It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Depression Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-21-2005, 07:34 AM   #1
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 12
lift HB User
loving husband concerned about wife

Hello I am new to this board but after much searching on the net and off the net I have decided to see if I can glean any help from this board. I am sorry if what follows is somewhat disjointed but I am extremely sad, frustrated and dare I say nearing a depression myself. My wife and I have been together now for five years we have a 2 year old daughter together and my 11 year old step son from a previous relationship of hers. My wife was diagnosed by three different doctors with major depression over the past three months. This is after a 18 month to 2 year period of "what the hell is going on", we knew something was wrong but what? So now she has been on zoloft for two weeks. I guess let me explain how she was and how she now is and perhaps someone out there will find some similarities. She used to be very fun loving, shared her feelings with me looked forward to every moment together and was very sexual with me, she was more relaxed and easy going. Now she hardly shares her feelings with me, she could care less about doing anything together, she is always stressed, and sex is the very last thing on her mind especially now that she is on zoloft. Even before zoloft she would still want sex once a week but in the two weeks since zoloft not a single sexual thought she says. She falls asleep so early that after the kids go to sleep she does the same which leaves no alone time for us to even reconnect on a mental or emotional level... You have to understand that I have done as much research on depression and all it's related problems and therapies/treatments and I have always been supportive and loving...I get her flowers every week with a letter telling her how much I love her, I clean around the house, I own my own business so I am able to watch our 2 year old at work while she works or if she needs time alone at home, I give her massages whenever I can to help her relieve stress, and I do a lot of other small things to help but nothing seems to. I have reached a point now where I feel emaotionally drained, unwanted and useless I am starting to become depressed myself and I am betting so angry at her that I don't even want to be around her, I haven't even told her that I love her in a week and usually I say it 5-10 times a day. I just feel like she isn't doing her part to get better...the therapist has told her to practice relaxation techniques when she's alone but she doesn't she fines something else to do like fold clothes or something, she used to workout 4 days a week and eat right up until she went on zoloft and in those two weeks she hasn't exercised and hasn't eaten very well and from what I am told exercise and good eating are vital to deal with depression effectively....so like I said I feel like everyone around her is doing everthing to help her get better and she isn't doing her part...I jus tam around her now and I can bring myself to be very loving right now...it's as though I need love given my way so that I can feel emotionally and spiritually recharged enough to give back...this has been two years of me being loving and patient and I feel like I am at the end of my rope...I would leave her tommorrow if it wasn't for the kids and a feeling in me that saids " hold on this week may be the week things change...hang in there" but week after week nothing changes but yet I have hope for the next...

Thanks for listening

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-21-2005, 07:50 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 588
MellyMel HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by lift
Hello I am new to this board but after much searching on the net and off the net I have decided to see if I can glean any help from this board. I am sorry if what follows is somewhat disjointed but I am extremely sad, frustrated and dare I say nearing a depression myself. My wife and I have been together now for five years we have a 2 year old daughter together and my 11 year old step son from a previous relationship of hers. My wife was diagnosed by three different doctors with major depression over the past three months. This is after a 18 month to 2 year period of "what the hell is going on", we knew something was wrong but what? So now she has been on zoloft for two weeks. I guess let me explain how she was and how she now is and perhaps someone out there will find some similarities. She used to be very fun loving, shared her feelings with me looked forward to every moment together and was very sexual with me, she was more relaxed and easy going. Now she hardly shares her feelings with me, she could care less about doing anything together, she is always stressed, and sex is the very last thing on her mind especially now that she is on zoloft. Even before zoloft she would still want sex once a week but in the two weeks since zoloft not a single sexual thought she says. She falls asleep so early that after the kids go to sleep she does the same which leaves no alone time for us to even reconnect on a mental or emotional level... You have to understand that I have done as much research on depression and all it's related problems and therapies/treatments and I have always been supportive and loving...I get her flowers every week with a letter telling her how much I love her, I clean around the house, I own my own business so I am able to watch our 2 year old at work while she works or if she needs time alone at home, I give her massages whenever I can to help her relieve stress, and I do a lot of other small things to help but nothing seems to. I have reached a point now where I feel emaotionally drained, unwanted and useless I am starting to become depressed myself and I am betting so angry at her that I don't even want to be around her, I haven't even told her that I love her in a week and usually I say it 5-10 times a day. I just feel like she isn't doing her part to get better...the therapist has told her to practice relaxation techniques when she's alone but she doesn't she fines something else to do like fold clothes or something, she used to workout 4 days a week and eat right up until she went on zoloft and in those two weeks she hasn't exercised and hasn't eaten very well and from what I am told exercise and good eating are vital to deal with depression effectively....so like I said I feel like everyone around her is doing everthing to help her get better and she isn't doing her part...I jus tam around her now and I can bring myself to be very loving right now...it's as though I need love given my way so that I can feel emotionally and spiritually recharged enough to give back...this has been two years of me being loving and patient and I feel like I am at the end of my rope...I would leave her tommorrow if it wasn't for the kids and a feeling in me that saids " hold on this week may be the week things change...hang in there" but week after week nothing changes but yet I have hope for the next...

