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Old 04-06-2004, 06:30 AM   #1
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Man Apart HB User
Unhappy Insult to injury

I don't know any of you from a hole in the wall. But I know we all have one common enemy... Depression. If your registered to this board I assume it is because in this moment in your life your suffering from depression. Or just going through some traumatic or dramatic experience. I respect everyone on this board. I understand the severity of what everyone is going through. And there is nothing I want more than to see everyone escape this maze we are all trapped in.

I do not like myself. I think if youve ever read anything I post that is pretty evident. Infact, I intensely hate myself. I thought alot over the weekend about things. And I realized, despite all of the people that has ever shown hate towards me, noone hates me more than me. Thats why I dont have any motivation or any self confidence, or any desire to achieve for anything for myself. I dont take care of myself. I dont eat right. I dont do anything that would really benefit me unless there something causing me pain. Thats why its so hard for me to eat right and work out and keep myself clean and clean my room or go for a walk or jus anything. I hate the man in the mirror.

Its just kind of obvious now why I dont have any passion for living. If you dont love yourself your not going to make it far in this world. Im just not really interested in being me. Im not really interested in this life. Im not really interested in trying to make the best out of my worthless existence. Im not interested in being a ugly man, or being unattractive. Im not interested in being black. Im not interested in having weight problems and being diabetic. Im not interested in being lonely and suffering from depression. I dont like anything about me, inside or out. Its like looking at a movie, only its about you. And the movie is just awful and boring and painful to watch. You lose interest and ultimately you leave or you turn it off. I wish that there was a off button I could push. I would impale it with my thumb. I really could care less about myself and what happens to me.

If I cant live for myself, then Ill try living for someone else. I guess thats my only goal right now. Trying to find something or someone to live for. To keep on going. Im not really interested in telling people much more about me cos Im just a awful and boring movie. One that doesnt make sense. And one that doesnt have a happy ending. If there is something I say that rubs someone the wrong way I truly apologize. My intent is to never affect anyone negatively. But its pretty hard to do when im basically Mr. Negative. I dont think many people really understand me. And being laughed at doesnt help. Its just adding to what is already insurmountable wall of shame, embarrassment, and anxiety.

I thank all of you who were willing to take time out of your day and read and try to give advice and encourage me. I really appreciate it. I thank you. My best wishes to all of you. Til a brighter day.

 
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Old 04-06-2004, 10:12 AM   #2
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Genabeena HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I don't know any of you from a hole in the wall.
Hey......who you tryin' to kid. You know me. You know me better than a lot of people who I see every day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I do not like myself.
I know Man. And you don't have to change for me or anyone else here. Right now, it seems like the first goal is to just get you feeling stronger- get your spirits up enough to take the first step. We'll stay at this stage as long as we have to. You don't have to like yourself right now, anyway. I like you. Even if you don't even know if I'm really a real person or not (and by the way, I am thank you very much. Flesh and bones and everything.)

Here's I song I sing to people sometimes when the moment strikes me (but not to just anyone, by-the-way.) I hope it's not too much of a corny put off.

It's you I like.
Not the things you wear,
Not the way you do your hair,
but it's you I like.
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you,
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys,
They're just beside you.

But it's you I like,
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings,
Whether old or new.
I hope that you remember,
Even when you're feeling blue,
That it's you I like,
Just you, yourself, it's you.
It's you........I...........like!

-By Fred Rogers

Yes. You guessed it. I'm a HUGE Mister Roger's fan. Not just a fan, but almost like a follower. That man was a true genius. They say in the educational field that there are more types of human intelligence than we have even been able to account for yet. The seven or eight that we know of already include mathmatical, linguistic, etcetra, etcetra....musical, spacial etcetra, etcetra.... and, interestingly interpersonal and intrapersonal. There's also spiritual and existential. Of course, we only recieve praise in school for our achievements in a few of those areas (such as math and linguistic.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I wish that there was a off button I could push.
Believe it or not, I can completely relate to this feeling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
If I cant live for myself, then Ill try living for someone else.
That's fine. We're all just trying to get by in any way we can. And, I think inadvertently... for better or for worse, some of us on the boards have gotten more entwined in this than we had initially set out to do. That's sort of the nature of friendship. It grows on you, until, suddenly, you're just as dependent on it as it is on you. It's a two-way street.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I guess thats my only goal right now. Trying to find something or someone to live for. To keep on going. Im not really interested in telling people much more about me cos Im just a awful and boring movie. One that doesnt make sense. And one that doesnt have a happy ending. If there is something I say that rubs someone the wrong way I truly apologize. My intent is to never affect anyone negatively. But its pretty hard to do when im basically Mr. Negative. I dont think many people really understand me.
We're here to help one another, not to judge one another. You've never judged me, and I'm obliged to extend to you the same curteousy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
And being laughed at doesnt help. Its just adding to what is already insurmountable wall of shame, embarrassment, and anxiety.
That was inexusable. I don't know if there was some kind of explanation behind it, or what. It was just right out of left field. Let's prepared ourselves for the possibility of it happening again. I sure hope it doesn't. I don't expect it to, but what happened last week shows us that we have to be prepared for the unexpected. What will we do if it happens again. Will we ignore it and pretend like the offending post doesn't exist? Will we simply report it as a bad post? What do you think about that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
I thank all of you who were willing to take time out of your day and read and try to give advice and encourage me. I really appreciate it. I thank you. My best wishes to all of you. Til a brighter day.
Like I said, it's a two-way street. I know that you help me more than you realise- perhaps more than you possibly could realise. I may not strike you as the most opportunistic person in the world, but I simply wouldn't be participating in these threads if I wasn't getting something pretty significant out of the experience. I can't really explain it because I don't entirely understand it myself, but I know this is an important part of my own healing process. You have no idea how hard the past several years have been for me. My husband was almost completely right when he said I have no friends. The truth is that outside of this board, I have no friends. I have a great family, but that's not the same. A person needs real friends. Friends they can talk to.

