I knew this wasn't going to last. I was starting to feel motivated then it all colapsed. Me and my grandmother got into a fight because she was telling me to get a job. But what kind of employer is going to hire someone like me with a "bad" attitude. And she gave me some money for my birthday the other day but then I just threw it back in her lap and said I don't want you to think I only want your money. And that made her really mad.
But now I'm back at my parent's house being a bum. I am 20 years old and I don't know anything. ANYTHING about life other than the future looks bad if I continue this way. I try to be a Christian warrior and be all I can be and appreciate the fact I'm a female American. I as an American woman have more rights than any other time in history and present time. Also I cry each night for the sins I commited but it makes me feel worse not better. I don't feel forgiven.
I guess I'm just going to get a backpack full of my stuff and start walking somewhere. I am tired of living with my parents and legally I can leave whenever the hell I want and legally if I want to live in poverty I CAN! Ughh it's just so frusterating when I hear people telling me I am a loser and a bum. Because even though depression does make you hate yourself...at the same time somewhere inside myself I know I could be so many wonderful things if I could just end this soul consuming disease. I've read so many posts and these people are so intelligent, but I don't know....I don't know anything I just want to be the way it was before I was conceived...nonexistance.
I was thinking of going to a hospital but they smell weird and are going to force me to take medicine which I refuse. It makes me have bad breath, and I feel dizzy. I have gone to a psychiatrist and they are rude and only concerned with the medicine's effect on me. I was going to go to find a pastoral counselor but I changed my mind b/c there is no hope and I don't want be a waste of time. The thing is I don't want to go to these people b/c they just don't understand me. The one time I tried to save myself I didn't know what to say or where to begin and the doctor was pretty much like ummm why are you here? And that was when I was just like nevermind I won't be doing this again.
I beginning to not care about my personal safety. If someone wants money from me take it. If someone wants to hit me go ahead. I don't really care. I don't even want to eat...so far it's been 22 hours since I've eaten anything.
tell me anything you think, negative and judgemental replies are welcome. I want to hear the absolute truth.
hey theres always hope, your just having a terrible time!! i feel useless as well, ive been unemployed for a year and hate myself for it, i also think nobody will want to employ me, but hey, this isnt the way to think is it?!! youre NOT worthless, youre NOT useless!!!!
dont just disappear with a backpack etc, thats not the way to solve things!, i should know i tried disappearing as it were, im back with my parents now, and although im still depressed i know with the right medication and decent counselling ill be on the road to recovery. counselling, which believe it or not DOES work, you just have to find the right person who u can trust and who makes u feel like ur a person not a bum or loser. i had a rude counsellor so i told her that she was rude and she didnt like it , so i got another counsellor and she was AMAZING i started crying and she was so caring etc, i guess she treats counselling as MORE than a job, whereas some dont, theyre just bitter. so dont give up with counselling etc, there's a person out there who you'll get on with and will be able to talk to.
Also DONT listen to what other people say about u, my parents often say, or at least hint at the fact that they think im lazy,but its just the ad's making me exhausted all the time, i get sooooo tired and that make me feel bad, and like u, i know that there are so many things that i could be doing, in fact i was doing a while back before this crappy depression got hold of me!
you say that other people are intelligent?!? don't u think that ur intelligent? i'll tell u something right, i went to univesity and studied Classical civilisations, WHAT a joke, im no better off now than before except i know some names of old greek blokes!!! a lot of people i met at uni who thought themselves to be 'intelligent' i cant stand!!! and most of my friends feel the same way, you are what you are! you can improve things in your life, learn new things all the time, im trying to read lots at the moment, it helps me to escape to a new and nicer world!!! maybe u should do the same, choose a book and ignore the real world until u feel more able to face things!
im sorry this is such a long reply, hospitals can feel horrible cant they! but they dont have to be... if u need or feel u need help maybe u should go there or to ur docs...
Last edited by brett24; 02-06-2005 at 10:21 AM.
Reason: bit added
You sound like my daughters twin, word for word, and I hear your view of your
parents and grandmother, as the views of my husband and myself. What a coincidence to read you post, I'd almost swear it was my daughter writing
except there no grandmother involved in our family. My duaghter is bipolar
and gets feeling motivated then swings back into depression, she's acts lazy
inconsiderate, has an extremely bad attitude, makes poor choices etc. etc.
