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Old 03-27-2004, 05:31 AM   #1
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Splink HB User
Question How to get someone to get help?

Hi, I have a 28 yr. old nephew who has never had a job and over the last year or so has gotten progressively more of a hermit. He is very smart and a good guy, no drugs, no alcohol. He does stutter, which is what we have always used as his excuse for not getting out in the world. He has no friends, never really has and never goes out of his house unless his mother makes him go food shopping for her. He has no motivation to do anything. I keep trying to get him to go to councelling and see that he might have a problem with depression or anxiety. He has no strong emotions about anything. He just laughs me off and says he is not depressed, he just hasn't found the perfect job yet. I go over to wake him up when I can and try to get him to do things.I have tried everything from begging him to go for help to threatening. I don't know what else to do. His mother suffers from depression and never discusses anything and doesn't think he needs any help, but is frustrated over his unemployment. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can get him to just try councelling? I can't stand to see him wasting his life away. Help!!!
Thanks and sorry so long.

 
Old 03-27-2004, 10:51 PM   #2
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lori j HB User
Re: How to get someone to get help?

Pray!! Beyond that, it sounds like you've done all you can, you cannot force someone to seek help and he sounds like he's in denial. His mother is also in denial, but it's likely he has depression if she does.

 
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Old 03-28-2004, 08:48 AM   #3
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Well, I know this much. Your nephew has something really good going for him...he's got you! I don't know what or how many problems he might be having, but, like you, I defininitely believe depression is one of them! By the way, I think it was clever of you to come to this board for help on your nephew's behalf. I can only think of one suggestion that you haven't already tried: Perhaps you could go to a website regarding depression & printout some of the literature/articles, etc. that describe the symptoms & treatments for depression. Then, if your nephew has access to the internet, suggest that he try visiting a depression discussion brd. I think he will be able to relate to the posts and the posters. Best of luck. Fox

 
Old 03-28-2004, 09:43 AM   #4
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

The concern for your nephew is understandable, however his behavior may be the result of something others can't understand. He sounds like a sensitive person. Contrary to the brain washing we're given, this is a positive quality in a person. Maybe he picks up on the the general insensitivity and apathy when he goes out among others and is probably frustrated by it. I'm just attempting to understand his point of view becuse I'm a hermit myself. Quite honesty, the mindless conformity, superficial attitudes, lack of ethics, and carelessness makes me understand that I'm not missing much. Even if you're one of those "winners" in the rat race, you're still just a rat.

 
Old 03-28-2004, 11:27 AM   #5
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

IsolatedOne, I hear you! I'm a firm believer that we're very sensitive people...perhaps oversensitive?!? However, I want us to strive to be an active part of life, to feel less pain, to actually enjoy life sometimes.....It's not like the bad things in life go away if we hide ourselves away. I, for one, think we need more sensitive, caring people like yourself "out there in the mix" to help balance things!

 
Old 03-28-2004, 11:37 AM   #6
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

That's a nice thought, Fox but I'm afraid the balance is far too much in favor of the insensitive "I've got mine" mentality. In this society, sensitive thinking people are cast aside and become nothing but road kill on the highway of life.

 
Old 03-28-2004, 12:39 PM   #7
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by isolated one
That's a nice thought, Fox but I'm afraid the balance is far too much in favor of the insensitive "I've got mine" mentality. In this society, sensitive thinking people are cast aside and become nothing but road kill on the highway of life.
Thank you all for the replies. While I agree with Isolated one, I, as a sensitive caring person, prefer to not let the insensitve people control my world and have all the fun!! Here's a little quote that I really like.....People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight. Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. If you do good today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you;ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
As far as my nephew goes, I have purchased the book Depression for Dummies(don;t know about the title but it is very informative and seems like it could help). I am going to give it to him and see if he wants to go over it with me instead of a councellor right now. I also have the book, Introverts, surviving in an extrovert world, which I personally liked, which helped me to see myself as just as valuable as all those extroverts out there getting all the attention. I personally think we sensitive introverts are great!!! I don't suffer from depression, but I try to always look for the positive in all situations and know that I am being taken care of by a higher power. I hope and pray you all and my nephew find peace and happiness. Thank you for your help!!!!