 
Old 04-06-2004, 10:57 AM   #3
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Re: Insult to injury

Hi Man..Angel doin a fly by....lol...first of all, I want to tell you, I've been following some of the posts when I can. I saw the post to someone who totally related to your post and how you were so positive toward them and the things you said were awesome. You're growing by little friend.

Now, what I want you to think about is these laughers and piggish people who would go out of their way to make you feel bad. Let me tell you something that I found out through the millions of fights with my mom. She aimed as many darts at me as possible and I always believed them because they seemed to fit, until one day she said something that only pertained to her life and it hit me.....she was never talking about me, she was aiming at me the things she couldn't handle to believe about herself. That is what many people do. They are insecure and scared, so they walk around pointing out the flaws of others (real or imagined) and try to tear them down so they feel they can walk a little taller.

Next time someone makes a snide comment about you, think about the source and I will bet you'll pick up on some self-loathing or insecurity that they're trying to hide. I used to be an awful sh** in school because I was insecure and just plain mean because of what was going on at home and took aim at others because I was tired of being the only one hurting....not right, I know, but it's the truth. I didn't stop until I found out that one of my targets was suffering horrible abuse at home and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't the only one at school with a crappy home life and I was adding to their misery. I broke down in tears and it was the last day I played the bully role. After that though, he had a five foot tall avenger on the loose. I became friends with him after that. We lost touch after school, I saw him the other day, doing well. And yes, you guessed it, married and happy. Point of that part is that he was deffinately not much to look at but had a heart of gold and his new wife new it and so did he.

You will find it too. But you're right about you're not doing for yourself the things to get better because you don't like yourself. If it's easier to pretend to do them for someone else, fine by me. It may start out that way, but once you get moving, you'll see it is for you and has been the whole time. The only caution I have is don't build your selfesteem on someone else because if they walk away, they'll take it with you. You're too precious to let that happen, so please don't.

I've seen you grow a lot and have been standing back for a bit on purpose. I was getting too involved and trying to fix you, I can't and I don't want to give the false sense that I can. You have to do it, but I can help dust you off when you fall. You've found a bit more positive, but I always see you cycle....you feel positive, then you get scared and go back to what you know...pain. I promise, they pain will always be there, don't worry, walk in the sun and enjoy it. You will find that the more you venture into the sun, the less you get a sun burn...just stick on some sunscreen (thick skin..ya know me and metaphors) and just keep walkin. You'll do fine and you'll gradually lose your fear.

Now, for you....what did we talk about in the last thread that was deleted??? I wanted you to get out into the world, even just a bit, remember? Look for some volunteer opportunities and see what you find. One place I think you would fit in is with the animals. I can tell you after working rescue for so long, the majority of people that come into it as volunteers are because they are scared of interacting with the outside world but have no fear of the animals because they don't judge. Those people all have huge hearts but are scared to death of their outsides and the world's opinion. You may find a few snide people, but it's not you they are truly aiming at, it's the man in the mirror that they can't face. Ignore them and move on. Or, say something to the effect of, "I hope that made you feel better? I know it sure helped me feel wonderful." and walk away. Usually stops them dead in their tracks.

Go volunteer and see what you find. Don't leave after the first day, I know if you're anything like me that you won't give them a chance to know you and walk away because you feel like they're staring at you or whispering about you....promise, it's just an illusion. I stayed long enough to make some life-long friends and I'm the only one that makes the judgements on my looks.

Let me share an embarassing moment with you.....I was running an adoption one day with my friend...she was inside with the dogs that we had already brought in and I was trying my damndest to haul a create out of the back of my husband's truck ('87 GMC jacked up to where the handle came to my forehead) with a 150lb wolf mix in it. I finally got him out and was huffing and puffing to drag him into the store...let's just say that I definately looked less that glorious!!! LOL I was used to all the guys talking to my friend because she's tall and thin, and well, I'm not!! It was kinda funny, the guy she was talking to was way cute and holding one of our pups. The minute I got in to the area w/ our dogs, he stopped talking to her and would only talk to me...I let it slide, figured she told him I knew more about the dogs.

That night he called me with some questions about the pup he had adopted. He wasn't sure which one I was, so he asked. I told him I was the short, chunky one w/ long blonde, curly hair. He sounded puzzled for a minute and said that the only blonde there that day had long blonde curly hair but was adorable. I about fell out of my chair!!! How could he confuse me that way??? Then I had told a male friend about it and he said that the first time he met me that my weight didn't play into it at all. He never viewed me as a fat lady, just loved me for me and only saw what my personality would 'allow' him to see. Another knock me over with a feather moment. You see, it's not how you look as much as how you 'act.'

