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Old 05-08-2004, 09:44 PM   #1
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Post From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Hey lil beanie girl. I missed ya as well. I often worry about you and all my lil board buddies and if everything is ok. Im sorry I havent been around. Life is just been really difficult. I haven't talked to anyone much and I really have suffered a great deal in the last few. Ive been physically ill as well. Last sunday morning I woke up and I had the worst dizzy spell ever. And I wasnt even sure why. My head was hurting and I had to spend the entire day like a blind person cos if I opened my eyes even for a few seconds Id get sick and throw up. I went to the hospital the following day and learned that my blood pressure and blood sugar was sky high. My depression is really starting to affect me on a physical level, which in a way makes me less concern about my mental health. Although Im not afraid of dying and death, Im jus not ready to right now. Plus Ive become more actively involved in my personal health once it starts causing me physical pain. I have a very very very low threshold for sickness and pain. I recently had a stomach virus and I was reduced to a infant. I had to miss a week at work. Thank god I still have my job.

About the girl. Right now, she is so oblivious to the fact that my life almost literally extends to every letter she sends me. She actually has a life and works and have friends and family, so its not very convenient for her to write to me so many times cos the translating process takes alot of time. I admittedly was impatient and I think it may have scared her a bit. She is jus being her normal self, and she actually does like me. But I have so many issues, I dont know what to do really. She gave me her phone number. I have yet to call her. I purchased a bunch of international phone cards but, its so hard for me to pick up the phone. She has a overwhelming affect on me. Well, plus Ive been sick all week and I dont want her hearing me coughing and constantly clearing my throat. lol. Plus im very concern about my feelings towards her. I know its silly to say this but.... I think I love her. No, actually, I know I love her. I just know that I shouldn't at this point. But I cant help it. Ive been taught and given hate all my life by people. Rejected by so many. As soon as just one person come around in my life and express interest in me, I fall head over heels. And I told her that. I told her that, you dont get many chances in life to catch a shooting star. Its refreshing talking to someone like her. She is young but mature and simple. Open minded, doesnt express interest in material things, always talks about her family and nature and views in life. Isnt poisoned by the whole outlook of todays society, where everything is revolved around looks and money and cars and etc. The type of girl that would never own a Britney Spears poster or mini skirt, or know what Mtv is. lol. Someone who is more captivated by Shakespeare than Brad Pitt. Someone who is high on life and not trendy alcoholic drinks and drugs. Ive learned so much from her. She has given me so much. So much hope. She is giving me a reason, to live again.

I hate to say it but, my mind, my past, my whole being wont allow me to really believe I could ever be so extraordinarily lucky to have someone like her want to be in a relationship with me. She would eventually find out how much of a loser I am and be repulsed of me physically. Seeing me in person is different than in the pictures I sent her. Shes too beautiful. Im too ugly. Shes too lovable. Im too hateful. Shes too meaningful, im too meaningless. Shes happy. Im sad. She has grace. Im a bum. Im not a prince in shining armour. Im the filthy troll under the bridge. I cant help but to feel this way. Its not likely I can translate all my life experiences and try to find myself as being very worthy or deserving of anything in life. When youve always been hated, its hard to ever expect or anticipate love. You just know these things you know. Its like knowing you limits or your boundaries. I mean everybody who would admit to it would know what I mean. We see a person and for some reason we wont approach them, cos we dont feel attractive enough or, finacially stable enough, or outgoing and lively enough. Its like me trying to ask Halle Berry, Oprah Winfrey, or Whitney Houston out on a date. You just know. No matter how high or low your self worth and self image is. You just know that person is, out of reach. Reminds me a of a song I used to hear on the radio. It went "shes so high, high above me, so lovely, like cleopatra, joan of arc." And I guess thats how I view her. All my life. Ive always wanted the things I couldnt have. The things I shouldnt dare dream of. Like I slave dreaming of freedom. And one day, i made the tragic realization that I cant live without those things. I just can't. I cant do it. Cant live a dark lonely life. Cant live struggling all the time. Cant sit and watch the couples walk by. Cant sit and watch peoples dream come true. Cant watch peoples love stories. I cant exist if I have to be ugly and unattractive. Life. My eyes are just a set of tv's. It just a constant sad episode. Im watching the world. But im not living in it. Im watching life. But im not living it. I guess its cos, I dont want to be on this tv show called life. I dont want to be cast as the big, black, depressed, lonely, overweight, unattractive guy #13. I wish I could love myself. I dont know if I can or ever will. I do in some ways, I think im a bright person, and kind, and blah blah. Lets be honest, none of that matters. What makes aperson extraordinary is if your a beautiful person who is bright, kind, modest, and sweet. Being ugly as I am, I have no choice but to be those things. What am I gonna be arrogant and confident about? Doesnt matter how nasty and mean someone is, if they have the gift of physical attraction, somehow they can still draw even the nicest of people. Beauty may be only skin deep. But ugliness is a entire way of being. Inside and out. Internal and externally. You look ugly, you feel ugly, you live ugly.

