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Old 04-18-2004, 02:11 PM   #1
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Dinner and a session.

I apologize in advance if I bore anyone. I self explainatorily have no life. Anyway....Friday I had a appointment with my current therapist. She recommended that we have the session over at her home. She also told me that because of the inconvenience she would like for me to join her for dinner also. I thought it was quite nice of her.

I got to her mini mansion.(I really should go into the therapist field). She had a beautiful home. The entire experience was tremendously ackward. We didnt talk much at the table, other than her asking me how the food was. It was very nice nevertheless.

Finally I sat down on the couch. She told me the number one thing she wanted to work on was keeping me alive. And asked me if I was willing to give her the chance. I told her yes. She told me in order for that to happen I must trust her and be patient. Because she cannot work a miracle. It is a slow process, but I will surely get better over time. She asked me was I willing to have patience. I told her I did not know. I could not promise her tomorrow, only today.

She knows Im suicidal. It does not bother her. She told me a story of a young woman she had as a patient for years. She in her mid 30's, had a husband and 2 children. She had gotten to know alot about her and really tried her best to help her. In december of 2002, she learned that the young woman committed suicide. She told me that, in her field, they dont teach you how to deal with losing a patient. She did not deal with it very well at the time. But she knew she did all she could. She understood what the circumstance was in taking me on as a patient. My situation is very severe and evident. But just like a lawyer taking a case, she believes in me and her ability to help me. She has gotten to know me on a very personal level. And in her own words, she told me she would hate to see such a brilliant person lose this battle. But she will fight with me.

First thing we talked about was me finding something to live for. I brought up the fact that I feel right now, lonliness is not a option anymore in my life reguardless to how I am right now or because im not finacially established and etc. I told her I dont feel there is a requirment to having someone in your life. If everyone in the world had to go through school four years and find a good paying job and nice house for them to be with someone, fine. But everyone doesnt, so I refuse to believe I need material things and money to attract people. If they do not like me for me then I should not be interested in them. I know im at a pathetically low point in my life. The thing I tried to express was that, if I cant live for myself maybe I can live for someone else. She was very much against me involving someone else in my life right now. And I asked why? What makes me different from the people in group therapy who bring their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends there. You dont tell them to give up their significant other to deal with what theyre going through. Why do I have ot be alone. Why does love and companionship have to be a mystery to me. Why do I have to dream about having someone when it comes natural to others. Why me? Oh I know why. Cos im too ugly to attractive the right person and unwilling to accept being with the wrong one.

She kept insisting that i moved out of my parents house, as if my depression would just stay here and not follow. I fail to see how that would benefit me. I told her how I felt generally. I dont believe in God anymore. I dont believe there is a real purpose for life. And I dislike what I am. Every phase of my life. But the main thing is just feeling ugly. Depsite the fact that I really dont know what I look like anymore, just what people have told me. She told me that, in her honest opinion I was a attractive man, but as I always tell her, you have to say that, your my therapist. She told me why would I not believe her and believe the people in my past. I told her because, the people in my past have no incentive in telling me what they feel about me. And she told me of course they do, they need to feel good about themselves. Thats their incentive. So they abuse you. Because of what they probably go through with their parents or other people who abuse them. She made a great point. Unfortunately, there is too much of a overwhemling consensus amount of people in my life, whether they tried to hurt me or not, who express they found me physically unattractive. Just liek there is a overwhelming amount of people who find me as being a very genuinely nice person. So I tend to believe the majority. She noticed a error in speech I made. I was trying to say the word obstacle and accidentally said, optical. And she told me, I was right the first time, and thats jus how brilliant she finds me to be, she doesnt think that was a mistake. She feels like the main problem I have is what I fail to be able to see. She told me there isnt really a obstacle in front of me as much as it is inbetween my eyes and my brain. That I dont have a real obstacle, just a optical one I tend to see that isnt really there. And that stems from years of abuse.

