I hate men sometimes. I hate mind games. They are stupid and pointless and hurt. Sometimes I wish that I never had a heart, so it couldn't be broken, and I wouldn't have to feel this pain. I don't understand what I did that was SO horrible to my recent ex... He acts so calm about our situation, and I am a crying mess. It is so hard to not pick up the phone and see how he is. The situation is so complicated, and lame.. I wish that I could just forget him altogether sometimes, forget all the lies he told me, forget all the times he said he would never leave, forget all the times he said that he wanted to get married. It hurts so bad, and I am trying to be strong, and not let my depression kick in, but sometimes, I can't help it. My heart feels like it is in the bottom of my stomach, and he just acts like it isn't affecting him... I wish I never said things to him that I did. I wish I wasn't so blind. I wish I could have seen that things aren't perfect, and there isn't any guy that is they prince that I have wanted all my life. I think about all the times he looked into my eyes and told me I was the one, and I was his girl forever, and the knife in my heart just twists even more.....
oh sweetie i am going through the same thing you are. i just got dumped by my ex about a month ago, and the pain still hurts. it hurts even more to know that he isn't affected by the break up-- he stopped loving me and caring about me altogether so it was easy for him. meanwhile i'm still a wreck, failing out of my classes and going to counseling. the worst part is, even though he doesn't love me anymore, he still talks to me and IMs me every single day to see how i am, and he even is trying to get back into my pants just to use me. the thing is, i know it would be so wrong, but i'm so tempted because i miss being held by him and all the things we used to do. whenever i see him all the old feelings rush back.
i too doubt if i'll ever find my knight in shining armor, i thought he was it but he wasn't. there's a lot of things about our relationship that i wish i could change too, but even if i could go back in time, things never would have worked out between us. sometimes we just have to accept the truth and the reality of a situation, no matter how much it hurts. sometimes we just have to suck it up and start to move on, no matter how hard it is to do that. i know what helps me deal is knowing that one day (i don't know when) i will find my prince charming who will sweep me off my feet and treat me like the princess i deserve to be treated like. if i just keep looking to the future and the possibilities of "what if" and what could happen and who i could meet, then it helps me sometimes forget about the present and how utterly hurt and destroyed i am.
i just wanted to let you know that i'm here for you. we're going through the same thing right now and it helps to have someone there for every step along the way. i hope you continue to post and share your experiences with us, and i hope to be able to help you more and be supportive of you. take care,