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Old 04-07-2004, 08:14 AM   #1
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Still Trying HB User
Question Can you Relate to Any of This??? Questions Overflowing.......

Hello Everyone,
Well, let me first say -- this is new to me and a big leap of faith in all of you. I have read many posts and find the honesty, depth and insight quite helpful. I come to you because this is a new resource and I have so many questions. So many thoughts about my "health" that I want to ask those who may relate. Perhaps you've been there and have some thoughts?

So, here it is. I was "diagnosed" with depression, OCD, anxiety and a few other fabulous things about 10 years ago. In retrospect, it's been there forever. Like everyone, there's a detailed story, but for simplicity's sake perhaps we can just say I moved a lot, never had any friends (the new kid always getting laughed at), come from a divorced/alcoholic/depressed family, could frequently do no right (conditional love big time!!), took care of myself from a VERY young age and my mom committed suicide with a few hate letters thrown in. Yeah, that should about sum it up.

While I have been going for meds and therapy for quite awhile, I'm kind of cynical about what to expect. Based on my experiences, I have decided there is no right answer and the doctors look for what their training tells them to which frequently isn't the right answer. If you're lucky they care about you, but more often than not you're a chemistry experiment and insurance card at best. I understand they have to distance themselves, but seriously - sometimes I wonder what kind of game it really is.

I've been on every kind of med there is and then some. At one point I was taking a "cocktail" of about 10-12 different meds/day. YIKES! Right now I'm "weaning" off 200 mg Zoloft and starting Effexor XR. I also take ambien and risperadal. The risperadal scares me, but what can you do?

I have a fantastic spouse who is my strength, love and hope. He is truly the one thing in my life that keeps me going. The depth of his love is astounding and completely unconditional. I don't even understand how he can love me so purely and completely, but he does and I cannot hurt him. Thus, I must keep trying. I cannot let him down - even if I'm prepared to let myself down. And so, I persevere!

So here's what I think about (boy this is becoming a LONG post - sorry!!) --

How does one maintain hope when you truly believe that life's a b*tch and then you die? Sure, you might have a good moment, but the hell between is what prevails. What does one hope for?

Why can't I just get over it and be happy or content? I have so many blessings but all I can hear is the noise in my head. How do you JUST GET OVER IT already? I'm so sick of being me.

How do you find peace to get you from moment to moment? I have bad days and I think....just get through this hour/afternoon/day and it'll be okay. But it turns into a massive amount of EMOTIONAL AVOIDANCE via whatever activity I can handle at the moment and before you know it, a month has gone by! Where's the line between "be gentle with yourself" and "just do it"? Which, of course, leads to a MAJOR mental flogging. No one is as hard on myself as I am. The mental beatings are very rough.

When you have something that has saved you (for me it's my art) and it no longer interests you what do you do? I feel like I walk in circles looking for something to help me cope and it's beyond me as to what the hell it is. I currently find my art overwhelming and have NO inspiration.

Inspiration. Motivation. Passion. Even a mild, passing interest would be good. Nothing interests me. So it's all time fillers and either becomes - YOU THINK TOO MUCH or some kind of avoidance activity. What do you do with that?

Okay, I'm making myself nauseous with this post. I feel like the motherload whiner, yet thought it worth the risk. Thank you in advance for your understanding. Hope your day is going as well as it can.

Thanks.

 
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Old 04-07-2004, 07:07 PM   #2
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possum HB User
Re: Can you Relate to Any of This??? Questions Overflowing.......

Quote:
Originally Posted by Still Trying
but more often than not you're a chemistry experiment and insurance card at best. I understand they have to distance themselves, but seriously - sometimes I wonder what kind of game it really is.
Unfortunately there is no way of knowing what medication will work for you. Some people don't even need medication, just counselling.

The doctors can only try medications on you and hope one works.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Still Trying
Why can't I just get over it and be happy or content? I have so many blessings but all I can hear is the noise in my head. How do you JUST GET OVER IT already? I'm so sick of being me.
When your cured you'll begin to feel happier and enjoy life and living. Keep trying with the medication and make sure your getting monitored when you start on a new medication.

Once you get the right medication and/or therapy, it'll be like waking from a never ending nightmare. Right now you can't see that, but it will happen providing you don't give up looking for the cure.
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Old 04-08-2004, 04:27 PM   #3
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bastila HB User
Re: Can you Relate to Any of This??? Questions Overflowing.......

