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Old 03-29-2004, 07:13 PM   #1
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PrimalSympathy HB User
Unhappy Help Someone Now Now Now Now

My mind and my heart and breaking up. I have had so many emotional problems througout my life, depression, bi polar, bulimia, severe insomnia , social withdraw, isolation,cutting, suicidal thoughts, been on every anti depressant imaginable. I am now 20 years old, still suffering from depression, bulimia, I have no friends because I withdrew from High school and studied at home due to fear of social situations and depression. Needless to say, I never learned how to "live." I dont know how to go about my days, work and eat and sleep and be happy like other people. When I was 19, the nicest guy came into my life, my current boyfriend Chris. I thought and still think he was a gift from God, because I was close to giving up and never seeing what Love was when he came into my life, and was kinder and more caring than any man will ever be in my life. We now live together in a city where I know no one but him, where I have no family, and am completely dependant on him, unable to work due to my depression and health problems. God knows I have but him through hell, and why? I hurt the only person I have, because I have blamed him for ALL of my problems, because I was angry that I had to move away from my family. I am agry at him because I thought that since we were in love, my problems would go away. I thought I would be happy. He was supposed to be my rescuer. And he has not an can not be and shouldn't HAVE to be. And I am so angry!!!! Chris and I are SO different, different backgrounds, different interests, different beliefs, that we known it won't work long term but we are so in love and I need him for my survival so much that I can not leave, for if I left him and I fall to pieces and check myself into a hospital. Yet everyday I live with the knowledge that sooner or later, we will be apart, and I will go home to no friends and no job and being alone night and day and every second without him, without anyone, and I simply can NOT face that again! How do I go on with my life when the one I love I have lost because of our differences, when we are still in love? How can I ever face all of this when I should probably be in a mental hospital if we break up? God knows I won't be happy living here with him for years and years to come, but I would be less happy without him. God knows at 20 years old he doesn't need a half psychotic depressive girlfriend he thinks is a snob half the time because she thinks she is better than the depressing town we live in. God knows he doesnt need a girl wanting to get married because she is so desperate for stability and just a promise that there is something to keep me from falling apart. I am angry at him for not being able to give me the life I want, and want the life I want. I am agry at him because I am not well. I am angry at him for not being 25 and stable and financially secure and willing and able to take me far away from all of this, when he is really simply a boy barely out of high school with health problems himself trying to make enough money to live and support a girlfriend like a husband, and he is working at a career he hates and he can do such much More but he has been beaten down by life and cheated, like myself, out of what we really want. Love is not grand. Love is a burden, for when the person you love is gone, the love lingers with you for the rest of your life. My situation reminds me exactly of the Natalie Wood movie Splendor in the grass, if anyone has seen it. The girl and the boy fall in love, but are ripped apart, she tries to kill herself and ends up in a hospital for years, he eventually becomes a mere farmer and marries a farm girl far below Natalie wood in all ways, she marries a doctor, but there know they will never be truly happy, because their love never got a chance because life simply got in the way. I will cheat anyone I am with after Chris, because I will never be able to give him my entire heart. I am sorry this is so rambling but I am very upset. If anyone can write me just for the company please do.
Thanks,
Angela

 
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Old 03-29-2004, 09:42 PM   #2
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possum HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

If you are bi-polar, then you shouldn't be getting treatment for depression. This will only make matters worse.

You sound like your very isolated and lonely. While the internet is good to find information, having only online relationships can make you feel even more isolated over time.

Your writing style are hardly ramblings. It is a prime example of a "stream of consciousness" where you write what you think and feel.

To me it seems you are assuming a lot about what your boyfriend thinks and feels.

You really should talk to your boyfriend when your calm to get rid of any unrealistic thoughts you currently have. If you can do some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) I think you could greatly benefit (but I am no expert).

An old saying I often quote: Love is not two people looking at each other. Love is two people looking in the same direction.

I don't know how accurate this saying is, but it could help you think about why you are actually with your boyfriend. The fact that you are together NOW is the most important thing of all.

While what your feeling is very painful, it could be a very unrealistic view of your relationship with your boyfriend that you have created within your own mind. Rather than confront your boyfriend with a barrage of questions, please see a GP and have a chat with him first.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 05:13 PM   #3
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Genabeena HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

Quote:
Originally Posted by possum
An old saying I often quote: Love is not two people looking at each other. Love is two people looking in the same direction.
I do love this quote- so true- simple, but very deep with meaning. That really says it all.

Angela, I think that in order to really be happy, your going to need to stop looking to your boyfriend and instead look within yourself. You may find help in the form of therapy, medications, etc., but the real growth has to come from finding that kernal of the essence of who you really are. I think that's where we find our strength and the desire to take our place in this world.

Become your own separate, strong person and then the two of you will both be looking in the same direction (perhaps towards your future together). You are so young. There is so much potential for a good life. You can write your own life story.

You're still discovering who you are, so take the time to explore it- meditate on it. Don't rush it- just try to have faith that it will come to you.

 
Old 03-30-2004, 08:09 PM   #4
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PrimalSympathy HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

Thank you BOTH SO MUCH for the replies. I can't tell you what it means to me that perfect strangers far away care what happens to me and others. I got my bloodwork back today and guess what? My cortisol levels are 19, on a normal scale of 2-9, which could be causing a lot of my symptoms since I was 12. I begged doctors to do a thorough workup on me for years, they all said that cortisol didn't matter, and here cortisol was the ONLY think wrong in my blood work, can cause depression, insomnia, stomache fat, irritability, all of which I have. If this can fix even 5% of my problems, I will be in better shape. It just makes me sick when people suffer from diseases, physical or mental or both, for years when there is something else going on internally to cause their problems that the doctors have overlooked or just plain ignored.
I am sick over my lost time and all of my youth was used up by pain. (wow, that was so self pitying...)