I told her that, its not a illusion that im overweight. I dont imagine people would call me ugly unless I truly was. There is only one reason I was abused so much growing up and there is only one reason why I cannot move forth and be happy in life. Maybe that makes me the most vain human being on earth. Fine, so be it. So is the other 6 billion people in this world today and the billions before us. Because if it didnt matter so much, noone would have a problem with it. But it does. It is why I had no childhood and why I have no life. I want to believe there is a way around it. I even try to find books about coping with ugliness, or how to overcome the ugly bug.(yeah go ahead, laugh). A loophole other than trying to gain finacial stability and material things to attract people. If thats the case, then let me go buy some lottery tickets. Cos I dont have the patience, strength, and years of endurance to acheive that. Especially when others do not have to. And furthermore, im only interested in something real, not something based on money and material things. Life truly just isnt worth living this way. To me anyway. Its cruel. Its just down right cruel. There is very few things in life that I can say would be worth living like this for. But I dont see myself being able to obtain those things. I just cant be the ugly duckling. Especially if I have to swim in a pond among swans.

I have yet to decide whether im going to continue seeing my therapist.Just like I feel like im cutting ties with certain things in life, I feel I must do the same with her if I dont feel im going to be around much longer. The last thing I told her is that, talking to her cannot change how I look. And she told me, she does not want to change how I look. Because there is nothing wrong with how I look. But she desperately want to change how I view myself as looking. I would definitely go back if it could be at her house again and she was cooking. It was a nice evening. And I appreciated everything. I owe her a chance. Shes really the only therapist I really felt like I trust.

 
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Old 04-18-2004, 04:57 PM   #2
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isolated one HB User
Re: Dinner and a session.

Man Apart, you've made a big step by having this experience. Please don't just stop going to this therapist. At least give it a chance and then you will have a better gut feeling about the situation. I believe she was right in saying you shouln't get involved with anyone right now. As much as you need it, you probably aren't ready to get involved with a woman yet because of your current state of mind. From what I read into this, your therapist sounds like she wants you to get a different perspective of yourself first. and then you'll be more ready to handle a relationship. You have things moving in the right direction. Because my situation is much like yours, you're now giving me the motivation to think that there may even be hope for myself.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 01:48 PM   #3
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Man Apart -
You do have to move out of your parents house, and you do have to stop expecting that having a signifigant other would help. You're making excuses. You know what you have to do: Move out and get a life. Obviously it's not easy and it's scary, but you KNOW your therapist is right. You know she didn't really mean that if you moved out the depression would just stay there - she meant that you aren't able to do anything baout your depression while you're there. Plus it gives you more excuses to get down on yourself: "I'm such a loser, I live with my parents." Is she a cognitive therapist? If she is she should be able to help you out of these thought patterns.
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Last edited by moderator2; 04-20-2004 at 02:36 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 04:20 PM   #4
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Re: Dinner and a session.

I came this morning and typed a very long message and I lost it because my computer is going crazy... I'll try to remember what I was saying in there...
I do remember that I started talking about one of my best friends... by seeing your post I saw so much of him in you... Let me tell you this: He's one of the most special persons I ever met in my life... but for some reason (I still haven't figured that out) he doesn't see it... For some reason he doesn't see what I see in him... a few days ago he told me "Sol you can say that you know me inside-out... and still you like me... I just don't get it... how can, a girl like you, like a guy like me?"
I just couldn't believe he was asking me that... he's the type of guy who would not get involved with a girl right now, right? But he thinks that's all he is... I don't wanna get involved either... does it make me a worse person? I don't think so...
At first when I met him I thought he was really stupid... I told him so... but with time I started to get to know him more and more... and I realized he is so much more than what you see... and that's exactly what I absolutely love about him... but for some reason he cannot see what I see... So I understand you when someone tells you something nice you might not believe them.
That happens to me a lot... I feel really stupid lately and people keeps telling me I'm smart and I don't trust them... if someone tells me I'm pretty I won't believe it either because most of the people I had around in my life had told me the opposite. So I understand you a 100% what you're going through... also it's obvious you won't believe your therapist because you think she only says so because she wants to make you feel better... but you know what? Maybe she's not lying... she might be saying the truth...
I do believe that if you don't love yourself no one will... how can you "sell" yourself if you can't see the good in you... trying to make people to like you is like selling something... if you don't know what's the good in what you want to sell you will be a very bad seller... does it make sense?? So... try to find the good points in you and try to work them out... in my case I have learned that my looks are not my highest point... my personality is... so I try to work that out and with time you will also find your highest point... and TRUST ME if I learned that... you will be able to do so too...

