support himself. He has indicated to me that he would not consider moving because all of his connections for his chosen profession are here. He feels he is too deeply rooted. (He has been trying to build up a business base for himself here with mixed success, but some gradual improvement over time.)
Just so you all know, my divorcing him is not because of his unwillingness to relocate.
That brings me to the other thing that upset me today. My therapist and I had a dismal conversation today. Unfortunately I can't tell you all about the nature of it, because it's too delicate a subject (trust me on this), and this is not an appropriate place for it. It had to do with something in my soon to be ex's past and it is very hard to stomache.
In short, I am in a very complicated, very dismal sort of situation, and it's hard for me to tolerate thinking about what I may have to do. I may have to take my daughter out of her school and community where she has started her roots, move both daughters away from their beloved Grandparents, and even from their beloved Father. I'm sorry I can't explain this all more fully, but there is nothing any of you can really say to help me anyway. It's the old "I made my bed..." situation. We'll go on. We'll persevere. It's just that my life is going to continue to be harder than I ever imagined it would.
(((((BIGHUG))))) Gena. Your right. You will go on and you will perserve. Cos your one of the strongest person I have ever known and I dont even have to meet you to know that. You ecourage me so much. I wish so badly I was half as resilant as you. Just half as strong. I know the situation currently before you seems insurmountable. But its hard for me to believe anything could ever defeat you. Not even a stab in a back.
Your priority is to yourself and your children and to provide them the best life you can provide fo ryourself and for them and not carry the dead weight of negative people in your life and allow them to hold you back.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. I know youve heard that before. You make the necessary adjustments in your life. It may seem like your on a different course and the waves seem rockier. But it is still in the right direction. Never trust the future. I think anyone would tell you, never rely, wait and depend on one single thing cos if it doesnt come through you have nothing to fall back on.
I wish I could help more. :'(. You given me so much hope and encouragement. I wish I could return the favor in its entirety. My heart goes out to you right now. My friend. The only reason we appreciate the good in life is cos life is so bad. Were here for you despite the limited setting. My best wishes to you and your family. Only the strong survive. And your as strong as they come.
you, gena, post a thread and not have manny and frinkle reply? unheard of! hahahaha. sorry, i felt as though i should start this off with a joke, since you seem like you need a good laugh right now.
i can't seem to find the words to express what i want to say to you. i wish i knew more about your situation, so i knew exactly how to console and advise you. but it's perfectly ok that you are shy or just don't feel comfortable sharing that here; there are personal matters we all have that we don't want to broadcast to the world. but even though i'm not totally sure what you are going through, or even how to relate to you, please know that i am here. you, me and manny are a wonderful suport system to each other. i look forward every day to hearing updates on everyone's lives and how everyone is hanging in. gena, if you ever feel like sharing, know that you have at least two sets of ears willing to hear. and if you don't that's cool too. we're still here for you. you deserve a big hug, and i hope that things work out for you and your daughters.
Thanks soooo much, guys. I needed that. By-the-way Manny, the quote abouth the sails is new to me. I actually havn't heard that one- but I LOVE it. It reminds me of the song, Simple Gifts, when it goes: to turn, turn will be our delight 'til by turning, turning we come 'round right. It's all very applicable to my situation.
I guess the main reason it's so hard for me to talk about the conversation with my therapist is because I feel ashamed, because I just realized what a state of denial I have been in. I knew when I started displaying all of the crazy symptoms of variuos sorts: the recurring extreme bouts vomiting, the insomnia, the depression, the chronic hives... that they had to be a manifestation of something that was really troubling me at a deep level. Now I think I have finally put it all together.
My soon to be ex came out to me- at the insistence of his sisters- a couple of years ago (probably about the time the symptoms started) that he had sexually molested three of his youngest sisters. It all occurred around the time that he was about 17, 18 years old.
The more I think about it now, the more I can't believe I didn't leave him then.
I feel like I'm living a nightmare. How could I fail to address this for so long? How could I shut it out of my mind? What am I going to do? I've been married, for the last 5 years to a creepy, slimey, child-harming, messed up, damaged human being. He's a child-harmer- the exact opposite of what I stand for.
Iíve been allowing a low-life to share a roof with myself and my daughters. I guess my vision of a normal life with two happy kids and a house and a Father for my children was so strong that it blinded me. But thatís no excuse. I failed to think and act and do what was right. The chance came up for me to make a hard decision and do the right thing and I failed. Iím a failure in just about every sense- in just about every matter of importance.
