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Old 04-14-2004, 10:21 PM   #1
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MissEnlightened HB User
Unhappy I wish someone would talk to me

Hello I'm 19 and a week ago I dropped out of school. I've had depression for 2 years now and I go to therapy and take meds. I have been so depressed that I was planning to hurt myself, end my life. I want to be hospitalized but my mom doesn't want me to. She thinks that only really 'crazy' people go to hospitals. She says I'm not crazy and that I'm just looking for an excuse to be lazy and feel sorry for myself. When she says that, I just push her farther away...and I feel more alone. My friends are really great friends...they always get me a little cheered up but then I get even more depressed after I have a good time or if I accomplished something. It's like I have a destructive person living in my body and it doesn't want me to succeed or be happy. Like if someone tells me I look nice I will want to go beat my head on a wall or something and cry. It's like I feel better when I am insulted but it doesn't lift me out of this depression. Also, I get REALLY nervous when people come too close to me, I will shake and my hands sweat and my heart pumps really fast. But if anyone knows how to reverse depression please let me know because I've tried everything...and I think I'm at the end of my rope.

-MissEnlightened
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Old 04-14-2004, 10:33 PM   #2
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissEnlightened
I think I'm at the end of my rope.
After a lengthy post in a discussion on another thread, I have taken up too much of my time on these boards.

A quick summary of what I usually recommend. See a GP to get all the physical tests done. Have a good look at your diet and discuss this with your GP. Start or increase the amount you exercise. I'll be back later.
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Old 04-14-2004, 10:37 PM   #3
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iRiSh_GiRL11 HB User
Re: I wish someone would talk to me

reverse depression? lol...

well obviously ur meds aren't working... i suggest going to ur doctor and asking to be switched...
and i recently dropped outta h.s. school... a tutor will come to my house for one class and i'll go to one (of the two i was taking at community college)...

& as far as the hopsital thing... it's an option for me right now b/c i dont wanna go to school... i dont even wanna get outta bed/my house to go shopping or anything... but as far as friends go, @ least u have some.. i dont have any @ all anymore, and it sucks worse than hanging out with friends but never really feel completely THERe..ya know? --> i personally dont wanna do the hopsital option b/c i don't kno anyone whos ever been there and my image of it would be padded rooms with *psycho* ppl...and as much as i feel like i am "psycho"... i really dont want ppl to know other than my immediate family and doctors really--- idk...
so i guess if i'm getting the wrong idea about hopsitals ..soemone correct me? cuzi really don't know...
but another option was *out-patient* i guess KINDA like a hopsital but u only go during the day, so it's not as psycho-hopsital-crazy-ppl as ur mom would probably think... idk u might wanna ask ur doct to see if u can do that

 
Old 04-14-2004, 11:01 PM   #4
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by iRiSh_GiRL11
it would be padded rooms with *psycho* ppl...
Hmmmm ... I've visited a few friends and relatives at psychiatric deparments of hospitals and never seen padded rooms.

Most hospitals have psychiatric departments where I live. There are only two ways you know that you have walked into one of these departments.

1.) There are nurses looking at who leaves the elevator and the fire exits are electronically locked
2.) Too many people wearing NORMAL clothes! (Only some patients wear hospital gowns, pyjamas or bathrobes/dressing gowns)

It's highly unlikely anyone will know that your a patient in many circumstances. The patients will vary from anorexics to people who have had a mental breakdown of sorts. It can be hard to tell who's the patient and who's just visiting which keeps the duty nurse occupied in stopping some patients with severe illness leaving. (washing machine stopped....gotta go again)
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Old 04-14-2004, 11:25 PM   #5
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

hey...i'm new to this site thing, but i looks cool, and i really need people to talk to that understand what i'm going through. so here's my story...last october ('02) i got into a really bad relationship, which i didn't really realize it at the time. the guy sexually abused me and raped? me and emotionally abused me. I put a question mark by the rape because it's a long story...but to make it short i pretty much think it's part my fault becuase i stayed with him and whatnot...anywho, i ended up meeting a great guy last august, and he kind of made me realize i don't need this other guy. so we broke up (for like the 8th time because he had previously broken up with me that much), and i started seeing this other guy. well, about a few months before that i just started getting really really down. i'd sleep all the time, i wouldn't hang out with my friends, i wouldn't go to class, my grades just sucked. after trying to kill myself, my boyfriend "the new one" made me go get help, and they put me on antidepressents and had me tlak to a counselor, but i hated my counselor, and i just don't feel comfortable talkign to her. i don't feel comfortable talkign to anyone really. and i don't even know if the pills are working. i recently tried killing myself again, and i've just had it! i just want to be normal agian. i think back to what i used to be like and i just wish i was like how i used to be...i've lost all of my friends, nobody understand me. i'm still having a hard time in school, and i get so nervous when i have to speak to ppl..i just feel like a failure adn i just really want to talk to ppl who understand what i'm goign through....anyways...i guess that's all for now. '
peace
kt011

 
Old 04-14-2004, 11:30 PM   #6
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by kt011
i recently tried killing myself again, and i've just had it! i just want to be normal agian.
I'd say your pills aren't working if you've been taking them for over 6 weeks!

