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Old 04-14-2004, 11:57 AM   #1
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Genabeena HB User
I just want him out!

I feel like my husband (soon to be ex) is a major roadblock keeping me from conquering my depression. As long as he is in my house I have to sleep on the couch or in the basement. Almost every time we run into each other, there is a negative exchange. He still heavily accuses me of being mentally instable and out of touch with reality (and not in a very tactful way). And besides that, there are also all of the hundreds of little annoyances that have to do with him being a generally ineffectual, apathetic, and inconsiderate person.

We've gotten through the, "yes I've decided we're getting a divorce, and it is going to happen no matter what" talk. Now I'm trying to get him to agree to an uncontested divorce so we can do it with the least cost and the least negative effects for our daughters. He is obviously fighting with every fiber of his being to keep this divorce from happening. He hasn't exactly moved mountains to convince me that our relationship can be improved, but he just doesn't want the divorce to be made final, so he is dragging his heels, coming up with every excuse he can think of. He tries the hard-line approach and then when that doesn't work with me he softens up and goes to the opposite extreme to see if that will work.

Right now he is taking the stance that before we can file for the divorce, we have to sit down with a professional mediator to hash out all the details and sign and agreement. I'm sick of all this. I want my life back. I want to feel normal again. I want him out. He makes me so mad. It gets to where I can't stand the sight of him. I am not in the mood to sit down with him and a mediator. If I do Iím just playing his little game. At the same time, I think my only other option is to seek a contested divorce. I donít want to be at war with him. I had been hoping we could remain sort of as friends, but it feels to me like he keeps provoking me. I donít want to fly off the handle and start a war, but Iím at the end of my patience. Iím tired. Iím sick. I need your perspectives.

 
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Old 04-14-2004, 02:01 PM   #2
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cardinal HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Have you tried counseling? sometimes a third party can see things that you all can not. Divorce is such a hoffific thing to go thru, I know, been there a few times. If there is any chance, atleast live your life the way you want and stay married? It really isn't better out there, atleast if there is a chance to solve some of your troubles???
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Old 04-14-2004, 03:33 PM   #3
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Man Apart HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Gena, I would have to differ with some of what Cardinal is saying. As you said in the first line of you rpost. Your husband is no longer a ally to you and your progression to overcome your depression and has become more or less your roadblock. I dont find him to be much of a rational and empathitic person. I certainly dislike the fact hes trying to convince you that your mentally unstable.

Theres really no good, effective, clear cut way to deal with a irrational person who really does not have your best interest in mind. Just stick to your guns, dont buy the bull crap and if there is ANY possible way you can find somewhere else to go, or consider moving in with your parents til you find another place, I would consider that also.

And Gena, please dont forget, this is a big decision in your life, one that deep in your heart you must make for the sake of yourself and your children. Theres no part of this divorce that is going to be easy. Just please, dont give in and dont look back. Let him make his little stand all he wants. If he is going to make it hard on you then make it hard on him. Dont allow him to prolonge it as long as he can. I have no idea what you legal options are in a divorce. Ive never even had a girlfriend... But whatever they are, exhaust all of them and sit down and talk with someone about what your legal options are, what you can do, any way you can go about breaking these chains, no matter what it is and no matter what reprecussion it has on him.

So far as his little annoyances. Um, ignore him completely. I dont know this guy well, but any dialogue or communication your maintaining with him that doesnt involve the kids, food, and bills, is pretty insignificant and you go crazy trying to reason with someon ewho is unreasonable. Kill him with kindness. Just say "im sorry you feel that way.", Ive made my decision, its not open to discussion anymore and unless you want to discuss the issues concerning a uncontested divorce, theres nothing else we need to talk about."

I dont know much else to say. I cant relate as you know. Never been anywhere close to a relationship. But hopefully others can give their input and help you moreso than I can. Just stay strong, calm, and keep your composure. Everything will fall in place and youll be able to get by this roadblock.

 
Old 04-14-2004, 04:48 PM   #4
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possum HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genabeena
As long as he is in my house I have to sleep on the couch or in the basement. Almost every time we run into each other, there is a negative exchange.
I'm in an opposite situation ...

