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Old 03-29-2004, 10:23 AM   #1
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Man Apart HB User
Unhappy Hurting

(sigh)............... (Breathing)........(Crying)....... silent. Eyes wondering around my room. These walls are far too familar. Despite the paint covering what I wrote, I know what is on these walls. When back in october I picked up a red marker and I wrote my life and at that time what would be my last words to my family. My mom told me she didnt even read it all after I was rushed to the hospital. She already knew what it said. The last line of it was all she needed to know. She told me she wouldnt have even been able to, cos just walking into my room seeing it was unbearable.

(sigh)...... My anxiety has captured me.....(Breathing)..... I take deep breaths like this to somehow suppress it. Suppress everything thats inside. The pain. The torture. The constant anguish Im under. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. On edge. You know the feeling, when your about to fall. Everything, is about to fall apart. Your eyes are wide open. You take a quick deep breath. You brace yourself. That what I feel now. The panic.

I watched my parakeet die. I was not home to see his last breath. Before I left for work he was staggering. I couldnt help him. I folded a pillow case and placed it in his cage under him so he could lay on something soft. It was the only time ever that he did not squawk after picking him up. I could feel his life fading. I didnt want to see him die. He was one of my best friends for years. I covered the cage with a towel and went to work. When I came home he had died of course. His eyes were still open.......(crying)....... I thought about all the days I used to listen to him sing. I would find bird sounds on the computer and play them and listen to him correspond. Almost like listening to a symphony. Now, my days are more slient than ever before. But, sometimes, I can still hear the symphony in my head.

(Breathing)........(watching)........(wa iting)...... My heart is throbbing. It is angry. It is starving. It is hungry. It has been denied for so long. It has been crushed so many times. Permenantly broken. With every beat, it begs me to feed it. Find love. Find happiness. Escape this state of misery. Now. Or soon, I will beat no longer. As I can not continue to pump blood rich with fear, sadness, misery, anger, lonliness, jealousy, envy, anguish, and pain.

(breathing).......(gazing)....... I am not strong. You need strength to lift away the weight of world and all of its evil. All of the things you face. I am not beautiful. You need beauty to find serenity in oneself. To attract. To feel worthwhile. To feel loved. To be loved. I a not confident. You need confidence to break down the walls of fear. You walk tall. To take risks. To challenge yourself. To conquer. I am not intelligent. You need intelligence to expand your knowledge. Broaden your outlook. Know who you are. And who are around you. Cleverness and brilliance would be 2nd nature. I am nothing. I am deaf. I am blind. I am ugly. I am dumb. I am fearful. I am crippled.

(sigh)....(breathing)..... I see the shadows of death. They seduce me. They offer me a escape from the suffering. They want me to follow them. So many nights. I want them to carry me away. Take me away from this world. Why have I denied them for so long. Why do I look back before they carry me away. They ask me why. "Why do you hold on to this world. Why do you hold on to your suffering. Why did you call 911. Why did you put down the knife. Why did you throw up the pills." I told them. Because, I am waiting. They ask me, what am I waiting for. "What are you waiting for that is worth so much pain?" I said. Im waiting for that day. The day of hope. The day the dark clouds will part. The day I shall feel the sun again. They said, "There is no such day here in hell. There is no day to wait for. You can not believe in such a day. It will never exist"..........(breathing).........(cry ing).......... But there.....(crying)...... has... to be...... that day. They say "no, there will not. You would not be hurting today if you believe that day will come. You are hurting, because you know there will never be, that day."

(breathing).....(breathing).........(cry ing).......(breathing)......... (waiting).

 
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Old 03-29-2004, 03:15 PM   #2
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Katyana HB User
Re: Hurting

I'm sorry for your loss

 
Old 03-29-2004, 03:45 PM   #3
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Hurting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyana
I'm sorry for your loss

My loss? You referring to my bird? I am not sad because I lost my bird. Thats nothing to be sorry about, I am not.

My loss. If your referring to my life. That is something Im deeply sadden about. Im truly sorry for that. But thanks, either way.

 
Old 03-29-2004, 03:56 PM   #4
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Re: Hurting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
My loss? You referring to my bird? I am not sad because I lost my bird. Thats nothing to be sorry about, I am not.

