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Old 04-12-2004, 02:19 AM   #1
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aleve777 HB User
Unhappy Spiraling out of control....

I am completely losing control over my life. I have let everything fall apart and then some....I run from my problems/mistakes and will avoid them until there is nowhere else to hide..(and by that I mean one of my professors coming to track me down in my room)....I'm a college student and I haven't been to some of my classes in almost a month. Once I miss one, I have anxiety attacks about going back and every night before one of these classes, I dellude myself into thinking I'll actually go tomorrow, but I never do. I am so far behind in the work, I can't seem to focus or do anything. I have a lot of eating issues but I am not a full blown anorexic...I also have ADD and am on adderall (55-65mg/day) and am an insomniac...Nothing seems worth it, I feel like I am living in a fantasy wolrd and just trying to think about what is going to happen when I am thrown back into reality makes me want to run as far away, from everything and everyone I've ever known, as possible...I was losing a lot of weight in the beginning of the semester and was very proud of myself but now I find myself letting that go as well...everything seems so hopeless...I don't know...this is not "me" typing this, feeling this, going through this...but I know it is....how did I get so ********** up to feel this disconnected and alone from my own self?!? My parents have no idea what is going on (they are in another state) and I think my college friends may have some clue but know "me" well enough to know I'd only get extra defensive if one of them said something....i've trapped myself inside these walls I've built and now they're crumbling down on top of me..and no one knows i'm underneath...

 
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Old 04-12-2004, 06:53 AM   #2
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possum HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

Would it be wise to let go of a few subjects to lighten your work load so you can concentrate on your health?

You better make an appointment with a college counsellor As Soon As Possible, that's ASAP ... don't think about this, DO IT!
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Old 04-12-2004, 07:58 AM   #3
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MermaidMer HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

hi! i would definitely recommend speaking with someone at school. Be it an RA or school counselor, go talk to someone who can give you some advice about what to do. maybe you could drop some classes or at least take an incomplete until you finish the work, when you're up to it. college is a stressful time in anyone's life. i'm going through a similar thing as you. i'm in the process of dropping a class, and it's incredibly stressful. i just find it unbearable to go to that class anymore, and i'm failing it, so i'm going to drop it. and if i can't drop it, i'm taking an incomplete until i finish the work. i hope everything works out for you!

~merfrinkle

 
Old 04-12-2004, 03:41 PM   #4
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aleve777 HB User
Thumbs down Re: Spiraling out of control....

So one of my professors emailed me today, I didn't even bother to read the whole thing but basically she wants me out of the class, I got a C- on the midterm, missed a paper, and haven't been to class in I don't even know how long. This will be the second class I've dropped this semester and I haven't even bothered to try and at least prepare my mom for any of this; she thinks I'm doing great, I already lied to her about my grades from last semester...I haven't slept in 3 days and haven't eaten anything in 2 so I know my perception may be a little distorted but I honestly don't see any point to it any more. I hate myself, I am not happy, I have such a dependence on my medication, I literally can not get out of bed without it and that's not how it's supposed to be. I know I should tell my doctor that and stop taking it immediately but like I said, I can't function without it. Also, I know I should see a counselor, every day I'm like "ok, I'll make an appointment" or "I'll go during walk-in hours" but I can't make myself. I'm not schizophrenic (sp?), at least I don't think I am, but it's like I say these things and in the back of my mind I know it will never happen, although for awhile I was even fooling myself. I've also heard stories about the counselors and apparently they are not the best, kind of "stupid", unconcerned, judgemental, and very mean; I don't think I could take someone yelling at me right now. Everything I do is so self-destructive and I know this and I can see it coming but it's like I don't even care, I am making it so much harder for myself and I know the longer I wait, the worse off I'm going to be. If only I could have just kept going to these classes, miss one class big deal, miss half the semester and your professors think you've already dropped the course. I don't even respond to their emails nor did I ever bother to contact them when I first disappeared. I know I can't change the past but at this point I don't have a future so what am I supposed to do? My friends have no idea what is going on either, I feel so alone and like such a manipulative and horrible person, I don't want to lie to them, I want to tell them and be able to talk about it but it's so much easier to pretend. I feel like I keep making the situation worse and more hopeless in order to rid myself of my last ounce of will to fix things, to fix my life...I am beyond defeated, I just don't see how it is worth it... I have let everyone down, I have turned into this horrible, selfish, and strange person and I don't want to be her and I can't go back....

 
Old 04-12-2004, 04:52 PM   #5
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Foxbluff HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

Please pick up the phone and call your mother.

Sooner or later your mother will have to know what you're going thru this month. Please love and trust her enough to let her know while she can still help you. PLEASE LOVE HER ENOUGH.