I know the comments about looks on this board, but I've seen and been on both side of the fence. Like I said, in highschool, I was TINY and cute. A whopping 100lbs, big chest, and my hair was finally under control...woohoo! Then I got sick and the best part about that was that it totally took my health, my looks and much of my sanity and left not a single sign on the outside that it was behind my destruction. After that, I gained weight, my hair fell out to the point that I was almost bald on top, my face broke out, my muscles were so weak that I couldn't stand up from a squat and it aggrivated my depression, anxiety/panic attacks and caused so many other problems. It lead to my family believing I was crazy and even after the diagnosis, they still refused to look at it as a true problem, in their eyes, I was the problem.

I still have bald spots from the radiation but am getting better at hiding them, finally getting my face to clear up (found it on the acne board, use cetaphil for sensitive skin, no water, just put in on your face, massage around and pat dry. I exfoliate every other day to get rid of the dead skin and it's working!!!! And it's cheap), I've lost 20lbs because of my narcolepsy meds and am going to be going back through structural integration massage to help ease the pain so I can get back to exercising. I used to lift weights, but I've got huge leg muscles, so got to take off the weight first or I'll look like Jobba the Hut! I don't feel good about myself on the outside, but I am learning to love myself on the inside. That came from researching my medical probs and realizing that I'm not a lazy bum, but fought harder than I knew to make it this far, so gotta keep going.

Anyhow, don't ya miss me?? Long winded posts from hell????? When I get going I tend to have a hard time stopping. I just wanted you to know that even though you're not seeing the change, I've seen some projected in your postings, now let yourself feel it.
TTFN.........Angel
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If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

 
Old 04-06-2004, 02:53 PM   #4
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Genabeena HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Wow! Thanks for sharing your story, Angel. I can relate well to it, for even though I haven't suffered from a sickness quite like yours or your particular type of skin problem, my story still holds a lot of parallels to yours. I'm short, used to be cute, do have skin problems (which I don't talk about hardly ever). I used to be tiny, but due to pregnancy gained quite a bit of weight, but am making a come-back.

Since I've been with my physical trainer I've lost almost 15 pounds. I've also been dealing with chronic hives since last Halloween. It usually breaks out pretty badly when I exercise, but today, for the first time, I went the whole session without having a breakout!!! I didn't even have my anti-histamines (which have never helped anyway) because I forgot them.

And I'm planning on having some cosmetic surgery to help with my face. I've never felt so strong. Problem is, I'm going through an emotional period because my husband and I are getting divorced. Even with that, though, I'm taking it o.k. so far because I know it's the right thing and in the long run, I'll be better because of it.

Enough about all that. Just wanted to share, since I noticed so many parallels. I really like how positive you sound, I totally agree with every point you made. Hey, and just because we're "depressed" doesn't mean we don't need to try to be positive. It's actually all the more reason we need to do so. It's really the only legitimate way for us to fight it. Reverse the downward spiral. Keep trying to go upward. Take care.

 
Old 04-06-2004, 06:08 PM   #5
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Hey lookie here, a Genie and a Angel. Hey um, I guess I can try to reply to some of this. Im in a very ackward mood right now. I can barely feel my arms. Already I can see everything affecting my performance at this new job I have. I dont know if I can continue working there feeling like this. People keep asking me if im alright, I look like my dog died or something. Today was just a bad day, except for the letter I got from Lili this morning. =). That put a smile on my face for about 20 mins. But after I closed it and went to work I could jus feel this gradual sink in my mood. Just remembering all the untrusthful things I said about being this outgoing, positve, optimistic person.

I know some things about you Gena. You used to be a bad bad girl. JK. lol. I appreciate all the things you share with me. Thank you for the lyrics to that song. It was really sweet. I hope you dont mind me stealing it and sending it to Lili. Im trying to earn some impress points. Im still trying to decide whether or not what im doing is the right thing. Its not easy holding back so many secrets.

I know that trying to live for someone else is the wrong approach in life. But I truly have no desire to live for myself. Having someone to wake up to every morning, someone to laugh and talk with and love and hold and someone to be able to have in your life, always there for you and someone who can make me a better person, stronger, and change my life dramatically. Yes I am a hypocrite for saying that I would put my entire self worth into someone else. But thats because I dont have much self worth thats worth me keeping for myself. Its different with Frinkle. Shes more special than she knows and realize.

My life extends as far as each letter she sends me. I need no better motivation than having her continue to write to me and give me the reason I need to live and have hope that I can oneday be happy...with ...her. Even if thats just another pipe dream I have, at least it is one I can enjoy for now. Im not using her. And lord knows I would never hurt her. I know I need to be more honest, but just because I am none of the things now, doesnt mean I wont be if, and i mean a BIG IF, and when we decide to meet.

I knew that I was bleeding myself too much over the boards. Expecting a miracle. And becoming way too dependant on people to be here for me everyday. Like Angel, Thorac, and Sweetp. I didnt want to do the same to Gena and Frinkle. Cos thats the main reason I lost Angel for awhile and I lost Thorac and Sweetp completely.

What happened last week hurt at the time not specifically cos of the individual but more just myself. Allowing it to bother me and setting myself up for it. I do not in any way shape or form want this individual to be reprimanded or banned. She probably needs the board just as much as I do. She gave her opinion, albeit a very hurtful one, but its my problem that I let it upset me.

