oftentorn

Ok, I know I've probably been mildly to moderately depressed for most of my life, but I've never been in this bad a condition before. Things seem so bad that I really don't know what to do. I think I understand so much better why people do strange things that they do now, better than I ever did before. Life is just very hard sometimes, you know. I think it can be harder than what some of us can deal with. I don't know, but I think mine is kind of like that.

Little background. A few weeks ago, my general negative outlook took it up a notch, in a manner of speaking. I felt just awful, anxious, sad, hopeless, overstressed, you name it, I probably felt it. It got so bad that I had to call in to work one very very critical day. It was important as I had a lot to do that day, but nontheless I was about as useless as an old newspaper that day and even if I wanted too I couldn't go to work. My boss, a wonderful lady, said that it was no problem for me to call in if I felt that was best...but thought it terribly inappropriate that I not talk to someone and get some help because I sounded really bad. I knew she was right, so I proceded to do what I could with her help.

Well, fast forward to today. I'm taking a medicaiton called Risperidone (sp?) and have talked to a therapist and am supposed to talk to her regularly (although it's nearly impossible to get appointments), but this is killing me!!!! I don't know what to do to feel better. I can't stand feeling this way, but I don't know how to do anything different. I'm sick of being alone all the time. I'm sick of feeling like I'm trying to punch through a brick wall all the time. I'm just tired. I don't know why I'm writing this here even, I guess I just wish that someone could tell me somehow that this will be better one day.

I can't tell this to my family or friends. The only person that really knows what's going on is my boss and I'm NOT going to burden her constantly with my problems.

Why does life seem so hard? There is never enough money. There are never enough resources. In every area of life it seems it's an uphill battle to get anything accomplished. I'm tired of everything being such a struggle.

And no, I'm not suicidal. I have responsibilities that are far too important to abandone for personal selfishness, but that seems to just make it worse to think about. Everything sucks and the only answer that I could possibly think of is still no answer at all.

I mean, do you just keep going until what? One day you just explode from the sheer force of the pain of it all. I wish I knew what was going on with me right now and I wish I knew how to fix it.