Gena. My god, you are not a failure. You have failed noone. Not your children, not your marriage and certainly not your life. I doubt there are many people that would have broken up a marriage and a family hearing something even as awful as that just instantly. Especially if you had strong feelings for that person at the time and your both living together and relying on each other.
Man I cant believe how much I can relate to so many on this board. When I first discovered this board I was so embarrassed and tenative to talk about my issues cos I didnt think anyone was going through the samethings I was and I felt like I was just the biggest loser and people would laugh at me. In a different topic, I talked about certain actions that my father has done throughout my life that I recently found out about that tarnish him in my eyes. He and my sister have been invovled with each other sexually for a long time. And I failed to really realize it cos I was, like you trying to deny the little hints I would pick up. Id still him rubbing lotion on her, or massaging her shoulders. And even the majorly obvious things like when I saw them kissing. Granted I was a child and it was hard fo rme to comprehend what I was seeing. I thought it was just affection or something I guess. As I grew up I just tried to suppress it out of my mind and and hope the memory of it faded. I didnt want to make sense of it or think of my father and sister in that way. I loved them. I love my family I only wanted to think of them as perfect. People who I look up to and depend on.
That was until, about a year ago. I was in my room, sleeping. My father had came in the room and checked to see if I was asleep. He called my name out several times. I didnt move. I dont remember why. I think I was just really depressed at the time and I didnt want to move. He left and shut my door. A few mins later I just got up. i wasnt able to sleep and stuff. I came out of the room and walked down the hall towards the living room. I dont want to talk about anything beyond that. Dont want to be graphic. Dont want to upset myself. All the years of denial just hit me all at once in that one moment. Its a image I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I had to bear the burden of telling my mother when she got off work. Cos they didnt want to. They tried to come up with every reason for me not to tell her. "Oh mom is going to throw us out, she will hurt us or herself, your going to break up the family, we need to stick together." My father is a preacher. Its funny what you said about preachers and holy men hiding behind the cross using it to conceal who and what they really are. My father tried to tell me that satan was trying to get in him and he almost made a mistake but, thank god you came and stopped us son, your a blessing to me. You saved us from sin and blah blah.
I always maintained a belief in God through my father. Not anymore. I couldnt be any further from God. I think I was able to stay strong because of my mother. And just how strong she was able to remain :'(, cos she told me she wanted to be strong for me. When I told her, we went into her bedroom and I just hugged her. Sat on the bed. We talked and she was able to keep herself composed. She told me she wasnt going to kick them out on the street. Her husband and her child. She just choose compassion for them I guess. I dont know if it was the right decision but I told her I would be with her no matter what happens. But as if things couldnt get any worst, 2 days later, she had a stroke.
Ive suffered alot of abuse in my life. Alot of pain. There was no other single pain in my life that could compare to seeing my mother's face partially paralyzed. You know I was never really that close with her unto we had to gone through that moment. And depsite alot of things my father has told me about her that I dont know is really true or not. I love her now more than ever.
I still live under the same roof with all of them. Its just the 4 of us. I dont even consider us a family. More like 4 roomates that put up with each other. Of course when bad things happen like when I was in the hospital after attempting suicide or birthdays and holidays come up, we will all come together mainly cos it seems like were forcing ourselves to. I know I live in a toxic enviroment right now that isnt helping my depression. But they are my family. I still love them. And If I dont have them, I truly do not have anyone.
Yes the life that you desired for yourself an dyour kids blinded you. Doesnt mean your a failure. SOmetimes it takes getting completely smacked over the head with something for us to realize it is damaging us. And im going to say this an dI want you to listen to me carefully. ... You do not have to redeem yourself in any way shape or form! Dont confuse denying a problem with ignoring it. If you now choose to ignore the problem then you are definitely at fault. Never too late to do the right thing.
Um another thing that has become DISTURBINGLY COMMON on this board are the desputes everyone is having with incompetent therapists. I do not appreciate your therapist making you feel even worst about things. God, everybody wants to be Dr. Phil now.
((((Hug)))) I hope you feel better today. Just take it easy. Dont beat yourself up and get so wrapped up in guilt. You and the word failure will never be compatible in my eyes. You two do not make a good couple. I think many on this board who care would agree.
man and gena. wow, i really don't know what to say to either of you. unfortunately i cannot relate to either of your situations, but i guess in a way that is a good thing. man, i am so sorry to hear about your family situation. i wish there was something i could do to make it better. if i could, i would buy you a house so you could move out and be on your own and get away from that unhealthy situation. and gena, i really don't know what to say to you, other than i am proud of you for getting out of that situation and making sure that your daughters are safe. i know you wish you could have had that ideal life, including a father figure for your daughters, but you need to do what is best for you and them, and i think you are doing the right thing. i wish you all the luck in the world. i really don't know what else to say, other than you know i am always here for you both, to listen, to give advice, and to just be a support for both of you. my love is with you both.
