i'm going to start keeping track of my moods. today we focused on how my mood fluctuates a lot. my psychologist asked me if it's more between mildly depressed yet still functioning and very depressed or between very depressed and happy... i told her the latter. because i do feel genuinely happy at times, though it's usually the result of some external stimulus.
during the sessions, i do most of the talking. she'll ask me a question and i come up with an answer and support for it. today we were discussing how i generally feel unhappy with myself and she asked well what do you think makes people realize at some point whether or not they're happy with who they are. i replied, probably the feedback they receive from others [parents, peers, etc] because what people think of you becomes so crucial to how you view yourself. in essence, you end up becoming what you're seen as, not who you really are or who you feel you are. and i started thinking about my childhood. i mean, ignoring the environment i was raised in and even the separation fiasco and the subsequent trauma... like, in school, i was always picked on because i was so short and skinny 'ew, you're worse than the girls in somolia' and even later in high school [and camp..] i was pretty damn flat for a long time. [of course now i'm a tad fat heh] i was also teased for being very smart and in MG [mentally gifted--we had special classes] and understood things most children could not, emotionally and intellectually. kids are malicious as hell. the way you're perceived has such an influence on how you perceive yourself! and i'd like to think, in fact sometimes i convince myself, that i'm not concerned about the opinion of society and whatnot. however, when you're so young and you're physically and mentally still developing, it's so significant.
i then told my bf about my session.
i only got up to the part where we were discussing how i feel unhappy with myself and how i got picked on for being short and skinny always being very smart and in gifted classes and how i may think that affects me to this day. he said "oh, you were short, skinny, and in gifted classes? you had it comin!"
HE would've picked on me then. heck, he should've seen me when i had all that stuff plus braces and glasses.
he says, babe, come on now, look at you--you're a knock-out! but no i don't feel like a knock-out and i never will. i still feel like that vulnerable, unsure, short, skinny, rejected dork.
by saying that i had it coming, it made me feel... like i deserved it.
i hate the world. what a freekin cruel place.
even the one that loves me...
taking my self-injury habits into consideration, they're not as bad as they once were. i'm no longer at the point where i'm taking a knife to my skin, but i wouldn't say i've completely healed that issue yet. i'm very careless with my body, i still find cuts and bruises all over my body. for some reason i feel like i hold something against it, like it's caused me so much angst throughout my entire life...
i just really feel like nobody cares about me.
i guess my boyfriend does--he's desperately trying to understand me, but then look at what he said--plus i don't think anyone will ever be able to understand me 100%. even if i tell them every single thing that's happened to me in my course of life. it just doesn't come close to actually experiencing it first-hand. while i don't think it's necessary to understand someone to care for them, maybe it helps.
i don't know i just feel very very very lonely and i ask why do i feel so alone when i have 'true love' right in front of me. i guess it's just something within myself i have to fix. it's so hard, though, to look inside yourself and relive everything and try to heal it. i feel so much pain already and i'm not even close to starting the healing process. it's even more difficult since i don't like people to think/know that i'm struggling with my life at all.
luckily, people don't know the real me. i refuse to let them see the true weakness that exists within me because when i exhibited such a quality earlier in my life, my vulnerability was taken advantage of. i don't want that to happen ever again. yet it's so funny because i don't think i act fake or anything. i just limit the scope people have of my personality.
please tell me there's somebody out there who thinks like me... who sees the world as i do...
I'm proud of you taking the steps to deal with issues that have hurt you for so long. It's sobering to find out that we are our own worst enemies by continuing the torment that others have started.
I don't know why we do it, but finding ways to separate those thoughts are the best things that will allow us to LIVE.
The feelings you're experiencing now during therapy are normal. Feelings that have been covered by self-hate will come out and you will be flooded by confused thoughts and beliefs and feelings.
You aren't alone, but we deal with our low self esteems in different ways. People and their unkind manners and comments don't help.
There is a book called "The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander" by Barbara Colorosso. I suggest you purchase or get it from the library. Ask your boyfriend to read it also. He will gain much insight.
No one deserves to be picked on because of their differences. People who do it are weak in their own self-esteem, and your boyfriend to comment that may have said it in jest, but believe that he did feel a twinge of low self-esteem to even say it.
Learning all perspectives in a situation will help your healing. We all have our motivations for actions, and all are feeling based.
It all takes time. Please know you are strong to find and accept the truths. Life is painful.
Trust yourself to go the distance to get to the REAL you. It'll be the most worth it thing you'll ever do.
Best to you,
It's all a matter of perspective!
Why would you let other people dictate how you feel about yourself and take away from your quality of life and happiness.Why would you let them have so much power over you, they obviously don't deserve it. Be strong in yourself, don't let anyone take away your power. You decide what is important for you. There are so many mean people out there that will try to bring you down, you cannot allow them to do that to you, you don't deserve it. Get angry. Stand up for yourself. Know in your heart that you are a wonderful deserving person and don't let jerks take that away from you!!!!!
probably the feedback they receive from others [parents, peers, etc] because what people think of you becomes so crucial to how you view yourself. in essence, you end up becoming what you're seen as, not who you really are or who you feel you are
I hope you've grown out of this, as it's a very well documented self-destructive thought process leading to emotional turmoil.
grown out of it...? it's not like i'm exactly mentally inept here. i'm just struggling. that's the whole issue here. i realize i have a problem... trying to fix it.
underground is for underground hip-hop. 666... i actually used to be satanic. [sometimes it's good to believe in something if you find it difficult to do so with yourself.] but hey at least you could say i grew out of that.
i actually used to be satanic. [sometimes it's good to believe in something if you find it difficult to do so with yourself.]
Satanic can mean VERY different things to people, depending which perspective you take it from ... fashion, religion, music, etc.
The help you need to control these thoughts is with CBT (Congnitive Behavioural Therapy).
IF (and I mean IF) you have a chemical imbalance (which is also possible and nothing to be ashamed of) you will also need an anti-depressant, of which there a many, but only one or two will work (hopefully). The first step is to see your GP.
Mr designer, if your fashion is so good, why do you need expensive models?
anyway it's impossible to undo the past and completely change the way you view yourself. becomes ingrained after so long. for me at least.
Not impossible at all if you have the tools to do it.... I did it after struggling for most of my life and in a remarkably short amount of time. Listen to Possum and get involved in CBT. You will be skeptical it will help you just like I was and probably just about everyone else but if you give it a chance it will change your life. My favorite starter book on cbt is "been there, done that? Do this! By sam obitz and if you're serious many universities offer cbt programs for little or no charge.
P.S. The back of the Obitz book says in big lettering on the top "You CAN change your future, but not your past!"
Don't expect anyone to help you, if you won't help yourself!