Thanks for listening

Hi Lift!!

Have you thought about marriage counseling?? It is good stuff I must say, and keep in mind, when you are severly depressed, you have NO energy and sex is usually the LAST thing on one's mind, because it does become WORK and NOT fun! I put my hubby through the ringer for a few years before I felt well and he was lucky to get it twice a month!! If you truly love her, think of counseling; it did wonders for me and my hubby! How long has she been on med's by the way??
Melly

 
Old 01-21-2005, 07:55 AM   #3
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 633
Blue102 HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

You sound like a great guy, and bravo for trying to help her out. The thing about depression is, it is always very discouraging for the other folks around, because it LOOKS like the depressed one isn't "doing their part" to get better. A truly depressed person doesn't have the energy or motivation to 'snap out of it'. Just getting out of bed and going to work is, for her, a great accomplishment. It is really hard to understand for someone who's never had depression. All I can say is don't lose patience, and definitely don't place any blame on her, because that will sink her in deeper. She'll get better with meds, and then she'll owe her life to you after this is all over. (And she better give you some when that time comes, for all you're doing! )

 
Old 01-21-2005, 08:13 AM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 359
luv2read HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

What a wonderful,caring husband you are!!

When I get way down deep into my "black hole" , my husband stays waaaaaay far away from me.

When I do get like that he'll help out a bit around the house and with feeding the kids. It helps out greatly.

Maybe you're "helping" her too much. I don't know.

I do know that you need to take care of your own emotional well being also. You don't want to end up w/ depression yourself.

Try backing off a bit and see what happens. I only say that because the other way obviously isn't doing any good , and only making you sad and upset.

Be there for her , and love her....but take care of yourself too!!

Hope I made a little bit of sense.
__________________

Last edited by luv2read; 01-21-2005 at 08:14 AM.

 
Old 01-21-2005, 09:42 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 35
EssieLouHammer HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

You do seem like a great husband! The advice and comments of the other posters is right on target. Marriage counseling is a great idea. It is a great neutral ground for you both to talk and share your concerns.

Also, I know from living with depression that it is like an infection, a true disease. I also know that because it appears 'feeling' based, many see it as something that can be fixed by the victim if they just wanted to. So, you find yourself not only depressed, but sometimes unintentionally bruised by friends and family who don't understand.

I remember trying to explain it to my mom and she would just snap "Well, think happy thoughts". I could no more have done that I could have jumped off the barn roof and flew. My thoughts weren't mine to control, neither were my feelings. Even if I thought "sunny, pretty beach" I would instantly remember my highschool boyfriend breaking up with me.

All thoughts led to darkness. Even the world looks dark. Your positive emotions are dulled or non-existant. Love, hope, joy etc are just words on a page. Sorrow and despair seem to be a constant ache.

So, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself when I am around those who don't know what it is like to be depressed (and one of the reasons I am here.)

