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Old 04-02-2004, 04:28 PM   #1
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emily_1990 HB User
Parents

Hi

I don't know if I'm depressed. A lot of people tell me I am. But I guess people can say a lot of things, it doesnt make them true.

I lack the motivation to do anything, I feel constantly lonely, unwanted, un needed, misunderstood. I feel, that by being who I am, I ruin the live of all of those who know me. My dad's out so much, why else would he be out unless it was because he oculdn't bear to be around me?

I really don't see the point in living anymore, in fact, everything seems pretty much pointless.

Where I am its nearly half one in the morning, and I can't be bothered to go to bed. I don't see the point in going to bed and then getting up again in a few hours. Its not like I have to even go upstairs, my bed's only over the other side of the room. How stupid am I?!?!?!

My mum told me last year she had never wanted me because I was a girl, I could nevr be my brother, therefore how could I expect her to love me and want me? Now my dad is out all the tiem. I must have let him down for him not to want to be around me. Now I've started seeing my mum again but all she ever does is make me feel small and stupid and all I can ask myself, is why have they kept me, my mum didn't have to have me, neither of them had to keep me, so why am I here? Why am I sitting in the house I am? Why did they do this to me? Why keep me just to make me feel like they don't want me and I'm a letdown to them?

Sorry, I just needed to get that out.
Love Emily x

 
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Old 04-02-2004, 04:51 PM   #2
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Re: Parents

OMG... With everything you said I would be surprise if you weren't depressed. I really understand what you're going through. Moms always love their sons over their daughters... it's a fact of life... period... that's something I had to grow up with... It's very notorious the difference among my brothers and my sister and me.
Usually dads love their daughters the most... but in some cases as yours (and mine) dad don't love noone but himself... maybe his oldest son... maybe his job or car... and that kind of things.
I'm really surprised of what your mom said... that was really really mean... But you have always to remember that you're not her... and you're alive, so it doens't matter what she says... it really doesn't.

About your depression I believe you should seek help... if you don't it will get even worse... believe me... it can. And as deeper as you are the harder it takes to get out. (sorry my english isn't that good... i hope you could understand what I meant)

I really don't know what else to say... I just said what I felt and what it first came to my mind. Hope it helps in some way...

Take care,

SOL
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Old 04-02-2004, 05:12 PM   #3
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possum HB User
Re: Parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by emily_1990
I lack the motivation to do anything, I feel constantly lonely, unwanted, un needed, misunderstood. I feel, that by being who I am, I ruin the live of all of those who know me. My dad's out so much, why else would he be out unless it was because he oculdn't bear to be around me?

I really don't see the point in living anymore, in fact, everything seems pretty much pointless.
These are SOME of the the symptoms of chronic clinical depression.

Unlike a lot a of people with chronic clinical depression, you are able to give "possible" reasons for the way you feel which is the first step in being able to get treatment. I am not so fortunate.

You will often read on these boards that "we are own own worst enemy". Some of the posts by quincy give excellent descriptions of how we do this so I don't want to repeat them here.

Basically you are making a lot of assumptions as to why your father is out so much. Then you let these illogical and contrived thoughts with no basis on reality fester to the point where you are making yourself physically ill. You are getting yourself down!

Your post shows your an articulate intelligent person. It's unfortunate that your parents are the way they are. You won't be able to change them, but with help you'll certainly be able to change the way you think about them.

They say they don't love you, yet they clothe, feed and provide shelter. It's impossible to figure out what issues your parents may have from such a short post, but I doubt your the cause of any problems. Your parents sound like they are hurting and lashing out and your in the firing line.

The first step is to get professional help. Visit your family GP.
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Old 04-02-2004, 06:19 PM   #4
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Re: Parents

That's really (insert curse word here) Emily and I'm sorry you are going through all that. Possum gives great advise as does Quincy so read their posts on here. CBT changed my life and I think would be useful to you as I think it is your skewed thinking that is causing your pain. CBT teaches you tools to think more accurately which in turn will build your self-esteem and reduce the amount of anxiety you experience. There's a great introductory book on CBT called "Been There, Done That? Do This!" by Sam Obitz. See if you can find it at your library and read it and try using the tools as I think they will help you

Billy
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Old 04-03-2004, 01:03 AM   #5
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quincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB User
Re: Parents

Hi Emily,

My heart breaks for you. I can relate to feelings and fear of rejection and it can ruin your life forever if you let it.

Remember some things....your parents screwed up relationship has impacted you. It's affected you and has penetrated all of your functioning and development. Children usually feel responsible. You say you do. It has nothing to do with you, and it's not your responsibility to fix.