Dear Friend

Keep trying. Seek new doctors, read everything you can on your type of depression. Look at nutrition. I went on a total organic diet, no food chemicals, no sugar (well a little chocolate), and my depression lifted for 9 months. I am diagonosed with dysimia, and overall sadness. When it came back it hit me hard. It had felt so good to be undepressed when it came back it was a let down. But i went to the dr. and i am on Lexapro. It is helping. Also my dr. said that if i would take up running (at least 4 times a week) and run till i experence the 'runners high' that this would take care of the depression. My dr. said exercize is the best medicine for depression.
Sincerely,
bastila

 
Old 04-08-2004, 11:59 PM   #4
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quincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB Userquincy HB User
Re: Can you Relate to Any of This??? Questions Overflowing.......

Hi Still Trying,

I have a husband as you do.....actually, you sound a lot like me.

I agree that therapy with a good psychologist or counsellor, CBT and antidepressants (individually or in combination) can give you insight and hope.

Sometimes we need to revisit the past, recognise it for what it was, if we need...forgive (internally) those who have wronged us and of whom we were victims (forgiveness is subjective), and then we need to make the decisions to not allow those events or people to hinder our progress in life. By letting go we can start to grow in who we are now. The past can't change, but the future can be made better through options and decisions.

Is it easy??? For some it is. For some it it's a struggle. For some it can never happen.

When we have options in life, we have hope.

For those of use who have felt rejected from those who brought us into the world..the scars are forever. I don't really think we will ever be able to develop fully until we give ourselves permission to be our own nurturers.

Imagine yourself at a young age, and you as old as you are now. Would you push that young you away or nurture her to grow in spirit and trust in herself?

Yesterday, my psychologist told me (to the effect of)...if we would recognise that life is a stuggle at times (and for some it's daily) and that there will be a CONSTANT of ups and downs and not a constant of ups or a constant of downs, it would just be less stressful. To truly understand it and to KNOW that's just what life is takes away the anxiety. If we would just live the moment and go on to the next.

*** He, nor I are talking about life CRISIS situations. It's about anxiety and panic in daily living...events we perceive as being threatening when in actuality they are neutral***

What we do is EXPECT it to be different than it is for us, for us to be cured, for it to be the ideal we want...we live daily in expectation and hopes that it will change...but will it ever really change? or is our interpretation or perception that will have to change the way we see our lives?

Sometimes we are afraid to risk. Even making decisions is a risk. Our acceptance of life is what our perspective or interpretation makes of it.

The behaviour of OCD, anxiety/panic attacks..etc. are a way we think we can control things when we feel out of control. It actually works against us..the vicious cycle that never ends because we have to work harder at it when we see it's not working any longer.

I've come to see that sometimes we are just afraid to risk making decisions that will change our lives. I know I have been and even though I've made many changes, I still am.

Therapy and the antidepressant I'm on now has helped my coping in this life of mine. But, I've come to see that I've been afraid to roll up my sleeves and take more risks than I've allowed myself to do.

I have dreams of what I want to do, what I need to do to change it all...I see it, I feel the motivation....yet I don't do it. Why?

I'm still working on it! But I do know I can't continue to go into my 50th year (and I still feel 20 -- but much slower and in poorer shape!) being who I've been afraid of being for so long.

Better late than NEVER. I'm willing to give it my best shot and cross the lines I've drawn around myself as protection from living my life. Scary when the reality hit that it's only once around.
Bummer!

(It's really the mood I'm in today -- must have been all those foil covered chocolate eggs I've eaten!)

Take it one step at a time, and if it's not so good, so what! Take the next step.

quincy
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TRUST yourself!

Believe in YOURSELF, NOT LUCK!

What is NORMAL?
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It's all a matter of perspective!

Last edited by quincy; 04-09-2004 at 12:21 AM. Reason: verbal diarrhea took over....couldn't stop it -- I tell you, it's the chocolate!!

 
Old 04-09-2004, 01:00 AM   #5
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lori j HB User
Re: Can you Relate to Any of This??? Questions Overflowing.......

How does one maintain hope when you truly believe that life's a b*tch and then you die? Sure, you might have a good moment, but the hell between is what prevails. What does one hope for?

Why can't I just get over it and be happy or content? I have so many blessings but all I can hear is the noise in my head. How do you JUST GET OVER IT already? I'm so sick of being me.