I'm sorry I can't say something more helpful... I lost my long message... and I think this is kinda what I was trying to say this morning... hope it helps... and I really hope you're doing better...

Take care and keep coming around, I'd really like to know how you're doing with your therapist... please give it a chance... you have nothing to lose but a lot to win... trust me...

Take care,

SOL
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Old 04-19-2004, 06:31 PM   #5
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Re: Dinner and a session.

I dont know if she specializes in cognitive therapy but she definitely practises agressive therapy. I can move out of my parents house anytime I want. It doesnt make me feel like im a loser cos im here. Ive tried several times to move out but im bound here by circumstance. Not only dealing with depression but dealing with family issues, my mothers health, and just the fact that she is adamantly against me leaving, due to her failing relationship with my father and the sexual relationship he has had with my sister. One big disfunctional family under one roof. It would help me to leave jus for the fact I cant stand living here with all the stuff swept under a rug. But I tolerate it. Cos its not liek I have anyone else. Ive told people my problems. There will be a time for all of this stuff. None of that is going to help me right now. Enough playing by life's rules. For once I want something good to happen for me. I want to be able to wake up to something in life I can feel good about. Cos right now I dont see a reason to wake up ever. Im giving myself a chance. To "get a life." But that life is not going to include being lonely. And certainly not going to include constant depression.

Last edited by moderator2; 04-20-2004 at 02:35 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 06:33 PM   #6
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Quote:
Originally Posted by isolated one
Man Apart, you've made a big step by having this experience. Please don't just stop going to this therapist. At least give it a chance and then you will have a better gut feeling about the situation. I believe she was right in saying you shouln't get involved with anyone right now. As much as you need it, you probably aren't ready to get involved with a woman yet because of your current state of mind. From what I read into this, your therapist sounds like she wants you to get a different perspective of yourself first. and then you'll be more ready to handle a relationship. You have things moving in the right direction. Because my situation is much like yours, you're now giving me the motivation to think that there may even be hope for myself.

If I give you even a small amount of hope to you and the impossible way you seem to feel your situation is. Then all of this has been worth it. All we can do is try.

 
Old 04-19-2004, 06:42 PM   #7
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Solicita. Some people look at themselves and ask people, why? I used to look at myself and ask people, why not? I can understand him is alot of ways. But I dont ever think im not good enough. I know im good enough. I definitely know im deserving. I spent years asking why not. Until oneday I took a good look in the mirror and saw why not. Now even I catch myself asking, why.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 12:46 AM   #8
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Man, this woman therapist sounds like your best shot in a long time. She is willing to go that extra mile for you, she is willing to help you see that some of your thoughts about yourself are tainted & colored by your own mind. Please stick with her, I have a good feeling about her helping you, I really do.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 08:33 AM   #9
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Hi Man how are you? I gave you a hug on the other thread only because i felt you needed one. You've been in my thoughts. I am so happy to hear that you have a good therapist. I'm with the others on this one. Give her a chance, she sounds good for you.

You're a good example of what happens when people are bullied/abused at a young age, it stays with you even into adulthood, having said that, although I don't know you, you strike me as a sensitive, caring beautiful man. I know you've heard the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Sometimes these cliches ring true. Your spirit, albeit a bit broken, comes through as very caring and loving in my eyes that makes you beautiful. Your therapist was right when she said that all those people who bullied/abused you had their own issues to deal with. They had their own insecurities or in some cases, maybe you were someone they wished they could be.

Can you enlighten me, do you have a physical disfigurement? or is that you're just overweight? I'm asking because i want to tell you about a friend of mine. She was born with a facial disfigurement. She's 30 yrs old now, but i'll tell ya, for the most part, she's lived a happy life. Sure, she had to endure some scorn and teasing, but she's happily married and have a beautiful child, the person who married her is what society would consider "handsome". She's even envied by a lot of people who consider themselves "pretty". What sets her apart is, she's got charisma, she's fiesty, smart, caring, (and it's not too often she bemoans her fate) in my eyes, she's beautiful. Where you live Man, the people must be very cruel (kids are usually cruel by nature), but for it to have such a lasting and damaging impact on you into adulthood its scary what you must have endured.