My loss. If your referring to my life. That is something Im deeply sadden about. Im truly sorry for that. But thanks, either way.

Wow great post it was very touchy, but I am wondering why are you so sadden? I do understand you are going through anxiety, but why are you so sadden?

 
Old 03-29-2004, 06:34 PM   #5
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possum HB User
Re: Hurting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyana
I'm sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss aswell.

I have a (large) parrot which is very common in the country I live in (yep, that's right, I'm not from continental America). It's a love hate relationship. My brother bought it for about US$40 and I've spent hundreds in vet bills cutting out cancers because my brother didn't look after it properly.

Since my wife left, he is my only company and he whines, sulks and complains (very loudly) all the time, especially when other parrots of the same species can be heard nearby.

Think carefully before you get another pet and don't rush into buy another one.

 
Old 03-29-2004, 06:39 PM   #6
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Re: Hurting

you couldn't stop me, i had to read this post, especially after you said you didn't want me to read it. so here i am. normally i would be offering you words of advice and i would be trying to comfort you in any way i knew how, but today is not that day. i just feel lousy and don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. so i'm sorry i can't be more of a help to you, man apart, i have to deal with helping myself first. i seem to have taken a step back in my journey towards getting better, and i don't know when i will be able to step forward again. we'll see what my counselor says when i see him on friday. if i make it that far. until later,
frinkle

 
Old 03-29-2004, 07:21 PM   #7
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Hurting

For some reason I regret mentioning my parakeet. Seem to have taken away from the seriousness of what I wrote. I forget why I post when I feel so hopeless and morbid. It never really seems to help.

I understand Merfrinkle. Just like you said, today is not, "that day." But I hope you feel better and everything works out ok.

Eightball, I could a book and title it "why i am sadden." Dont feel like getting into it right now. Im sorry. Too much to explain. It just, doesnt really matter anymore. I dont really matter to anyone, or anything.

 
Old 03-29-2004, 09:38 PM   #8
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Re: Hurting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
For some reason I regret mentioning my parakeet. Seem to have taken away from the seriousness of what I wrote. I forget why I post when I feel so hopeless and morbid. It never really seems to help.

I understand Merfrinkle. Just like you said, today is not, "that day." But I hope you feel better and everything works out ok.

Eightball, I could a book and title it "why i am sadden." Dont feel like getting into it right now. Im sorry. Too much to explain. It just, doesnt really matter anymore. I dont really matter to anyone, or anything.
Hi Man Apart,
You've never heard from me before--because I don't post much, but you matter to me. Yes, that's right. Although I am a complete stranger to you, you have touched me profoundly with your words. That might not matter to you right now, because you are in the depths of your own private hell, but please know there are people out there that are touched to the depths of their heart because of your eloquent words. I wish more than anything for you to pull out of your despair--I feel like I can touch your tears. Loneliness is hell on earth--it seeps into every cell and destroys will. Please, please, please, keep going, keep fighting, keep hoping--for you will find that sliver of opportunity to slip out of despairs grasp. Yes, Man Apart. You matter very much, indeed.

holst

 
Old 03-30-2004, 12:04 AM   #9
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Re: Hurting

Quote:
Originally Posted by holst
Hi Man Apart,
You've never heard from me before--because I don't post much, but you matter to me. Yes, that's right. Although I am a complete stranger to you, you have touched me profoundly with your words. That might not matter to you right now, because you are in the depths of your own private hell, but please know there are people out there that are touched to the depths of their heart because of your eloquent words. I wish more than anything for you to pull out of your despair--I feel like I can touch your tears. Loneliness is hell on earth--it seeps into every cell and destroys will. Please, please, please, keep going, keep fighting, keep hoping--for you will find that sliver of opportunity to slip out of despairs grasp. Yes, Man Apart. You matter very much, indeed.

holst

Thank you so much Holst. I can only hope to hear from you more. It always helps when I can absorb some compassion from people, even just one senstence. It helps. I feel better because of it. I try to find hope in every corner, crack, or hole. I admit, I do not like when I show this painful side. I usually am more comfortable just sharing and trying to help encourage others. But sometimes, its much too hard to bottle inside.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 12:56 AM   #10
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Re: Hurting