My sister asked me the other day, "why does it matter so much? Why am I so hung up on how I look physically." And I said, your right. Why does it matter so much? Why was I abused so badly? Why was I rejected so much? Why was I never called handsome by anyone? Why arent people attracted to me? Why is my skin color so hated? Why does it matter what color I am or how tall I am or how much I weight? Why does it matter? Especially if we are all suppose to be created in the image of God. Its just the way it is. I think even God should understand that the notion of all men and women being created equally was lost the moment mankind determined what is beautiful and what is not. Who is strong and who is not. Who is attractive and who is not. Who is smarter and who is not. And more importantly, who is different and who is not.

Tomorrow is mothers day. Which is going to be a very painful day for me. Especially with everything that has gone on lately. I recently told my mother, the best thing she ever could have done for me was have a abortion. Yeah I know, I wish I could take it back. My resentment has spread. And it is starting to be directed towards my parents. Just the fact that they told me I was a mistake. I even immaturely catch myself resenting the fact they should not have had children cos they arent attractive physically, both had health problems and my mother was treated for depression. I can handle the health problems, but I find it quite impossible trying to be happy and live a happy life as a unattractive child and now a even more unattractive man. I know thats a very sad way to think and quite insulting to them. I cant really control how I feel or think anymore. I guess I wasnt "blessed." But its ok, I guess. Well, not really. My life being ruined and me dying because of this isnt ok. But if there is a will there is a way. Hoping against hope. There I go again. lol. Oneday Ill write the story of a 26 year old, ugly, unattractive, african american, overweight man who suffers from depression and makes 400 dollars a week and lives with his parents, who was able to find the love of his life, peace of mind and happiness. Yeah I know, its just a fictional fantasy. But tell me that wouldn't be a best seller?

 
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Old 05-09-2004, 12:07 PM   #2
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Genabeena HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Manny, I literally have 1 minute to write this. So, I'll be back later today or tomorrow to add more. I just wanted to say that the above mentioned "story" you described, that would be a wonderful story. I would read it cover to cover.

I personally believe that the simplistic veiw of creation and a personal vs. impersonal God is fraught with inconsistencies and problems that can never be reconciled, but that doesn't mean that there is no hope for happiness or an alternate way of viewing things that is optimistic and also deeply spiritual.

Well, I've got to go. The pressure is on for me to hurry. Talk to you more later.

Love, Gena

 
Old 05-10-2004, 07:30 AM   #3
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Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Hey Gena. What are you up to you busy lil bee? Always in a hurry. lol. I guess that is a good thing though. Its always good to have something to do, somewhere to go, someone relying on you. I hope everything is going well. How is the job thing going?

Im very emotional right now. Part of me is happy. Part of me is sad. Im just in a gray area of numbness but I know when it wears off Im going to sink into a bad state of depression. I dont want to turn this into a romance thread or anything. But I did call the girl, finally. Talk about butterflies in your stomach. More like a swarm of killer bees. I really think im cursed though. I think last night may have just convinced me that there is some entity or force, or just as once someone said to me, simply fate, keeping me from being happy and just having one thing good to happen for me in my life. When I finally got through to her, of course the phone connection was horrible and she could barely hear me and i could barely hear here. But with that said, I did hear her voice clearly a few times. And It made me smile ear to ear. I was able to tell her who I was and Ill never forget hearing her say "Hi Rod!" in excitement. lol. She has the voice of a angel but the phone connection made me want to hang myself. I bought a phonecard but calling internationally is so difficult. I thought I had like 100 mins but I call and it only said I have 16. lol. Which is fine, I dont care. Hearing her say hello was worth it.