It depends what you mean by "normal". As we age we change. If you mean feel good about yourself, then the proper therapy and medication (if it's required in the first place) will help.

Ask your therapist about CBT.
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Old 04-14-2004, 11:41 PM   #7
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

well for one-- i think that ur new BF seems like a pretty good one if he cares enough and wants to hoenstly help u and seeu get better...
my bf/friend *w/e he is...* tells me:
"it's all ur fault... they are ur choices... ur doing this to urself... if u wanted to go to class u could... u have such an easy life why are u being like this for no reason... ur to blame for all these things"

and neone whos ever felt ANY of this knows that...someone saying that...DOESNT HELP!!

... i lost all my friends also, except him.. and obviously he isnt a TRUE friend...

but talk to ur doctor definetly and if that med. isn't working maybe u could try a different one.. or see if the dosage you are taking is too low...

also- it's really imp. to get a therapist who u feel comfortable with and u can talk to.... so i'd say if u didn't already stop seeing him/her... STOP!! lol. u can get another therapist.. and it's a good idea to find one ur comfortable with and can talk to and trust... b/c thats how your REALLY going to get help that will be ACTUALLY helpful to u.


**and about the hopsitals...**
i've never been to one... i knew one kid who was in one once, but didn't ask him about it b/c i thought he'd be embarrased...

soo.... what exactly do ppl do there? i'm really clueless with that whole hopsital scene soo any info u got would be helpful..
my doc said there is an in-patient as well as an out-patient .... soo i could go and spend the nights there, or i could sleep @ home and go there during the day only 4 just the day program thing...

still those seem kinda ...drastic... and still scary to me

 
Old 04-15-2004, 12:13 AM   #8
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

First, don't listen to your mother. I am 34 years old and have suffered with depression since the age of five. When I was five I wanted to kill myself. I also have a Bipolar Illness. I was in the mental hospital for the first time last year for one week. The only point to going to the hospital is they can monitor you and try different medications. It is not fun, but if you are feeling like hurting yourself, you should go. You just need to research and find a good one. You may also be having panic attacks. You may need some anxiety medication. I wonder what medications you are on? Maybe they are not working or the right ones. You could also have been misdiagnosed. It took me years to really find out what was wrong. Also, I have had trouble finding medication that I am not allergic to. It is a long journey, but once you figure it out and get the right medications, you can be happy and live a normal life. Try to remember, you have a chemical imbalance that you were born with. It is not your fault and you can not control it with your mind or will yourself to not be depressed. It is like having diabeties. It is not your fault. Believe me, people will tell you to just "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "pray and God will make you well." It does not matter how much you try, you can't fix it. It is something you can learn to control and live with. There is help out there, you just have to look for it. Don't give up. Also, get on the internet and do as much research as you can. If you feel you need to go to the hospital, do it and don't listen to everyone else. You have to take care of yourself and forget what the world, your parents, etc... think or say. It is a serious illness. Good luck and I hope this has helped.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 12:15 AM   #9
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lori j HB User
Re: I wish someone would talk to me

To MissEnlightened & kt011, it sounds like both of you are having the same problem. It sounds like your meds are not working at all for you. If the meds quit working, they can actually cause WORSE depression than you had in the first place.

Miss E, you can admit yourself to the hospital if you feel you need to, your mom cannot stop you, you are an adult, you are 19. Your mom needs to come into the 21st century. Years ago, they sent people to a "nut house" and most of those people were just like you & me. They had nervous disorders or had anxiety or panic or depression & were not crazy. Fortunately, doctors now realize that we are not crazy, but that we suffer from a disease, like any other disease.
ASk your mom to at least read up on depression & see that it is not "crazy"!
Both of you need to have your meds reassesed by your doctors, they are not working for you. It can take many tries to get on the right meds, I've been trying since last Oct. to find the right one, some give me horrible side effects & I can't stay on them & then others do help the depression but eventually I got side effects from them too. So, don't give up, the meds have given up & stopped working, you need to get off them & on something else as like I said, they are doing more harm than good.
Please keep in touch, it helps a lot to have a place to talk about your depression where you are understood unconditionally.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 12:20 AM   #10
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by iRiSh_GiRL11
well for one-- i think that ur new BF seems like a pretty good one if he cares enough and wants to hoenstly help u and seeu get better...
my bf/friend *w/e he is...* tells me:
"it's all ur fault... they are ur choices... ur doing this to urself... if u wanted to go to class u could... u have such an easy life why are u being like this for no reason... ur to blame for all these things"

and neone whos ever felt ANY of this knows that...someone saying that...DOESNT HELP!!