Man Apart,
I've been reading your posts too and you have alot to offer this world.
Just like you, I'm better at giving than receiving help, but opening up and letting your hurt "breathe" takes the power out of it.
As you know, thinking too much is not healthy. When we keep problems in our head, we have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills.
Sometimes an answer you seek can be much more simple than it appears....
We are the ones who complicate our lives. We are our own worst critics.
You have alot of talent, don't squander it, by beating yourself up over things that are not as important in the long run. The happiness you seek will slowly come to you when you are kind to yourself and appreciate your good qualities, rather than picking apart any flaws you perceive to have.
My best to you.
Football Fan

 
Old 03-30-2004, 03:48 AM   #11
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Re: Hurting

Hey Man Apart, I must confess that I too have been reading your posts quite frequently. I checked this website a couple of weeks ago and read one of your threads and once I began reading I couldn't stop. I think I read all of the threads you started in one sitting. I was just fascinated and I was reading for the better part of an hour. since then I've checked in at least once a day to see how your doing and get my "maddhatter update." I wanted so badly to post something but I didn't know what to say. Plus you seemed to be getting such great advice from Gena, Frinkie and the bunch that I didn't want to chime in with my two cents if I didn't have something helpful to add. But I think I do now. I hope I do, at least.

You remind me a lot of the way that I used to be a couple of years ago. I thought I looked hideous (hated looking into the mirror but at the same time I was oddly drawn to them, hoping in vain, I guess, to find an angle or lighting or whatever that would make me look a little better, hoping maybe this time I would look different--never worked of course) and I was right, I did. I was overweight, 210 at 6'0" but I was ridiculously flabby with no muscle, so I looked much heavier than that, I had horrible cystic acne, I'm not kidding, probably 20 big red zits on my face at a time, all the time. I was sickly pale, my hair was a big, bushy mess, I usually wore 10 year old little league tee-shirts with holes in them and pit stains, ugly faded jeans with bleach stains (because I didn't know how to do my laundry properly). I was in awful shape Madd, I'm not kidding you. My self-esteem was so low, I never left my apartment because I didn't want to have to face other people, I was lonely, depressed, and I didn't think I would ever find a way out. I lived in, literally, a 90 square foot basement apartment in Hollywood, possibly the vainest city in the whole friggin country. I was fortunate to have a couple of pretty good friends, and they would come over a couple of times a week to try to cheer me up and get me to leave the apt, but I always refused. As lonely as I was in my 90 square foot apt, the idea of going out and facing the critical eye of strangers was too intimidating. At 21 not only was I a virgin, but I had never kissed a girl or even been on a date. Hell, I could only remember a handful of conversations that I had with girls at all, because any time I got around a girl I liked I immediately felt as though she was judging me based on how I looked, etc, and I just couldn't tolerate it, it drove me nuts, so I gave up.

Eventually I got to the point where you seem to be at now. I said "I never expect to look like Brad Pitt, but if I could just get to the point where I felt like a regular human being, maybe I could give myself a shot at meeting someone and being happy." So I made a mental note of everything about myself I wanted to change, everything I was capable of changing at least, and set out to do just that. There were so many changes I knew I had to make that thinking of the list became intimidating, so I just focused on one thing at a time, and threw myself into that one thing, becoming obsessed with it. First was the weight.

I researched weight loss (on these boards actually) and then set a diet and exercise routine for myself which I stuck with religiously. I was pretty much at my breaking point, so not eating a couple of cheeseburgers or a bowl of ice cream before bed seemed like a small sacrifice I could stand to make. I began running once a day, for as long as I physically could. I began slow, just a mile or ten minutes, and then gradually increased that over time. Over the summer I went from 210 to 160 pounds, which was a little more than I really wanted to lose. Let me tell you Madd, once you begin to see even small improvements the rest becomes so much easier. You get very encouraged by the results. After that I researched acne stuff, again on these boards, and took accutane for 3 months which got rid of 90 percent of my acne, then I began taking vitamins and other stuff to get rid of the rest. Again, I was completely obsessed with just this one thing until I was finally happy with my skin, then I moved on to the next thing. I saved some money and went shopping with my friend, and got a whole new wardrobe, then burned a trashbag of my old smelly tee-shirts and bleach stained jeans. After that I began tanning, started styling my bushy, frizzy, unmanageable hair, and then I started lifting weights, and after about 4 months I was able to add 20 pounds of muscle to my scrawny 160 pound frame.