Oh boy, does that ever sound like me! I have had dep. my whole life, I'm sure, but been on meds for only the past 7 years. During that time, being on meds I did not have any therapy, as the med I was put on was by my family doc & it worked great, so I didn't think I needed anything else. Well, last summer sometime, it quit working!!! I'm still trying to find a new one that works ( no fun, I'm sure you know all about that one).
Anyway, somewhere along the line in those 7 years, I must have taught myself some coping skills along with the meds. I used to feel that same way, lifes a b!tch & then you die! But, I am not at the moment on any AD only taking Klonopin at bedtime to help me sleep & I am coping. I know keeping busy is the answer, but like you said, you have to be busy with something you are interested in & also be motivated. Some days I'm just not motivated for anything. Most days, I can keep my head above water & not think that way. I have learned (somehow) to push those thoughts out of my head as soon as they appear. I have been doing pretty good just living one day at a time & not projecting into the future, which can cause us lots of problems when we do that.
It's just a matter of learning to push those thoughts out & find something, anything to keep busy. I know I shop way too much, but I figure even if it is another addiction, it's not a bad one as long as I don't put us in bankruptcy. I love to shop to give things to others, that is what gives me joy. I also spend lots of time with my gkids, quality time, times they will remember. I hate winter, so that is a hard time for me to try to cope, but now with spring & summer on the way, my mood is better.
I could go on & on,but for now this is good. I'm sure we'll talk again soon, seems like we have a lot in common.
Welcome

 
Old 04-09-2004, 01:06 AM   #6
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possum HB User
Re: Can you Relate to Any of This??? Questions Overflowing.......

Quote:
Originally Posted by quincy
I've come to see that sometimes we are just afraid to risk making decisions that will change our lives. I know I have been and even though I've made many changes, I still am.

Therapy and the antidepressant I'm on now has helped my coping in this life of mine. But, I've come to see that I've been afraid to roll up my sleeves and take more risks than I've allowed myself to do.
I have spent 3 years working on a "project". Over 90% of the project was ready to be commercialized 3 years ago.

So what have I done over the last 3 years. Well not much. The product and prototype were slowly refined, but this is no excuse for not getting "legal protection" years ago. I have lost thousands upon thousands of dollars due to indecision. Even now that I am making decisions, with the help of an anti-depressant, there haven't been any changes to the actual business plan.

So what's the problem? Well I still can't answer that! What I have found, is that the anti-depressant has brought circulation to my hands and feet (for the first time since I can remember), stopped light-headedness, fatigue and nausea. I have control over an OCD problem (which didn't really bother me: till soap skyrockets in price) I've had since a child and didn't expect to be helped. I do have sleepiness and yawning problems from the anti-depressant, but the symptoms it cured are significantly worse than the side-effects. Some symptoms I didn't even know I had till they disappeared and I mentioned them to my GP for confirmation.

Fatigue is the reason I went to the doctor, but it was indecision that finally convinced me to try a medication. I refused to believe I was suffering from clinical depression. Surely I had some virus or chemical imbalance which would show up in a blood test. Unfortunately none of the tests showed anything wrong.

The online CBT (Moodgym) has also shown me where I have had many negative thoughts. Infact I'm almost as bad as one can be for criticizing oneself. While CBT helps with those "warpy" thought processes, I couldn't imagine CBT helping with those daily decision I have had trouble making (what shall I eat, wear, clean first, buy, etc. when shall I mow the lawn, do the shopping, clean the clothes, etc.) as I have in the past. I used to think too much about things I just needed to do. When the medication started to "kick in" I found indecision disappearing. Even though I was drowsy, I was doing things as opposed to thinking about when I should do them.



Quote:
Originally Posted by quincy
Yesterday, my psychologist told me (to the effect of)...if we would recognise that life is a stuggle at times (and for some it's daily) and that there will be a CONSTANT of ups and downs and not a constant of ups or a constant of downs, it would just be less stressful. To truly understand it and to KNOW that's just what life is takes away the anxiety. If we would just live the moment and go on to the next.
I heard this sort of thing from counsellors. To me it didn't really help because I would have times which were not highs, but were certainly not lows either, then I'd have bouts of fatigue, lightheadedness, lack of concentration, inability to memorize or remember even simple things, cold sweats (not related to an axiety attack) and a variety of anxiety attacks.

For years I have left things for first thing in the morning (or very late at night when I was younger) to do difficult things. While the psychologist was refering to something different, I would "mold" his definition to fit with my life, and then agree that "YES THAT IS WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING" when it's actually not. I would have the ups and downs multiple times every day and I accepted this.

One of the problems I have had (and still do) was realizing What is NORMAL? (now where have I seen that question before )
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