... i lost all my friends also, except him.. and obviously he isnt a TRUE friend...

but talk to ur doctor definetly and if that med. isn't working maybe u could try a different one.. or see if the dosage you are taking is too low...

also- it's really imp. to get a therapist who u feel comfortable with and u can talk to.... so i'd say if u didn't already stop seeing him/her... STOP!! lol. u can get another therapist.. and it's a good idea to find one ur comfortable with and can talk to and trust... b/c thats how your REALLY going to get help that will be ACTUALLY helpful to u.


**and about the hopsitals...**
i've never been to one... i knew one kid who was in one once, but didn't ask him about it b/c i thought he'd be embarrased...

soo.... what exactly do ppl do there? i'm really clueless with that whole hopsital scene soo any info u got would be helpful..
my doc said there is an in-patient as well as an out-patient .... soo i could go and spend the nights there, or i could sleep @ home and go there during the day only 4 just the day program thing...

still those seem kinda ...drastic... and still scary to me
What you do there is you have a lot of group therapy, the nurses can monitor how a new med is affecting you & you actually feel safe there, you get away from all the outside influences, the negative things people say, like "it's all your fault" "you can snap out of this". You are validated that you cannot in fact control what is happening to you. No one is scary there, no one is going to hurt you there. Many patients want to return after being there & getting released as they felt "safe" there. It's not bars on the windows like a prison. You talk to others who are going thru the same thing. Most hospitals have you come for out patient therapy after you are released, which helps you ease back into everyday life & also gives you a chance to relate how you are doing once you have been released. My son is a charge nurse on a psych floor, he conducts therapy for the patients. HE is not scary, most nurses who go into this field are very, very caring.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 06:34 AM   #11
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

wow I see there are people that posted that are worse off than me. But that makes me feel worse. That just makes me feel like my mother is talking to me when your like 'oh at least YOU got friends'. Someone was wondering what meds I take well I take Adderall XR and Lexapro. And I used to take Sonata for my insomnia. And I have some valium in my possession. But I wasn't going to overdose to kill myself, because most of the time the person is saved. I miss my school. I didn't want to drop out. I was late everyday and it would sometimes upset me and I refuse to go to school when I'm crying so I would go to the park and skip school alot. By doing that I lost ALL credit for my classes. What hurt me the worst was when I had to return all my books...and my principal hugged me goodbye after two years of dealing with me and my academic and tardy problem. It just annoys me that I could do so many good things for myself, and have the best intentions...and still I screw up.
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Old 04-15-2004, 11:08 AM   #12
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

i didn't mean to compare ur lief with mine [miss E] and say that u should be happy b/c ur better off than some people... i just meant that friends can be a great tool if they are compassionate and willing to listen... even if they don't know exactly what ur going through, it might help just knowing they care about you and are trrying to help u get better...


thats what i meant

 
Old 04-15-2004, 05:47 PM   #13
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

okay Irish girl11, sorry I misinterpreted what you were saying. Now I understand. LoL. I just woke up from sleeping all afternoon. Thank God for dreams! Because in my dreams that is the only place where I can change everything. I do exactly the right things and I have no limitations in my dreams. I have these flying abilities and when I'm dreaming it feels like I've had this ability my whole life and stuff. But then you wake up and you realize gravity never quit pulling. I wish I could dream forever....because if it can remembered just as well as a real life memory, then whose to say that there is a difference? Each have strong emotions and every one of your senses tied into them. Maybe I can heal my depression this way. I can become aware that I am dreaming and change my past and present to the way I se fit.

Or maybe all depressed persons have soooo much potential and so many options that it overwhelms the body and mind and they fall in on themselves. Is that the paradox of choice? More people die from suicide than starvation. And in India where the people live in poverty...do you ever hear about those people thinking what's the point in life and then commit suicide? No, they continue to push forward to a new day even if they never get a bite to eat. One would think that those people should want to die and have nothing to live for. But here in America, we have so many options... there are safety nets for those that cannot afford basic things, we have plenty of doctors to choose from. Most of us have shots so we will never suffer and die from a deadly painful disease. This is supposed to be the land of opportunity, people died and payed with their lives for our freedom. And now we discover that even a free country isn't a happy peaceful one. This illness is not just something that should be looked at in our lives....look a it in a national and international level....I think we will find patterns that we need to look into. It seems to me that the saying 'less is more' is very evident in all aspects of life. It's the strangest but truest paradox.

-MissEnlightened
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Old 04-15-2004, 09:52 PM   #14
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

Hey where's my healthboard people? Nobody posted a reply.... (YET)

I'll be back later to check up on it....
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Old 04-16-2004, 01:52 PM   #15
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Re: I wish someone would talk to me

I see nobody posted STILL.......maybe I'm just soo annoying! People in real life barely notice me and and now even people on live help boards don't want to talk to me. This is just great.......fine then! I won't even post another stupid thread or reply ever again! I am seriously going to cry...but whatever....BYE
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