Another problem is, she cant email me anymore. For some ungodly reason it cost more to email someone than to postal mail them. I dont want her having to spend money trying to contact me at all. Cos I do notice the fact that her and her family arent very stable finacially. I think she actually lives on a farm. i could be wrong, I dont know, but when I called her I heard a rooster. lol. I dont know. it cant be that bad if she has a cell phone. Right? Anyway i called fedex and it cost 50 dollars just to send a little tiny 4 ounce letter through them. For crying out loud. But, Which again, I dont care, but it will take a year for me to get anything from her postal. well more like 3-4 weeks. But I cant, I just cant take myself through that. I dont understand, cos ive postal mailed a friend in england many times and he got my mail within usually a week and all I had to do was buy 3 stamps and drop it in a box. The email thing was perfect but now, thats gone. Sux. So right now im sitting here with a throbbing heart, and this beautiful voice replaying in my head. But theres no way I can ever hear it again clearly and now I cant contact her through email and now the only option left it seems is a postal letter once a month. I want to hang myself. lol. I dont understand what im doing wrong. I wish someone could help or give me advice. What can I do. i dont care how much it takes, but last thing I have is time and patience. I just wish for once life would just be fair. Just for once, be fair. I try so hard. And it just doesnt matter what I do or how hard I try. It just doesnt matter. I lose everytime.

Enough of that. Have your still been talking to Mermaid? I havent heard from her. Seems like im losing you guys. I know i know I havent been around much myself. Anyway, let me know how things are going with you. I need a beenie update. Doesnt matter good or bad. I really just want to know how youve been and how things are going with you, the job and your soon to be ex. Hey, what did you do on mothers day? Anyway, im going to work now. Im still kind of upbeat at the moment, mainly cos I was happy I had the courage to call and just seems like jus hearing from her jus put me in this mood. But once I realize the true nature of the situation, and the excitement wears off, Im going to be in bad shape. Im still working on writing that love story. But im stuck in the first chapter. The pen seems to have run out of ink for me, already.

 
Old 05-10-2004, 04:26 PM   #4
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Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Hey man apart and gena! i've been here all along, checking up on threads everyday. however, it's finals time at school and i have been extremely stressed out with work for the past few weeks. luckily, it's all over soon and i get to go home on saturday! but because of the stress i've been under, i haven't really had time to reply to any posts. i have time to read them, but instead of writing back, i've been writing papers. oh the joys of being an english major (sense the sarcasm?)

anyway, i figure i should give you an update of my situation, since i haven't checked in in a while. i was put on zoloft almost 4 weeks ago. i started out at 50 mg/day for 2 weeks, then recently i was upped to 100 mg/day by my psychiatrist after i had a follow up appointment. i've been on 100mg for almost a week and a half, and so far i haven't noticed any major differences. i'm going to give it some time, wait for my body to get used to it, and hopefully things will improve. also, because of all the stress from finals i've had lately, it adds to my depression and even more to my anxiety, so i'm sure as soon as finals are over i'll be on my way to getting better.

man, i'm so glad you got to talk to her. it must have been so amazing to hear her voice! please don't worry about not being able to email each other; as annoying and expensive as snail mail is, it should be really nice to be able to see each other's handwriting and little cute things like that. it sounds cheesy, but it reminds me of old movies. you know the ones where the husband is shipped off to war on another continent and the only way his wife can keep in touch with him is by letters. it's very romantic sounding. sorry, i'm a big cheeseball, but maybe if you thought of it in those terms (that it's really classicly romantic) it won't be so bad. you're still keeping in touch with her, so clearly you're not doing anything wrong.

gena- how are you doing? how is the job search going? i hope you get a job in the school distric you want, and that you don't have to move out of state. i'm glad to hear that your soon-to-be ex is finally starting to cooperate somewhat, i hope he continues to and that the divorce is quick and painless. keep us updated!

love and miss you all,
meredith

 
Old 05-10-2004, 11:13 PM   #5
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lori j HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Hi Man, I've not had a lot of time to post, but you know, when it's warm outside, I'm outside. I have such bad depression in the winter, which is much too long here, that when it's warm I'm outside all the time. I had scads of flowers to plant, lots of new ones I spent money on that never come back up again, like they are supposed to.

Then with mothers day etc. I've just been busy, haven't deserted this place, but not enough time. When I'm done outside I'm pooped. I don't have the sense to stop when I get tired. I guess cause working in the yard is therapy for me, so I want more of that rush I get from it & I push too hard. Have had back soreness cause I'm overdoing it & here I am with a bad back, had a herniated disc 4 years ago, but I have no sense, as I said. LOL

I haven't had time to keep up on a lot of posts, just posted the other nite to a few new ones where no one had answered. That's the worst feeling to post to a new board & have no one answer, so I try to do that when I have time.