Im biplar too and when she's unstable we fight something awful.
The doctors have given her a bad time too infact I've had to go to a few
appointment with her just to convince them this is for real. Im not saying you're
bipolar but you do have some of the symptomes, such as the ones above and
not eating. Are you also having trouble sleeping by chance? Below is a bipolar
screen test if you're interested, which you could print out and take to your regular physician who could refer you to a p-doc. Sometimes a refer from another doctor opens doors. Hang in there, it will get better with the right help. Consider checking
out the bipolar board and KEEP POSTING, it helps. Take Care, K
Bipolar Screening Test
Look for signs of bipolar disorder
Read the following lists.
Put a check mark by each sign that sounds like you now or in the past:
Signs of mania (ups)
I feel like I'm on top of the world.
I feel powerful. I can do anything I want, nothing can stop me.
I have lots of energy.
I don't seem to need much sleep.
I feel restless all the time.
I feel really mad.
I have a lot of sexual energy.
I can't focus on anything for very long.
I sometimes canít stop talking and I talk really fast.
I'm spending lots of money on things I don't need and can't afford.
Friends tell me that I've been acting differently. They tell me that I'm starting fights, talking louder, and getting more angry.
Signs of depression (downs)
I am really sad most of the time.
I don't enjoy doing the things I've always enjoyed doing.
I don't sleep well at night and am very restless.
I am always tired. I find it hard to get out of bed.
I don't feel like eating much.
I feel like eating all the time.
I have lots of aches and pains that don't go away.
I have little to no sexual energy.
I find it hard to focus and am very forgetful.
I am mad at everybody and everything.
I feel upset and fearful, but can't figure out why.
I don't feel like talking to people.
I feel like there isn't much point to living, nothing good is going to happen to me.
I don't like myself very much. I feel bad most of the time.
I think about death a lot. I even think about how I might kill myself.
Other signs of bipolar disorder
I go back and forth between feeling really "up" and feeling really "down."
My ups and downs cause problems at work and at home.
If you checked several boxes in these lists, call your doctor. Take the lists to show your doctor. You may need to get a checkup and find out if you have bipolar disorder.
Have you ever considered group therapy? I definately hesitated on going but am so glad I did. Its like a weekly time that is set for me to check in on my thoughts and correct them to think the way I used to. Plus I know that sometimes I end up looking so smiley at my one on one sessions that I feel like I put on some rose coloured glasses that morning or soemthing. I say what I know they want to hear for some reason even if I know its not completely true. With the group, I find other people's comments tend to bring up my true feelings and not what I think people are expecting to hear. I know some professionals are complete jerks but keep looking, there are some people out there who really can listen well and help.
First and for most you are not a useless member of anything,that is something you need to believe.Every person was put here for a use full purpose!!
I truly believe that you need to speak to a profesional.Give them a chance if one doesn't work try another until you find someone who does.Have you ever tried to take a deep breath relax and speak with yourfamily?I bet they would be more understanding than you think!!Also I think you should take a look around you there are many more who suffer far more than you do.Find some compassion for others and stop feeling quiet so sorry for your self.I know that it seems mean but the more you try to help yourself (and others) the better you will feel!!As well as the more you do the better you will feel, even if its just going for a walk and finding something beautiful in the world for you to enjoy!!Best of luck
Hey hopeless, I was just like you 30 years ago. I actually did do the backpack thing.
Now I know, that in addition to chronic depression, I am also ADD--which causes me to say weird things at times (not thinking before I speak--all my life), which in turn makes me 'hate' myself, and makes me want to run away somewhere to a place where nobody knows me, and I can start over and be a different kind of person. (But of course I'm still the same.)
After I had children I stopped running. And things have worked out for me to some degree, with a lot of prayer and meds and counseling. Even though I'm divorced.
I'm especially sorry that your parents and/or grandparents don't understand how it is for you. It sounds like they try to understand, but just don't get it.
The best thing that has come out of all this for me, is that I love all people now, because I understand that you can't just tell a depressed person to "think positively," or an ADD person to "focus;" I heard that a lot from my parents, and so thought everyone "should" be able to behave appropriately. That's where the meds were most helpful--not so much because they worked like a charm (they generally don't), but because they did give a measure of relief -- which in turn helped me to experience what it's like for others who don't have depression, or anxiety attacks, or whatever -- this allowed me to forgive myself -- realizing it wasn't "sin" that made me behave this way, anymore than being blind from birth means someone sinned. And forgiving myself for not being like everyone else wants me to be, is a big step towards not being depressed.