It took a little over a year to completely change myself, but Madd, if you have the patience I know you can do it. I wish like hell that we weren't living in such a vain, superficial world but the fact of the matter is we are.
If you feel like you can't be happy in this world with your appearance the way it is, then I applaud you for taking the first step and trying to change that, as you've said your trying to do. If you can just get to the point where your at least moderately pleased with your appearance,a nd you gain a little confidence, that will show through more than anything else.

There's nothing you can do about your ethnicity, which you've stated a number of times is something you feel is a problem, but this is the 21st century, and I have to believe that in these times most *enlightened* women would not have a problem with that, whatever your ethnicity is. And if that is a problem for her then to hell with her, you don't need that kind of person in your life anyway. It should make you feel a little better that you have had at least a couple of girls, even if you werent interested in them, show some sort of interest in you. Before I began trying to change my appearance, nobody, not a single girl ever showed any interest in me. And as far as personality is concerned, your miles ahead of where I was. I've been reading your posts, like I said, for the previous two weeks or so and despite what you say you seem to be a very intelligent guy. On top of that, your extremely compassionate and you seem like a genuinely thoughtful, kind-hearted person. Just look at the way you strive to help all these other people when you yourself are going through so much pain. If you could just get to the point where you are somewhat pleased with your overall appearance, and you built up your confidnce a little, and you got out there and met someone (which I know you will be able to do), oh my god, with everything else you have to offer your going to make some girl so happy!

 
Old 03-30-2004, 03:49 AM   #12
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Re: Hurting

(CONT'D)

Granted I have never seen you, but I can't imagine you could possibly be much less attractive than I was. I'm certainly not a great looking guy now by any stretch of my imagination, but I would say that I am average looking, at least not physically appauling and offensive like I used to be. And that was all I ever wanted, just like you. Just to not be such a damn eyesore, and to at least have enough confidence to live a normal life, to go out without feeling so damn self-conscious all the time, and to actually carry on a conversation with a person without having a near panic attack. Just work on the things you have control over, take them one step at a time so it doesn't feel so overwhelming, and just do whatever you have to to improve those things. When your done you may not look like Denzel Washington but I guarantee you it will be worth it. At least then you'll be able to face society without feeling so ashamed of yourself, as I did.


I had some friends over the other day and I had a tape of myself from like three years ago, and they persuaded me into watching it with them. I sat there for 20 minutes watching myself and it almost brought tears to my eyes, because I remembered how completely, utterly miserable I was, how depressed I was because of my appauling physical appearance. My friends were laughing hysterically of course, but I just sat in silence, entranced by my memories of how I was back then, how completely trapped and hopeless I felt. I think that maybe that's why I was so drawn to your posts when I began reading, why I couldn't stop reading that night, and why I've been reading for the past two weeks. You seem so much like me Madd, so similar to the person I used to be.

I pretty much isolated myself from the rest of society while I was working on all that, because I didn't want any unnecessary distractions, but over the last year or so I've become so much more social than I used to be. I've gone out with four or five girls, feel completely comfortable now hanging out with friends. My social phobia has almost entirely gone away. A couple of years ago I wouldn't have even had the ability to post on these boards, even though it's anonymous. That's how bad my social anxiety was. A lot of people on these boards talk about how important medication is, and they suggest you go on these pills or those. And that's great for most people, most people respond well to some medication or another, it's just a matter of finding the right one. But for guys like you and I Madd, I just don't think that's the answer. I don't know about yourself, but I know I didn't have a chemical imbalance that could've been treated with a med. I knew where my problem was, why I was so depressed all the time. And I think you do as well. now all you have to do is dedicate yourself to making those necessary improvements so that hopefully then you can live a reasonably happy, healthy life. You said you already lost 116 pounds once, oh my god, that's amazing!! You should've been on Oprah for that! If you've done it once, I'm sure you can lose one third of that, get down to a healthier weight, maybe then you can start working out and tone yourself up, maybe get some new clothes, maybe improve your skin condition. I would check the "acne" page on this board, they have tons and tons of info, not just on acne but on improving skin pigment, scarring, ruddy complexion, etc. They have a lot of people who have tried different stuff and can help you find some creams or medications that could improve that problem. I would also check the "exercise and fitness" page to get some advice on losing weight and toning up. Of course, if you've already lost a lot of weight before I doubt you need any advice on that this time around.