Gena you can always talk to me. I hate when im so down I can barely support myself. But Ill always be willing to lend you my crutch and that goes for you and anyone else. Im used to being on the ground flat on my face. But people liek you and frinky and angel do not deserve to be where i am. You are better people and worth more. Im always lurking. And ill always do the best I can even on my darkest days, to help and encourage you. Cos it does affect me when you guys are down.

Angel77, what a treat. lol. I see your halo still shines bright. It shall never tarnish in my eyes. Hey who are you calling little? *looking down at you* hehe.

Angel. I know that there are alot of people in this world and alot of people in my past that would give me reason to not love myself, believe in myself and make me think im something lesser than a child of god. But unfortunately they succeed efficiently. There is no more vulnerable time in your life than when you are a child. I wasnt just raped once or twice or three times. I was raped everyday. Being physically raped doesnt even hold a handle to all the times i was mentally raped. Being stripped of my dignity, my happiness, my education, my strength, my development as a human being. Im just a product of all of that. I cant get that back. I live just a few blocks from that prison of a school and I cant just walk in there and take everything that I lost back.

You know being bullied is onething. I wasnt bullied. I was assualted. Daily. I would come home so many days with a bruise here or a cut there or a scrape here and id tell my mom it was from playing basketball.

Ok im starting to go into my chronicles, something I didnt want to do anymore but um, let me just make it short. There is nothing I can do inside me, within myself, that can help me build my self esteem up again. That part of me is dead. There are many parts of me that are dead. The only way i ever see myself regaining that is within somone else. That is alot to place upon someone. But you better believe that I would try to be the world to that person because that person would be the only world I have. And my only reason for living.

Im sorry if im being defiant about trying to get out into the world more. I cant help it. Its like asking the elephant man to enroll in a beauty pageant or go into modelling. I just dont have enough interest in myself to do anything that significant. I dont want people to know me i dont want people to see me. I dont want to exist. I try to be as dead to this world as possible. I have a new job and i somewhat interact with people there but its like day and night sometimes. Sometimes im talkative and joking and sometimes im just mute. I mumble, I have no personality. Im not witty and knowledgeable about much of anything. I dont relate to anymore cos Im the most obscure human being alive.

I wish I knew what I really looked like. I wish there was a consistency to what I see everyday. I just know one thing. Im ugly. And I cant live with being ugly. Is that wrong of me? I know there is more to life but, not much. And why do I have to miss out. You only get one life. Thats the thing that hurts me so bad. You only get ONE life. Why couldnt I have at least been average, like most people. I just cant help to just look at so many pictures of beautiful people in this world, picture after picture and jus feel the tears falling from my face and the anger and anxiety build up within me. There are times I go in the bathroom to wash my face and I scrub it for 10 mins vigorously til my skin feels raw. Like im trying to rub my face off. Sometimes to keep from punching the mirror like i have done on 4 different occasions, Ill jus start punching myself. So that my parents wont be woken from me putting a hole in the wall or throwing something. Ill just punch myself. It doesnt make much noise. :'(. And im ugly anyway so it doesnt matter.

Its always hard for me in the spring and summer time cos I cant walk around wearing my coat with the hood on. That hood is like my guard. But now, people can see how fat I am and see my face in broad daylight. It is the most difficult time of the year for me.

People may think im lazy. Im not lazy. I work 2 jobs now. Im far from lazy. Its simple. I never planned to be me. I never asked to be me or to be born. I cant and wont be forced to live my life and to accept who i am. Noone, not even my own family can convince me to live such a horrible life. And try to convince me somehow Im meaningful and my life is worth living. I do have a off button actually. One even God cant keep me from. But its the one that you cant turn back on anymore. So I tend not to want to push it. Ive touched it a few times. Even tapped on it. But I cant push it yet. Not now. This movie is still awful. But maybe there is hope. Unfortunately something needs to happen soon, cos the end is near and the credits are about to role.

 
Old 04-06-2004, 09:50 PM   #6
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Re: Insult to injury

wow. man apart, i don't even know what to say. i'm glad you came back, it means a lot that even though you aren't in the best of moods lately, you still care about me and gena and everyone else who reads your posts. and thank you, so much. "Its different with Frinkle. Shes more special than she knows and realize." you have no idea how much that means to me. i too, am going through one of the worst weeks of my life, and it just means so much that someone thinks i'm special. because right now i feel like a total failure for reasons that i don't want to get into right now. i don't want to steal your spotlight, but i just really appreciate that even though you are going through an extremely rough time in your life, you have enough compassion to want to reach out to other people and help them feel better.

you are such a valuable asset to this board. you don't even realize it, either. when i first joined this board i didn't realize how involved i would get. i thought i would just post a few comments here and there and that people would ignore me just like they do in real life. but you reached out to me. you and gena. and you have become my two best friends on this board. i feel that you guys understand me so well, and that you are so supportive of me. that's what this board is all about; being supportive of each other through the hard times AND through the good. it just seems that we have more rough times to deal with.

you shouldn't ever feel like you are "bleeding yourself" on these boards. we're here to listen to you, and you have the right to say and express anything you want to. you can open up as much or as little as you want to. just remember one thing: no matter what you say, i will always be here. and i'm pretty sure gena would be here. i think it's safe to say we're two of our biggest fans, and we will always be here for you through good times and bad, offering whatever words we can.

