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Old 04-30-2004, 10:38 AM   #1
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MBAL HB User
My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

(writers note: this may very well end up getting to be long, and most of you may not care...but maybe it will be therapy for me)

I was born at the same time and location of one of Chicago's worst train crashes. My mother had to share a delivery room with several survivors of this incident and the hospital was completely haywire. My mother wanted to name me Billy, but my father, used to getting what he wanted, named me after himself.

My childhood was semi-normal. My family fell in between that grey area of socioeconomics of white trash and middle class. I was extraordinarily intelligent as a child, however my talents never blossomed under the public school system, nor did I get much intellectual stimulation from home. My father was a truck driver and my mother was from Europe. Neither of them read much and would much rather engage in gossip than to talk about world events or spirituality or philosophy.

My father was, and is, an interesting case study in what happens to a child whom you shower with attention and then withdrawl it all at once. My dad made the mistake of getting a girl pregnant at 17 and immediately left for the army. His family still acknowleged him, however they did their best to exclude him from the family circle. He married my mother while in the army and returned hom and became a teamster.

Throughout my childhood, my father picked up the annoying habit of trying to be funny through being critical of me (he got that from his father). I think that because I was drawn to my mother he felt that this made me less of a man somehow and to this day he doubts my abilities. Somehow I think that any success I have as an adult is somehow diminishing him. That said, I love my father....not for the self centered hypercritical man he was, but for how often he fought off his natural urges to have what I call "golden moments" in parenting.

Anywho, throughout my youth I dabbled in sports. Gave that up when I discovered rock music and recreational drugs. Somehow, throughout me life, I always seemed to associate with people who made me feel inadequate. Whether it be my appearence (had a nasty acne problem) or my abilities. there was always someone sneering at me.

After highschool, i took a job delivering and met the most attractive young lady I had ever seen. Surprises of surprises, she wanted to be with me. Of course, as with all things in life, there was a catch. She was married. (yup.....for someone with such intelligence I can be quite the dumba**). Two years with her and my happiest day was when she told me she loved me. She left her husband and then declared that she didn't want a committment. Two years just to be someone's escape hatch! Ugh.

I dated a few more women after that, but didn't get to serious. Landed in a great job opportunity and at the age of 21, I was managing 2 million dollars a year worth of sales. I was making excellent money and decided to buy a small house. Just me and my dog!

Life was pretty good. Good money, nice house and a burgeoning career. But I was lonely. You see, since my last relationship I starting gaining the family trait of baldness. I even went so far to get a hair transplant. That really didn't do the trick. I had a bad feeling about my future. A premonition of sorts that would end up being true. I knew I would probably marry the next woman I seriously dated.

I met my wife on the internet. She was moderately attractive and I enjoyed her sense of humor. After 2 months of dating, we moved in with each other. I knew about 3 months into this that it wouldn't be good. She was a SLOB.

A bad one at that. I am not by any means a neat freak, however I do require some amount of order. We had many arguments about this, however she is one to start crying at the drop of the hat, so I quit arguing with her over it.

Somehow, someway I got steamrolled into marrying this woman. What makes it worse, is that she kept gaining weight and I was finding her more unattractive by the day. I couldn't stop the steamroller.

She wanted to get pregant right away because she had this arbitray age which she needed to be pregnant by. I knew that financially we wouldn't be able to handle it, but being the wuss that I am I didn't stop that steamroller either. As a result, we ended up in near financial ruin. With that, I started losing interest in work. I started goofing off all day and not really doing my job. It got to the point where I couldn't motivate myself to do anything.

Last year, I lost my job.

I found a great new job, and figured that this newness would revive me a bit. It hasn't. In fact, I'm worried that it is getting worse. I am emotionally flatlined and constantly tired. I suffer from a perpetual boredom and very little sounds appealing to me.

I also have a hard time making friends. I am not sure why that is. I am a generous person who loves to BS, but people don't seem to want to draw me into their circle.

There is one very broght light in my life and that is my little girl. Without her, I don't think I would go on in my current situation. (not suicide....but I would probably pick up and drive off somewhere).

I have thought about persuing therapy and investigated pharmaceutical options abit, but am not really crazy about that.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

MBAL

 
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Old 04-30-2004, 10:52 AM   #2
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mouse62 HB User
Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

Don't give up on yourself. For your daughter's sake, be a role model, someone who is excited about life and pursuing your dream. What are your dreams? Or are you still trying to figure that one out?

Sorry about the wife. I am a slob too and it drives my husband crazy -- well I guess she is not going to come on here for advice but I got a routine of cleaning and organizing down with "The Idiots Guide to Organization." I suspect that unhappiness with your relationship has spilled over into your whole life into a kind of numb feeling. You could try to improve the marriage (therapy,etc.), but if you are really unhappy, I was always told it's better to split when the child or children are still young and will adjust more easily to the situation.