Why does email cost internationally or is it her server that costs so much? You guys have to figure out a way to communicate, snail mail is the pits. I tried it with a friend in Australia & it took like a month! Not good!!

I'm glad you got to hear her voice at least, you must have had chills & been flying high.

I'll be checking in as much as I can & remember I'm not leaving this place, just busy.

Lori J

 
Old 05-10-2004, 11:15 PM   #6
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Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Man, forgot to tell you, last weekend, my d-in-law, myself & hubby all had some kind of stomach flu, so whatever it is, it's going around, so I was also sick.

 
Old 05-11-2004, 08:46 AM   #7
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Genabeena HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Hey, donít you think for one fraction of a second that youíre losing me. You couldnít if you tried. Yeah Iíve been kind of busy, but more than that, I tend to hold off on posting sometimes when Iím really feeling negative. Itís better for me and everybody if I keep positive.

Lori is right. You have to find a way. Itís brainstorm time. I think you should try to find out absolutely as much as you can about what her situation is and what options may or may not be available to her as means of communication. Itís entirely possible that there are some alternatives that just havenít been thought of yet. In fact, I know it. Where thereís a will, thereís a way. Donít give up.

Also Mermaid is right about the romance thing. Thatís not at all cheesey. Itís true!

To answer your question about Motherís day, Iíll just stick to the good parts. My 6 year old gave me a wonderful picture with some sentences under it about what she likes about her mommy. It says:

My mom looks prettiest in the spring and summer. My mom cooks the best popcorn in the world! I help my mom when I help clean the house. I donít like it when my mom makes me carry heavy things. I like it when my mom lets me play the toy machine. Thank you, Mom, for making me smile!

Around 4 oíclock, we went to my brother and sister-in-lawís house. They made a lovely dinner. My parentís, my sister-in-lawís parents, my nephews, and the girls and I were there. The weather was beautiful for the first hour or so of our visit. Then there was an enormous downpour. After the downpour, the weather cleared up again, so we went outdoors with the kids and let them play in this enormous mud puddle (in a sort of trench). Beautiful day. Beautiful day.

My job search is slow-going and tedious. If Iím lucky, though, Iíll get a call to go south for some job interviews. Itíll be almost like a vacation. Iíll definitely make the best of it. Even if I donít get called for an interview, Iíll go out there for some job fairs. Thank you all so much for hoping for me. I feel the positive energy swirling in the air. I do think itís helping. Thank you!

Iíll get back to you later and let you know more of whatís going on. You take care Man Apart (Rod- cute name.) Whether this is good or bad, I care about you a lot. So, think strong, and take care of you!

 
Old 05-11-2004, 11:26 PM   #8
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enoch HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Take a couple of weeks off from work
Get on plane
go to her

let her see you are there for her
what is the worse that can happen
you are going to lose her anyway
you can't help yourself
do something you wouldn't dare do in a million years

dig deep - your a dead man walking anyway
so whats the worse that happen
if you change your future
but stepping out of your expected past

your words a noose around you neck
but your heart wears the wings of angels

you are a young man
act the part for once

throw caution to the wind

if she laughs at you in her dirt drive way
if she hides and will not come out
if she says she was only kidding
if she has you arrested for stalking

who cares
its all on her
because you will have done something
besides - what you do

my mom is born and bred english
and she has saying
this woman who sat through the blitz
in london in a back yard cellar

"bloody well get on with it"

man apart - your already saying no
this is not a suggestion
this is way for you to save your life

do something
act
move
feet
sick or not go

survival will kick in
you will not have time
to tighten nooses
you will be havng the adventure of your lifetime

and american neruotic in london.. (or where ever)

there is poetry to travel
and desperation in mindlessness
don't think this through
just start the first part of it
the rest will figure it self out
with little involvement from you.

you never know what life long friends
you might meet along the way
you never know when a trip meant to do one thing
ends up doing ten other things completely different

please do no post to me why you can not do this

I am not interested in the logic that you are so well versed in
you wear it like armor - and it is the best armor I have ever seen.

and if you could apply it to science you would have a noble prize
within the year.

get up off the couch and go....

you can travel to foreign places with meds as long as the meds are in the bottle they came in - any type -


now how much was you saying you loved this young lady?