i really don't know what else i can say to you to make you feel better. i'm trying to be as positive as i can. i myself am going through a really rough time right now, but i'm trying to look at the positives. it's hard, but if i can do it, i know you can do it. just have a little faith. i'm trying my hardest to be positive for all the people on this board. and in a way, trying to be positive helps me feel a little better. knowing that what i say can have a good affect on someone makes me feel good too. maybe it can have the same effect for you. just know that you are in my thoughts, and i wish all the best for you. i'm glad you came back and we look forward to hearing from you soon. much love,

merfrinkle

 
Old 04-06-2004, 11:27 PM   #7
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Mermaid. How have you been. Thanks for checking in. Always nice to hear from you. I dont ever want you to feel like your stealing my spotlight. There is enough light under here for everyone. It may not be very bright but I will share it with anyone. Let me say this to you cos I read your reply in another thread also. Whatever you want to share or feel comfortable talking about feel free anytime, im always willing to listen. Your not a failure. Why would you feel this way. Because your life and your grades and your mood is being affected because you lost someone? Thats not failure, thats being human. It doesnt matter if you tell me or not what the reason is you feel that way itll NEVER add up to anyone thinking your a failure. Your not.

You know why I envy this guy. Because he had something real. There are so many women out there who are like leeches, they attach themselves to you, suck the life out of you and leave you for dead. Uncaring and unphased. Seemingly just like this guy. I dont even have to see you to know how beautiful you are. Someone so sensitive and compassionate as you do not deserve this. But, thats what happens when you give all of yourself to someone, and you lay your true heart and feelings all out on the plate for someone. The more genuine the person, the more real the pain is.

Listen Princess. Before your knight in shinning armour comes to sweep you off your feet you need to give your heart time to heal. Dont worry about me, Ill be fine. Not cos I believe I am, jus, well it sounds good to say. lol. Anyway, you have a good day for me. I want to say more but, well you know. Anyway, you take care.

 
Old 04-07-2004, 01:03 AM   #8
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Re: Insult to injury

not to question your hating yourself I have to say from a philosophical point of view I met a man who really hated himself - he had a masters degree in social work and worked at the lincoln regional center in Nebraska - he hated himself so much that he didn't even tell anyone how much he hated himself he just went home one night sat in a chair and used a straight edge razor to cut his throat from ear to ear.. He really hated himself and he really did not care..

while the rest of us might hate ourselves we are still here - posting or reading- there is still a difference in the living who hate themselves and the dead who hated themselves termimally.

the fact that we can still spew out words in some sense of order or even take the time to post - is a sign of life or living..

I don't know about you - but when I get down down I don't care about this forum or saying anything to anybody - or reading or writing or showering or about my teeth or about diet or about health - or anything

I don't suppose this forum ever hears from those that are going to kill themselves in the next few hours or days - because those people are past the fear of death or past the fighting to hang on and they really don't want more words either in their own minds or from the mind of someone else..
Psychogists or psychiatrists always do the psychological autopsy where in retrospect all that could be done was done to no avail - this is CYA stuff - the person who is really going to kill themselves does not tell his plan because he knows an intervention will come..

I guess I am asking is if you don't care - if you hate yourself why bother telling the rest of us who basically don't care about ourselves either - and the rest who jump in and say theraputic things are only making deals with god anyway - in the pretense that if they come on up off their humanity they will in some way be seen as more human and dedicated to there fellowman.. Now I have to ask myself are they really? You say you are looking to dedicate yourself to some one or some cause - why? if you are an empty vessel what do you have to give anyone? barren and dark I ask myself of what good is anything I have to offer anyone.. perhaps you have an answer that I have missed?
I myself have a degree in social work and worked 27 years in the human service field - what you have to give others depends on what is inside yourself - you can look good and sound good and have everyone around you thinking your a good hearted caring loving individual - but you yourself will always know the truth - does the light shine in you - or have you learned by way of survival to mimic the light in others?

Last edited by enoch; 04-07-2004 at 01:08 AM.

 
Old 04-07-2004, 03:12 AM   #9
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lori j HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Hi Man, I have kept up with your posts, but usually angel or someone else has better advice than me, so I don't always reply. It sounds like you're just in a funky mood right now, cause i remember reading a post of yours a few days ago where you said you were going to start eating right, get back on that diet etc.

So don't let a few bad days ruin your plans. You CAN care about yourself for YOU. Once you do, all the things you've planned to accomplish will start to happen.

How is your job, are you still working?

I hate myself a lot too, I have a hard time believing that anyone can like me & it's caused problems in our lives. My one d-in-law adores me, well she says she does, but then I get in a mood where I don't believe it & she gets very hurt & it causes many hard times in our family.

I got to thinking about why I feel this way all the time. I know I have very LOW SELF ESTEEM, but was thinking WHY? I remember that as a kid NO ONE every complimented me on anything. There was no grandma that thought I was IT, I was special. I only had a grandma on my dads side & she didn't care for kids much.
I had a great aunt that I adored & she was very good to me, but again, I don't remember anyone EVER saying I did GOOD at something.
What got me thinking that is that I spend many hours with my g-kids. I have them for sleepovers & I am always telling them how special they are, how cute they are & how talented they are. Now I know why I am the way I am. My g-kids will never grow up with low self esteem if I have anything to do with it.
Everyone needs someone to validate them & if it doesn't happen til late in adulthood, it's too late. IT is for me, I know that, but I can make a difference in my g-kids lives if not in my own.
Just wanted to share my revelation, sure took a long time coming & I didn't even need a shrink to figure it out! LOL
Just hang on, this mood will pass & there will be better days ahead & you'll be back talking how you are going to reach your goals, I have confidence in you. Maybe what you do for yourself can give someone else the confidence & self esteem that we never got. You never know who you will influence in your life.