How old are you? Can you move out with other relatives or into another situation? If that's not a possibility, you really need to seek a counsellor or other emotional supports.

If your life's goal is to get total acceptance from your parents..you will waste your life waiting. I did it.

It's too bad your mom has a need to punish you for her perceived failures. Your dad is away from home because he can't cope. He's a distancer...an avoider. He can't solve his or his family's problems so don't expect it. It won't happen.

There are many books...many by Dr. Phil, also by his son Jay McGraw. Jay deals with teens and family issues. He gives both sides, and it would probably help for insight of the bigger picture.

Expectations (especially unrealistic) are the ruin of us all. With them we will surely be disappointed. We set unattainable goals that satisfy our self-fulfilling prophecies of failure, and the failure of us as we perceive how others view us.

You have decisions to make. Families on the slippery slope of destruction only have casualties. Each suffers, but it's all family members' responsibility as to what each thinks, feels, says and does. Either go down with the ship or find ways to save your self.

You need to seek out your inner strength and trust yourself that you can succeed in your life goals. Be a friend to yourself.

Billy, possum's, and my insights are what we've learned by working hard to get through our own baggage. We can only offer suggestions...the rest is up to you make decisions.

CBT is awesome. It works by teaching tools in understanding our (not so nice to or about ourselves) thoughts. Those thoughts are defenses, but we're the only ones we hurt. Possum was right..we are our own worst enemies after others have done the damage. We just continue where they left off. Sometimes it can last a lifetime and in all situations. CBT helps break that cycle.

I would definitely agree to seek out professional help by seeing your GP. He or she will hopefully send you in the right direction (and not just hand you a prescription).

Many understand, but please use our experiences as a learning tool also. We say...don't waste your life. The outcome can be devistating. When you're young, your resilience can be your saving grace.

Keep us posted as to what you decide.

Best to you,
quincy
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Old 04-03-2004, 01:36 AM   #6
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emily_1990 HB User
Re: Parents

Heya

Thank you all for your replys.

Sol, my mum's excuse for loving my brother more was always that he was my half brother and since his real dad wasn't around, she had to love him twice as much. But that often seemed to mean that me and my little brother missed out. Then when it comes to my dad, he lives for four things: my little brother, his job, his girlfriend, and her family. For whatever reason I got left out of the picture!!!

Possum, you said you doubted I was a cause of my parent's issues. I didn't think I was up until they got divorced. For months my mum tried to tell me it was my fault before it came out she was having an affair! But I guess the months with her going 'Emily how could you do this to your own family' etc were the ones that stuck in my mind. People are forever telling me it wasn't my fault but its so much easier to belive the bad stuff, like when people say it was. My mum is the sort of person who literally cannot take the blame for anything, or let my half brother take it. My little brother was too young at the time and my dad was out a lot trying not to cause arguments so it was me that got the blame.

Billy thank you for your advice I will take a trip down to the library some time over easter to look into finding the books you and quincy have talked about, I need something new to read!

Quincy you asked how old I was. I'm 14. I don't think I'm able to move to another relative's to get away from th situation and even if I could, I don't know if I would. The problems would still be there, and one day I'd have to face up to them. You're right about the counsellor though, I should be seeking one both for this and other things. But I keep putting it off for two reasons:
1) I don't know if I'd be able to open up to someone face to face
2) I had one session with a counsellor once where they treated me as if I was three and totally mad, you know talking really slowly and looking down at me as if I was about to explode. Maybe I was just paranoid but it made me feel really frustrated.

Thanks to all of you, and maybe I should go and see my GP, she could probably refer me to a counsellor I guess.

Hop you are all okay and sorry for loading my problems off on you!!!!
Love Emily xXxXx

 
Old 04-03-2004, 07:06 AM   #7
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possum HB User
Re: Parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by emily_1990
I'm 14.
I'm sorry, I had no idea you were so young.

Quote:
Originally Posted by quincy
CBT is awesome.
CBT from a good therapist would help you a great deal, as it it most effective for young teenagers.

Please stay away from any narcotics, as they will ALWAYS make you feel worse.

And remember to smile, because God loves you!
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Old 04-05-2004, 08:47 PM   #8
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billy7772 HB User
Re: Parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by possum
I'm sorry, I had no idea you were so young.

CBT from a good therapist would help you a great deal, as it it most effective for young teenagers.

Please stay away from any narcotics, as they will ALWAYS make you feel worse.

And remember to smile, because God loves you!
I agree with Possum

Billy
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