My middle daughter, who is your age and a lot like me, has gone through similar things, and doesn't want to take meds. She had some success with group therapy.
Is there a possibility of your continuing your education? Especially in a subject area in which you would like to work?
Let us know how you are doing.
Last edited by seriousperson; 02-07-2005 at 12:32 AM.
I've been depressed now for a long time. I'm now 25 and I also consider myself a useless memeber of society. I refuse to talk to a doctor or take some drug when the side effects seem to be just as bad as dealing with the depression its self. Everyone thinks i'm weird because i'm a quiet person. The truth is, i don't have anything to say to them because i could careless if they lived are died. My emotions are dead and i feel nothing.
I've been out of work for almost a year now and if it wasn't for my ability to save money, i would be out on the street.
When i was 18, i packed my bags and traveled across the States trying to get away from my problems, but in the end the only thing i learned is that my problems always caught up with me. Whats really worse is i look at my brother who is 21 and i see the person i use to be. Kills me every time. I just keep asking myself what the hell happened. The reason i'm saying all of this is i found one thing that has been helping me the past few months.
Yup. Reading. Picked up a book and started to read and now i can't stop. It's a great escape. Now i'm reading things that i wished i would have read years ago. In the end it doesn't matter if it's a good book or a bad book, you will always learn something from it.
Hello...I'm still afraid to make myself get help. I don't know.... Kiehn, I do sometimes feel in control and really goofy and happy but then after like a few days its back to being depressed with scary suicidal thoughts. But I can't do anything in life if I don't get right with God first.
Nark, I haven't thought much on group therapy b/c I'm shy when it comes to my emotions. I don't want people to see me cry and things...I try to fake smile and stuff. And that smile hurts so much...
misery, I do have compassion for other people...I always am really grateful to fast food people working the late shift. I tip waiters and waitresses really good. I care that other people have some joy or something. But after all that I can go home and just hate myself soo much. And according to economics I am useless b/c I am unemployed.
seriousperson, I don't know why I hate myself, just can't stand knowing myself and being with myself all the time just drives me nuts. I still want to leave my home b/c I want to be somewhere else--see new sights and stuff. I don't have a college fund or anything so I don't know if I'm going to college. I'm not good at school so I figured it would just be a waste. I love science and outer space, I would give anything just to be orbiting around our planet and seeing it all with my very own eyes.
XeroX, I know what you mean by not having anything to say to people. But if I feel like talking its never about myself. I just tell someone that I like their clothes or that they are doing a good job(like the people with hard jobs b/c if I were them I would want someone to appreciate my efforts) and I tip big and write notes on the bills. Because I don't need money, it doesn't make me happy so why hold on so tight to it?
Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.
This is a reply I put from another post (just for background and why I don't like medication):
I haven't taken anti-depressants for as many years as other people but I was on some for like a month or two with each different kind...and I know what you mean by the psychic energy being taken away. I first was put on Lexapro but it made me have no energry but at the same time I couldn't fully sleep either. I felt like I was being pulled to the ground. Then I was given Welbutrin and that didn't do anything that different. Then I was given Zoloft and I was kind of doing things for awhile but I could not exercise at the gym without getting in a daydream. But once one bad thing happened or something stressed me out--they could not prevent the depressing thoughts from forming, and thats when Zoloft no longer worked. Oh yeah before anti-depressants I was on Adderall for ADD and that stuff made me do a lot of things but when the smallest thing stressed me I was majorly suicidal.
On those medications I didn't want to be with any of my friends and when they came to visit me they said I was so different and I didn't laugh and I just had a blank look on my face. So now I am not on them and I am still depressed and cry and hate myself but at least I'm feeling some emotion b/c if I don't have emotion then I feel like I'm not human and thats how anti-d's made me feel. And when I cut I didn't feel anything and that is one thing that releives my stress.
I don't know what's in the medicines but they have to build up in your blood levels. They only speculate and have a theory about the serotonin thing. Of course they are going to sugar coat everything like it's perfectly normal to have side effects but I feel like that is my body's response to being poisoned.