Lastly, meds take a while to work. Some as long as 6 weeks to 6 months to fully show their efficacy. Some meds don't work for some people and you have to change meds. Sometimes a combination is needed. Sometimes medication needs to be combined with other things (like counseling, exercise etc).

Don't give up on your wife. Believe me, she would much rather have things as they were than the way they are now. No one willingly chooses to live where we live. Encourage your wife to fight her way back to you. I promise that it will be worth it.

Last edited by EssieLouHammer; 01-21-2005 at 09:44 AM.

 
Old 01-21-2005, 12:20 PM   #6
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 12
lift HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Thanks for the repes I truly appreciate them...I have been to some of her therapy sessions with her and the therapist tells me to keep doing what I am doing. I don't want to give up on her...that is one of the reasons I am here...And I don't want to give out the wrong impression, I noticed Mellymel you mentioned sex quite a bit...It does bother me but what bothers me even more is the lack of communication as far as feelings go and the lack of affection...She has been on zoloft for only two weeks and I know it's supposed to take a while for meds to kick in...but all of the negatives have kicked in my wife was feeling fatigued before now it is just exacerbated, she wasn't in a daze before and now she is and she would desire sex about once a week and now for the two weeks she has been on zoloft she barely hugs me it almost seems as though her depression has gotten worse on zoloft...I have heard of people going years before finding the right med or combinations of meds and I don't know if I can stave off my own depression for that long...I had a year long bout of depression about eight years ago and I sometimes feel it come on and it takes a lot to fight it off and right now I feel it coming on and I think the only thing that keeps me going is I keep thinking " Oh my god I can't let the kids have two ill parents"...

Thanks again

 
Old 01-21-2005, 01:16 PM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 17
shellymc HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

I am a depressed wife, also.You might want to try counseling just for yourself. They will help you, help and understand her. People have asked me, what do you think about when you are depressed. Ha, try to explain that one. Everything. Things that have happened long ago, life in general, self esteem, etc. It is like everything just hits you at once. Go figure.
Some meds have the side effect of NO sex life. Ithas nothing to do with you at all. Believe me I know as well as the others on the boards. There is just no feelings of that or interest. You have to understand that and her mental health in much more important right now. It has only been a couple of weeks and some meds take as long as a month to work. Was she depressed before the little one? If not maybe alot could be due to post pardum depression. It can come on as late as 1 yr.
It will take awhile to know the exact dosage of the meds also. Just hang tough and love her more now than ever.

 
Old 01-23-2005, 06:59 PM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: michigan
Posts: 264
MIpigpen HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by lift
" Oh my god I can't let the kids have two ill parents"...

Thanks again
I understand exactly hou you feel...but one question: Does your wife understand she is "ill"?

My husband and I are in a similar situation, but although I admit I have an anxiety disorder...he isn't quite ready to admit his problem with depression. (and will never try meds!..or so he says) It get's worse for him every day and he thinks he is doing it all! We also have been married 5 years and he so forgets those first years where he was never the best Dad he could be. He is so great now with our older, but forgets about our little one. I stay back during the weekends so he can have the kids...and I sleep until noon so I don't have a while day in the house with his depression and denial. I am 100% sure he would tell you he does everthing even though he is only home on the weekend.

I too, am angry with my husband, but try to see the posative. Doesn't she do anything good??? Five years of marriage? Can you find those good years
before worth something?

She needs to stay with the therapist...and if you suffer from depression, maybe it would help if you did as well. Takes a while to admit you need help, but then with a marriage therapist on top of that...you each are trying on your own, and together.

Can you two talk? Does she know how close you are to giving up? Will she give up? I guess my husband doesn't know how ready I am to leave. We don't even talk...

 
Old 01-27-2005, 01:29 AM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 10
kristalynne HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

One of the major side effects associated with many SSRI antidepressants is loss of libido. Don't take it personally and be certain to have her tell her doctor about this side effect. A medication change can take care of the problem. Even though the libido is gone, affection and support is most likely needed now more than ever. This may sound strange but as much as I needed affection I avoided it because I had fears that it might lead to having to face up to my libido that went AWOL. So, affection without expectations is often needed to take the performance pressure off for a while. Hopefully the medication change can do the trick for her. The situation is just as tough for her as it is for you.
Good luck.