Last edited by Splink; 03-28-2004 at 12:41 PM.

 
Old 03-28-2004, 10:33 PM   #8
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Splink
Thank you all for the replies. While I agree with Isolated one, I, as a sensitive caring person, prefer to not let the insensitve people control my world and have all the fun!! Here's a little quote that I really like.....People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight. Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. If you do good today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give the world the best you;ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
As far as my nephew goes, I have purchased the book Depression for Dummies(don;t know about the title but it is very informative and seems like it could help). I am going to give it to him and see if he wants to go over it with me instead of a councellor right now. I also have the book, Introverts, surviving in an extrovert world, which I personally liked, which helped me to see myself as just as valuable as all those extroverts out there getting all the attention. I personally think we sensitive introverts are great!!! I don't suffer from depression, but I try to always look for the positive in all situations and know that I am being taken care of by a higher power. I hope and pray you all and my nephew find peace and happiness. Thank you for your help!!!!
That's always a tough one splink. I'm a big fan of CBT which is much different than traditional therapy. It is based on learning how to think objectively rather than trying to fix your past. It gave me my life back and in a remarkably short period of time. CBT gives you the tools to help yourself and the amount of success you achieve depends on you and your efforts. You could even help him do the exercises and may even get some benefit out of it too. My favorite introductory book on CBT is "Been There, Done That? Do This!" by Sam Obitz. It's a really short and simple book inspirationally written and may even motivate him some as it is written from the point of view of someone who suffered anxiety depression and panic attacks for most of his life. If it does motivate him many ubniversities offer CBT programs for little or no charge. Good luck!

Billy
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Old 03-29-2004, 05:28 AM   #9
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Thanks, I have been looking for that book but can't seem to find it anywhere. In the "Depression for Dummies" book there is info on CBT also. I am still trying to get him to see he has a problem. He has no emotions about anything, happy or sad. I can never tell what he is thinking or feeling and I am pretty sensitive to that in others.I want him to get either really mad at me for this or excited about it or excited about anything. I recognize that no emotions is a symptom of depression, but in our family(my siblings and parents, not my family with my husband and kids) there is never any discussion of feelings or emotions. There really is never any talk of anything important to life and relationships. I am the weird, emotional, positive one who really can't be around my old family too much as they depress me. I am trying to get my nephew to see that emotions and love and feelings are good and expressing oneself is necessary for mental health. I had to learn this years ago in councelling and have changed my life. A councellor had asked me if I was depressed and I said "I don't know" because I never thought of my own feelings. I just pretended that I had none, nothing got me too angry and I was never too close to anyone. A few monthes of councelling and tons of reading made me realize I was missing out on so much in life, even though I had all the trapppings of a good life. My husband and 4 kids and I have an emotionally fulfilling and happy life. I probably could have gone on forever in my former state had I not gone to councelling only on the suggestion of a friend that I trusted. I really didn't believe I had anything wrong in my life. I keep trying to talk of these things to my nephew, trying to get him to see that he is missing out on life. I will keep trying, doing anything and everything I can, I see too much potential there. Plus I love him to death because he is such a kind, gentle soul and deserves a fullfilling life! Does the no strong emotions thing mean anything to anybody and is there a way to get them back?

 
Old 03-29-2004, 11:50 PM   #10
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

I got involved in a cbt group last summer and learned how to retrain my brain through the simple exercises they taught us. My anxiety level is way lower than before and my energy level and motivation have made a 180 degree turn The tools teach you how to keep your thoughts from getting you all wound up and miserable. We used the Been there, done that? do this! book By Sam Obitz in my group it is really good and short and inspirational. I believe you can only get it direct on the internet through the publishers website. I'm sure you can google the authors name or book title and find it.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 04:08 AM   #11
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Good news!! Yesterday he admitted to me that he does have a problem with anxiety. He is scared to get a job or go out because he hates to talk to people because of his stuttering. He said that even the thought of it makes him stressed out. He said he will read the book and possibly look into professional help. I am going to go over the book with him and hopefully get him a copy of the Sam Orbitz book. I think he is finally realizing that this is something that just won't go away and that he does need to get a job and get on with his life!

