EVERYDAY SUNDAY

I have everything going for me at this moment but I feel sad inside and I can just make myself cry out of sadness.

I had two episodes of major depressions ever since I started work and here is a bit of my history for all of you to get a clearer picture before u advise me.

My two major depressions were caused by my job resignations as a result of work politics. I worked very hard in my jobs and it has been twice since I was constructively executed by my adversaries /peers. Both occured when I was promoted to a senior position in both the companies.

As a result, I ended up as a car salesman now. From high corporate flyer in my two ex- companies, I was brought down to earth and contemplated suicide.

I was unemployed for almost two years since my last job because I was suicidal. The suicidal thoughts kept running in my mind and all I wanted to do was to die. I wanted to leap in front of a train and get crushed or jump off the building. I went to numerous 'docs' who prescribed me so many anti-depressants that I have practically taken every type of pill in the market but none worked.

According to my psychologist & psychiatrists, what i was going through was 'reactional' depression.but it was no consolation to me that my depression was not due to the fact that I am not chemically imbalanced and that it was caused as a result of a major loss.

My whole life was ruined when I resigned and I practically laid in bed for more than seven months, waking up only to eat and to ease myself. I wanted to die so badly that if it wasn't for my aged parents, I would have committed suicide.

After two years, I accepted the fact that my career is in ruins and I took up a job as a car salesman. I did well in the car line but I was never happy. But I recovered from depression and life went on.

A year passed and I wanted to get back into the corporate world. I submitted more than 30 applications and I only obtained three interviews and I received no news after the interview. That was when my deep sadness crept in. I feel so down that I burst in tears when I was alone. I didnt know what to do cos I couldn't see any future or any light at all. I was so lost that only God knew how I felt. The mental anguish that I faced was so strong that all I wanted to do was to sleep sleep and sleep. So I practically stop performing in my car sales job.

Now here's the twist.

I managed to get a job back in the corporate world that pays well and I dont know why I am still sad. In fact, my depressions was caused by the perceived destruction of my career but why am I still feeling so down when my problem is solved? As i type, I feel like bursting into tears cos I'm very sad inside BUT I dunno why I'm sad cos there is no more job issue anymore.

Can anyone tell me why am I feeling like this?