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Old 04-19-2004, 03:04 AM   #1
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I did it... I asked for help out loud

And I didn't get the answer I was expecting...

OUt of no where yesterday when I was with my mom at the kitchen I told her that I think I need help. I told her that lately I've been having a lack of interest in everything and anything... I told her that I cannot concentrate in school, that I lost interest in it and I'm getting worried because last year I was one of the top student of my school and this year I'm just that girl in the back sit... She seems to think that my new teachers didn't know how to win my attention...
I tried to explain her that this is happening with many other things I used to love and now don't care...
I also told her that I'm still having problems with coping what happened with my friend and that it seems that I cannot let him go...
That was a way to call her attention because she thought I was not working hard enough with school because I've been hanging out more with my new friends... she even thought that I was dating one of them... and she thought he was taking all my attention.. I told her that I can't date no one if I don't get over what happened last year and the only reason why I focus in my friends is because they won't let me fall again... and if I stop seeing them they'll come and drag me out of my house... they're the only reason why I keep moving...
I asked her to find out for me (because I know I will never start asking) if there's any good therapist in our hospital. Last year I went alone to this public hospital (one of the best in this type of things) and I got lost... confused and I didn't make it to the time they work because I go to school in the mornings... I came back home all sad thinking I was stupid because I couldn't find out by myself how to get help... and now I think that someone should try to help me to do so...

This is a weird feeling: I don't feel better at all... I thought that if I told her I needed help it would be like taking a heavy bag from me... and it didn't... Does it make sense? I just thought she'd be more understanding... and supportive... and in one point I felt like she was cuestioning me my feelings... I just don't know what else to do... I know I made myself pretty clear...
I'll just wait a couple of days to see where this will lead me...

Sol
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Old 04-19-2004, 07:07 AM   #2
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Hey Sol! I'm so proud of you.

I don't think your mom totally understands what you're going through. Some parents also don't understand because in the era they grew up in, they were not allowed to express their emotions in the way we do now. She may also be worried and is afraid that if she shows this to you, it will cause you more pain.

Don't feel stupid about not being able to find the hospital. Just call them and ask for directions. They won't mind. If your mom doesn't act on it, sit her down and ask her to start calling with you. You need help to work through your grief and a counselor just may be the one to do it. The more you can say it out loud and express yourself, they better you will eventually feel. I know your heart is broken right now, for good reason. You don't just forget someone who meant so much to you and at your age and from what I've read, he sounded like for first true love. That makes an even bigger hole in your heart. I can't imagine what that's like. Breaking up is painful, to say the least, but to lose that person all together and in a way that wasn't their choice to leave you, is awful.

You will do okay. I have faith you will find your feet. Ya know....do you attend church or some other type of religous setting? Maybe you could talk to the pastor/preacher/ minister, etc for help and guidance. Another option is if you have someone you trust to open up to and will be there for you....do that. But, the doc is a deffinate right now. I don't know how it is in Argentina, who prescribes anti-depressants? The doc or a therapist? Are they as widely used there as in the US? If you can get on something, please do. It doesn't mean anythings wrong with you if you take them, but after a time, depression can turn into a chemical problem as well. When the brain takes on this chemistry, it makes it even harder to escape depression.

You won't have to be on them forever, just as long as you need them. But, I did read some research a while back that to greatly reduce your chance of a relapse into depression, it's best to stay on them for 9-12 months, even if you feel better in a few. From what I gather, it takes about that long for the brains chemistry to be reset. Don't know, I'm not a doc and I have brain damage! LOL I also am one of the "fortunate" ones to have a brain that is prone to depression.....but I'm probably one of the happiest depressed people you'll ever know!

Anyway....like I said, I'm so proud of you for taking such a big step towards healing your heart and yourself. You deserve it. Sometimes people just get in such a deep hole that they don't know how to climb out and need help. I don't think my arm's long enough to pull you out of a hole in Argentina, but if I could, I would do it in a heart beat. I guess that's one of the downsides of being short!

I'll check back on ya in a bit and see how you're doing. I'm glad you posted. I feel like you're my own little sister (except I like you!). If I could I would give you a big hug, a box of tissues and chocolate and we'd cry together. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Sol, there's just something about ya....feels like I've known you before..who knows, maybe in another lifetime?? But I love ya like a little sis and am willing to listen any chance I get and any time you need me. I don't know if you have sisters, if so, add one to it, if not, you do now.