I have read a few of your replies to different people,and in my personal opinion,you sound a very caring person.Everyone has made what they deem a mistake,but that is because at the end of the day we are only human.You will get through this rough time (you certainly deserve too).Don't look too punish yourself anymore for something that isn't your fault.You were in a situation where you believed your daughters were happy and secure,it was their father who committed the crime not you.Look to the future,not to the past and just do the best that you can.You sound a very loving and caring mother-that is a very important quality.So please don't think you have failed your daughters,as long as you continue to be there for them and love them,they will be fine.My situation is different from yours,but i can relate to the pain and fear of feeling that the blame lies with you and you alone.Do whatever you have to do and go wherever you have to go to make life better and a bit easier,your daughters will adjust-children do.I wish you luck and hope things improve for the better.You are in my thoughts,good luck.xxx
OMG, Man. All the thoughts are just racing through my head. I am not sure where to start.
It seems, sometimes, like people are inexplicably drawn together. You go along because you are just mysteriously compelled, and then one day you realize there was a reason for it.
I still don't know where to begin...
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I know I live in a toxic enviroment right now that isnt helping my depression.
This is the key issue in my mind- for both you and your sister. I'm afraid that from the sounds of it, your Father has an extreme mental illness. I'm so sorry. I have to tell you, although you probably know this deep down, that what your Father has been doing is illegal and greatly damaging to you AND your sister. Not to mention your poor Mom. Even if she [your sister] seems to go along with it- what she has experienced is repeated, severe sexual abuse (from the sound of it). And I can tell you right off the bat that for a father to engage in prolonged kissing with his daughter is highly inappropriate in itself. If I EVER saw my husband doing something like that to one of my daughters, I would have him locked up immediately.
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I didnt want to make sense of it or think of my father and sister in that way. I loved them. I love my family I only wanted to think of them as perfect. People who I look up to and depend on.
Although, we both know, from first-hand experience about the extraordinary effects of such emotional trauma. It causes denial and suppression, even when you know that something is wrong deep down. It looks like none of us are immune to it. This suppression is extremely unhealthy to you as it is to anyone else who has been suppressing.
Originally Posted by Man Apart
But they are my family. I still love them. And If I dont have them, I truly do not have anyone.
You can always love them. But that love isnít at odds with taking the responsibility to do what is right here. Iím going to tell you what I told my daughter last night. We had a talk about the kinds of things that are sexually inappropriate and what she should do if it ever happens to her. I said that if anyone ever touches any of the parts on her body that are covered by a bikini, even if that person is her own Dad, then that is improper touching. I said that if anyone- male or female- ever touches her improperly, then that is a person whom she cannot trust. That person will have abused her trust and, therefore, nothing that that person says or does can be trusted. I told her that if that ever happens to her, she should tell an adult who she can trust.
Your situation adds another dimension to these rules that I would have never considered. You did tell someone whom you thought of as a trustworthy adult- your Mother- and she was affected by the trauma in the same way that you and I have experienced. It just adds up to one thing. You have to tell someone outside of the family. A trusted person. Someone who wonít suffer the same reaction. Someone who will act in the best interest of all involved. There must be some resources in your area for finding a specialist in these specific kinds of cases. You canít keep bearing the burden of all this on your own.
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I was a child and it was hard for me to comprehend what I was seeing.
Manny, you are just a victim in this. That's what makes it so hard for you to have the strength to carry on with what you have to do. You have been hurt and victimized again and again. I think that you have stood strong, though, through the test of character that has (for some reason) fallen on your shoulders. Too many people, when faced with such odds, cave in and begin hurting yet other people. Donít forget that you were just a child when this all began, and this is not something that a child can be expected to understand. Because you were so young at the onset of all this, I think you have grown up having had some warped examples set for you. Which is why human resilience will never cease to amaze me. Your resilience through all this, and your ability to find your way through it are really amazing. I hope you know that.
I am going to look up some more information, so I can- hopefully- help you find your way to the guidance and support your going to need. This Healthboard is only one thing. You need even more support than we can even give you, ďin this limited environmentĒ- as you pointed out before.
I think we have both helped each other to open up and learn some things about ourselves.