 
Old 03-30-2004, 04:55 AM   #12
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Isolated and Fox: we are, sensitivepeople", I too am so fed up with all the "injustices in this world and People Using people. Relationships have used me, neighbors, etc. and yes I know, one can not be a door mat unless one lays down, but also we are "good kind people" so we are always giving...
We do need to go out there, "mix" spread our goodness! Just be careful not to get Used! Give advise and kind words and then go away... It seems every time I offer kind words to someone I have a "leach on me", people tend to prey on kindness, because we all need it. We are the lucky we already have it!!! we are kind, others have to take it from people like us!!! So lets be happy with the blessings of goodness we have and shed the light on the ones who don't but watch your back in the meantime!!! Lately I've not held my tongue when it comes to "injustice" I make a point of calling people on it! Like the local cops here; they had the nerve to set a "speed trap" right after a toll booth in a local beach park!! All the families and kids just coming out for the day of fun were getting warnings and tickets for "speeding" c'mon 28 mhp in a 10 mhp?? I saw the cruiser sitting there and had nothing to hide, but still got pulled over? I could not believe thats how my tax dollars are being spent? I called the local station and complained but guess that's how they want to make money...very sad, with all the crime this is how our police force spends a sunny Sunday afternoon So my last days on this earth how many numbered , will be to bring attention to the injustic in this world! If more of us would step up to the plate it may be a better place to live? Hey its better than taking the abuse makes you feel better trying to make a difference.
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Last edited by cardinal; 03-30-2004 at 05:01 AM.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 06:18 AM   #13
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

surely that is why the police are catching people those who speed: lots of children around. If one were knocked down by a car travelling at 30mph, it is almost certain death, however, if the car was going 10 mph they have a very good chance of survival.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 07:43 AM   #14
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Cardinal, I can so relate to what you said. There are people out there getting away with serious crimes all the time but the minor violations are those which receive the most punishment. Speaking about the police, we have them sitting in our parking lots and giving out tickets left and right to people who don't come to a complete stop yet, on the next block, crack is being sold to children. Talk about injustice. It's frustrating to see how people actually believe there's a genuine "war on drugs". I also question the sincerity of their "war on terrorism". For example, an 80 year old woman is searched and found to have nail clippers in her carry on case before boarding an aircraft and her name then goes on file in some database. Treating every American citizen like a suspected criminal is something the founders of this country would be outraged over. Those who have the power to give us our "so called" freedom also have the power to take it away. Anyway, sorry for seeming to get off topic but this all goes back to what Cardinal said about the lack of balance when it comes to fairness. Maybe thinking too much can result in depression? The problem is, there are too many out there who aren't thinking enough.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 05:45 PM   #15
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Re: How to get someone to get help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Splink
Good news!! Yesterday he admitted to me that he does have a problem with anxiety. He is scared to get a job or go out because he hates to talk to people because of his stuttering. He said that even the thought of it makes him stressed out. He said he will read the book and possibly look into professional help. I am going to go over the book with him and hopefully get him a copy of the Sam Orbitz book. I think he is finally realizing that this is something that just won't go away and that he does need to get a job and get on with his life!
Splink-
That is excellent news! I'm am very happy for you and for him too. I wish I had a parent like you when I was a kid I think he will really like the Obitz book as it is so simple and from a sufferer's POV unlike most books so it is easy to relate to and the tools really work especially the TEA form. Take care and keep us posted on his progress

Billy
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Don't expect anyone to help you, if you won't help yourself!

 
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