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Old 04-12-2004, 06:15 AM   #1
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babylou17 HB User
really really depressed

Last year I had a miss carriage and it has really really upset me. Even after a year it still hurts so much. I cry when I see baby on tv or on the street. I feel so selfish becuase I cant let go. I really beat myself up about it. I blame myself becuase I think that it's my fault becuase I am usless. This year has been the longest ever.

I should be holding something so special in my arms and i am not and it eats me up inside. I have had no support off my family becuase they dont know. I know that is my fault but I didnt want to be dissapointed. I was 3 months when I lost my baby. I just want to hold her and feed her when she cried (I thought she would be a girl)

Thanks for listening and any tips on letting go would really be helpful.
Kirsty

 
Old 04-12-2004, 10:31 AM   #2
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franjava22 HB User
Re: really really depressed

Your doctor can recommend coucelling. That could help a lot. I had a miscarriage too. I know how much it hurts. Please don't feel useless. The majority of miscarriages are a woman's first pregnancy and occur during the first trimester. The cause could have been anything. It could have been your body not being sure what to do (I think that was my problem. When I got pregnant again four months later, I had a WONDERFUL pregnancy!) or there could have been something wrong with the embryo from the begining and it couldn't have lived. I know people who have smoked, drank, and done drugs and their babies were born healthy and around their due dates. I was an EMT and lifted 200 pound people on a regular basis until my second trimester (during my second pregnancy.) You can do tons of things wrong and still have a healthy baby... you can do everything right and have a miscarriage or a baby with something wrong with it. As much as people hate hearing this, it will get easier if you get pregnant again. I had people telling me to wait a year or so before trying again. I didn't. As soon as my doctor gave me the go ahead, I was pregnant again. My daughter didn't replace the other child, but she was something else to focus on - positively - and someone adorable and sweet to love. Don't blame yourself. Your doctor probably isn't worrying about the cause, right? Your pain may never go away, but you'll certainly feel better if you stop blaming yourself. Your lost baby is not angry with you. There's no reason you should be angry or depressed. Sad, maybe... but not depressed. You need to move on. Your baby will not be forgotten. Mourn like you would any death, but find joy in the living.

 
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Old 04-12-2004, 12:49 PM   #3
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babylou17 HB User
Re: really really depressed

Councelling never worked for me. I didnt even know I lost my verginity until I missed my period. I believe that I was drugged. But all the same I still loved my baby. My dr said the miss carriage was due to stress because I was doing my end of school exams (GCSE's) when I had my miss carriage. I was 3 months along.

I found out the guy who got me pregnant was going to get married to someone else plus he had a child already. A day after I found out I had a miss carriage.

I want to try again but I cant help but think about having a miss carriage again it scares the hell out of me.

Thank you for the support
Kirsty

 
Old 04-12-2004, 07:05 PM   #4
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possum HB User
Re: really really depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by babylou17
end of school exams (GCSE's) when I had my miss carriage
You are so young.

You have more years than you've been alive to find the right person, settle down and have a loving family.

Don't rush into anything please.
__________________
Mr designer, if your fashion is so good, why do you need expensive models?

 
Old 04-13-2004, 12:59 PM   #5
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crabbycdn HB User
Re: really really depressed

You need to let yourself grieve. When you became pregnant your body and your emotions began to prepare for your baby. It takes time for your emotions and your body to recover.

Last edited by crabbycdn; 01-27-2006 at 10:03 PM.

 
Old 04-14-2004, 03:20 AM   #6
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babylou17 HB User
Re: really really depressed

thank you all for your advice.
possum You are right I was young I was 16. even though I had alot to deal with I still managed to get passes (mostly C's).

I might try another counceller but my last one was no good for me. She was really snotty and looked down at me for getting pregnant at such a young age.

Thanks again for all your support

Kirsty

 
Old 04-14-2004, 03:25 AM   #7
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: really really depressed

I had a miscarriage over a year ago and it still affects me deeply today. When you lose a baby you don't only suffer the loss then, it's the rest of their life you grieve for. The chance to hold and love that baby, watch it grow into a child and then an adult. I've often felt guilty about it myself and wonder if extreme worrying and stress (which I tended to do back then) could have caused it.

I won't insult you by saying well you are young, you'll have more. I may have done prior to my own miscarriage but now I know better because it's not other children you are grieving for...it's THAT one.