I'm currently seperated. You need to be apart for at least a year before you can get a divorce here!

When my wife and I get together things go well. In other words we are NOT living together.

I would imagine the first step would be for either you or your husband to move out for a period of time.

I have no idea whether my wife and I will get together again, which is a possibility, but being apart has given us a new perspective on our relationship.

(Note: I have "clinical" depression. I had been suffering for many years. My depression does not stem from external factors)
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Old 04-14-2004, 10:18 PM   #5
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enoch HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Buttons - buttons who got the buttons - come on now - as intelligent as you are - have you not seen the clouds come and go - watch the things that he tries the learned buttons he has come to know to push - they will not work if you are aware he is pushing them - if you are intelligent he in his own way has learned to dig beyond that - not play fair - go for the throat shot - in his own way - in his own way he plays - not nice - you have ruined his kingdom where he was god - gods do not like to be dethroned - it is why people die all the time - new boyfriends - anyone involved in the dethroning of the king from his kingdom.. you argued the point of ego well - not understanding I use the word differently than freud - to me the ego is the flash god that sets itself up in place of god - but your seeing it up close - as if everything that led to this is being proven out? counselors? third party mediators? that only leads to who presents themselves best under the headlights - the intellectual diatribes of the space ball ricochet - I think the thing here my friend is watching the clouds come and then go - they will not stay - even ice clouds must move eventually. for you part to NOT react - do not react - do not attempt to change the horizontal - do not mess with the vertical - just sit quietly and do not play the game.. game game game - you will notice a shift in everything if you do not response or react - you will deflate the proceedings - gods lose interest if they get no response.. even writing about it - or thinking about it - is movement caused by his strings.. but but but - you say? lol.... trust me on this one..

be aware of it all - the flavor the texture - the bait - but don't take it.

Last edited by enoch; 04-14-2004 at 10:22 PM.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 11:19 AM   #6
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Genabeena HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoch
Buttons - - do not attempt to change the horizontal - do not mess with the vertical -
be aware of it all - the flavor the texture - the bait - but don't take it.
Thank you for the advice. This is a particularly good one right here.

We're way way past therapy and counseling. I know that divorce is rather un-PC right now, but so is childbirth out of wedlock, right? So I've already crossed that line. Trust me, the whole thing is complex and it's a monotonous story. My reasons for getting a divorce now are many, and this relationship AINT gettin' any better.

As for living apart, that's not an option until after the divorce because if one of us leaves the house, it could be construed later on (in a court of law) as dessertion or (maybe) even kidnapping- I don't know, perhaps if I were to take the kids and leave, for example.

I'm also under somewhat of a time constraint, because there is a teacher job fair coming up this tuesday. If I can't get a job in my state (which is highly likely because we certainly don't have a teacher shortage here) then I may have to take a job in another state and take the kids with me. So, basically, I'm feeling a little pressed for time. I feel as though we really need to go ahead and get some things figured out here in a pretty timely fashion.

As for the advice to ignore him, that is good for me to remember. I already feel a little better able to stick up for myself and be more of an individual now that I feel less obligated to listen to and tolerate his crap just in the name of keeping the peace. It feels goooooood.

Yesterday, after work, he started setting in with his usual, "what do you want to do for dinner? Huh? Huh? You want Arby's? Taco Bell? Subway? I've got a gig tonight, so we have to hurry up..... (sigh...SIGH) O.k...well, do you want to go home and make sandwiches?"

And finally I just said, "How about, I'll drop you off at home, you can get your quick sandwich, and I'll take the girls out and we can relax and have a decent meal. I'm sick of eating junky fast food and I'm sick of being rushed through dinner." I said, "I've had a long day and I'm tired and want to relax. Don't make all of us rush through dinner just because you have somewhere you have to be." So I did just that, dropped him off and went down to the family diner with the girls, and I didn't feel a bit guilty. (Well maybe just a bit, but I shook it off.) Before this whole divorce thing I would have never done that. I would have tried to "make the best of things."