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Hey gang. Me again. Hey Gena. Hope ya holding up ok. Thank you once again for your kindness. I must apologize though. I did not want to deflect any of the attention from your situation. This is your thread and I want everyone to give you as much support as we can. I just wanted to share my expereince and the current situation I live under that has contributed to alot of my misery. I thought it was relevant and I express anything that I can relate to with others.
In response to you, I know living here affects me negatively. But I dont have much of a choice right now. In the state Im in I just wouldnt be able to move out. Its really that bad. Maybe that will change in a few months. But right now Im entering the most critical point in my life. Summertime is always the hardest time of the year for me. I miss out on so many beautiful days. Envious of seeing people out enjoying the sun being active, on beaches, etc. And just im in this room all day every day. Im going to need my family for support. But ultimately soon, sometime this year or next, I know im going to have to leave even against the wishes of my mother. She is adamant about me not leaving her alone cos she feels like im the only person she can talk to and trust.
My sister is another issue. She doesnt want to leave. She is 38 and has never been on her own. And I know their relationship hasnt ended just because I caught them. Theyre not going to stop after carrying on this relationship for years and years. Theyre, sadly, and sickeningly, in love.
Despite promising my mom it would not go outside this house. I had to talk about it. The only person I ever told was my therapist. And I talked about it a bit in group therapy and I have on this board. You know it does hurt and it affects me but, I honestly cant even deal with the issue properly or am really in a position to deal with it until I can deal with my more pressing issues. Like my depression, my recent suicide attempts, my anxiety, trying to hold on to my sanity, cos Im racing against a hourglass that is quickly running out of sand.
I hate to go against anything you say. I dont find myself as a resilient person. I have crumbled over the years. Thats why I sit in my room, afraid, out of the reach of people that can hurt me, out of the sight of people that can judge or make fun of me, I hide from anything and everything I deem could cause me to be depressed or cause me anxiety. Im not really facing my family with this issue. Ive kind of went along with them sweeping it under the rug and pretending nothing happened. But oneday when I do have the strength I will.
Dont worry about me and my situation. I want you to continue to focus and the things you have to do to better your situation and that of your children. Its not your fault. You can never say youve failed if you are doing the best you can. And that is all anyone would ever ask of you.
I dont think they allow any contact or email information on this board to be exchanged sadly. Were all "crazy" so to speak so It wouldnt be in their best interest to allow it, I guess to protect the people on the board. There are many things I find difficult, embarrassing, and gut wrenching to talk about and post in such a public setting but, I will because I promised I would be as open, honest, and raw as I can be and share my pain and experiences reguardless to what the content is and how painful opening up the woulds would be. If you do want to pass along any information like that I advise you to consult with the moderators first.
I still wanted to tell ya about the other day, although since youve been down lately ive found it inappropriate to talk about right now. Plus the intial excitement and joy I had is kind of escaping me right now. Just want to pass on as much encouragement as I can. Much like Frinky, its not much I can say or do, just want you to know we wish you the best. You show so much compassion towards us, i want you to show the same for yourself. Keep us up to date.
Where the **** (insert four letter inappropriate foul swear word) did this come from?
I thought I missed something so I read the whole post again, but I'm can't work out where this conclusion is derived from. Was there something in the original post you removed?
What your husband did will follow him till his dying day (and some will say after that aswell). I also think it's inexcusable that he didn't mention this before you got married, especially if he's spent time in prison. But that is in the past.
Teens (13 - 15 year olds) tend to be "very" curious about sexual matters and end up doing all kinds of mischief to themselves and others. Society, especially religious circles, tends to frown upon teaching young people how to control their sexual urges. We are taught appropriate sexual behaviour, that is: "DON'T DO ANTYTHING", and left with little more than that. Once we get to our later teens we are expected to have everything under control, but for many, the curiousity has increased to a point where people do stupid things without thinking. The high amount of men in prison for rape and single mothers in their teens is a clear indication nothing will be changing anytime soon.
On the other hand, if people didn't change, and learn from their mistakes, we would not bother letting people out of prisons.
If I was in your situation I would certainly want to be certain that my children were safe from their father.
The place to start, in my opinion, is by talking with you ex-husbands sisters. Get their viewpoint. If they can forgive him ...
******, I'm so sorry for all your pain! I'm glad you opened up to us here. P-l-e-a-s-e believe me when I say that you have done nothing wrong and should not blame yourself in any way, shape, or form! By not being honest w/you abt his past before marrying, he made you a victim. You've done nothing wrong! Please know that I'm sending you warm thoughts and best wishes w/the decisions you're having to face now. Fox