 
Old 01-27-2005, 02:58 AM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: kentucky
Posts: 107
vonee HB User
Unhappy Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Your wife sounds like me and how I have become since my new marriage of less than a year ago. I used to work out everyday and looked great and felt great about myself. I've had deppression for years, but since I've made this huge decision to get married again and moved to another state and so far away from my kids and grandchild the deppression has gotten worse. I've got problems with my husband's 22 yr. old son living here with us and he doesn't seem to care about what this has done to our relationship also. Anyways, have there been any changes going on in her life? I'm wondering because I used to be vibrant, so outgoing, loving and fun to be around and I felt so good about myself. Now I've gained 30 lbs., am in deep deppression most of the time, although I try to fake that I'm not but if you new me a year ago and seen me the way I am now, you would wonder what the hell happened to me. Well, I know what has happened to me and my husband isn't supportive like you are to your wife. I don't know what to tell you except that it's not always about the deppression, sometimes it's about othere things that she may not want to reveal to you. I take 40 mg. of celexa daily and my libido is fine, but my husband and I rarely have sex anymore. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. But for me, my desire has faded because I am so uncomfortable in my own skin and I see the disappointment on his face, in his eyes when he looks at me. I know that he hates the way that I look and the fact that I stay in the bedroom, mostly try to sleep so I don't think about how unhappy I am in my life because of the decisions I made to come here and marry him. He didn't tell me all truths before I quit my job, gave up my independent life, moved away from my children and moved here to be with him. I'm 40, he's 48 and well I could just go on and on but I'll spare you....
__________________

 
Old 01-27-2005, 08:18 PM   #11
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 12
lift HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Don't get me wrong...my wife is a wonderful person otherwise I wouldn't have fallen in love with her...We are both 28 years old and the way we are living is unhealthy obviously due to the depression. The problems seem to be threefold loss of a business, a child with add and then a new child on top of that. The therapist seems to think this was the perfect storm to bring on my wife's depression. She was just switched today from Zoloft to Wellbutrin...thank God...Both the Dr. and myself seem to think she has an intolerance to ssris which seems to magnify the side effects beyond a tolerable level. So with luck things will change...I miss the person I fell i n love with and feel so alone...I feel as though I have no one to turn to for support...two years so far out of five...I surely hope this changes within the year. Some days I am at such a loss as to how to deal with things that a tremendous rage builds followed by a deep sense of helplessness...Thanks for your replies...

Last edited by lift; 01-27-2005 at 08:20 PM.

 
Old 01-27-2005, 09:01 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 1,610
Samantha317 HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Hi Lift,
I just wanted to say I think it is wonderful that you are supportive and do research to find out about the meds she is on. I gather that you go with her to the therapist...that's great. I hope you do not give up on her. She is having a difficult time and has been for awhile. If she has been on a downward spiral since the baby was born. God bless both of you!

Hopefully the Wellbutrin will begin to help her.

Try to be patient and try to take care of yourself. You both need a night out...a date. Try to get a baby sitter and take her on a date. It doesn't have to be fancy just some time to yourselves.

Keep us posted. Wishing you well.

Sam

 
Old 01-28-2005, 12:19 AM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: michigan
Posts: 264
MIpigpen HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by lift
Don't get me wrong...my wife is a wonderful person otherwise I wouldn't have fallen in love with her....
Wow, okay, so I'm a little testy with my spouse on about the same issue...but how cool are you to make it 100% clear that you love your wife. Your 1st post seemed pretty resentfull, but I guess meant to be frustrating and to the point.

Have about the same in my house, not as positive. Great you understand she is ill right now....many think "suck it up!" or maybe "get over it". Those are the same people that can never accept their 18 year old commited suicide-regardless of the fact all 10 Warning Signs were there and may have even known about the depression and did not deal with it. (Out of pride?, Shame? Too busy?)