Take care til better days.... friend, Lori

 
Old 04-07-2004, 06:39 AM   #10
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Hey Lori. I know you read my posts so anytime you ever give me a reply is a bonus. My plans always get derailed somehow. Right now so far as my diet and exercising, its quite discourgaing that after years and years I cant seem to put even one good week together. I dont take any medication so I basically have to suppress my anxiety and depression with food. And you know, it works. lol. Nothing gives me more relief than burrying my face into a big tray of nachos or a pizza. Its sporadic. I can go a day without eating and the next day I just throw down on something to keep myself from feeling agitated and starved. I do have a ravenous appetite that I have to fight everyday. If I could put together 30 days of moderate exercising and a sensible diet Id be in shape and have my weight loss goals over and done with. But Its just not that easy.

I can work 10 hours a day. But its such a struggle for me to get on a treadmill for 20 mins. Cos I dont care about myself. I dont really have that much of a incentive to. Cos over the last few weeks I thought about the time when I did lose all of the weight and I still got rejected. I may have felt a bit better abou tmyself, but it didnt mean that how everyone else felt about me would change. And its like, well, it really wont matter. And sometimes I just dont care. How you feel about yourself doesnt really mean anything anymore. People dictate how you feel about yourself. People let you know if you have something to feel good about. You can think your all that and a bag of chips, but if noone else thinks so, then it just doesnt matter. You can think or try to believe your the smartest person in the classroom but if the teacher gives you a F your not going anywhere, your not graduating. I can try to make myself believe Im some handosme, great guy but I know im not because eventually everyone will let you know.

There is not one person in my life I have ever felt hate towards. Not anyone. None of the people that abused me, not anyone in my family. Noone. Ive never known the feeling of hate until recently when I look in the mirror everyday and realize I hate myself. And why? Well, your right, I was never complimented or called special. The people in my own family called me fat and ugly frequently. And of course hearing it from my peers growing up was quite significant.

I am the embodiment of what any human being would hate to be. I remember a girl back in high school that treated me like crap all the time. She didnt know anything about me. I would ask her like if she had a extra pencil and she would look at me like i had a egg on my face and tell me, no you cant borrow it. She treated everyone else nice of course. The only times she would actually fake nice to me was if she needed something. So one time I asked her why she was so mean towards me. And ill never forget what she said in a million years "Its nothing against you, its just your fate, deal with it." Truer words were never spoken.

Sometimes I get this burst of encouragement that will last for a week or so but then just get swallowed whole by anxiety and all my progress comes to a hault. Its gonna take time. I just dont really know how much time I have left. Everything always takes time. I do have onething Im chasing. Onething that could give me everything I ever needed in life. But the odds are against me. But at least I know I made one last desperate attempt at happiness. This time I fear ill come up empty again. Another empty dream. And once again all of my hope will go up in flames.

 
Old 04-07-2004, 08:09 AM   #11
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Melodius1 HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Man Apart, I've been reading your posts and although I feel your pain somewhat, by the same token, I am befuddled and confused as to why you hate yourself so much. You've stated that you were assaulted everyday in elimentary school. I cannot fathom what your life must have been like, but help me to understand why you hurt so much. If so much damage has been done why aren't you in therapy? You've mentioned on quite a few occasions that you're black. Please, please, don't tell me that's why you hate yourself. If that's the case then no one can help you. I don't know what to say only that we should all be proud of what we are, we all have a place on this earth. If your classmate was referring to the colour of your skin as to you being dealt with a bad fate then pooey on her. SHE'S IGNORANT, I am aware that people place too much value on looks, but for the most part, the ones who matter, that is intelligent, caring people, have more important issues to worry about. Man, I wish you peace and comfort for you to get to a happy place where you can accept you and know THAT YOU MATTER. F### everyone else and what they may think or say about you. I empathize with you my brother.

I am not a religious person, but spiritual, and in this week especially, think about what Jesus went through so that you may have life, try not to compare yourself to others, cuz things are never what they seem, there's always worst off folks out there with more drama than you'll ever dream of.

Man Apart, Man together...know that you matter.
Lol Mel

 
Old 04-07-2004, 09:45 AM   #12
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Hi Melodius. Interesting name. . Nice to meet you. First off thank you for your post. I do not in any way shape or form want to give off the impression that my dislike for myself and my life is because of my ethnicity. Does it make my life easier, no. I am often discouraged by it because of the ignorance of people this day and age, especially in my own city. But seldom am I ashamed.

I wasnt just assaulted in elementary school. I think my worst times were in Jr. High actually. Far worse. It became more physical. I was shot at. The students were bigger mainly because the Jr high and high school students were combined into one big school. It wasnt until 9th and 10th grade when the abuse lessen. Basically because I had my leg broken by a student doing a wrestling move on me. And I wore a cast to school and was on crutches. It was a blessing in disguise I guess because I wasnt abused as much because of the fact that I was on crutches.

The classmate was actually the same color as me. I think she was just referring to the fact that I was consenually the ugly, fat, loser kid in the classroom that everyone picked on.