 
Old 03-30-2004, 08:36 PM   #5
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possum HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrimalSympathy
I am sick over my lost time and all of my youth was used up by pain. (wow, that was so self pitying...)
I've lost more years than you've been alive, and I'm not the worst case. This is a very negative view on what could fester into crippling emotional upheaval.

I've had a few anomalies in some of my blood test (I've had many) but they seem to disappear on their own (in my case). Basically you need to take a holistic approach over many tests (not just blood tests) over a period of time (say one to two years).

I know this may sound like a long time, but this is due to your very young age. Try to remember that tests and doctor visits are very short and have little impact on your life, providing you don't mentally or emotionally dwell on them.

Unfortunately you have only taken the first steps on what may be a long journey, but even the longest journey ALWAYS starts with a single step ... (please don't be discouraged) now it's time to take the next step.

 
Old 03-31-2004, 08:35 AM   #6
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PrimalSympathy HB User
Unhappy Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

Thank you for your kind words =) In many ways, the journey to getting well is too long and hard for me to face. I just wish I was 25, and had been through it all already, and was more settled and happy in marriage and career. The only thing I can say to myself to keep myself going is, would you rather go back or go forward? There is going to be much grief in my journey to getting well, but isn't that better than continuously reliving the grief of my past? As far as the blood tests and the hight cortisol levels, I am thinking this may be something major, for when I was 12 I started getting ill constantly, and the depression followed immediately and the anxiety, and then followed the fatigue and stomache problems. Until then, there was nothing wrong with me, and I was a happy and emotionally stable child. Since then I have been pumped full of anti depressants, anti anxiety drugs, sleeping pills, mood stabliziers, drugs for IBS, therapy, shrinks, Nothing helping, especially the fatigue. Lord, I don't know anymore. Maybe I am just wishing for a quick fix.

 
Old 04-06-2004, 04:29 PM   #7
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Genabeena HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

I think your on the right track. It sounds like you are very smart, and that will go a long way for you. Asking yourself things like, "would you rather go back or forward?" is just the ticket.

It sure sounds like you have been through a lot. If it's at all reassuring to you, there are a lot of stories I've heard of people recovering and persevering through some amazing feats. So, although it may feel like you're running in place sometimes, one day, you may suddenly look behind you and say, "hey, how did I get so far ahead?"

 
Old 04-07-2004, 03:31 AM   #8
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lori j HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

Angela, I suppose you do not have insurance, but get yourself to the county health department & insist on some help. There is help for you, you are distorting the facts in your mind do to the bi-polar. Maybe if you get yourself well, you can work on the differences between you & Chris. If there is a will, there is a way. Like Genabeena said, look into finding the happiness inside you & it will come out & make your life with Chris much better. Your negativity comes from your disease, get some therapy & meds & you will think much differently. Don't let this go on for years, i, like possum, have lost more years than you've been alive too, had I known what was wrong with me, I'd have been to doctors a lot sooner for help. Up until 7 years ago, I was never happy, always looked to a mate to make me happy. Thankfully, my husband stayed with me & once I found help, I realized the hell I had put him thru all these years. I always had an emptiness inside me that I looked to others to fill, whatever that is, the meds have helped & I don't have that anymore & I can be happy. Do not sit around each day & NOT do anything, look for help, it's out there.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 05:08 PM   #9
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pinupchk HB User
Re: Help Someone Now Now Now Now

Wow, I have so much to tell you that I feel this reply won't do my thoughts justice. I know how you feel. I was the same way this summer. Very depressed, suicidal, eating problems, in a new relationship with a guy that is perfect for me, and yet, I wasn't happy. I got so angry with him for not being able to fix my problems and I got so frustrated that I was doing that to him.
I have lived in this city for almost 4 years after moving here from the east coast right after highschool. I have virtually no friends here, and it hurts so bad. It hurts knowing that for a long long time I was relying on my b/f to give me the answers, depending on him to help me, thinking that as long as I was with him, I will be ok, I will get better. I was lying to myself, and hurting him and our relationship. Please don't let that happen to you. You have the power to change your future, you just have to believe in yourself and have blind faith that in the end, no matter what the situation is, you will live a happy and beautiful life.
Don't think that you and he shouldn't be together. I mean, try not to think SO negatively, becasue if you do, only negative things will happen. Trust me on that. My whole life I thought negative, and now I have realized that if I go into everyday thinking with an optimistic mind, that most likely good things will happen. It's all mind control. It doesnt matter that the two of you have different hobbies, beliefs, etc.. The fact that you have found someone to share your life with is amazing, and most people live their whole life without truly being in love. Think about that everyday. Think about how much you love him and how much he loves you, and whatever happens, is meant to happen. You have no idea that the two of you will break up, you are assuming, and believe me, that is suicide. Just try to go with the flow and trust in the fact that every little thing happens for a reason. Bad things happen for a reason, they do. I was with a horrible guy for a year and a half. He verbally abused me, degraded me, it was a nightmare. And now, I look back on it, and am thankful everyday that what happened betweeen us happened. If it didn't I wouldn't be the person I am today. I went through all the bad times to get to a better place.
Also, what helps me all the time is to write my feelings down. Even if it only makes sense to me, it helps SO much. Try to write down what has happened to you in your life, and try to figure out why you do the thigns you do, and how to change them. Seek therapy, seek guidance from your doctor, and realize that you are a wonderful person, and if you think positively, good things will happen to you. There are people out there that will talk to you and help you through the things you are battling. If you need to talk, I am here to listen. <333

 
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