Please pick up the phone and call your mother.

 
Old 04-12-2004, 07:01 PM   #6
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possum HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

Quote:
Originally Posted by aleve777
I feel like I keep making the situation worse and more hopeless in order to rid myself of my last ounce of will to fix things, to fix my life...I am beyond defeated, I just don't see how it is worth it
Certainly your career and life are worth something else you wouldn't be going through all this turmoil.

TO ME, it sounds like your medication is not working, well not the way it should.

Ring mum (get that off you chest first), get an appointment with a counsellor NOW! then go see your GP.

Your situation will not heal itself. I'd also recommend you "apologize" to all your teachers/instructors/professors (so they know what you've been going through).
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Old 04-14-2004, 12:10 PM   #7
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cannoli33 HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

Hi, I know how you feel. Going to school is the most difficult thing in the world for me. It makes me feel 100 times worse about myself than I already do. I even get myself ready in the morning with my backpack ready to go. And right when I should be leaving the house I say to myself does it really matter if I miss another class??? And I dont go. I just did that this morning. School is the last thing on your mind when you are feeling like sh_t about yourself. I have to say that by lying to everyone you are making things harder for yourself. It takes a real effort to have cover for whats really going on. If you dont want to see a counselor, confide in the person you feel closest to. Someone that you know will not judge you but will offer you comfort and support. That is what you need. If you have to drop some courses then do it. It will be better than having to make up for an F because you never dropped the classes. It doesnt make you a bad person. Frankly I think it sucks that to get ahead we have to go college. Its just a process of learning to memorize and puking up that stored info. How exciting and meaningful! I hope you can take the step to talk with that person you trust. If it is your mom that is even better, if not, it is at least someone whose shoulder you can cry on. I hope you feel better. And make sure you talk with a doc about your meds. Dont self medicate or demedicate. I have done that and it can make things worse. You will get thru this.
Dave

 
Old 04-14-2004, 01:45 PM   #8
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Genabeena HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

You can always still make a recovery no matter how bad it gets. In fact, as soon as you feel you have really hit bottom, that's a good indication that you've got nowhere left to go but back up. You just have to get to a point in life sometimes where you are finally so uncomfortable that you finally say, "that's it, I can't let this get any worse. So I'm going to take the first step today- now- and start the process of reversing the downward trend."

You've already come to the boards. That's a positive step. Maybe the next step is coming up with a plan of action. Get it straight in your head what is the right thing to do. The right thing- not the easiest way out, not the quickest fix. Ask your heart. Once you see the whole plan laid out before you, I bet you'll feel a lot better about actually carrying it out.

Surely you can find someone nearby you who would be interested in helping you with your predicament. A college university is a big place. Teachers and counsellors generally are in that profession because they had a drive to help people and make our world better. They're not all in it for the right reasons, but I'm just telling you what I've found to generally be true as an education major myself.

 
Old 04-14-2004, 03:03 PM   #9
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LunaCat4 HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

Wow Aleve, when I read this I felt like I was reading about myself! i know exactly what you're going through and how you feel. I have the same issues with weight and medication as you. And I go to college too.And I've been skipping classes alot lately. And I know how difficult it is to talk to your mom about stuff, especially when it comes to school. I had to unfortunatlely drop one of my classes this semester because of stress and the fact that i was failing it and my mom understands but just sounded disappointed. But she was the first person I went to talk to about it. Give your mom a try, or like everyone else said, talk to someone you trust. But know that we are here at the boards and don't give up hope.

 
Old 04-14-2004, 04:06 PM   #10
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iRiSh_GiRL11 HB User
Lightbulb Re: Spiraling out of control....

SWEET---> i relate SO much to ur story!!

it's awesome to come online and find someone who can actually identify with @ least part of whats going on wit my life...

should i Xplain wat i've been though?? ... i started to write a post but it's acutally kinda really long lol... sooo idk someone tell me if ur actaulyl gunna read it or if it's a waste of time. haha

 
Old 04-16-2004, 08:36 AM   #11
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Genabeena HB User
Re: Spiraling out of control....

IMO, it's appropriate to post if you have a similar story. Some people really find a good deal of benefit in hearing how others have been through a similar predicament and how they dealt with it. It can be very reasuring to hear that people can make it out of these situations and recover from it. Or if it's an ongoing situation it may just be nice for Aleve and yourself to feel less alone.

I just want to give anyone going through this kind of situation a big (((HUG))). College Universities in particular are not the healthiest of environments to have to survive in. It needs to be changed, but the evolution of any college university is so slow it's almost non-existent. Just don't be too hard on yourself if you feel you're not succeeding. The education system itself is far from perfect and is at least partly responsible for many of the challenges and obstacles students face.

 
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