Best wishes to you Sol. I'll keep you in my prayers and wait to hear from you.

Love, Angel
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Old 04-19-2004, 09:35 AM   #3
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Parents practically always feel that if their child is depressed, it's they're fault, so they will go to great lengths to deny it, even if they aren't aware that's what they're doing. My mom totally did that for like a year. She's much better now. It will help to get her some stuff to read, like at [url]www.save.org[/url].
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Old 04-19-2004, 05:10 PM   #4
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

OMG Angel, you're gonna kill me... Can I tell you something? It's the very first time in my life that someone tells me what you told me. Why would you be proud of me if what I did is something for my own good? I mean... sometimes it's easier to ask for help when you want to get something for someone else... I know that... but... I don't know what I'm trying to say LOL... But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words... You are a great source of encouragement (SP?) to me.

About my mom: while she was living in Peru I used to talk a lot with her about what I was going through... she used to tell me that every time she chated with me she would end up crying for how much I was hurting... So I was like a 100% sure she knew what I was feeling... then she came back to Argentina and we never, and I mean NEVER talked about the topic in person... I know I don't like to talk in person about this topic because I HATE to cry in front of people and this topic ALWAYS makes me cry... but I don't know... I would have liked her to come to me and ask me... she never did that... so that's why I went to her... and since the moment I told her that we didn't talk about the topic again. We'll see what happens in the next days.

About the hospital: i did get there but it was full of people and I didn't get to the therapist area... I never found it. And apparentely it was already closed because I got there after 1PM... I asked my mom to send me anywhere else because I don't feel comfortable in that hospital... but at the same time I don't want to go to our regular one because I don't want everybody to know about this... does it make sense? I want to feel at home... but at home I won't feel comfortable... I'm crazy, I know.

Angel, once again, thank you... I honestly thank you... I think you will never be able to see the difference you make in the life of the people you touch in here... and no.. I don't attend a church or anything like it... I used to when I was in my high school years I was the only one in my family attending church weekly... but I started disliking the preach in my church so I stopped going... and since this happened my faith came down really fast... why does bad things happen to good people? Yeah, I know... death is not a "bad" thing... he's better than us... he's happy he doesn't feel pain... etc etc... I mean... I know those things, those are the things I used to tell his mom... but it doesn't help me... it hurts the same... does it make me a selfish person? Sometimes I try to tell this kind of things out loud... maybe some day I'll convince myself...right?
Thank you for telling me you have faith in me... that means a lot to me... a few days ago I opened up with one of my friends and told him everything about this topic and he told me he didn't worry about me because I'm a strong person, the thing is that I didn't realize that yet... he said he's not worry because he knows I'll find my way out of this, like I always do when things go wrong. But I think he has no idea how bad things are... It's not that simple... I used to think I was stronger than what I really am... with this made me I realize that I'm not the strong person I thought I was and that I'm vulnerable just as everybody is. It's hard after being the strong one for years to realize I'm just like everybody else and that now I'm the one needing help...

About the things in Argentina: here the only doctor who can prescribe medication is a psychiatrist. Therapists help you to talk and open up, they can give you a diagnosis and send you to a psychiatrist if they think you need to get some extra help. But they cannot prescribe any kind of drug. I've been thinking which dr I wanna attend and even when I'm not willing to take any drugs I think it'd be like a faster way out of this. But how can a dr help you if he doesn't know what's wrong... that's why I think the first stop would be a therapist... but I don't know... we'll see...

Angel: I like you too! I have no words to express how thankful I am with you and how much heart warms when I think of you. Told ya, you're my guiding light across the dark tunnel I am in sometimes. If I could in any way help you someday I'll give my best... even if I only help 1% of what you helped me, that would A LOT, trust me.

Thank you, once agian for your words

Take care and I hope to see you around, and if I can help you with anything you just have to type it!

Cya!

