I have a very pessimistic view of things, and I believe most people tend to dismiss me as a "downer" in order to prevent it from spreading to them.
I have taken medication for depression in the past but they don't seem to do much good. The thing is, I can't really tell if this depression is a disease or if it is just my perspective on things. I have *always* had this perspective for my whole life. So could it be that what they mean is that *I* am the problem? That it is somehow wrong for me to think like this? But the way I think *is* who I am so removing the disease (depression) will be basically to kill my emotions, and thus kill myself. The thing is, I have legitimate reasons for thinking the way I do. I think mainly it comes from my having to be in situations I don't want to be in and having to do things I don't like doing for most of my life. It feels like my body doesn't really belong to me.
This is probably why I can't seem to stop thinking about death every day, almost obsessively. I view it as a big mystery and at the same time a way to be set free. Sometimes I rationalize suicide in telling myself that it really doesn't matter how someone goes out because we're all dead in the end. I don't feel motivated to actually do it, but it's something in the back of my mind that seems to haunt me.
some buddist sects eat their meals out of skulls - this to remind them of death each and everyday -however they look at death as a celebration to life - so in living life they try to do their best - so death is met with the best outlook and best attempt completed in living life as it came. Christian doctrine according to jesus and the skipper too (just joking) - says that one should turn their back on the world and not be of it even if you have to live in it. I think depression does this - it makes us turn our back on the world but its over kill because it also stops us from feeling much of anything except a great weight - of course the bible also says the poor in spirit will inherit everything - and as whole those suffering with deression in its many forms and varieties could be poster children for the poor in spirit -- camera pans in the guy is sitting on a bed - and on the bed is me - and the man says "little enoch won't be getting up today and he won't be getting up tomorrow and he didn't get up yesterday either - this little guy needs a shower or to brush his teeth - this little guy needs to have a conversation - but he won't because hes depressed - clinically depressed - won't you please help by sending your best jokes and best meds - do it now - so that little enoch can live without fear or bleakness and sorrow... camera pans out as phone number lights up the screen.. sorry got carried away with that.. you know what you said about suicide is a big question - the catholics seem to think you go to hell = yet the bible says samson killed himself and then was with god - he killed himself out of shame - but the way I see it = people here are killing themselves in all kinds of ways slowly - diet - lifestyle doing all kinds of things that are unhealthy - yet they continue with them - and I have known many that killed themselves and they were in pain and they were trashed out by life and the thoughts - and they had given up any hope that anything would ever change.. yet - even in this it seems that perhaps we are suppose to be poor in spirit because in this manner we come to something later on - even if its not here.. its like some people go to prison and thrive and others go to prison and die..
I don't think its good to think about dying all the time unless your thinking in terms of the good that might come out of it along spiritual lines - to be thinking about it as a way out might not work - it might not be a way out of the pain - only a way into other dimensions of existence where the hell of it all is magnified and ramified. I don't know - speculation - I once thought spiritual understanding would keep me from the act - yet I have been laid so low in the past that even that thought lost its way... yet I do go when needed and get help - in the form of meds that numb up and treat but do not cure... take heart for those that are young - I have been dealing with this for almost thirty years after the age of 18 when it came to stay - it can be done - well if it isn't whats the alternative? Even in the face of a heaven speculated to be so grand my only hope is that the smell of this life can be completely washed off - and gracious would be a god who would take every piece of memory of all of this and remove it to where even the memory in his own mind of it was gone. even those moments of greatness or goodness have only been 5 or 6 percent of the enitire show.
but the thing is Jay - the show was seen for some reason - beyond what we can fathom now.. - and if not then we will never know - I don't think believing in god and having faith is suppose to provide any sort of excused absense from feeling it all. perhaps those of us who do feel make up for all those who don't - maybe its about some sort of spiritual balance.
don't know - but its okay to be you - because - there ain't much choice.