Thanks for your input everybody. I'm always very sympathetic to you, Possum, when you speak about your situation. It sounds like you still care for her. It is a little different from our situation, because ours has been a relatively impersonal and passionless marriage. I'm certainly not going to miss him much, and (regardless of how difficult he's been about the divorce proceedings) I don't believe my husband is going to miss me much either. I do think he and I can still be friends.

He has his good points, and I think he's generally a nice guy. We're just not able to fulfill one another's needs within the context of a romantic/marriage relationship.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 12:46 PM   #7
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crabbycdn HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Okay, this is where I tick EVERYBODY off. If you are in a state of major depression, you likely ARE emotionally unstable. Some of the major symptoms of depression are inability to concentrate, inability to make decisions, irrational behavior, anger, insomnia, paranoia, alienation, etc. When you are experiencing these types of symptoms, this is NOT the time to be making a life-changing decision. Living with somebody who is depressed is not so easy either. I struggle with depression myself but we also have an 18-year old son who suffers from clinical depression. When he is in a very depressed state, he is angry, belligerant, irrational, paranoid, thinks we don't understand or really love him, thinks we intentionally provoke him. Almost everytime he has been in this state he has packed his bags and moved out, saying that WE are the cause of his depression. I totally understand since I have packed my own bags several times. Being at both ends of this (being depressed and loving somebody who is depressed) gives me a little insight into how my husband feels. There is nothing to be lost except a little time if you go to a counsellor. However, you could sacrifice not just your relationship with your husband but also with your children if you do not try. Also, I would caution you NOT to be making major decisions like this when you are so angry. After counselling and some time to reflect, you may decide that the marriage is not salvageable. In the end you will know that you at least tried and that the decision was made with a clear head, not with one clouded by anger and frustration. Perhaps, as has been suggested, a trial separation might give you both some time to decompress a little. At some point you will need to recognize that HE is suffering as well. Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-15-2004, 01:14 PM   #8
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cardinal HB User
Re: I just want him out!

everyone has given great advice, but each situation is different. I still think if you keep doing what you believe is best for you and your children you are on the right track. Go with your "gut", that will guide you. If after you stop doing to "please' him and start pleasing yourself and your kids he still hasn't seen the light, yes I would go! Atleast you know you have done all you can and living for someone else is no way to live, you are no good to them if you are not good to yourself first!!! the old saying, you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. Life is too short to be unhappy, start living and enjoy!!! hey maybe it will rub off on him?
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Old 04-15-2004, 11:28 PM   #9
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enoch HB User
Re: I just want him out!

crabby - sometimes clinical or major depression is not episodic sometimes it is a way of life - and sometimes things in life have nothing do with depression and people with it - they are just things that happen to everyone regardless - and I sometimes think making decisions is highly over rated - near the age of 50 I see that most every decision ever made after much thought and debate had outcomes that were not much different than decisions made in ten seconds - dust in the wind.. we think we know something about something and we know very little about anything.. don't get me wrong I am not saying sit in a corner till you die - I am just saying decisions are only an illusion that we are somehow controlling destiny with our own will. when the reality is we can live with what ever comes our way - until we don't want to anymore
and placating our depression and saying we shouldn't make a decision because we are not well is like hiding behind straw. waiting to get better? how long a wait is that? clinical depression is not situational depression but situational depression can weigh in with clinical depression and the quagmire gets a bit deeper.. its not so much reaching a decision as much as in this case seeing the ship is sinking and its time to get off - instead of having tea 20,000 leagues under the sea..

Last edited by enoch; 04-15-2004 at 11:30 PM.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 08:04 PM   #10
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crabbycdn HB User
Re: I just want him out!

You raise some very good points Enoch. It is always beneficial to hear somebody else's perspective on things. I especially like your point about putting decisions off until we are "better". Unfortunately, I have made some of my rashest, worst and most regrettable life-decisions when I have been in the midst of depression. Finding the balance is a struggle. Thank you for the perspective though.

Cheers!