don't respond - its an oxymoron (thunderous silence) ,,

 
Old 05-11-2004, 11:42 PM   #9
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lori j HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoch
Take a couple of weeks off from work
Get on plane
go to her

let her see you are there for her
what is the worse that can happen
you are going to lose her anyway
you can't help yourself
do something you wouldn't dare do in a million years

dig deep - your a dead man walking anyway
so whats the worse that happen
if you change your future
but stepping out of your expected past

your words a noose around you neck
but your heart wears the wings of angels

you are a young man
act the part for once

throw caution to the wind

if she laughs at you in her dirt drive way
if she hides and will not come out
if she says she was only kidding
if she has you arrested for stalking

who cares
its all on her
because you will have done something
besides - what you do

my mom is born and bred english
and she has saying
this woman who sat through the blitz
in london in a back yard cellar

"bloody well get on with it"

man apart - your already saying no
this is not a suggestion
this is way for you to save your life

do something
act
move
feet
sick or not go

survival will kick in
you will not have time
to tighten nooses
you will be havng the adventure of your lifetime

and american neruotic in london.. (or where ever)

there is poetry to travel
and desperation in mindlessness
don't think this through
just start the first part of it
the rest will figure it self out
with little involvement from you.

you never know what life long friends
you might meet along the way
you never know when a trip meant to do one thing
ends up doing ten other things completely different

please do no post to me why you can not do this

I am not interested in the logic that you are so well versed in
you wear it like armor - and it is the best armor I have ever seen.

and if you could apply it to science you would have a noble prize
within the year.

get up off the couch and go....

you can travel to foreign places with meds as long as the meds are in the bottle they came in - any type -


now how much was you saying you loved this young lady?

don't respond - its an oxymoron (thunderous silence) ,,
I can respond though, GREAT ADVICE!!! Man, get up & GO!! Remember the man from England that I told you about that is now living here in the U.S. with the lady he met on a chat board, he too was "too ugly for anyone to love him" (his words). You should see thier darling baby!! Go, meet her & make babies!!!!!!!

Last edited by lori j; 05-11-2004 at 11:43 PM.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 02:58 PM   #10
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Man Apart HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Stop, please stop. I shouldnt talk about this cos its excruciatingly painful. Its over. Ive cut ties with her. I wish we were at that stage. I wish I had the green light. I would start saving to go. But remember, I said have those feelings to her, she doesnt to me. You know, I dont even want to do this anymore. Im tired. Im so tired. As I type Ive been surfing the net, googling "is there life after death." My therapist today told me she doesnt trust me anymore. She called me a quitter. I NEVER quit. I just lost. Theres a difference. I fought for so many years. I lost. What else im I suppose to do.

I just cant help but to look how pathetic I am now. Look what ive reduced to. You know I thought maybe there is a loop hole despite the fact that Im and ugly fat black man. I could go on some mail order bride sites and find the unshallow, unamericanized, loyal, genuine woman to devote myself to and love. I had NO idea, how widespread the negative perception of being black is. I had no idea. I emailed someone from the philippines today, she emailed me back telling me she only wanted a white american. lol. Jesus I wish I could like go spray paint myself white for oneday and see how different my life would be. What a priviledge. What a priviledge.

Im out of group therapy now. I cant sit in there anymore with a bunch of women talking about their abusive husbands. Its hard enough most of them are attractive. They can easily just find someone else. My therapist is turning against me. Ive become disruptive, mainly because im not there faking like she is actually being effective. Im not gonna sit and pretend im ok. Im tired of people telling me I indulge in self pity. Im not. Im in constant pain and I just want it to end. It does not go away. It does not take a vacation, it hurts me from sun up to sun down. My head hurts all day. My mind is racing and filled with anguish, I cant sleep, I cant rest, I cant be calm. It hurts to breathe, I can fill my anxiety flowing through my nostrils, in and out of my lungs.

I had to write a suicide contract because my therapist was concerned about what I wrote on my activity sheet. They ask you from zero to ten how much have you benifited today, i put 0. They ask my mood, I said critical. They asked my concerns I said suicidal. Just unable to deter the thoughts and feelings. So instead of, some type of emotional comfort or encouragement, she tells me "i dont trust you, sign this contract."

I dont know guys. Whats the answers for me.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 03:40 PM   #11
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Man Apart HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

All those poets and all those men who spoke and wrote of misery and suffering as such a unsightly thing.... They never stood here. My life is a mystery to me. My hope is locked in a box and buried underground. My dreams have become my sickness. Thoughts of death befriend me. I was once a happy young man. I was once pure and innocent. There was a time I knew what it felt like to smile. What happens when you can no longer see past the darkness. When you can no longer feel anything other than pain. What is one to do, when your life is destroyed.