I'm sure at leat one person will get on here and recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) -- I get the sense that you are not at the stage where you need medication yet, I recommend either one-on-one or group therapy. But maybe you are covering up some pretty deep psychic pain in which case you could be helped with medication. I was helped with Prozac many years ago.

Anyway .. . . hope you have a good weekend.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 10:59 AM   #3
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MBAL HB User
Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

Quote:
Originally Posted by mouse62
Don't give up on yourself. For your daughter's sake, be a role model, someone who is excited about life and pursuing your dream. What are your dreams? Or are you still trying to figure that one out?
Nothing is really interesting me right now.

Quote:
Sorry about the wife. I am a slob too and it drives my husband crazy -- well I guess she is not going to come on here for advice but I got a routine of cleaning and organizing down with "The Idiots Guide to Organization." I suspect that unhappiness with your relationship has spilled over into your whole life into a kind of numb feeling.
Numb feeling is pretty close to what I feel. Unmotivated and numb.

Quote:
You could try to improve the marriage (therapy,etc.), but if you are really unhappy, I was always told it's better to split when the child or children are still young and will adjust more easily to the situation.
Let's be honest here, men get the short end of the stick when it comes to custody of children.

Quote:
I'm sure at leat one person will get on here and recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) -- I get the sense that you are not at the stage where you need medication yet, I recommend either one-on-one or group therapy. But maybe you are covering up some pretty deep psychic pain in which case you could be helped with medication. I was helped with Prozac many years ago.
So you mean there is no "All better" pill? Damn.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 11:51 AM   #4
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srhlswk HB User
Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

I think you have it backwards. If you try to change it around to My derpession, and the boring a** life it caused. You have to go out and see things and meet new friends, and/or spend more time with them, you will come out of your depression by being aroung friends, and then your life wont be boring any more because you will have people to do things with and you wont have the time or energy to be depressed. It worked for me, until my horriffic injury, but have some fun, and cheer up

 
Old 04-30-2004, 12:03 PM   #5
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Keen17 HB User
Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

Although your advice srhlswk is good advice to a certain degree, I know what MBAL is going through. When you are down, you are really down and it's hard to go out and meet people when you feel like a dipstick. You won't attract people to become friends with. What I would suggest is going to someone like a therapist. Talk about what's going on, that alone could help. It sounds like you have issues to deal with from your past or you wouldn't have wrote about it here.

You may also want to talk to the therapist about medication. At least talk about it. I think you owe it to yourself and your daughter to get better. And you CAN get better, it's just very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. You only need to be courageous for a moment and take a step toward getting yourself out of your rut. Whether that be talking to a therapist or maybe even going to your Dr. and telling him your situation and asking him the best recovery plan.

Good luck to you. I can totally relate.

 
Old 04-30-2004, 01:50 PM   #6
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Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

Thank you for the advice. I keep thinking about sneaking off and seeing a therapist without anyone knowing, but I am wondering if that is a bad idea. Do you all think I should talk with my wife first?

 
Old 04-30-2004, 02:51 PM   #7
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browneyedgrl HB User
Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

If you're not very close with your wife anymore, I don't see why you HAVE to tell her.

I have felt the same way as you, and right now I just started Wellbutrin, and it's making me feel shaky and jittery as hell, but hopefully that'll pass. So maybe try medication?

I also lately do not want to do anything, like I don't feel like hanging out with people. I would rather just stay home. I used to make people come out!

 
Old 04-30-2004, 03:23 PM   #8
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Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

Quote:
Originally Posted by browneyedgrl
If you're not very close with your wife anymore, I don't see why you HAVE to tell her.
No. But I don't want to have to feel guilty about something else either. Who knows, maybe she will surprise me and be of a benefit for a change.

 
Old 05-03-2004, 07:30 PM   #9
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solcita HB Usersolcita HB User
Re: My Boring A** Life and the Depression it Caused

Quote:
Originally Posted by MBAL
No. But I don't want to have to feel guilty about something else either. Who knows, maybe she will surprise me and be of a benefit for a change.
Hi, sorry for jumping in, I just read the entire topic and I really don't see the need of talking to your wife before going to therapy. You're doing it for your own good... I mean, it will help you at home too... It's not like you need her permission or anything... What you may do is go to therapy and then after going a couple of times tell her that you go... that way you won't feel guilty (even when you have no reasons to feel that way) or she won't "surprise" you...

Hope it gets better, let us know what you decide

SOL
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* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *

 
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