SOL
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Old 04-19-2004, 05:21 PM   #5
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crossbow
Parents practically always feel that if their child is depressed, it's they're fault, so they will go to great lengths to deny it, even if they aren't aware that's what they're doing. My mom totally did that for like a year. She's much better now. It will help to get her some stuff to read, like at [url]www.save.org[/url].
Crossbow, I don't think my mom feels responsible for my depression. She has no reasons to feel that way, I'm depressed for something that happened and it has nothing to do with her... I do believe it might hurt her the way I feel and maybe she tries to avoid the subject because it hurts her... I would be surprised if that's the case because of the way she is... She felt into a depression for the very first time in her life a couple of years ago and as soon as she felt that way she went to see a psychiatrist and started in meds... she started feeling great a couple of weeks after she started taking them, so she does know the good efects of antidepr... that's why I'm surprised she doesn't help me with a "quick" solution like hers... specially when she knows about the subject... I just don't know.. it's all ideas that my head has... maybe I'm wrong... maybe she's already seeking help for me and I don't know it... Who knows? Just her... we'll see what happens in the next few days... if we didn't talk about this subject in a week I'll see what I'll do...

Thanks for replying though... you made me do what I always say: PUT YOURSELF IN THE OTHER'S SHOES and you might understand the way they look things and why they do (or don't) the things they do...

Thank you

Take care,

SOL
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Old 04-19-2004, 07:53 PM   #6
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Hi Sol...you're entirely too flattering! I'm not a guiding light, it's the sun reflecting off my blonde! Some days are blonder than others!

...real quick, I want to address your mom...she doesn't have to be directly responsible to feel she is. Parents want to make their children all better and when they can't, they feel they failed them. As for your mom's depression, it depends on why it happened. Did she lose someone? What sent her into it? Also, if it was a death, everyone deals differently and grievs differently. She also has a few years experience on you and has seen more to know where to go for things. It also may not have been her first bout of depression, but the first you were old enough to witness.

Now for you chickie! First of all, bad things happen to everyone, it's the person with a good heart that can learn from it and maybe even turn it into a tool to help others or for some other positive in their own lives. You also have to experience the pain in life to know when you are truly sitting in the sun. If you always felt happy, you'd never care about what choices you make or what you do, because you'll always be happy. We learn more from our pains than almost anything else...it's also what we do with it or how we let it deal with us. Some become bitter and take aim at others, some turn inside themselves and hate themselves, others overcome, while others not only overcome, they outshine...and Sol, you will outshine! I promise.

I know your faith waivers at times like this...who wouldn't. You hurt and He knows that. This is a time when you let your faith take over. You let go of the fight and see where it takes you. Sometimes the road is a little bumpier than others...and sometimes he throws in a limo ride on a smooth road...you never know. He will help you find your feet again, if you let Him. You also don't need to worry about what some will say.....some will say that you've turned away and you'll pay for it dearly...I don't believe that. I think he knows what's in your heart and why you hurt. I also believe that deep down, you're still talking to him...how can you talk to him if you have turned away.

And, for my least favorite part at all....no will never convince yourself that you're okay with his being gone. You are not selfish...plain and simple, you are still in a place where you feel pain, physical, mental and spiritual. You can't shut that off, if you did, you wouldn't be human. You will come to a point where you can look at memories and smile, but you will still have some sadness in your heart, time just allows that piece of your heart that belonged to him to grow into cherished memories and less pain.

I'm glad I can help. It helps me to know I can. Here in real life, pretty much everyone (as far as my family goes) thinks I'm useless at best. They have no clue who the real me is. They will only ever see what they want to see. I can't change that and I'm getting to the point that I'm okay with "orphaning" myself. There comes a time in life that you realize that some of the people who love you can't love you in a way that's not destructive. With my health problems, I can't afford the extra stress. It makes all my problems amplify by ten. Not hardly worth it, is it?

I much prefer to hang where I'm wanted....especially if I know I can help someone pick up the pieces. I'm also thankful for you...and YES, PROUD OF YOU! The reason for that is because it is harder to help yourself, than someone else. Trust me on that one! You are taking some very painful steps to heal and you're doing it on your own and for yourself. That's how I know you'll make it.

As for you wanting your mom to ask, I understand completely. My problems right now aren't grief but have gotten to the point that I was tired of fighting to live a life not worth living. Even knowing what my problems are, not one of them will ask how I am, if I need anything, let me vent or even just refrain from kicking me while I'm down. That's why I come here. I can vent and I can be the real me.....from what people have said, I guess my family is missing out...although they'd never admit it! LOL So, don't worry about me going anywhere...this is where I belong.