I am only a scar. The scar of my past. Mentally and phyiscally. A deep and visible wound. Why can I not accept these scars. Why can I not accept myself. My mind has become my enemy. Our mind is everything. If you squander that, you lose everything. The way I think and feel amazes me. Too aware. Too irrational. Too lost. Wont allow me to accept myself. Wont allow me to accept I am ugly. Wont allow me to accept I am lonely. Refuses to give me the will to overcome and endure. Refuses to accept. What would you say to a blind man who refuses to accept he cannot see. Or to a crippled man who refuses to accept he cannot walk. I cant accept my life. The constant struggle is neverending. The misery is everlasting. No part of life is ever met with love, joy, and peace. I heavily fault myself as well. It is not my fault but I feel I assisted in my mind being dragged through mud. Exposed to many toxins. A childs mind poisoned.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 04:16 PM   #12
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Man Apart HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

There is a place where pain does not exist. Where there is no memory or suffering. Where envy does not exist. There is a place where there is no mirrors. Where I can no longer know what jealous is. I can be oblivious to racism and rejection. There is a place where there is no poverty. No money to be made. No temptations, no addictions. No competition. Noone to please. Noone to work under. No longer competing for quality of life. There is no beauty or ugliness there. There is no time. There is no blood to bleed. No skin to be bruised. No bones to be broken. There is no color. There is no crying. There is no visions of the past. There is no past, present, nor future. There is no good or bad, or war or evil. There is no memory of the rape, abuse, anguish, and suffering I have experience. No memory of lost. No depression. No anxiety.

I dream of this paradise. I dream of this place. It is the only place I want to go. It cost nothing to get there. I do not have to travel. As tears run down my face now, I imagine this special place. But why am I crying. Why is it wrong to feel this way. Why is it wrong to dream of this place. I was there before this place. And all I remember about that place is that I remember nothing.

My life. My world. My mind. My prison. My last day will be the most illustirous and glorious day of my life. The day I become free.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 04:26 PM   #13
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Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. I stood still and gained sadness, lonliness, illness and misery. I ventured happiness, peace of mind, health and love. I gained more sadness, lonliness, illness, and misery.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 04:50 PM   #14
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Man Apart HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Indulge in happiness. Enjoy your beautiful flesh and body. Let the envy fuel your vanity. Live blissfully in your beautiful world. Make everyone weak and desire you. I will never forget all the times you murdered me. Made me feel lesser. Made me different. Made me ugly. Just because I could not look like you. i could not have your flesh. Do not pity me. If I could have one wish in death, it would be to watch you deteriorate. The more years go by, the more your beautiful life will fade. Because your vanity is so rich. It is all you live for. I wish I could see the day you look into the mirror and for the first time the seeds of misery are planted. You become undesirable. Old, sick, in pain. To watch yourself lose everything as I have so many times because of you. All of you. Every single one of you. There is one thing that is certain. That in time all things will pass away. Do not pity me. I never had anything in this life worth losing or living for. I pity you. You had it all.

 
Old 05-12-2004, 10:01 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 2,221
lori j HB User
Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

I truly think a lot of your thoughts are distorted from depression. I know you'll say no, that your looks are not distorted by your thoughts, but I think they are. What is wrong with black men??? I have many friends that are black. I would have had no qualms about dating a black man. (I've been married forever) but that would not bother me at all & I know many people it would not bother. You are just running into the wrong people.

So, my thoughts are this: you really, really need to get back on meds. I had a horrible day yesterday, just out of the blue, the depression took over my mind, I tried to think of my family, my grandchildren, nothing helped, it all seemed so worthless, so pointless. This all came out of nowhere. I called my pdoc, I upped my new med & today I feel so much better.

I was put on only a half tablet of trazadone, since I usually react so strongly to meds. It was not cutting the depression, the whole tab seems to help more. I'm still at the lowest dose of this med, but usually I do ok on the lowest, so I'm now taking just one pill at bedtime.

I was good for weeks, planting, enjoying the sun, the warm weather & BAM out of nowhere.

Please try another AD med. I know it will help your thoughts. I know the pain you are in, no matter the cause, the reasons, it is the same pain for all of us. That pain is not really a physical pain, you know what kind it is & so does everyone else here, but hard to explain to someone who doesn't have depression.

Please seek another med.... please, I hate to see you in such pain.

 
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