Not that this is your wife, but at least you know your "battle". So....
Keep up that fantastic cheering section, but also make sure you take care of YOU. You can not "fix" her and need to balance your time. Daddy has to be healthy, baby may have to have 24 hour care some days...ya never know!

One post said a "date" night is needed. Oh yeah! You'd be surprised! Still, don't think that will result in your wife doing a 180. It's just a little break, a much needed grown up time.

Good luck. you sound strong, I bet you guys will make it.

 
Old 01-28-2005, 02:09 PM   #14
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,597
Jennita HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by lift
Thanks for the repes I truly appreciate them...I have been to some of her therapy sessions with her and the therapist tells me to keep doing what I am doing. I don't want to give up on her...that is one of the reasons I am here...And I don't want to give out the wrong impression, I noticed Mellymel you mentioned sex quite a bit...It does bother me but what bothers me even more is the lack of communication as far as feelings go and the lack of affection...She has been on zoloft for only two weeks and I know it's supposed to take a while for meds to kick in...but all of the negatives have kicked in my wife was feeling fatigued before now it is just exacerbated, she wasn't in a daze before and now she is and she would desire sex about once a week and now for the two weeks she has been on zoloft she barely hugs me it almost seems as though her depression has gotten worse on zoloft...I have heard of people going years before finding the right med or combinations of meds and I don't know if I can stave off my own depression for that long...I had a year long bout of depression about eight years ago and I sometimes feel it come on and it takes a lot to fight it off and right now I feel it coming on and I think the only thing that keeps me going is I keep thinking " Oh my god I can't let the kids have two ill parents"...

Thanks again
There can be "emotional blunting" side effects from SSRi's and some sexual side effects as well. Perhaps SSRi's were not the perfect answer to this problem. Has she had a complete physical to rule out any disorders which could cause depression? Does she drink or smoke, or take any medications which could have depression as side effect? If it turns out she is physically ok, has she ever had psychotherapy? Many other things can be tried besides medication.

 
Old 02-04-2005, 05:17 AM   #15
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 12
lift HB User
Re: loving husband concerned about wife

well a few things have happened since my last post. My wife was found to be intolerant of zoloft and has been placed on wellbutrin. We had a date last weekend and it was a lot of fun and Sunday seemed to be the best day that she has had in quite a while. Then Monday our son with his wonderful knack of being selfish and uncaring managed to put her back a step or two and now it seems like Sat. and Sun. never happened. We'll be without the kids Sat. adn Sun. this weekend because they're spending the night at their aunts house. I've gotten to a very low point my self in the last ten days. All I can think about is how it seems that my wife's condition has gotten worse since she started therapy and meds. I feel absolutely worthless right now. I haven't made any real money for two years after lossing a business and starting a new one though I just sold half of the business for a decent sum, so I feel I don't offer anything financially to the household, my stepson doesn't like me, my wife doesn't even seem to want to kiss me let alone be intimate in any other way, I am sure a babysitter could do as well as me taking care of my daughter, I know I may sound like I am whining but I truly feel like I have no worth to anyone around my house. I had to go to an intake for therapy yesterday and they strong suggested meds for me now because of my daily thoughts of suicide. Thisw is not how I ever foresaw my marriage to be. It was so beautiful for the first three years-perfectly loving and passionate-then the new baby came then this whole situation evovled very quickly afterwards.

I hope things get a little better this weekend...

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Wife has a difficult time loving. zippyideedoda Relationship Health 11 04-27-2009 12:59 PM
worried scared loving husband my wife is fighting breast cancer please help me lachefjoey Cancer: Breast 4 06-25-2008 01:02 PM
My husband and I want your opinion WhyIsThisMyLife Relationship Health 23 05-16-2008 10:15 AM
husband unstable on vacation 4support Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 80 09-17-2007 04:20 PM
Loving two men? babydoll_17 Relationship Health 1 07-04-2007 12:51 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



flamesabers (78), Phoenix (43), keenobserver (20), katlin09 (13), Diverdan8 (11), WhistleDixie (10), rosequartz (9), blessed824 (9), jennybyc (9), cuddles1 (9)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (896), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:20 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!