I think eventually you'll get better. You're still young. I have ten years on you, so believe me, the older you get things might just take a turn for the better. Ride out the storm my friend, you don't know what the future holds. I appreciate that you have a lot of issues and I truly do feel for you. There's a reason why you're here, don't you want to stick around to find out what it is? I'm just happy to know that you have a therapist you can trust and that there does appear to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I post over at the WL forum a lot. My biggest fight right now is battling the bulge, I am depressed about it, that's how I found myself on your forum, but I think my problems are miniscule, I'm not diagnosed as depressed, but you know what, I'm here to give support and encouragement and I hope you see it as such. There are total strangers out there who care about you.
{{{MAP}}} hugs again.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 12:08 PM   #10
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Hey Melodius. Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate you taking time. You have not posted much, so I feel really fortunate that you take time to reply to me. I must apologize for my maniacal outburst on the other thread. I cant really get into much about it, all Ill say is its really difficult to put your heart and soul and hopes into something and constantly come up empty time after time. It just hurts.

I think im lucky to know this woman. She is very intellectual of course, but very compassionate and very honest and real. She gets down with me ona personal level. Its more like talking to a friend than with a professional who I would feel skeptical trusting. She is very hard on me though. I remember when i first went to the hospital, once she told me to tell her when I felt like I was in a semi-good mood, which is rare, because she wanted to try something. Oneday I came in and I told her I felt ok, and she made me go into the bathroom with 13 other patients and made me look in the mirror with everyone in there with me. She told me the reason is because she knew I would blush or smile being in there with 13 other people, and she told me because she feels like my mood very much influences what I see in the mirror on a daily basis. She asked me to look in the mirror and tell her if she saw a ugly man. I looked and I started to frown again, and I said I dont know. She told me, no, I dont want you to frown when you look, nor do I want you to jus have a full blown out smile. I want you to pretend for a moment you confident and etc, and show me how you would look normally. Then look in the mirror and tell me if you see a ugly man. So I looked again wearing the facial expression of someone happy and upbeat. And I looked closely for like 30 secs, and then I honestly said no.

I do not have a physical deformity. I just naturally look like im disfigured facially. Its just all genetics mainly but alot to do with just me not taking care of myself, and eating right growing up and being abused. I stunted my growth somewhat and Ive developed very very bad facial discoloration. Dirt grown into my skin and has darkened my face like 10 shades darker than the rest of my skin.

Your friend seems like a very strong person. I hate to say this but, if I was born with a deformity, there is just no way I could imagine me even seeing myself turn 20. And again, its not because of the deformity or because of what I look like now. Only because of how people view me and treats me. And the thing that they value so much physically that I can never have. If there were actual people out there, quality people that is, that actually view me as attractive, I would have no problem with how I look. But generally, people dont.

I do not think that if I was in a different city i would have been treated any differently. Maybe even worst. The main problem I have with this city is I live among racism everyday. We live in a beautiful neighborhood, but diversity in this city is like oil and water. When we first moved her, there was a young woman who lived next door to us an dasked if she could come swim in our backyard. Because the previous neighbors allowed her too. I said, absolutely. I didnt even think about the fact that she was white and I was even more encouraged that she didnt care that we werent. 20 mins later, her mother came to our gate and yelled at her to get out of the pool. She did so and went back home. I think a few weeks later, I saw her family getting ready to move. And I asked her while I saw her outside, what happened with her mom the other day and she told me, that her parents were racist and they were moving because of the influx of other ethicities moving into the neighborhood and they did not want to lose value on selling their home.(if I can remember straight, im paraphrasing.)

Im 25, I remember 5 years ago telling myself, im still young. lol. Im not interested in living a depressing life anymore. Im not spending another birthday alone in my room anymore. Im just not. I turn 26 in a few months and I want to be able to enjoy it for once. I know im not going to be fully where I want to be goals wise, but I want to be on that track and I want to have something to feel good about and look forward to. Just one break in my life, one thing or oppurtunity for me to capatilize on. Every thing I do seems to fail. Its like playing darts. I know that if I keep throwing the dart ill eventually hit a bullseye. But I cant seem to stick it where it needs to be. Ive throw it a milion times and my arms is tired. It just seems like for me, that bullseye represents all of the great oppurtunties people have in life. And it seems like my target is like aiming for a grain of salt 20 ft away. Whereas other people are shooting a a quarter sized target 2dt away. Its frustrating and I just want this cycle to end one way or the other.

