I have a very pessimistic view of things, and I believe most people tend to dismiss me as a "downer" in order to prevent it from spreading to them.
I have taken medication for depression in the past but they don't seem to do much good. The thing is, I can't really tell if this depression is a disease or if it is just my perspective on things. I have *always* had this perspective for my whole life. So could it be that what they mean is that *I* am the problem? That it is somehow wrong for me to think like this? But the way I think *is* who I am so removing the disease (depression) will be basically to kill my emotions, and thus kill myself. The thing is, I have legitimate reasons for thinking the way I do. I think mainly it comes from my having to be in situations I don't want to be in and having to do things I don't like doing for most of my life. It feels like my body doesn't really belong to me.
This is probably why I can't seem to stop thinking about death every day, almost obsessively. I view it as a big mystery and at the same time a way to be set free. Sometimes I rationalize suicide in telling myself that it really doesn't matter how someone goes out because we're all dead in the end. I don't feel motivated to actually do it, but it's something in the back of my mind that seems to haunt me.