Jesus?...... Hmmm. Well, im not religious nor spiritual. I know only as much as what I was told and read. I have read and heard people die worst deaths than Jesus. Shot, burned, hunged, and many other brutal and errie ways human beings can kill. Still, I would rather die a brutal death than to live a brutal life.

My focus is returning. My mind is starting to stray from morbidity. I feel, ok for a change. But sadly its only temporary. Nevertheless, I will make to best of this day. I will try to bring my mind into more of a positive light and hope that I can build upon it each day.

 
Old 04-07-2004, 10:43 AM   #13
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Angel77 HB User
Re: Insult to injury

You didn't lose me, I too got wrapped up in this and it was too much for me. I had to take a break and actually deal with my own life...not the funnest, but necessary. You need to stop getting down on yourself. It's called a self-fullfilling prophecy, if you think you are clumsy, you'll become a clutz, if you think you will succeed, you will. I don't mean a half-assed attempt. An all out, ya ain't gonna stop me attitude.

Every time you say something nice, you overwhelm yourself with a hundred negatives. You are the only one who can change it. Start taking a notebook with you everywhere you go and write down each and every thing that happens, no matter how small, that made you feel good. I don't care if it was that someone at work smiled at you, write it down. And leave the negative out of it. You can't change something without changing the behavior or belief behind it.

As for you family trying to convince you about anything, screw 'em. Good, bad or ugly, they are a good portion of your beliefs about your negative self. They need to down loaded to a hard disk and stuck in a box somewhere.

The only approach I can think of is once again, the tough love. I have to call it like I see it or it won't do you or anyone else a bit of good. It stings for a bit, but after it sinks in, makes sense and makes you want to prove it. You are your own worst enemy right now. You are right about being a child and defenseless...but you are not a child any more and do not have to take this. You have a choice to stand up and walk away from it. I'm not saying the depression will stop, but you need to get through this self-defeating attitude and belief system. The people at work have just as many demons, some worse, some not as bad, and some that are dangerous to themselves and those around them. They are not worn on the outside and you feel yours are showing. It's not the case.

If you were to get everyone there to write down on a paper, anonymously, every fear, anger, pain, and feelings of inadequacy, you would find that you are not very different from them at all....much to your surprise, you're quite the same. Not that they went through the same things, but different hurts can all cause the same end result.

If you don't stop, you will burry yourself quite literally. You have to make the change. I did it after I hit my breaking point and someone said to me the things I've said to you. Oh, how I hated that person at that moment, but they made the most profound effect on me. They took away anything I could possibly blame for my life being the way it was at that time and made me realize that no one could or would change it but me. They were right, the hurts were caused by others and as a child there was nothing I could do. But I am an adult now and have every choice in the world if I choose to. I finally chose to.

Like I said before, it hurt and I did the same thing you did, only it was in complete silence because I had no flippin' clue about the internet, nor the want at the time. So I suffered in silence and realized that I was the only one suffering. No one else 'cared' what I felt, they went about their lives while I sat there and wallowed in mine. So I finally made the jump, both feet into the deep end at once, no life vest. It is then and only then that you are forced into swimming. If you keep dipping your toes in it, there's nothing to force you to jump in. Give the lifeguard the bird and bounce..lol

Every time someone says a negative or makes you feel a negative or it comes from you, counter it with a positive.

I don't want to be the negative nelly, but I don't want to see you continue hurting. It is a choice, not to experience the bad, but to choose to seek out happiness and know you deserve it. Please take it to heart and know that it's meant with the utmost of respect and caring, you need to do this for yourself because it will never be handed to you.

I'm glad you are working, I must have missed that. What are you doing?? I'm thrilled..not only one job, but two?? How long have you been at the jobs??

Anyway, I'm sorry you're still hurting, but you are making steps forward and that will pay off. Just don't give up on it because of the fears and insecurities, they'll eventually start to lift.

Good luck, big hugs and keep the forward motion. I'm still going forward, just some days at a snail's pace. Let me know how it's going and do me a favor...try to post a few of the positives, they'll be there for you when you're on a down swing. I'm going to go through an find my old post on life on a positive note and start it up again. I think we all need it. what do you think?
__________________
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

 
Old 04-07-2004, 03:25 PM   #14
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Foxbluff HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoch
not to question your hating yourself I have to say from a philosophical point of view I met a man who really hated himself - he had a masters degree in social work and worked at the lincoln regional center in Nebraska - he hated himself so much that he didn't even tell anyone how much he hated himself he just went home one night sat in a chair and used a straight edge razor to cut his throat from ear to ear.. He really hated himself and he really did not care..

while the rest of us might hate ourselves we are still here - posting or reading- there is still a difference in the living who hate themselves and the dead who hated themselves termimally.

the fact that we can still spew out words in some sense of order or even take the time to post - is a sign of life or living..

I don't know about you - but when I get down down I don't care about this forum or saying anything to anybody - or reading or writing or showering or about my teeth or about diet or about health - or anything

I don't suppose this forum ever hears from those that are going to kill themselves in the next few hours or days - because those people are past the fear of death or past the fighting to hang on and they really don't want more words either in their own minds or from the mind of someone else..
Psychogists or psychiatrists always do the psychological autopsy where in retrospect all that could be done was done to no avail - this is CYA stuff - the person who is really going to kill themselves does not tell his plan because he knows an intervention will come..