What is the WL forum? Never heard of it. Again im glad you spoke your mind. Hope to hear from you again. Tell me about yourself as well, k? I see my therapist again on wednesday. Ill let people know how it goes. You take care and thanks again.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 01:48 PM   #11
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Thumbs up Re: Dinner and a session.

Hello, reading your thread brought tears to my eyes. My sisters and I suffered sexual abuse as children, and its been a long, self-motivating road to get me where I am today. I never saw a therapist, but I did move to my own place, did a lot of reading and soul-searching, and had some plain old "me time", figuring out for myself who I was and what I wanted to accomplish in life. I had to learn not to be pessimistic, stop talking myself out of doing anything, and always assuming the worst.

I tried to accomplish all of this before I stepped into the dating world. I believe I am a beautiful, not only on the outside, but because of my personality and the way I feel about myself. Everyday is not peaches and cream, but thats life. Not to say that I make everyone smile with glee, people are people, and no one can make you happy but yourself. Going out with someone who's confident is whats ATTRACTIVE, not their appearance.

What someone thinks about you is not that important. Anyone who feels the need to ridicule others is not very secure about themselves!

Getting away from your environment is very good advice. Not to be mean, but misery loves company, and your home may not be the best thing for you right now, if you want change to take place.

ps
You're a very good writer, ever thought about journalism?
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Old 04-21-2004, 07:21 AM   #12
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Im deeply sorry if my thread upset you monica. Never my intent. Though I do understand what you and your sister went through and I am very sorry you had to expereince such a unfortunate thing. I think people have the wrong idea of me in the sense that they feel im a pessimistic person and I always talk myself down and assume the worst. I dont have to. Life does it for me. I cant express how discouraging it is to try so hard in life and constantly fail or have something go wrong and not understand why, or why was my efforts not good enough. So of course, I have to evaluate myself and my situation and ask myself what is holding me back. And the conclusion has never been lack of effort. How many people you know lost 116lbs natually within a year. I mean I put effort into anything. But the physical issues I have will always be deterrent in my life.

So far as moving away from home, I may sometime this year, but right now I cannot. Im not in the right mental frame of mind to be able to do any type of planning. My life is day to day at this point. Im already started to receive negative comments at work. Its hard trying ot juggle depression and loads of work at the same time.

Misery does love company. Misery accepts me. Misery seems to love me. Misery seems to be the only thing interested in me.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 05:33 PM   #13
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Hey, your therapist is a good lady. Stick with her. Try to really think about what she is saying. I agree with her. You are briiliant. I don't believe you are physically unattractive (although I've never seen you.) Overweight is not the end of the world. THAT CAN BE OVERCOME.

Like I've said before, I'm begging you to move out of that house. If you would move out of there and go to a college, I will help you with anything that comes up in any way I can. I have knowledge, resources, the world's most intelligent parents at my disposal... We can do it!

You are right, that you are every bit as worthy of love as those other couples. But your therapist is also right. There are so many misconceptions you have. You have to be able to give back to your partner as much as she gives to you. Do you have the emotional strength right now to support the emotional needs of another human being?

 
Old 04-21-2004, 09:18 PM   #14
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Im not seeing her for the time being. Today was my last session with her. I need to be hospitalized. And I told her that. Just right now i dont know if im going or not. I dont care what happens from now on. Im not going to stress out anymore about anything. Theres nothing else to say and nothing else to do. Im not going to talk about it anymore. Im tired. Im ill. Im exhausted, im defeated.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 01:05 AM   #15
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Re: Dinner and a session.

Me too, my back is killing me, my tmj is acting up & making my neck, throat & ears sore. STress sure takes its toll on our bodies. I am in pain from head to toe, guess that is to help me forget about my depression!!! I'm headed to take a pain pill & go to bed..

 
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