Hahahah, LMAO, I just looked at my clock and it's almost 5 in the morning here, I've been writing now for almost an hour. Sorry to write such a ridiculously long post. I just wanted to write to you and let you know that there's someone out there who completely understands how you feel, someone who can relate wholeheartedly to your struggle and your depression, someone who's been where you are now and felt what your feeling. And someone who cares. A lot of people who care actually, from the looks of it. Frinkie and Gena seem to be very insightful people who have a lot of really good advice to give. I've wanted to write to you for the longest time now, I just never knew exactly what to say, and I thought it would be better to just keep silent until I knew what I wanted to write about.

I hope this finds you well, and I hope to talk with you soon, I'm sure I'll be on tomorrow to get another "maddhatter update."

Take care,
Randy

 
Old 03-30-2004, 03:58 AM   #13
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Re: Hurting

Good lord, I'm so long-winded that I had to break my "novel" up into two different sections because I couldn't fit it all in one post. I had to edit myself for a bulletin board. that's scary. Next time I post I promise to be more O. Henry and less Stephen King.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 07:39 AM   #14
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Hurting

RPM. I am grateful you finally replied. Anything you want to say is meaningful to me. I thank you for sharing your experience and giving me courage. Before I go on I just needed to say that there is a very critical reason why I changed my name. And as you see I do not mention it much at all. If you look under my old name you will see why. The more inconspicuous I am the better. I cannot afford to lose my place on this board. It is my only outlet and I have grown dependant on it. So, from now on it will be your "Man Apart" update. lol.

I want to congradulate you for your accomplishment. It brings me so much encouragement and hope to see someone who was in my situation to be able to live normally again. You are where I was, and want to be now. I like you dedicated my life and went from 316lbs to 198lbs. But it only took one person though to remind me of who I really am and I utterly fell apart again and gained 80lbs within 7 months. Since then Ive gotten myself down to around 230. My goal is to just see 198 again. That will be some moment. Just to see 198. I dont even want to pass it and be 197. I will intentionally gain a lbs just so I can see 198 on the scale again. It will mean so much.

Alot of my motivation came from when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I remember the morning my doctor called and told me to rush to the hospital. My blood sugar was nearing 700. I was on the verge of a diabetic coma. When I saw my family around my hospital bed, it gave me all the motivation i needed at the time. Just feeling the love from them.

Im just like you. I really dont think I have a chemical inbalance. Im just lonely. lol. And Im bitter and depressed about my life. Its excrutiating. But Im actually better at this moment. Mainly because I received a letter by email from someone I talked about in a previous thread. And right when I am sitting around dwelling about giving up on this person, the person is seemingly calling out for me to write back. And right now Ive decided to take a few mins and write something to her. Im not done with it yet. I dont even know what to say. I just, I dont know. It just, she seems like a illusion. Illusions never form into something real. I cant describe how beautiful she is inside and out. Hard for me to know what she sees in me. Thats why I cannot open my heart and be invovled. Cos this is one mirage that could kill my heart permenantly.

Thank you again. I can only hope you will end your silence and reply more often. We seem to have alot in common. It would be nice to hear from you again. I hope you take care. Live free my friend. Dont worry too much about me. I know I get a little too Stephen King myself and can be very morbid but, Ill be fine. Soon I will find my serenity.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 10:16 AM   #15
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Re: Hurting

hi manny! i didn't have time to read the whole posts that you and RPM have written (i'll read them later when i have time), but i did want to say something quickly. i'm writing a fictional story for one of my classes and i was trying to think of names for my characters, so i decided to call them manny and gena. don't worry, the story is not about you two, i just wanted to pay you homage. thought that might cheer you up a bit. anyway i have to finish this story before my class, i'll post later with updates (i'm feeling much better). hope you have a great day!
frinky

 
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