All I can say is take your time to get over it, I still have the odd cry, usually around the time of my period but don't rush into getting pregnant again just to make up for that loss. You never will make up for it because it was an individual child.

I feel for ya...keep strong.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 10:41 AM   #8
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franjava22 HB User
Re: really really depressed

Babylou, I didn't realize how young you were when I wrote my earlier post. I agree that you should probably go back to councelling with someone who'll work with you. It's one thing for a councellor to think you're irresponsible for getting pregnant so young or outside of a marriage or whatever, but to make you aware of those feelings is completely unprofessional and detrimental to your healing. It just makes you feel worse. Find someone good. Please. I know you're going to be scared for future pregnancies, but every pregnancy is a risk. I probably speak for every woman out there when I say I was scared to death when I got pregnant the second time. I didn't fully celebrate my pregnancy until I passed the mark when my first baby died. Even then, I worried a lot. And mine was a good pregnancy!!!!! You will worry, be scared, and still grieve in the future. However, it will get easier over time. Good luck!

 
Old 04-16-2004, 03:51 AM   #9
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babylou17 HB User
Re: really really depressed

I have been looking and I have talked to my dr but the waiting list is like 5 months.

Thanks for all you advice and support I am very very grateful.
Kirsty

 
Old 04-19-2004, 11:40 AM   #10
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tamnter HB User
Re: really really depressed

wow, i know how you feel. i had about 4 miscarriages before finally carrying my last son to term, then another 3 or 4 after having him, hoping for a girl. after i had him i also ended up with a molar pregnancy for which i had to take chemo for a while. needless to say, i decided to be happy with the three boys i had and stop trying. what a hard time to go through. it is very hard to come to terms with these kinds of things. the best thing i did to feel better was to think that someday in heaven i could hold all those babies! i wish i had a magic answer for you. just endure and hold tight to the ones who love you, they will help!
tammy

 
Old 04-19-2004, 11:47 AM   #11
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thalia HB User
Wink Re: really really depressed

Well....... I have for you these words "Everything happens for a reason. Life, death, sickness, health, agony, happiness. If the world were perfect, nothing to endure, the all would be lost for there would be no reason for living. All lifes complications make you a stronger person within. Pain must come before happiness. This will all make you a stronger & better person in the end"

 
Old 04-19-2004, 02:05 PM   #12
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crabbycdn HB User
Re: really really depressed

Well, not ALL of life's problems are a benefit. As well, life's problems DO NOT always make us stronger within. Sometimes, they build upon each other until you are sitting under a great big mountain of CRAP and you are simply unable to drag yourself out of it. When in the midst of depression or crisis, each new event is viewed through "depressed eyes". Your logic is like saying that having a heart attack with make you a better and strong person and give you a stronger heart.

My depression started 4 years ago when my youngest son was molested. The toll it took on us financially, emotionally and physically was unspeakable. The private counseling and the court case and the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the isolation in the community, the shame our son felt almost destroyed us. For ANYONE and I mean ANYONE to have the cold audacity to tell me that my child's experience was in any way FOR THE BEST and that in some way this whole HORRIFIC experience would make us stronger or better people needs to pull their head out of the sand.

Platitudes and well-worn phrases do not help ANYBODY. Let me give you a little bit of advice....this mindset is quite popular but offers VERY LITTLE comfort to somebody who is in crisis. It is just one more way of saying "buck up, it's all for the best".

 
Old 04-20-2004, 02:59 AM   #13
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babylou17 HB User
Re: really really depressed

thank you ALL for your advice and support.

crabbycdn I am so sorry to hear about your son. I sit under about 100 diffrerent things before I decide to do something about it. I take everyones problems on with me and my own and I end up in a state. I worry about friends and I worry about being a good girlfriend. I am just one big worrier.

thalia I dont feel very strong at the moment may be later in life but not right now. I cry when anything goes wrong or my friends or bf is upset or they are going through a bad time. There are times when I dont get out of bed. I just hide away.

tamnter I am so sorry to hear about your 4 micc carriages. One is bad enoguh I couldnt inagine how it feels to lose 4. I would have given up after the first to. I am like that I just give up. It just shows how strong I am (not very)

Thanks again all of you
Kirsty

 
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