I guess I am asking is if you don't care - if you hate yourself why bother telling the rest of us who basically don't care about ourselves either - and the rest who jump in and say theraputic things are only making deals with god anyway - in the pretense that if they come on up off their humanity they will in some way be seen as more human and dedicated to there fellowman.. Now I have to ask myself are they really? You say you are looking to dedicate yourself to some one or some cause - why? if you are an empty vessel what do you have to give anyone? barren and dark I ask myself of what good is anything I have to offer anyone.. perhaps you have an answer that I have missed?
I myself have a degree in social work and worked 27 years in the human service field - what you have to give others depends on what is inside yourself - you can look good and sound good and have everyone around you thinking your a good hearted caring loving individual - but you yourself will always know the truth - does the light shine in you - or have you learned by way of survival to mimic the light in others?
Wow, Enoch, you dug deep for this one and I admire your bravery in putting it out here and am glad to see a new perspective! Thanks. Fox

 
Old 04-07-2004, 06:31 PM   #15
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Man Apart HB User
Re: Insult to injury

Enoch. Thank you for your very deep perspective and view. I appreciate you sharing that with me. I do not wish to get into a extensive conversation about this topic for board purposes but I will try to reply as best I can. My hatred for myself was not self developed, self induced, nor self inflicted. It was injected into me, like a serum. I became exactly what every one viewed me to be, treated me and said about me. It was only a matter of time before it became my reality.

I do not know who that person was or why he hated himself. In this world, I really dont think its hard to find a reason to not want to exist. Especially if you do not have certain qualities the world value and the attitude and mental fortitude to endure it. I could go in the bathroom, take a razor blade and do the same as that person. I have tried so many times. But I dont fear the day that I will try it again under the influence of emotional distress, a panic attack or delirium. Because somehow, despite even when I took it as far as ive ever taken it this past october, Ive always been able to survive it. But I do fear the day that I am fully aware of it, calm, self aware and able make a conscious decision that it is time. I have not reached that day yet.

The difference to me is. Despite not caring about myself. I do care about others. Specifically my family. I do have to consider the dreadful impact it will have on my family. But even I know, their love can only extend my suffering for so long before I wont have any ability to tolerate living. That person you speak of may have hated others just as much as he hated himself. Just because I hate myself, does not mean I cannot show compassion for others. Because simply, I do not hate anyone, other than myself.

The worst thing about my situation right now is that, I cannot stop living until I know something. I have to have that question answered. I have been asking it for years. I have to know. It is imperative that I find out. And right now, I am taking a big leap towards the answer. Yes I am alive. But I am far from living. Like I have said before. Whereas a prolonged life isnt necessarily better, a prolonged death is necessarily worse.

Yes, there is a difference between a person who completes suicide and a person who attempts it. The person who completes it dies once. Those left behind will die a thousand deaths reliving the terrible moments and trying to understand. I certainly do not care about myself, but each time I think about the first moment my mother layed her eyes on me. I would be truly heartless not to endure for her, as long as I possibly can.

Why do I tell people that I hate myself. Why do I bleed myself onto this forum. Why do I share my pain? Well they do say misery loves company. Its never bad to have a outlet. But I express myself to people to tell them that they are not alone. To let them know there is someone out there that knows, feels and understand the pain they are experiencing.

I do not believe in God. Maybe someday that can be restored. But currently I do not. So I am not trying to make a "deal with God" to in some way justify any attempt on my own life. The kindness and compassion I try to show here is purely from my own empathy of those who share a similar or different hardship as me. I am sorry if you feel that is my intention.

It hurts when you ask me that since I am a empty vessel, what do I have to offer anyone. :'(. I ask myself that often. I fear you are right. I fear I have nothing to offer. That is why I dont feel I really matter. Anything I do at this point wont matter or really change the way people see and treat me. You cannot mask the truth. You cannot hold a lie forever. But I right now I am still not willing to accept that who I am currently is the truth. Depression is apart of my life, but it is not my life. I am digging.... vigorously at times, passively other times, but I dig into a deep muddy, dark, harsh ground within myself. Trying to find myself in a treasure box. Trying to find the treasure that I lost. That was buried so deep into the ground. I may never find it. Some treasures will never be found. They a buried far too deep into the ground. But I know it was once there. Right now, maybe I can find someone, who can help me dig. Maybe we can find it together. Maybe not. Maybe Im just not worth it. Maybe your right. Maybe there is no box. Or maybe there is nothing in it.

If you are saying I am worthless. I cannot too much disagree. At this point, I guess I am. But things can regain value over time. I know im unattractive. I have nothing to offer physically. I have nothing to offer so far as I financially secure life. But there is a reason why I starve for love and companionship despite lacking those things. I simply cannot live without them. But who knows, maybe oneday I will be able to build myself up physically. Maybe oneday the mirror will not be so harsh to look into. But I do know one thing. I feel that I can offer someone a unmeasurable love.

I do not know the truth. I do not mimic it. I know what I desire. I desire a life worth living. We all need someone. Thats why we seek help sometimes, to restore the light inside us. Whether it is fading or completely out. Life is not the wick, nor is it the candle. It is the burning. A burning desire to live, a burning desire to experience, a burning desire to love. Yes, I have no light. I have no burn. I do not wish to mimic someone elses. But I do believe that if you can find someone in your life that will share their flame, maybe my light can be ignited again.

 
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