Angel
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Old 04-20-2004, 12:39 AM   #7
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Since your mom does not seem to take this seriously the first time you told her, keep telling her, even print out some info on depression from the internet for her to read. Keep telling her til she believes & gets you help. You took the big step, you were the brave one & your mom may be in denial too. She may think it's a faze & it will pass, so the only thing you can do is keep telling her til she believes you, don't give up til she does & helps you get the help you WANT & DESERVE!! Keep in touch with us.

 
Old 04-20-2004, 05:23 AM   #8
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Just because your mom has no reason to feel responsible doesn't mean she doesn't. And chances are that she doesn't know she feels that way. I know my mom didn't. She thought her kids telling her they were depressed (me and another sibling) meant that we were accusing her of being a bad mother. She never said anythign like that, of course. She tried blaming it on our not going to church first.

Anyway, my point was, even if it doesn't seem like she blames herself, tell her it's not her fault anyway. It might help. If not, no harm. And she should read all she can on it. The more people around you who understand depression the better.

And another thing - why shouldn't you get a pat on the back for taking care of yourself? Doing things for other people is all well and good, but if you don't take care of yourself, you can't help anyone else, right? Helping yourself is making the world a better place. (Man, that sounded stupid. It was a lot better in my head.)
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Old 04-20-2004, 02:59 PM   #9
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Re: I did it... I asked for help out loud

Hi everybody
Angel: my mom's depression was because my family was falling apart... because of my dad's job we moved out Argentina to Peru. The first year I lived there with them but we were not all together because a couple of brothers and a sister stood in Argentina studying. Then, the second year my brother and I were able to convinced them to let us come as well, so she stood living in Peru with my dad and my youngest brother and the rest of us (3 sons and 2 daughters) were living in Argentina. That was really hard for her and she was depressed because she had no much to do there and she missed Argentina a lot. And having 5 sons and daughters away was really hard for her, no matter how many times per day we talk with her.
She started enjoying her stay in Peru after she started taking the medication. I don't really know if she's still taking them I'm gonna ask... what I do know is that she felt a lot better when she started taking them...

About religious: I am mad at "Him" or whatever it is above us... I found myself talking with Him, asking Him for help with different things, and then I remember how mad I am and I stop... or I would just say "who am I talking to?"... I look things differently now... it's like no matter what we do things are gonna happen... the way they happen is what we can control... so I just try to work on that...

About you helping: you have no idea how helpful you are... about the real life... many of my friends don't really know the real me... and it's weird to say that the ones who knows me the most are the ones I met through Internet... my family have no clue either except for my mom... I let her see the real Sol when all this happened because I wasn't strong enough to really hide it... I didn't care, plus she's my mom... so what's the danger in open up with her? So I did it... but nothing has changed... it changed while it happened, while we used to talk through Internet when she was in Peru, but since she's been here we haven't really talked about it... I do tell her lots of things about me, about my friends and all that... but I haven't really talked with her about what's going on inside... except for the other day... ahh... and last night I was going to the kitchen and I heard her talking with one of my brothers. She was asking him help to help me to start working again... Then she came to me and told me to print a couple of my resumes to send to somebody... I did it, but we really didn't talk about it... To go back to work is the thing I've been wanting the most for the last year or so... but now I'm afraid... what if I do get the job I've been wanting and I'm not able to really work... to really give my all? I used to live for my job.. I could have no social life, but I didn't care because I love it... but now... I can't even concentrate with school... how am I going to be able to concentrate with school and with a job??? I'm glad she's trying to help but I think she just thinks I'm sad... and I don't think this is JUST sadness... this is something else I cannot control... this is something that will not go away by just looking the other way... I don't know what I'm trying to say... I'm just really scare...

I also believe that soon or later I will make it... for example yesterday I had no questions about it... I was REALLY sure that I was going to make it... then there are days like today that I can't even concentrate in writting the paper I am supposed to write and I don't even feel like going out of my little cave... these are the worst days... because are the day I don't care about anything... I don't care about really making it... I think I should find myself something exciting to do and I might really look the other way... would that help at all?

Again, thank you for your words... Thanks to Lori and to Crossbow as well... My mom knows A LOT about depression, she's a nurse and she studied a lot about it... I have a couple of aunts who are therapists... so it's not an unknown subject for her (as for my dad... for him depressed persons are just lazy persons trying to look for an excuse to do nothing).

Take care,
SOL
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