 
Old 04-26-2004, 09:10 PM   #11
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melliej19 HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Thank god someone is feeling the same way I am. I feel like I cant be a better person when I have this man around that is afraid to talk to me and doesnt know what to do when I get the way I do. I think that in order for me to be a better person and more loving mom that he needs to go. I have tried to tell him I'm not happy with him and yet he just doesnt get it. I need someone that supports me not someone that is going to make things worse for me.

 
Old 04-27-2004, 03:21 AM   #12
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Kcollin2 HB User
Re: I just want him out!

I personaly dont know what you are going through , cuz i am not married, but .. having someone who is in your like that is a negitive influence. .. is not a good thing .. you need to get rid of the negs in your life and put more of the positives..

 
Old 04-27-2004, 03:10 PM   #13
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Genabeena HB User
Re: I just want him out!

Mellie, if you are in a situation like mine then I deeply sypathize. I just can't argue strenously enough that the whole purpose of a romantic/marriage relationship is for the two individuals to lift one another up and help each partner to achieve their full potential- maximize on his/her strengths and talents.

If we are not doing that, then what are we doing? We're doing the opposite.

I could totally envision being friends who live in the same town and even hang out together every once in a while. But lovers we are not. He deserves more, I deserve more. Listening to Enoch has done me some good. Even though there are some time constraint pressures, I've been sitting on the divorce matter. My husband's discontent over the fact that I have asked for a divorce is growing.

I removed my wedding ring months ago, but he had still been wearing his.... until just recently. Yesterday, husband was at work and my baby daughter was exploring my husband's room, while I did something on the computer. I looked over to see what she was doing and, all of a sudden, noticed she was holding his wedding ring. He had taken it off and it was sitting on the night-table.

I'm not letting anything get to my nerves anymore. I just tell myself, "be patient, he'll leave soon enough. Then you can have things the way you want them."

Last edited by Genabeena; 04-27-2004 at 03:13 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:32 PM   #14
Mara
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Re: I just want him out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genabeena

Right now he is taking the stance that before we can file for the divorce, we have to sit down with a professional mediator to hash out all the details and sign and agreement. I'm sick of all this. I want my life back. I want to feel normal again. I want him out. He makes me so mad. It gets to where I can't stand the sight of him. I am not in the mood to sit down with him and a mediator. If I do Iím just playing his little game. At the same time, I think my only other option is to seek a contested divorce. I donít want to be at war with him. I had been hoping we could remain sort of as friends, but it feels to me like he keeps provoking me. I donít want to fly off the handle and start a war, but Iím at the end of my patience. Iím tired. Iím sick. I need your perspectives.
If you want an uncontested divorce, you will need to go to a mediator and complete a stipulation of settlement, distribution of assets and other legal documents. This is not a game, it's something you will both have to do together and agree upon together for arrangement about child support, court orders, custody, visitation, health benefits, copays, prescriptions, dental, splitting/assuming debt etc then each take your copy to your own lawyer and make sure it's fair so it can't be contested at a later time. If all is approved, have it notarized and then you have to take those papers and have it put in form to properly file with the court. Then its put on the uncontested calandar. Then the judge reads it, approves it or not.

If you refuse to go through the motion, you will not be able to be divorced. If you are the one asking for an uncontested divorce, you are the plaintiff, and and he would be served papers. If he does not sign it and other legal documents you will be unable to get a divorce. If that were the case, you would have to sue him for divorce and have grounds. If you don't have grounds, you can't get a divorce (depending on the state). He could refuse you a divorce.

Sit down and write down what it is you want, how you will divide assets and debts and have him do the same and see if you agree. You can start the process among yourselves before you see a mediator and save yourself mediator time and money because you will have done the homework.

You both may have different views of how things should be divided. Before saying what you want to do, think of what you will be able to do. Contested or uncontested, both have different roads. It's expensive no matter which way you go.

Are you sure it's not salvageable?

 
Old 04-28-2004, 05:35 PM   #15
Mara
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Re: I just want him out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genabeena

I'm not letting anything get to my nerves anymore. I just tell myself, "be patient, he'll leave soon enough. Then you can have things the way you want them."

What will change when he is gone?

 
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