| | Depression or Quarter Life Crisis? (or both?)
Where do I even start? I am here because I am looking for some clarity and some help re-focusing some of my behavior recently.
I am 23 years old and have had one depressive episode in my life about three years ago. I was on Celexa for 6 months, and greatly improved.
Three months ago I moved to New York City, and I am feeling confused and bewildered about almost everything in my life. What am I supposed to be doing with myself? I walk the fine line of envy and panic every day here, as I am surrounded by people who have so much and poeple who have so little. I want everything the wealthy people have - and I want it effortlessly, the way it appears their whole lives are. And yet, even thinking about having all that makes me feel guilty because the whole world is mired in inequality and unfairness.
I feel a bit lonely, but haven't met anyone special I want to be with. I have wonderful friends, but still feel something is missing.
I don't have a lot of sexual experience, and lately find myself wanting to sleep with every attractive man I see. I will post ads online just to get men to respond and then won't reply or let it get any farther. Last night, I did that and wound up following through. I slept with a guy I don't know and don't imagine I will ever hear from again.
Today I am torn. I feel as though I should feel guilty and slimy. I had a one night stand, after all - and that's not something anyone I know would approve of or expect from me. And yet I am also somewhat pleased with myself. I wanted to have sex and I got it. Today I am still the same person I was yesterday and feel like the anonymous encounter didn't detract from who I am, but rather reaffirmed it.
Despite the fact that I slept with a stranger, I am still the same girl who loves all the same books, and music and movies she loved before it happened. I still enjoy the same things. I am the same person, and I love it.
This leaves me with just a little bit of embarrasment that some man out there thinks I'm a ****. But even that feels almost insignificant as the odds of my running into him ever again are slim.
In fact, it's something I want to do again. I want to know more about sex and havent met anyone with whom I want a relationship.
I am worried that perhaps this all sounds crazy and may be indicative of some sort of manic/depressive behavior. I have a history of mild OCD and trichotillomania as well.
I would appreciate some advice on what to do with myself, or if it sounds like I need help.
Thanks for your time.